:: 2005 8 September :: 4.47 pm

its been a year, a whole year of no one to sit by in class, no one to eat dinner with, no one to study with. so i try to make some friends and everyone just puts me down. maybe they're right though. if they all see the same thing, i guess they have a point...

:: 2005 1 September :: 11.02 pm

so now i know where i stand. i don't know if i did the right thing but its too late to change anything now. i guess its for the best this way. who knows. things are too complicated and they're not getting any simpler.

:: 2005 27 August :: 6.41 pm

i thought this year would be better. i thought i tried harder. i had a more positive attitude. but i'm sitting here in my room alone on a saturday night waiting for something or someone thats just not coming. i've realized that now. all this hope i had was for nothing. i'm afraid that whoever might be trying to find me isn't even looking. so i have to ask, are there worse things than being alone?

:: 2005 18 August :: 3.38 am

i'm not crying this time because i feel used. i'm crying because i'm going to miss him. with all of its ups and downs i'm still glad this summer happened. and i'm still going to pray that someday we may be together because i love him. i just can't help it.

:: 2005 14 August :: 11.10 pm

wishing on a million stars wouldn't make a difference.

:: 2005 12 August :: 12.21 am

how did it end up like this?

:: 2005 1 August :: 1.39 am

i don't know whats wrong with me. everything is so wrong. so now there are 3 weeks left of summer and this didn't turn out at all how i wanted. i don't really understand whats going on. how could someone use someone else so carelessly? i do have feelings even though i try not to let them show. it hurts really bad, because i thought he was a friend, but most of all, because i thought he cared about me. i know now that he never cared. and the only definition of friends he wanted to be were the kind that fool around without committment. i know its my fault. leslie says i shouldn't take the blame, but there is no excuse for me thinking there was any more there than there is. i thought he was a different person and i thought that i had found someone that would be perfect. i couldn't have been more wrong. but the part that hurts the worse is that i still love him as much as ever. and that is why my heart is broken. the love of my life feels nothing for me. he just used me for a fling. if i cried forever i still wouldn't have let all of the tears out from this. i don't know when i will be able to get over it. i trusted him, i loved him, and i should have known that i meant nothing to him. i don't know what to do now. i go back to school in 3 weeks. i know i will think about him every day and that just makes it harder to deal with. i guess its just going to have to hurt really bad before it can start to get better. hopefully someday it will get better. hopefully someday i can move on.

:: 2005 28 July :: 2.46 am

i don't know what i'm doing. i'm wasting my life away on someone who doesn't even love me. someone who isn't even a real friend. how could this happen to me?

:: 2005 19 July :: 11.49 pm

i don't know what to do. whatever happens is going to be my fault. i knew this summer was going to be either really bad or really good. i thought at first it had potential, but 4 good nights soon turned into wishing he would call or write and slowly realizing that he wasn't going to. i have to go back to school soon and i'm going to miss him. and i know he won't miss me and he'll just move on. it hurts because i thought there was more between us than what there ended up being. so now all i have to do is sit here on msn listening to "end of the road" by boyz ii men and praying that maybe he'll sign on but knowing that he won't because he is out with his friends. so i don't know whether i should write to him or just leave it be. i guess i will just leave it be. i guess it was never working anyway.

:: 2005 4 July :: 1.31 am

everything reminds me of him. everything hurts. the passenger's seat, the songs, the roads, the deer, the e-mails. everything. i miss him. i miss how things used to be. those old e-mails hurt the worst. it seemed like maybe he cared. i thought he liked me. but why would he? he could have any girl he wanted. he will have any girl he wants. he will forget i even existed. and why wouldn't he. i never was anything to him but an aquaintance and a cheap thrill.

:: 2005 30 June :: 11.47 pm

i guess i can't really tell him whats bothering me. we're just friends even though i love him. i guess all i can really do is act the same as usual and hope for the best.

:: 2005 30 June :: 1.11 am

yeah i guess they're right, i'm not good for anything. i have a problem. but i can't talk about it. it automatically becomes leslie's problem. it automatically becomes that i don't try. whats the point of trying when you know you're going to fail. they've all got big dreams. i've got nothing now. i'm ready to go. its just a joke to everyone. so funny. i'm laughing, i really am. i don't know why it bothers me so much. maybe its because the only person i care about in this whole world doesn't feel anything for me. how could this happen?

:: 2005 29 June :: 12.12 am

i hope someday i won't think about him every second. i hope someday i find someone who loves me and actually wants to kiss me. i should have known better than this.

:: 2005 27 June :: 11.26 pm

i can't deal with this. i just can't. i hate that he doesn't care about me. i regret everything i've ever done with him. i regret kissing him with my eyes closed so tight. i prayed so hard that it would mean something to him. i thought maybe he wouldn't use me... i thought things would work out... but i obviously thought very wrong. i know i'm better off never to see him again. "my only fear, my only hope, is letting go." maybe someday i'll find someone. maybe someday i'll be able to feel something other than regret and hurt. i thought i'd regret it more if i missed the chance, but now i know i'll never be able to forgive myself for what i have done. i wish i could run away. and i wish i never met him.

:: 2005 26 June :: 2.11 am

i think maybe i could get through this if it weren't for her. maybe i should tell her.