i'm so so so bored.
there is nothing to do in this town. i swear. later i might go for a drive, just to get out of this hell hole called home. leslie is supposed to call me when she gets home tonight. laura doesn't feel like going out. dustin is away on msn. i don't know what else everyone else is doing. maybe if i get some guts i will call some people later and see what everyone is doing. i've gotta get out of here tho. i can't stand to be alone in my room with my only form of communication as msn. i was going to go get a job today, but you have to be in one of those mindstates, you know. and i wasn't. so i went to walmart and got some soda and then came home. last night when i went to walmart i found a magic 8 ball and asked it 2 questions. first i asked if i would see someone special that night. it said yes, and i did. although i didn't get to talk to him because i was with 2 other girls who don't think too highly of him. the other question i asked was if this one guy would fall in love with this one girl. it said yes, but i have yet to see if that happens. i don't really think you can predict love tho. well, as soon as this cd burns i think i am going to go see what is going on in stoner (my town) and staunton. well i will be back to update around midnight. maybe. later.

its been a long hard road...
i'm not really sure how to approach this. i have quite a few friends, well acquaintances, but still, people i know who could be leaving any day once this war begins and i swear i will cry a billion tears for every one of them that gets sent over. on another note, my friend is using me again, she wants me to make her seem cool when i talk to all those people who were at the party. she wants me to rebuild her reputation and i just can't say no. i can't piss her off. she is the only way for me to get even remotely near to the person that i am so so in love with. am i pathetic or what? i'd say. so technically i'm bitching about my friend using me when i'm technically using her. i deserve to die. i'm really sorry for all this. if only i had the guts to do something about it. but all i can do is smile and wave and say a few semi-charmed words whenever i see him. its getting me no where real fast. but maybe if i could just not think of him like that, like how perfect he is. maybe if i can make myself see his faults and realize that we are only friends and nothing more. maybe... maybe i could fix this hell that i've gotten myself into.

just checking things out.
i'm on woohu.net. its a mirror image. i don't really have anything to say. i was just checking things out. well. later.

i feel sick...
everyone is talking about the episode last night. i talked to leslie on the phone. she takes no blame. she even had the audacity to ask who i had "hooked up with" ::rolling eyes:: i just don't know what to do or say and everyone is going to be talking about it at school tomorrow. everyone is going to know that we didn't bowl. everyone is going to know everything and i don't even care anymore. nothing matters. the only thing that matters is that i am miserable and lonely and too young to do anything. i want to cry, or die, or something. i wish i would've stuck with my gut feeling and not gone to the party. oh well. its too late now. don't look back in anger. but i just wish things could go back to the way they were before. like that first night he drove my car. back before i fell in love with him. back when i still thought she was cool. back before everything fell to pieces and went to hell. i wish someone could save me. but no one even wants to try.

last night.
i'm going to tell you about last night. i was a bit fucking soap opera and i would just love to tell it. okay. first, in order to get extended curfew, my friends and i told our parents we were going candlelight bowling. so we didn't have to be home until 2a.m. anyway. we left around 7:30 and went to corey's house for a bbq/party. when we got there, corey, tino, and natalie were sitting outside. corey was playing the acoustic guitar. it was the perfect "friends just sitting around having a beer" moment. lol. then drake and brenzel come outside. they were stoned but not too bad. so we all just sit around for a while. then roger and jayme show up. then pirok and mansholt show up. then, drake and mansholt go to get us some drinks. jayme, leslie, and i go to jayme's house to get some water and make our story about bowling believable. so then we go back to corey's. drake and pirok couldn't get us anything so we send jason who was 21 to get it. by that time megan, robert, john, and jason had come. so then we just chill, the whole night. once jason gets back w/ the drinks tho, shit hits the fan and it goes flying. leslie got so drunk it wasn't even funny. corey was freaking out becasue it was his house and she wasn't breathing. she had come with me and it was only 12:30 but they wanted her out of there now. so i had to take her. problem was, i thought we were going to be there until 2, so i had some to drink, and i was still feeling it when i climbed into my car. i figured for sure that i was going to be fucked and get a ticket for dui, illegal consumption, curfew and god knows what else. but then robert and jason said they would take leslie because they didn't want me burdened with it. so i took megan home and then called robert to see if they needed help. they didn't, but leslie had forgotten her shoes at corey's. so i went back and got her shoes and appologized to everyone for her actions because this was the first time that we had ever partied w/ these guys and i didn't want them to not want to hang w/ us anymore. so i apologized. corey said it was ok and that i was invited back anytime. that made me happy. so then i called robert and told her that i had leslie's purse, shoes, and cell phone. so we met up town and i gave them everything and then they told me to go home so i wouldn't get a ticket or anything. so i did. then this morning, jayme called me and told me that the guys had all said that she and i were invited back but not leslie. i don't feel bad for leslie at all. she doesn't even remember at all what happened. then jayme called me back a few minutes later and told me that robert had totaled his car and gotten a dui. she says that it was because he was so stressed about leslie throwing up in his car and having to take care of her and try to sober her up. i can't believe this. i didn't want to go to the party in the first place, but once i was there i was having fun, and they leslie has to go fuck it up and act like an idiot. its not funny. i'm surprized that those guys ever want to see us again. but i hope they're not mad. i'm mad that she doesn't care tho that she fucked me over up, down, and sideways. she doesn't realize that just because she is going to college and getting new friends, i'm not. i still need friends from here after all mine leave, so i was trying to make friends with guys that might be here for a while. at least another year. oh well tho. at least jayme isn't made at me. which is good because she has more connections than leslie anyways. well that is all for now. i will update if anything else in this soap opera unfolds.

i think that it all ends today. i think i know that tammy is going to go for him, and she is so much prettier, and outgoing than i am. she has him, if she wants, and she probably does. now i just want to die.

i've gotta be honest, there are better things to do on a friday night than go to someone's house and watch a movie, or 2, or 5. i don't want to go, but everyone else is going to be there which leaves no one else to go out w/. which really, actually, it really sucks. although maybe i should stop looking for that one person, because everytime i am looking for him, i can never find him, but everytime i don't expect to see him, there he is. but tonight would be the perfect night. dustin is working until 10. and that means they won't leave for wild country until then. that gives plenty of time. but i think he is mad at us for going to tino's apartment last weekend. but its not fair, he was at kobalt. i hate this so much. i never know what to do and no one is helping me when i am lost. i don't really know what i should do actually. maybe i should just forget about him. he wants to go to the east coast anyway. i just don't know how i could ever forget about him. things are definitely going to be changing soon, and i just hate the way things change. i hate not knowing what is coming, and most of all, i hate knowing that i'm not going to see him and others maybe ever again. that scares me. but i have already said this. i just really thought that this would be a good night to go out to staunton and see if maybe he wanted to drive around for a while. oh well. i guess... i guess not.

what a nice suprise.
last night i went out w/ my friends. it was supposed to be me, laura, and leslie. we had some apple pucker, rum and coke, and screwdrivers, and we were going to drive around and just chill. well then leslie starts her shit about bringing jayme along. well we go pick up jayme, so laura says no to the drinking, so we drove around staunton talking to tino, mansholt, and john. laura got mad. she didn't talk the whole night. she is pissed at leslie, sort of rightfully. it was almost a hellish night. i hate being w/ laura and jayme at the same time since they don't get alone. tonight i'm not really sure what is going on yet. hopefully something fun tho. but probably not. i'm not going to tino's if they go. i don't feel like sitting around in his apartment all night again. that is lame. and we could have better things to do. oh well, i have to go now. i will update later sometime.

i just hate the way things change
well, today my friends decided for sure where they are going to college. they are all so excited about leaving. and here i am... not going anywhere, but losing all my friends. i'm really depressed right now. its not good. not good at all. plus no one is talking to me on msn. eh. i'm gonna go die now.

i'm so fucked...
oh i don't even know where to start. first, i'm fucked on getting a day job. unless i can get my friend's mom to hire me i'm completely fucked. so i guess i better start applying to fast food and shit like that. dammit. then i started talking to my ex. sorta b/f. its crazy, but i think we could be friends... maybe. i don't know. everything was going so well too... and now its all gone to hell in a fucking handbasket. everything is coming so fast. i can't handle this. i don't know what to do. i wish i was 18 and could go to wild country with everyone. and do you think that a guy who is 21 is too old for a girl who is 18? i don't think so, but some people seem to have a problem with that. i don't know... i really just don't know.

oh wow...
i drank... 4 dr. peppers and a bottle of code red mt. dew. i can't even sit still for 2 seconds. i typed a whole chapter word for word from my economics book. no reason, i was just energized. so now i'm starting to feel it go away. but all in all, its been a good day. a cool person messaged me on msn, and i talked to a few other people. and now i think it might be time to go on to sleep. so later.

the more i step into the sun the more i step out of the light...
wow am i bored. i'm so bored that i'm updating in the middle of the day, which never happens. i was going to call my neighbor about getting a job after school, but i don't think she will be home until around 4:30 or 5:00. so i have to wait. i need to clean some things up in here, its a pig sty. someone ate all my cinnamon crunch bagels from the st. louis bread company. i could really go for one of those about now. oh well. i think i am getting sick again.. its this crazy temperature change... 72 one day then 27 that night. crazy. yeah, well i don't really have anything to say. i got a 97 on my physics test, which is awesome because i couldn't concentrate on studying all last night and this morning. its getting closer to the end of the year. its crazy how fast this year flew by. the cell phone plan i want to get is $50 a month, so i need a good job. plus the ground effects for my car are around $500, the phone is $200, and the watch is $350. so thats... $1050 plus whatever the monthly fee for my nextel, and all that jazz. so yeah, i definitely need a job. i might not get the watch unless i can find it on ebay for cheaper, but i definitely want the phone and the ground effects... along withe decals and all to make my car look race inspired. anyway though, i think that is all for now. i will probably be back to update later.