AHHHH
i am so bored i just want to shoot myself in the face with a tranquilizer gun. i should study for some tests i have tomorrow, but i never said i wasn't a slacker. my eyes hurt so bad i want to rip them out of my head. i wish *someone* would talk to me, but he isn't. oh well, nothing to talk about anyway... my fingers hurt too. i'm just falling apart tonight. i wish it was the weekend again. even though it was rather uneventful, its better than sunday nights when you can't do anything because of class in the morning. well, i'm done with all of this nonsense.

last night... well, umm.. first i picked up leslie. we drove around for a while. then we went to jayme's house. she finished getting ready and we left in her sebring for staunton. we cruised around 2-waying people and then we went to hardees. then we drove around more and mike said we could go to his house and chill and they would be there shortly. so we went to mike's house. we watched tv and listened to the radio and the guys never showed. so we 2-wayed them again and they had been pulled over by the cops near exit 32. tally was caught doing 81 in the 65. so he got a ticket. they were just rolling through town when we were leaving around 12. leslie had to be home so i just went home too. jayme had never tasted nor heard of jack daniels. so she had some of that. once i got home i went right to sleep. no use in doing anything else. today i went shopping. i got a pair of shoes and some jewelry. now i'm home. i talked to him on msn. he had fun last night. thats great. my hands are so dry. i need to get a job. i am so poor. other than that nothing really happened. okay, so i will talk to you later then. c ya.

tonight, in a few minutes i'm going out with some friends, but i just wanted to update before because i am pretty bored. i cleaned my car out today. i measured for my decal(s). now i'm waiting for my friend to call so we can go to a party. the guys are going to kobalt, a club where they are going to dance. i wish i could go, but its guys night out. they are going to drink champagne and beer and have fun. last night i went driving w/ jay, leslie, and roger. we 2-wayed the other guys and they were drinking bacardi silver. and when i got home and got on msn, one of them was on. he said he wasn't drunk, but i think he was. but he had to work at 7 this morning so he couldn't talk long. i don't really want to go to this party tonight. last night we were going to go to the same people's party, but we started to turn down that street and a cop was coming toward us, so we drove away. that cop followed us around the block twice and then up town. i thought for sure we were going to get a ticket for something. i was driving of course. roger was the navigator. we sat at a stop sign with our flashers on for about 10 minutes because we couldn't decide which way to go. tonight was my aunt's birthday party. she turned 40. i had a cup of coffee and a piece of cake. it was good. it was nice to see the family outside of the funeral home. anyway, i think i'm going to stop for now. i probably won't update when i get home tonight for 2 reasons. 1 being that it will be late. 2 being that the only person i would want to talk to on msn won't be on because he will be at kobalt until around 3 or whenever. well bye.

to love and to be loved, lets just hope that is enough...
so i'm sitting here, waiting. for a phone call i guess... or a message on my msn. today i went to my friend's grandma's funeral. it was sad... depressing.. knowing that no one will ever see her again. thats the thing that gets me about funerals, the fact that you will never again be able to see that person. then i came home to get ready for practice. there was a message on my msn from *him*. he asked, "what does <3 mean?" so i told him it was a heart. he said that was clever. then he asked me what i was doing tonight. and i asked him the same. and we were neither doing anything. so why didn't i ask him if he wanted to do something? i should have. it would have been fun. but i didn't. i had to go as to not be late. so he said c ya and i said bye and it was over. now no one is online and no one is calling. i'm sure my friend is at home w/ family. i'm sure she won't feel too much like going out tonight. oh well. i guess i will have to cope. or maybe around 9 i will take a trip to staunton and see whats going down. even if its just for 10 minutes or so. i think i will burn a cd of my coffee beats that i found. maybe i'll see him and he'll enjoy my techno and dave matthews band selections. or maybe not. i don't know. but i think i am going to go take a shower and at least go somewhere. later.

so anyway...
i turned the corner to go into town... and there was his car. it wasn't shiny like usual. but, it was in its ususal place when he is working. sitting out there among all the other cars, but standing out so sharp. anyway though... i guess falling over him is the news of the day. lol. (counting crows... yeah) well, his best friend just messaged me on msn. they are going to wild country tonight. eh. how i wish i could go w/ them. that would be so great. you have no idea. well damn then, no hope in talking to anyone interesting tonight. (no offence to the girls i'm chatting w/) i don't feel like typing in here anymore. so i think i'm going to go die now. thanks.

tonight... i went to my best friend\'s grandma\'s visitation. its a little bit crazy.. because my dad and grandparents own the funeral home, so i don\'t feel odd at all about going in there. and its like a family function when we are all there to see someone. tomorrow is the funeral, and i\'m taking a day off school to go to it. i just think it is right. i don\'t really know why. after i went to that distressing event, i took my car to staunton to wash it. so now its kinda shiny and nice. right then when i turned the corner to go into town... damn, i have to go. i will finish this in a minute.

this room, this town, my life, my heart... all empty. this isn't what i have been looking to be. all i want is somebody to care. thats all i ever wanted. it would be nice to talk, to dance, to go out and just have fun. that would be great. but i'm too young, and he's too good, and i'm so immature to him and i just don't know why. what have i done to convey that image? well, maybe i am overthinking this. maybe its not so bad. maybe, just maybe, he has some even if they are minute feelings that are similar to mine. or maybe he doesn't even know i exist.

pass through my life like a dream through my head...
yeah, i'm back again. nothing else to do and i'm getting prepared mentally for another night of sleep.. sort of. leslie got grounded from the internet, so now there isn't really anyone to talk to... about anything that means anything anyway. wow that didn't make a whole bunch of sense. i'm so bored and not at all tired. i don't know what to do. i'm not going to look at my msn list. not going to look at it. don't look at it. because even i don't want to get myself excited that someone is online, because they are... or were. because we are just friends, right? right. just friends. thats all. friends. just friends. just friends. nothing more, probably less, just friends though. this isn't going to work. i can't keep doing this to myself. i need to stop thinking things that can't be true. i need to stop raising my hopes up to the very highest they can be. if i don't let anyone in, i don't get hurt... so why do i keep letting people in? my advice to myself never works. and i don't know what else to say, but if i X off of this screen, everything comes back, msn, and all the feelings and everything that goes w/ seeing that person's name. i need to get away... or find someone who actually cares.

am i living it right?
there's just this one thing that i can't let go... everytime we talk, my friend, she says that she knows that he (this boy) loves me. i know she is just stirring shit, but i just can't stop thinking about that possibility. he left me a message last night, while i was sleeping. and he... eh, i don't know. sometimes i think that we have mutual feelings, and sometimes i think he things i am just a childish girl. (which i am not). but i love the way he wears his hat, and i love the way his elbows stick out because he is so skinny. i love his shyness and his attempts at being outgoing. i love the way he smiles and the way he drives my car. he is the only one i've ever let drive my car. he probably doesn't realize these things, but... i haven't been able to get him off my mind the past few... well, for a while at least. and i saw him after the movie on sunday.. and i see his car at his friend's house. and i have his number in my phonebook and oh how i would love to call... but i can't... because like i said before, its not me he's dying for. i just wish for once that someone would care about me, i wish they would call me, or something... just be interested in some way. oh well... its never going to happen.

don't dream... its over.
i've made so so so many mistakes. i fell too hard, too fast. and with that conversation she sent me last night that she had with him.. i know for sure... for real. there is nothing there... never was, never will be. it hurts that this is how it is, but i guess this is how it has to be. i can't change things. i mean what can i do? its not me he's dying for. but why would it be. and now i've told things that i have been trusted with... so now i can't be trusted anymore... and i look into the mirror and i see... i see ugly. i hate myself. so much. i don't even deserve to be here anymore. nothing works out ever. and now everyone will be leaving me. she's going north and he's going to the east coast... and i'm going nowhere, really really fast. and as the song says... "they will detail their pain in some standard refrain, they will recite their saddness, like its some kind of contest, well if it is, i think i am winning it, all beaming w/ confidence as i make my final lap, the gold medal gleams, so hang it round my neck 'cause i am deserving it, the champion of idiots."

this is fucked up. everything is so so so fucked up. we missed them by going the wrong way. its her fucking fault! it is. i wish i could talk to him. tell him how i feel. tell him that he looked perfect. this is fucking stupid and right now i'm wishing i was dead.

sorry.... but i'm a trendy fuck.
i've declared my hatred for preps and those trendy fucks who listen to rap music and nod their heads to techno. i laughed at the people who listened to country music and went to rodeos and partied all on the weekends. now look at me. what the fuck have i become? i'm one of them. i find myself knowing all the words to rap songs and downloading techno that people tell me to download. i'm listening to country music, i'm going to country music concerts. i'm going to clubs and parties and worrying about what i look like... and i think, this isn't me. this can't be. but it is... it always has been no matter how i tried to change that. i was even convincing myself for a while... but it was wrong for changing in the first place and this is the person i rightfully should be. now my self confidence is down because i'm trying to fit in with people that i haven't fit in with in so so long, if ever. its not that i'm trying to fit in, because there is nowhere to fit. but now i find myself looking at my msn list 500 times every minute to see if someone is on, and if they are i'm so lost, i don't even know what to say. there are so many things i want to say, but when i get prepared to say them i freeze and they're gone like the breeze. but every weekend i get dressed up to see my friends and i haven't seen them in over a month. i haven't.. and tomorrow night there is a party, but if it snows, i'm not going by myself. and everything is confusing me. prom. school. losing my friends. the parties and who i used to be. i just don't know anymore. i just don't know.

just chillin' and watching some law and order.
i'm bored really. watching law and order and typing during commercial breaks. waiting for people to get on the internet. i'm tired, but i have no time to sleep. i'm getting used to lack of sleep. looking to have some fun some time. lol. ah, i'm so dead. so i'll be back sometime later.

why does she do this to me?
i have a terrible feeling inside. i don't know really what to think, but i'm wondering, why must she do this to me?

she called this morning at 4:30. it was an urgent message. then she mobile messaged me at 11. call back its important. some friends of mine and maybe even my cousin got busted last night at a party. why is that important news? i don't understand. it wasn't me... or her. so whats the big deal? its not like these people are best friends, no matter how much i would like them to be.. they are not. but she had to deliver to me this urgent message, so now i feel sorry for these people.. for these "friends" and now i'm wondering what is happening. our innocence is gone. forever. and its depressing.