"this is the first day of the rest of my life"
what is going to happen tomorrow? what will happen next weekend? whats going to happen when secrets get told? i can see it now. another lowly rut. a depression. and i'll fall. not able to run away. and who's going to save me, when they can't even save themselves? whats going to happen when i find out for sure...

last night was like a fucking revolution. ha. well not really. but we've established some things that needed to be said. all though i never confirmed anything. she's a fucking genious. she probably knew it all along. well i'll update later. bye.

tonight was awesome. if only there weren't so many underage brats running around, it would have been the best ever. awesome music. SoCo rocks my fucking socks! okay. later.

i don't know where to start... but... i'm upset about quite a few things and this is the only place that i can try to explain. first.. about school. my parents don't understand me at all. they just don't get it. but i changed my schedule at the semester. i dropped accounting 2 for a study hall and i changed from study hall to senior english. now i know i'm not a senior and i know that i now have 2 english classes, but its been 2 days and i've been so much happier at school. its not bad at all. i don't understand why my parents think its such a bad idea. isn't it better that i'm happier? maybe my life would actually improve then.. but there comes my second complaint. well its not really a complaint so much as it is just an annoyance. my friend that i hang out with every weekend almost is going to be 18 in march, which means that she can go to the 18+ night club called wild country. now, that doesn't pose a real problem it seems, but i will be the only one out of my school friends who isn't 18 and who can't go to the club with them. also, another problem, all of my friends from staunton go to wild country every friday. so if all my friends are gone to the club i will be left all alone. and my friend will be left with having a good time.. she won't even think twice about leaving me alone, just like she didn't think twice about it last weekend. instead of thinking that maybe she's not the only one with a crush on someone. and she calls and tells me how good of a time she had with these people while i was stuck at home because of family problems. now, i don't know what to do about that, i would tell her that i don't appreciate when she does that, but i don't want to piss her off because she has connections to some people that i wouldn't mind getting to know better. but so then next year, when all my friends leave for college i won't have anything to do on the weekends. i doubt that i will spend any time at all with my friends or better known as my acquaintances from staunton. i would really like to spend time with them because they are cool people, but they are more friends with jayme and leslie than with me... so i don't think i will ever even see them after jayme and leslie are gone. so... i'm having mixed feelings about a lot of things. one being prom. i want to go, but i don't really want to go. i don't want to go alone is mostly what i'm trying to say. but if i am going i have to get a dress soon. but i don't want to be stuck sitting at the juniors table with all girls who never dance and who i have nothing in common with. i wish i could ask someone to go with me but i wouln't even know who to ask. actually i do, but i wouldn't ever know where to begin. i think i might want to go to seattle for college. either there or chicago, or maybe even columbia missouri. i'm not sure, but i definitely want to be more than 2 hours away from here. i'm dying of hunger right now, my mom made a terrible dinner. she made roast beef and some sort of pasta with cheese. and green beans and pasta salad. the only thing i ate was the pasta salad. so i'm pretty hungry. and i'm sketchy about this weekend. it makes me sad that i won't be able to go out on saturday night which is usually when i see cool people that i like to talk to. okay, well that is all... but i just want to add one more thing before i go. its terribly terrible to have a phone number that you are dying to call and not being able to pick up the phone and dial it. okay. i guess i will work on my courage and i'll see you later.

i don't really have anything to say. all i do is repeat things i've already said, so i don't think i should bother to say them. i think i'm going to get into a big deal of bad things. a lot of bad things are going to happen. i can feel it coming.

there is no beginning to the story...
last night was incredibly horrid. horrid. but i don't know if it would have been any better seeing one of my friends drunk making out with drake. would it have been worse seeing it, or is it just as bad hearing about it. i don't know. she thinks she's so fucking cool.. no. not cool at all. dumb. stupid. i don't know. i can't think, so i better not even try. ooh, school tomorrow. how much fun!. bleh.

"tonight you'll find me alone and getting high..."
its not that i wanted to go, but... you know... a night with drake... but you know she would have been all over him... not that i want him though... no no no. it just makes me angry when she says she will call me back before she leave and doesn't. it pisses me off to no end... so we'll see how far she gets without my car. and my cds. well, cd, the one i burnt her that she's not getting now. how can you claim to be someone's friend when you dick them over left right and sideways... so... jayme has got the right idea. i guess i'll have to stay on her good side now. especially if she's staying in st. louis. she could be a very valuable friend in the next year... especially in regards to a certain boy who drives a certain sweet car. no names mentioned of course. alright. alright. "but for now, i'll look so long-ing-ly for you to want me for you to need me for you to notice me... please please notice me!........." <3

"if Columbus was wrong i'd drive straight off the edge..."
so i'm thinking about... well everything really.. mostly about how i'm so sick and tired of being here alone. i just wish someone would.. well wait, could.. like me for me. but that won't ever happen. and he says "love is real... its not just something you thought you felt back in high school..." then when? when can i feel loved? when can i feel happy? everyone else seems to be happy, well what about me? what about my date to the prom, and my ice skating partner, and my show friend, and... and... the love of my lifetime....? where are you?

i wish she'd listen to her friend for once... this time she would be doing something tremendous for me. <3

do you feel love or a lack there of...?
so i'm listening to some juliana theory music preparing for the show next friday. i'm really bored and don't have much to say. its been a long long day... people piss me off all day long, so i just decided to not care anymore.. i'll just go on reading my book or writing my poetry, but i won't let them bother me like i have before. thats all i really have to say... oh and... globes and maps they chart your way back home...

oh my darling, when you smile its like a song, and i can hear it now...
yes i love this song. so its been a little while. finally going back to school tomorrow. not looking forward to that at all, but i guess all good things (vacation) come to an end. it snowed today. nice snow. i love snow. its better than rain by about 3 points. i don't really have anything to say. i'm not it a bad mood, but by far not in a good one... so i'll just leave it at indifference and say goodbye.

i wish i was loved like she is loved...
could you be the one to find me safe and sound, love is how its lost, not how its found"
so yesterday.. i finally realized for sure that its over. its over for sure. and i'm okay... generally. i still couldn't bear to erase the e-mails and i have yet to burn all the pictures.. but as time passes, i will. tonight: i found that being away from him might be all i need. but when she drags me to him and then practically taunts him, it makes me sick. i want him. i think i do. i think i know i do.