last night was the get up kids show...
we were front row... it was incredible, but it feels like i broke a rib and i have bruises on my hips and arms from being pushed against the barracade. i was hoping they would play some of thier slower songs, like valentine and i'll catch you... but they were trying to appeal more to the punk crowd i guess. it was still great. i can't wait to see tjt and soco. coheed and cambria was surprisingly excellent. especially the song "devil in jersey city" it was awesome. i'm not sure whether i liked being in the front or the back better. its all good i suppose. but i'm glad and not glad that we had the extra passenger. for reasons i can't really explain. maybe i'll be able to say more about that later... but before i forgot, i just wanted to say that the get up kids show was awesome. and dan andriano was awesome too. he played that acoustic really well. i loved that to the max.

everytime you're gone i wish that you'd come back...
tomorrow is my math final. i have this feeling that i'm not going to do so well. i guess it doesn't matter though anyway. everything is pre-determined. i could get straight A+ for the rest of my high school carreer and i still wouldn't have anything to show for it, except for lack of social life.. which i'm lacking now. but look on the bright side. get up kids in 2 days at mississippi nites. with coheed and cambria and dan andrainio from ak3. wow i just butchered his name. oh well, i don't feel like looking up the spelling right now. i think i'm going to burn another saddest songs cd and head off to sleep. au revoir.

could you be the one?... love is how its lost not how its found...
i think i'm realizing something that was probably here all along. with my bloodshot eyes and scratched up hands i sit here and type and sometimes... sometimes i just want it to end. all of it. it feels good to hurt... so burn and bleed. i'm realizing that i'm nothing but a fucked up girl with no one to talk to... no one but this stupid journal that no one even reads so its like talking to no one at all. maybe i just want to be normal. be content in being here and be happy in my youth... but i can't be. i can't be content in something thats dissappearing.

i would kill to see the lyndsay diaries at the hi pointe in february...
so i thought i had gotten something good but it always ends bad. it would make me happy for an hour if i could see bright eyes... i'm a waste of breath, of space, of time........ i can't stand to write. just listen to the music and sing out loud!

i want to do something thats worthwhile...
and soon it may be too late. everyone says wait until you're older, but what if i never make it that far. i want to do something that will make a difference now, before its too late.. before it all ends. but i don't even know where to begin.

i <3 the lyndsay diaries and bright eyes... they rock my world.
i want to move out to california where its warm all day long. where no snow will inhibit my driving and no corn will obstruct my view. or maybe i will head down to florida.. or maybe to seattle. just anywhere but here.

i would love...


to be loved.

i think its this room...
every time i'm here i feel like i don't want to go on anymore. no matter how good the day or the night, it all just ends here. like a wall of sorrow. this lyndsay diaries cd is exceptional, i suggest you pick it up if you haven't. "when all you want is this will to get out of bed" its exactly how i feel every day. its early tonight, and i'm tired. so... i think i might go away. listen to my cd and try not to cry while i fall asleep.

you're a boomerang you'll see...
wow, he was actually being nice to me today. he actually talked to me once and said hi twice. i wonder whats wrong with him. i really don't have much to say tonight. i played my guitar tonight. found that my favorite chord is e. i played nearer my god to thee and scarborough fair. then i watched law and order. then, now, i'm here. my arms are sore from practice. i'm not tired, but i have to get up so early i know i will die if i don't sleep. but i don't want to sleep. well i guess it would never work so thats okay. its okay now. i'd rather be alone. ::insert sarcasm:: anyway... i'm tired of staring at this page and i'm talking to probably the only person who ever reads this so i'm leaving.

this is the end...
why does it always feel like the end... sometimes i wish it really was... i'm so sick of joking. i'm so sick of being here. i should have said something today... he said. "she thought i cheated on her..." and i should have said, well its quite possible you've done such before. but then he would have know that i'm still upset... and i'm not... i'm not bitter anyway... but i didn't want it to turn out this way. its bad when you dread waking up in the morning and worse when you dread going to sleep because the new day will come sooner. maybe one day, it won't come...

if this is how it ends, i'm already dead...
so... i don't really know what to say... and i just want to know one thing... why does everyone think he is so cool? i just don't understand it. he's not cool... and i hate that they think he is... i wish everyone would realize that he's an asshole. i don't know why this is always on my mind. just because i hate to see him get what he wants i guess. someone told me we only have 90 days left of school. that is the best thing i've heard all day... i think i can survive 90 more days of seeing him... then he'll be gone away from me forever... <3 well since thats all i have to talk about i might as well sleep. au revoir.

can't talk... must sleep...
oh no, school is upon us... in only a few measly hours... actually about 9 hours... but still... its hell... i'm going to die. bye. <3

i'm apathetic with a capital A...
today was horrid. it snowed last night so i was trapped in this house all day with my mom and my brother. i tried rearranging my room. i pushed a huge dresser in front of the door to trap myself in, but i moved it because i don't know why. i guess because staying in here wouldn't really accomplish anything. i wish i could run so far away, but i don't have anywhere to go. i found a letter today... its from last year, last april. i would love to burn it, but i couldn't. i placed it in a shoebox, with a picture of us, and some ticket stubs... i read it over and over again, and i still... i still don't understand how he could do this to me... i don't understand how one minute he said he loved me and now, we never speak. i know how he is now, and i regret falling for his lies, but i've gotta be honest, i'd do it all over again. i really would... then tonight, i wanted to dye my hair dark brown again. my mom was being a bitch and said she forbid it. she asked what had happened to me. she has no idea... she has no idea of all my plans... to make this place better. no one has any idea. well, now i must go. its been a long day, and i don't know what to do now, so maybe i will be back later if i stay awake for that long, otherwise... ... yeah...

love is an excuse to get hurt, and to hurt, do you like to hurt, i do i do, then hurt me...
today wasn't so tragic. it was one of those days that comes and goes without a thought. the first day of this new year is over and i have not yet accomplished anything. living life to the fullest, wish you were here. but i talked to darren on msn and i was glad to see he is doing better (he was sick) i haven't talked to anyone else since this morning when the party ended. i should have had more last night. i should have finished what we started. i did one i could have done more. (shots that is) well i did more, but not of the stuff she brought that needed to be disposed of... i'm not making any sense now. oh you know what, erik is an asshole. i really wanted to say that to someone, and i don't know who to tell. i cannot believe i was in love with him for so long. he deserves to be alone forever, for sure now. well my headache is increasing so i'm leaving.

last night sucked.
the worst feeling in the world = when drinking depresses you and no matter how much you drink you can still feel how you are killing yourself...