i want a boy whose so drunk he doesn't talk...
so tonight wasn't so good after all... she says the lotion is lucky.. she says she loves him, but could never be with him. i could. i could be with him forever. any of them. damn those levels, damn those basketball games and those phone calls, and those long drives. damn me ever letting you take the car. damn me ever not looking my best... i haven't seen you forever.. and i miss you. did you know i miss you... so i see someone else.. other people. one smoking in the parking lot. another sexy in uniform, and yet another right after work... and another getting drunk off apple cider. i bet you none of them could listen to jimmy eat world other than the middle. and i bet none of them have ever heard of the get up kids. its too late to go back... i'm already gone. and the other one.. the first... i want to hate you so bad, but i can't... but i will... because i have to... theres no other way to survive...

remember that time...
when when me and you and d and mike went to see star wars... i know it was one of the worst days of your life... but it could have been the greatest of mine. it was the day i fell in love... and its been a dizzying dance of sidestepping ever sense. to d... you have my number and i would die of happiness if you would call me... i.. i love the way you won't fold for her.. that you won't turn your hat around.. its rebelous and it makes me smile which is quite a rarity. you make me want to change everything i am to be perfect like you are... but for now, i'll wait so longingly, for you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me... please please notice me...

yummm..... macaroni and cheese.......
i got home a few minutes ago... i couldn't go to the party... more importantly, i couldn't let her go. no no no, i couldn't let her be with drake... it may have turned out for the worse though because we met up with ian... i don't think so though... i don't know. but either way, a bad night turned pretty good. i'm really glad i kept her away from that party. and it was nice to meet ian finally after hearing so much about him... well i cna't concentrate because i am on the phone, so i will update after something else happens.

invited... :)
finally, invited to a party. its going to get busted, i know it. i just know it. but its going to be fun... i know its all for her. the only reason i'm here is for her. she'll be the one to get some.. not me, but just maybe... just maybe...

i'm having a blue christmas without you...
i'm sitting here in this small cold room. no lights are on but the world is glowing with the rapidly falling snow. the room is a mess. nothing seems different, but its christmas eve. i've never felt so depressed in my whole life. i didn't even want to move from my bed... but i managed to climb to this old chair and stare at this blurred screen. in a few hours, everyone will be rushing through the snow to church and to relatives houses... i don't want to move. i don't want to dress up in my red sweater and attempt to persuade my family into thinking that everything is perfect on this holiday. but once again its not. already the gifts are under the christmas tree, no surprises, we all know exactly what we are getting. everything is exactly as it seems... cold and empty. and i miss looking foreward to hearing from you.. i miss you more with every passing day. i miss most the person i though you were.. the person i know you could be...

me and you dear, we stick out like an orange door on a brown house...
i think i'm getting sick. and i'm waiting for a phone call that may never come. level 2 is online, but away... i don't like christmas for the pure fact of high expecations and being let down. i cry most this time of year. even if i love something, i cry that i have it or not. i miss him, level 2.5. he is and still could be my everything. no need for reminding, he's still all that matters to me...

the levels...
so we were talking about levels of crushes... level 1, guys that you kind of like. you know, the semi-sorta could be one night stand love affairs. level 2, guys that you know, that you want, but can't necesarily have... level 3, almost obsession... guys that you could have, but something is preventing you from being with them. level 4, pure obsession - the one your life revolves around, but you can't have... which makes you want to kill yourself.. and finally level 5, which would be your actual boyfriend... but i can say i don't have a level 5. i'll talk about this more later. bye.

how i wish someone cared, how i wish people wouldn't lie...
i wish... i wish people wouldn't lie and think so highly of themselves, i wish people would see beneath whats outside. like with him... i think maybe he may be sweet, just shy outside, so they label him as stuck up. i wish... i wish someone would care enough to call... or write or something to let me know that they do. but they don't. so does it matter? of course not. it never did and never will. sometimes i think i may be insane. why do i have to fall in love with practically everyone i meet? why oh why...

i was afraid to be alone, but now i\'m scared thats the way i like to be...
all that happened tonight... i went to the boys basketball game. then went on a country cruise. then went driving around. i\'m on the phone now, so maybe i\'ll be back later to say something more...

everytime you're gone, i wish that you'd come back...
please come back. come back to me and forgive everything. i thought i would be okay with you gone, but i can't do this anymore. i can't pretend that everything is okay, when everything isn't okay. i really need you, but... you have her. its killing me like it never has before. i wish i could tell you this, but it wouldn't matter. i know it wouldn't matter. i had you out of my mind.. i did. why do you have to be so perfect, that everything in my world has to revolve around you. i hate this feeling. its like nothing will ever be right without you... and you'll never be with me, so i'll never be alright. i think i really did die that night.. and this is hell. this place here is hell.

whats the point of a subject...
where is my head?.. i think it might be in the same place as my heart which is up in the clouds when i am around someone... today might have been one of the best or worst of all my life, i cannot decide yet. but anyway, i may be back later to elaborate, but i must prepare now for a basketball game. au revoir.

call me obvious, call me untimely, but i just hate the way things change...
it angers me, when people flaunt anything... and this girl does it too much. i want to tell her to stop.. but i don't know how. two more days of school.. i can't wait. i got a guitar today, but i can't play it until christmas. its a cort 150. acoustic of course. i can't wait to play it. my dad hit my car today. i cried. but there was no damage. he backed right into it, but his tire hit my tire because my tire was pointed out because i can't park good. it was odd. and i'm not going to say anything about it ever again. i was very close to leaving for good this time after he blamed the incident on me for parking my car in the driveway... well i'm going to do something else. bye.

i'm a waste of space, of breath, of time...
that song is really good. you should listen if you haven't. i have such a headache i think i am just going to sleep forever. i thought i had something to say, but i can't remember if i did or not. i had a poem or song written in my head, but i neglected to write it down... i might now if i can find my notebook, or otherwise i might sleep. i want to talk to the one person who is online, but i can't bring myself to say hello. goodbye.

i should have said...
yes.

she asked me if i liked him, and i should have told her...

yes.

a good night...
tonight was good. i will tell. first, it started off shitty. i had to show at my brother's fifteenth birthday party around seven. i stayed there until seven-thirty, then leslie called to tell me to come up to the store. i thought she was with darren and dustin, but she was with john, mike, jason, and aaron. laura was there too. then they all left to get some beer. it was only about eight though. so then we drove around, me and leslie for a while. then we decided to go to staunton to see who was there. we found darren and he got in to drive my car. we drove around for a while looking at christmas lights and just driving. then dustin called. we didn't have room for him in the car so he didn't come along. but then, we saw a bunch of metro-east kids walking up the street with baseball bats and canes and shit. so we called everyone we knew and gathered on our corner accross from diedekers. jamie and roger then pulled up. then roger, darren, and dustin stole jamie's car so we followed them in my car to drake's apartment. drake wasn't home, but his door was unlocked so we went in and chilled. then around eleven-thirty, drake and corey came back and we sat for a while, but i had to get home. fucking curfew. i was late as hell but didn't get in any trouble, but now i can't sleep because i am on such a high from something. i can't tell you the rest, but i still have all of darren's cds and his soda. and i have someone's coat.
thats all for now. <3 bye.