:: 2005 25 June :: 12.34 am

it shouldn't bother me, but it does. i wish she wouldn't write him things saying love ya kid and things like that. it also hurts that he treats her the same way he does me. its a sure sign that there is nothing between us. i should just give up now before i hurt myself worse. i'm really going to try to just be friends with him. even though he's the only thing in this world i care about.

:: 2005 21 June :: 12.39 am

i guess i'm sort of speechless right now. i would like to tell him what is on my mind but he hasn't bothered to call or write since that night. i can take a hint. i'm nothing to him and i knew that before. i really don't know why i thought i could make things different. and now thinking back i truly realize that i was nothing to him but a cheap thrill. it wasn't worth it to me. it hurts. i knew he didn't care about me. why did i let myself be so stupid. i really didn't think he was that kind of person. but now i know i'm just a joke to him and his friends. i'll never be more. i wish i could just forget about it, and move on. but the worst part of everything is that i can't stop thinking about him. every single day its like a new stab in my heart. its been more than a week since last time. i saw him tonight. we're supposed to be keeping this a secret, which really means he doesn't want anyone to know. although thats not for my sake, its just to keep emberassment away from him. he has nothing to worry about. after all, his clothes didn't come off. all i am is a whore now. and now thats all i'll ever be.

:: 2005 20 June :: 12.35 am

its obvious that its over.

and don't you dare ask why

:: 2005 18 June :: 12.13 am
:: Music: "you shouldn't kiss me like this" -toby keith

:: 2005 13 June :: 11.46 pm

i know this isn't real love. but i'll take whatever you're willing to give me. and i'll take it with a smile.

:: 2005 12 June :: 11.44 pm

i feel that for the first time i can actually say he broke my heart. i guess i'll never really know what made me let it go so far knowing it meant nothing at all to him. i guess i thought i could change his mind. but now all i am is his whore that he can call to get whatever he wants whenever he wants it, no strings attached. not even requiring a kiss goodnight. every time i see him it happens all over again. i think there could be something there and then i end up crying on my way home. why can't i push him away? why can't i let him go? all he has to do is show some small sign of affection and i'm completely his. it really does break my heart. and its all my fault.

:: 2005 8 June :: 3.59 am

i never imagined love could hurt so bad. and its just getting worse. i don't know what to do.

:: 2005 6 June :: 10.20 pm

i knew it was wrong and i knew it would hurt, so why did i do it?

:: 2005 29 May :: 3.21 am

i'm scared.

:: 2005 19 May :: 12.15 am

what have i done? i'm lost and i need help. i don't know what to do.

:: 2005 17 May :: 12.11 am

i knew it would hurt when he didn't call. i don't want to sit up all night waiting for something thats not coming. i knew it would hurt to expect something that was never there. sometimes i wish he would never have talked to me at all. he breaks my heart but i know he doesn't realize it. he doesn't know how much i need him. he doesn't know how bad i want him. even when i tell him, he doesn't comprehend. i didn't think it would be this hard to figure out what to do. and now i've gone and said some things. so now i have to fix it. but all i really want to do is call him mine. but i can't, because he doesn't want me. he only wants to use me.

:: 2005 11 May :: 9.44 pm
:: Music: norah jones

:: 2005 9 May :: 4.25 pm
:: Music: swing swing

:: 2005 8 May :: 3.14 am

its so hard to be in love with someone who doesn't exist.

:: 2005 6 May :: 11.44 pm
:: Mood: confused

if i do this i'm a whore.
if i don't i'm a tease.