"God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime..."
today was one of those days where you can walk around and you know its good to be alive. that smell was there. fresh air and the faintest scent of cigarette smoke. something about it makes me smile. maybe its just that its the last day of classes for the semester. maybe its that its almost summer and in a week i'll be heading home. maybe its that it finally feels right to be here. funny how things work like that. now that i feel at home here, its time to move on...

i forgot how good this was
so i decided while showering tonight that i'm just going to go for it. summer flings are just that. so why not? maybe it will be fun while it lasts.

what?
so i'm down to 2 weeks. then i don't know what will happen. i hope its more than a summer fling, but i might be content with just that.

it hurts to get ditched by your "best friend". these last few days have really made me realize just how much she cares about our friendship. so thats it. i'm through with her.
and i'm applying to transfer to slu next fall.
and i don't care if they say i'm throwing my life away. sometimes you have to do what you feel you have to do.

she knows something i don't. i have this feeling. but its over. good fucking bye.

its never been like this. of all the times i thought i was feeling down, its never been like this. i'm just literally so confused and unhappy that i can't even sleep anymore. its 1:33 central standard time. i have class at 8:30. it might kill me. to put on this facade every day as if things are just fine and i am so content with going to a big 10 school with the other 35000 people who roam the sidewalks. but i don't know how long i can do it. i've broken down to too many people already and i've let down even more. i wish things were easy again. i wish it was january of last year, when i was the happiest i've ever been, and at this point, maybe the happiest i will ever be. i miss everything about how things used to be. they will never be the same, and its too late to go back. that alone is enough to give up. i'm giving up. so long...

sorry... so sorry.
so i messed up again. i don't want to talk about it or think about it ever again. i hope it never comes up. nothing happened and now i refuse to let anything like that happen again. thats seriously the last time... i can't even forgive myself for this. i wish it had never happened. i just want things to be like in february... i miss you andrew, i miss you so bad.

i haven't been keeping up. so sorry. its been rough. thinking good and bad things about the love of my lifetime. meeting new people. loving it and hating every minute of it. i turn 19 in 3 days. not so huge. will he even wish me a happy day? i doubt it.