:: 2004 26 September :: 2.13 am

so i guess this is the end...

you were my everything... i don't know if i can go on without you... but you've shattered my heart this time, with no hopes of repair. goodbye andrew. i will not think of you again...

:: 2004 18 September :: 12.52 am

i want to go out and party... i really do... but i just can't. i can't do it because i still feel that there may still be hope. i know he doesn't care. i know he parties. i know he goes on the same without me, but i'm not going on without him. i guess he will be the ruin of me... still i miss him

:: 2004 12 September :: 8.40 pm

you will you will you will you will you will?
'cause if you don't then this book's all lies, if you don't then my plans will all be ruined, if you don't i'll start drinking like the way i drank before, well then i, i just won't have a future anymore...

:: 2004 11 September :: 1.04 am

i miss you...










i miss you so bad...

:: 2004 29 August :: 12.59 am

i want to go home.

:: 2004 28 August :: 9.24 pm

i hate it here. i just want to go home.

:: 2004 26 August :: 12.15 am

college was fun the first few days. now i'm so swamped i can't even see straight. i'm confused and lonely and tired and everything all at the same time. i don't know if i want to do this. i just want to quit and go home. i miss home, i miss familiarity, and i miss andrew. i wish he'd write me, but he won't because he doesn't care. nevermind... goodnight.

:: 2004 21 August :: 5.18 am

i can't sleep. i'm sorry. i feel sick, and alone, and stupid. why do i do these things i do? why am i always so stupid? this is killing me. i really don't know what to do. i know i don't deserve you, especially lately... and i'm sorry if i hurt you in any way. i hope you find someone good enough for you and i hope she treats you right.

:: 2004 20 August :: 9.32 pm

"i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where i would impress you. where every single word i said would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming... and you'd want to call me..."

i wanted so bad for you to call me. i wanted so bad to say goodbye.

:: 2004 19 August :: 12.59 am

well... i don't know where to start. i leave in 3 days. i hope things turn out okay. i talked to andrew tonight. its the most we've actually talked in a really long time. it was nice. i hope we stay friends. i like him a lot. it was really nice of him to meet me uptown when his friends were taking apart that engine. he's so nice. oh God, please let us stay friends. i just can't get my mind off of him right now. i got those pictures back... i don't even think we look cute together like people used to say. we are so different, but really alike at the same time. its funny how we never talk around people, but when its just us, we are fine. i told him to call me this weekend. i doubt he will... but i'd really like to say goodbye. even though it won't be forever. so long as he's happy, i am happy. i just wish we could stay in touch. i think we will have much more things to talk about when we both are in school. ::sigh:: i am laughing at myself, but ever since i saw him tonight, i just can't stop smiling. i wish he knew how much he meant to me.

:: 2004 15 August :: 1.47 am

i hate this place, i want to leave so badly. i can't feel like this anymore. i'm so broken down i feel truly dead inside. i don't want to live like this anymore. i think he hates me and i want to die.

:: 2004 14 August :: 2.16 am

i saw 3 1:11s tonight. 3 different clocks. but i made the same wish all three times. tonight was lame. last night was worse. i like to think that i am having fun being an independent woman and that i don't need anyone to have a good time... but i'm just kidding myself. i'm thinking about you... its never stopping and you're not caring. i'm leaving and i hate this because i'm torn between what i want so bad and what i have to do. and i'm not sure whether it would make it easier or not to know how you felt on this subject. i miss you sitting next to me and i'm sure you feel nothing, but i did. i love you and i always will. i hope someday you will see that and maybe even find inside that you like me too.

:: 2004 12 August :: 12.27 am

i thought things would be okay... i thought that maybe since we were both relatively indifferent about everything that we would be okay. so why am i being left out. i know its always the same... i just want to be a part of something. i want friends and for someone to call and actually want to do something. but i've never had that. i've been used... and i've been let down. i just wanted something to go right. i just wanted to be a part of him. last week leslie said "12 days isn't enough to start something..." she was right about that. and i looked at the calendar the other day and it said 12. now its down to 10. and 10 days isn't enough... but i wasted 6 months. i wish i could say i was sorry. i wish i could say those were the best days of my life... i can think those things, but i can't say them... because you would laugh... you would put me down and pretend not to care... even if you do. because your friends would laugh, they would put me down and say you shouldn't care. but i'll still love you, until the day i die. because you were and are the most perfect person i've ever met. i should have known and i sort of always did that i would never have a legitimate chance with you. well i think i sort of did, and i think i really blew it. maybe someday i'll get some courage and tell you what i've wanted to say for quite a while now... until then, i probably won't see you much in these next 10 days... and if i do see you, we'll probably say little to none... but i love you and i always will... no matter how bad it hurts to give up on everyone else, i believe that you are the one for me, and hopefully God does too. i know fate is what brought us together the first time and i hope it will happen again. all i know is that i'm going to miss you like hell. but life goes on... i don't see you much now, what's even less. hopefully things won't change too much and you'll be here when i return. i hope we can stay in touch but if you won't comply, you were the best friend i never had.

i have ten days to tell you this... i hope i can.

:: 2004 2 August :: 4.16 pm

love is not easy for me... and now i fear i have lost it. is there any way for me to get it back?

:: 2004 24 July :: 2.47 am

'hey, how are you? i haven't talked to you in a while. what have you been up to? this may be a cheap way of doing things... i think it is.. but i just wanted to say that i like you and i liked when we used to hang out sometimes. so if you ever want to hang out, just as friends or however you want to take it, then let me know. because i think that would be cool. if you don't want to do that, that is alright. i guess i'll talk to you later.'


so what do you think? do i have the guts?