:: 2004 22 July :: 11.34 pm

i'm sitting here alone on a thursday night. i only have 30 days until i leave for school. i want to go so badly and at the same time i know its going to kill me to go. i'm just listening to these songs and this one... it reminds me of him. well, they all sort of do. but this one especially. this was my song for him... "oh look now, there you go with hope again, but i'll be sure your secret's safe with me... oh you're so sure that i'll be leaving in the end, you're treating me like i'm already gone... but i'm not i will stay where you are always... I WILL STAY I WILL STAY I WILL STAY." but i don't know if i can stay... i don't know if you want me to. i need you to tell me something. because apparently my friends and yours too think we should be. so what do you think? why can't we talk? all i want is to see you. maybe tomorrow night. maybe someday i will have the courage to say something. something like i need you. don't give up on me. just because we will be apart doesn't mean we can't be together. again i guess i make no sense. i just need something other than mixed signals.

:: 2004 22 July :: 1.37 am

it sucks to be alone. it sucks to want something so bad but to know that you're so far away from it.

:: 2004 21 July :: 1.21 am

i hate how they get my hopes up.

i wish you liked me.

:: 2004 19 July :: 12.55 am

i am so lonely without you...

please stop talking about him... i don't want to hear it. and i don't want to hear how we should be together. i know i'm not a perfect person... i've made so many mistakes i don't even know where to begin... but please God, help me to stop making these mistakes and please help me to be happy.

:: 2004 17 July :: 3.51 am

i <3 you.... but if without me you are happy... then thats the way it has to be.

:: 2004 15 July :: 2.41 am

i don't think i have a chance with him... he is just too good for me...

:: 2004 12 July :: 12.00 am

all i want to do is be your friend. i wish you would let me in. and i wish i had the strength to be who you want me to be. but i don't know how to do that. i wish we would speak... but it seems that we are from different worlds even though we are actually not that far away. i just want to see you. i just want to talk to you. i just want it to be us again. just us. just doing nothing all night long until we can barely keep our eyes open. i don't know what i did wrong. but i'm sorry. i'm sorry i messed up... and i'll never do it again... if you'll just let me be with you again. please... just let me be your friend. just let me be what you need me to be... just so long as i'm a part of you. i'll be happy if you are... but are you happy now?

:: 2004 9 July :: 1.41 am

i thought tonight was going to be good... but i guess i was wrong. i just can't get him out of my head. and a night without him now is like torture. this needs to stop... i need him here... now.

:: 2004 8 July :: 1.12 am

i am stupid, that is why i am alone. why do i pass up chances. i just get so scared. what if he doesn't feel the same? then why should i even bother. i just want things to be easy. i just want to be with him.

:: 2004 7 July :: 12.01 am

everything everywhere reminds me of him... i feel as though i will never escape him. i don't know whether i am better off forgetting about him or trying to spend this little time i have left here with him... although i deem forgetting impossible. i love him. i don't know why and i don't really know how this came about, but i can't change it. all i want is him and he is the only one who can make things right. but... i have a wrong feeling about tonight. maybe something happened... or maybe i'm just insane... but i feel alone. no one called. no one cares. they probably went without me. my fear is that they saw someone and decided not to make me hurt. i hope that is not true. but then again... i do hope he is happy... and if it is not with me, then i suppose after some sad songs i will just have to deal with that. i just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. i've just never felt like this before. i just want to talk to him... to see him... to be with him always. but i don't know what to do. please help me... please.

:: 2004 6 July :: 12.59 am

i have fun.... but i wish i had something more like what they have. always together. always having fun.

i miss him... i wish he could be a part of this... but i just don't see it possible. i love him, but i don't know what to do about it. i don't know... i need help.

:: 2004 2 July :: 1.15 am

if there was only one thing i could do right now i would kiss you and i'd mean it... and you'd know that i meant it.

i need you. i can't live without you.

you are my everything.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

:: 2004 30 June :: 2.20 am

i can't sleep because if i sleep i will dream about you... and if i dream about you, i won't be able to breathe without you when the dream is over...

i <3 u

:: 2004 30 June :: 1.35 am

i feel so sick i could throw up. my stomach is twisted and i just don't want to go on like this. i thought i could handle it, when he wrote her back but not me... i can't. i can't handle this. i don't know whether to scream or cry. and ryan, you're not making this any easier. haha its so funny that you pretend you care. and leslie, how funny it is that you pretend to help. i don't even know anymore... i just feel numb. and with every new message or every new saturday night, i get a new found hope. and then every time it is shattered. i don't want to go with them tomorrow... they are so happy and falling in love... and i am so alone that i can't even feel. i just want to lock myself away until i can't remember his face... but will it ever go away? i thought maybe i had a slight chance to be his, but who was i kidding? only myself. i'm never going to be happy. i don't want to be this 3rd wheel anymore. i just don't. all i really want is you... and i wish you knew that... but if you did, i doubt you'd even care. i wish i could make you care... because i'll always love you... and i can't change that... at least not now.

:: 2004 29 June :: 2.08 am

he's probably not talking to me because i've scared him away. why does she have to go on doing that stuff? why can't i just be happy. i don't want to go away... i want to stay... with you, forever.