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2004 27 November :: 5.53 pm
Today was fun. I spent the day shopping at the mall with Kate, Jenn, and Mommy Schaub. It was fun. I got a puppy calendar. Something I'd perfer not to say cos it's kinda gay, someting for my bed, haha me and Kate got "Best Friend Necklaces" haha aren't we the gayest people in the world?!? Anyway. Um I got a really cute belt,My little red and white fluffy stocking, and hmm...I dunno. I'm not supouse to know thatI got something for Christmas but I definatly know what it is, and that I got it lol. I love you Kate! ;)
So yeah I definatly am happy that you are back..."in my life" parsay. :) *smiles* But I swear if you even fuck me over this time I will f u up the butt and kill you!..okay that sounded terriable. I mean I will kill you!
:)
I'm so in the Christmas mood.
<3 Jess
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 25 November :: 10.09 pm
Did I honestly think that everything would be okay again? You are such a selfish, greedy, miserable bitch that you can't take two seconds to love your own daughter on the day you should be THANKFUL to have me.
Do you know how you make me feel?? I bet if you did you would hate yourself. I have never told anyone the depth of all the pain and emotion there is to it, because I can't even express it in words. You make me hate my life, myself, the second i feel okay with the world, you kick me on my ass. You cause me anger, hurt, tears and you don't even understand what it's doing to me. You don't care, because it isn't you. You don't care because all your emotions are exactlly the opposite of mine. You JUST DONT CARE AND I HATE YOU FOR IT I HATE YOU!!!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!! You make feel like I am nothing, and not jus to you and our stupid "family" but to the world, to my friends, to anyone and everyone. You make me just want to fucking shoot myself in the head. I am happy, and the second i talk to you that feel of happiness disapears. I can't handle this. I love you so much, and I hate you at the same time. Why I love you..I don't know. You don't deserve my love. But for some reason I still care about you. I'm getting to the point though where I just don't care though. The way ytou make me feel, no one should EVER feel. I hope one day this comes back to kick you in the ass, because you will never understand. Ever. You will never understand how much you hurt me every day. Things will never be the same. Ever. I wish for one day you could eveN TRY to handle me feelings, handle how I feel because of you! You make me feel like no one will ever love me, ever that I will NEVER be good enough, that all I am is a fucking pain in the ass, and a terriable person. Ugh I hate you I hate you! That's not who I am. I hate you!
Happy fucking thanksgiving mom.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 25 November :: 5.01 pm
Thanksgiving was fun. The potates were bomb. That's my favorite. Mashed Poates. My comfort food. I love the Schaubs. We played spoons ha, it was bomb. Now I'm going to see Spongebob w/ Jess, what the hell is the matter w/ us?? Spongebob, I hate Spongebob. I don't even want to go. I want to see the Polar Epress. Maybe I can talk her into seeing it instead.Ughh if I have to sit through Spongebob I'll kill myself. YOu have no idea.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 25 November :: 11.49 am
Off to go to Thanksgiving dinner w/ Kate and the fam. I love you Kate!!! I am so happy. Just for nor eason I'm really happy. Snow, I hated it, now I love it just cos I haven't been outside once since it got here, but it makes e verythinglook so pretty and me and Kate got in the Christmas mood. We like got out the Christmas mugs and made hot co co and were looking for Christmas movies. Lol Ahhh
If you love me, please leave me a comment.
<3 muah Jess
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You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 24 November :: 11.30 pm
That makes me so happy. Jess yay!!! thank you for telling me that. Thank you thank you thank you.
I coudln't believe that , ...that was it. That there was no closure, no ...ending. Now either I'm going to get it. Or I'm going to get everything I wanted from the start.
I actually love the snow right now.
Jess
yayyyyyyyy
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 24 November :: 8.39 pm
Have You Ever? | Created by voidedINK and taken 7461 times on bzoink! | | Have you ever hit someone forcefully? | Yes | | Have you ever thrown anything at a moving car? | yes | | Have you ever been in a fist fight? | only with like family, and my neighbor | | Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? | yes | | Have you ever hit an animal on the road? | no | | Have you ever seen a Beatles film? | no | | Have you ever cussed? | oh yeah | | Have you ever been on a subway? | no | | Have you ever taught a little kid to cuss? | haha no | | Have you ever cheated on a test/exam? | yes | | Have you ever skipped school? | of course | | Have you ever egged someones house? | no | | Have you ever gotten a computer virus? | yes | | Have you ever cried for no reason at all? | yes | | Have you ever missed someone? | yes | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
The Perfect Guy | Created by madhatter and taken 6425 times on bzoink! | | Hair color? | Dark | | Eye color? | Brown | | Height? | Tall like 6 foot | | Six pack? | yes | | Long hair or short? | Either Curly hair, like the attractive curly hair, or like shaggy skater boy hair w/ highlights | | Glasses? | no | | Piercings? | cartilage is hot | | Eyebrows? | tamed | | Big butt or little? | tight | | Chest hair? | eww no | | Buff or skinny? | buff | | Teeth? | nice smile | | Section 2 | | Funny or serious? | funny, but knows when to be serious | | Party-hopper or more stay-at-home? | Stay at home w/ me, but party on special occasions | | Should he be able to bake or cook? | oh yeah he's gotta be able to take care of me | | Does he have a best friend? | yes | | Is it okay for him to have a lot of female friends? | ehh yeah i guess, as long as that's all they are | | Out-going or shy? | out going | | Sarcastic or sincere? | sincere | | Does he love his mother? | yes | | Should he watch chick-flicks? | only when i make him | | Would he be a smoker? | hell no | | How about a drinking? | sure | | And swearing? | we all do it | | Would he play with your hair? | when he's being corny and fun yeah | | Would he have more than one girlfriend at a time? | no | | Would he pay for you when you're on a date? | yes | | Does he kiss on the first date? | yes | | Where would you go for dinner? | AppleBeas or Olive Garden | | Would he buy you flowers? | yeah | | Would he lay under the stars with you and spout random philosophies? | aww tha'd be cute | | Would he write poetry about you? | eh, doens't have too, but sure | | Would he use endearments? | hmm...good question...lol | | Would he hang out with your and YOUR friends? | yes | | How about you hanging out with him and HIS friends? | yeah | | Would he walk you up to the door at the end of the evening? | yes | | Would you hold hands? | yes | | Section 3 | | Does he play soccer? | no | | Baseball? | yes | | Football? | yes | | Basketball? | yes | | Water polo? | no | | Golf or something equally boring? | who cares | | Does he surf? | that'd be bomb cos that'd mean i lived by the ocean | | Skateboard? | no | | Snowboard? | sure | | Can he sing? | yes | | Play the guitar? | yes | | Play piano? | yes | | Play the drums? | no | | Can he keep his room clean? | who cares | | Is he an artist of sorts? | yeah | | Does he write his own music? | sure | | Does he have pets? | YES puppies!!! | | Section 4 | | Does he use the word dude? | no | | How about tight? | no | | Would he watch the sun rise and set with you? | sure | | What kind of car does he drive? | who cares | | How old is he? | older than me | | What's his name? | KABONY!!!! | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 24 November :: 4.17 pm
Oh my gosh. I'm flippin out. Me and Kate took a nap in my bed downstairs. And we woke up and we pop our heads up from the blinding white light coming out of my windows and huh wierd... the ground is covered in snow and it's whit eeverywhere. It's like a friecken blizzard. ugh grr I hate it.
2 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 24 November :: 12.10 pm
Last night Cass and Heath came over and I had so much fun. We are the 3 most immature people in the world. I haven't had that much fun in a long time.
Will we're sorry, and I understand if you don't want to forgive us. It was only a joke and we didn't think you'd think it was that big of deal. But we were wrong, and we're sorry.
I feel bad about that.
I did have a great night though!
<3 Jess
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 23 November :: 2.25 pm
You Are the Stuffing |
You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together.
People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why.
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You Are the Individualist |
4
You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.
You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.
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You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 23 November :: 2.02 pm
I feel like I'm being forced to keep moving, keep pushing along, but I just can't because I can't stop and deal with all the emotions running throught my head, let along my heart. I just can't shake it.
I forget so often that pretending to be happy doesn't make you any happier. I forgot that pretending I'm satisfied with everything won't give me any satisfaction at all. I forgot that prettending to have an ounce of hope, ins't going to give me any. Most of all I just FORGOT that pretending is only pretending, it doesn't lessen the amount of pain, or make it any less important, or suttle the emotion or tears. The tears that stream down my cheeks are the same with or without any pretending involved. If there IS any difference it's only that the tears fall heaveir when pretending.
If there's anything I can do to help myself get my head back in the game, it's be honest with myself I know what I want and I know what I need so escaping it only makes me a fool for dwelling and complaing about it.
My second worst fear is to wake up one day from my lip gloss, loud music, and shop till I drop reality and realize that's exactlly! what my reality is. That it's everything BUT living. Life is taking chances and it IS taking risks. Stepping on the edge and jumping head first into life and stop avoiding it. Stop coming up with any and every excuse to not live on the wild side for once. To go after what I want to be chasing after.
I wish I had the balls to actually do it, or someone to help me. because I'll just wake up tomorrow and I'll be the exact same way I am every other day.
My only concern is proving it to my self, proving me wrong if no one else can.
Jess
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 22 November :: 6.06 pm
I wish it could be more, but it never will be, because you're too different from me. I wish we were the same, oh God do I wish.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 22 November :: 5.58 pm
Me and Kate just got home from Meijers to get Jessica's birthday present, and we fell in love with the cutest little gerible. And there only 5.99 and the bedding was cheap, and the cage, and everything.I had moeny and we were already picking out names and were soooo exctied, then we called her mom. and yeah it has to be approved by the fadge with will never happen. Lol he doesn't really think we can take care of ourselves let alone another living object. :( I want a puppy.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 22 November :: 8.59 am
Have you ever just felt like you will never be good enough for any of your wishes, or your desires, fantasy's, or even your dreams? Let alone your reality?
I feel like I can be surrounded by a sea of people, yet I still feel as empty and alone as ever.
I take a good hard look around and all I see is everyone that I love living their fairy tales. Like there's a prince for every princess except for me.
It's tearing me apart pieces by peices and theres almost nothing left. No hope, no faith, no dreams, or confidence.
I get lost in lyrics to songs, stories in books, plots in movies, but their all lies, their JUST storys, but I can't help but let me hopes roll of of it, because I don't have story of my own to tell.
I've lost my family, all my friens are happy and I'm not about to ruin it for them just because I can't take care of myself.
I look in the mirror and all I see is this stupid, shallow, vain, insenstitive, selfish, rude, loveless girl with no hope and no future and I each day that passes bye I hate myself more and more for not changing it.
There's three in the hall
From those pictures in the closet
Two in the bedroom
From the night I lost it
And one deep insdie me
Determinded to stay
They don't get any bigger
But they don't go away
Holes in and around me
I keep fallin back into
Holes dig in and surrond me
God knows what I'm gonna do
To fill in these holes left by you
I poured drink after drink
But nothing hut bottom
I've been on my knees
Admitted my problems
The love that we made
Is still brealy an echo
And I'll try anything
In these vacent hallows
There's two trhought my hands
and one through my feet
From this cross that'll bear
Till the day that I see
It's quit and it's blame
It's shame and it's hell
Seeking the truth
I dug them myself.
*Jess
2 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 21 November :: 9.02 pm
Pappy just left. Thanx Jess.I needed you tonight.
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 21 November :: 10.25 am
I just have to listen to my own advice. Things will get better with time. I know they will. They have too. There's no where else that they could go. As lonely as I feel, I am going to save myself, and someone will come a long. And life will never be perfect, but the more time that passes by I feel more like family, and I love it more and more here and right now..I don't think I could ever leave it, because it is home and these people ARE family. I love them with all my heart. Blood related or not. The Schaubs are probably 4 of the most loving, greatest people I will ever know. Me and Kate have become best friends, she's like a sister to me, and nothing will ever break us apart after this. Lol we can tolerate each other even while pmsing, that's something.
God, I am so glad we only have two days this week. I would go insane if we didn't. I can't wait for Christmas. I love the Christmas mood with the snow, and Everyone's Christmas lights, that's my fav. part is going through town and seeing everyone's lights, baking, family gatherings, Christmas shopping for everyone, all the good stuff.
<3 Jess
2 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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