IM IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD

Lol I'm in such a good mood lol I'm so hyper. I love Ashley soooo much! We talked for the longest time today. We miss New York so much!!!! We hate it here.

We came up with our future plans. After we graduate we are going to move to New York get a crummy appartment in New York, because that'll be all we can afford, because there like 600 a month. We're going to go to this college in New Jersey, which is 20 minutes away. We're going to have jobs, obviously and work ll the time to pay for everything, witht he moeny we're going to save now while we're in high school. Then when we graduate from College, we are going to look for work in New Jersey, where it's not so crazy, move there where's it cheaper and go into New york to party on weekends. Then eventually I want to move back to michigan when I want to settle down and have kids, etc.

Good plan huh? lol We thought so

oh yeah, you're thinking about it? that make sno sense. This is not thinknng about it, it's falling off the face of the planet. You just may want something, and by the time you decide wether you do or not, my intrest is going to be gone, just a heads up. It's bs.

Yes, me and Ashley are gonna hang out I love her so much! She's the funnest person! Ahh I wish we could go back to New York sooo bad!

*sigh* I hate Michigan. *cries*

Jess

~*~Fun Fun Day~*~

I'm having a much better day. I don't know if any of you remember Dezarea Strong, but she use to go to our school and was one of my best friends when I was little. When we were in like first and second grade, then she moved to Kenowa Hills and we still talked a little bit because of sports and stuff. Well today she called me, she just got her liscense like a week ago and we went to the movies and to Wendy's lol. It was so much fun! I love that girl! She's so sweet. It was so fun to see her. It made my day. Then I got home and my mom had taped Ellen for me, heh that made my day better too, and to top it off I got to talk to Lindsey :) woo, she's dating Iasac! yay! Today's been a really good day. The fact that I tried and you ignored the effort, hasn't really been bothering me. Things will be better with time, I hope. Oh, heh AND I got my issue of seventeen today! :) woo look at me, good day.

Jess

Making an attempt to put pieces together.

I was thinking today about how I don't want any enemy's. I just don't want to live that way. So I'm going to try my best to attempt to come to an ahmends with some people, and if not then I tryed.

Me and Andy pretty much are fine. I still think that I should say something to you because I do admit I get very annoyed with you because you're no longer the Andy I was best friends with. You're just ...this new Andy. The old Andy I knew didn't care about the looks, he stood up for himself and others, he knew right from wrong, and I'm not trying to say you're a totally different, bad guy now, because your not. I just miss the old you , is all. Which is hard, because I'm thinking I might never get use to this new you, because I cared about someone else, but I can certainly try.

Jon, all we've ever done is fight. I'm not asking to be friends again, just to be aqwantinces. Next year is going to be difficult otherwise. It makes me sick thinking we fought and bickered, were friends for a year for nothing.

Devon, things will get better, with time.

*confused grin*

Now who would have thought I would do that? I didn't. Lol, either could relieve a lot of stress, or make things even more messed up than they have been in the past.

Some people come, and some people go, the ones who stay throught everything, good or bad.. are the ones who can be trusted.
I'm getting to the point where I'm pushing it out of my pile of "important issues" because I deserve better than that. IF we shall cross paths though...I just might rumble! Yes, that's right, dorky me said RUMBLE! That's a terriable thing to do. Wondering is ten times worse than actually knowing. So think before you speak to me. If it's not reasonable language flowing from your mouth, I just might have to kick your ass. Yes, I just might. That would feel good right about now. Very good indeed.

Amy's funeral is today. I'm going with my mom. *sigh* I don't want to go. To me, it doesn't make sense. Then again, that's just me. I should go anyway.

I want school to start. Then things wouldn't be such a big deal. I would be much happier. I would see all of you, every single day. For most of my dad. That's nice....sometimes.

*sigh* I have cramps. *shakes fist in air* Why do women have to have such a high pain tolerance level? Stupid men, you suck. *jealous grin* Fuck you stupid pigs.

I'm going to go, I'm getting mean and cranky.

Jess

Who gives a hoot

This has happend the last two times. What a smack in the face. Yet, you don't even see. How can you not see? How can you not care? I just don't understand. Everything I do and say to someone, I care about. I always think about how to handle it, what's the best way. How do you not even have the common sense to think about how I'd feel?? You didn't. YOU SHOULD HAVE! Otherwise you shoudln't have done it, because now I feel terriable. Which is exactlly what I told you NOT to do to me. Don't do it is the exact words I said, and here I am, and it's exactlly what happened. I KNEW IT WOULD TOO! wtf is the matter with me? Why did I trust you, why don't I ever trust myself, why didn't I just listen to ME! I know myself better than anyone does. Who should I have trusted, you or me? ME! but did I? No I trusted you! jakdjfl;akjfakl;fjlkajsfd I JUST DONT WANT TO CARE ABOUT STUPID LITTEL STUFF THAT MAKES EVERYTHING SUCK! I cried, I screamed, I shouted, I got annoyed, I got cranky, I became very unpleasant to be around, because of all this.

I just want everything to go back to the way it was. No more of this "deal with it, and it'll make you stronger" bullshit. I'm sick of it, I'm done. Completely. No more.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Let's start this over, it's not like were dead. Was it something I did, was it something you said. Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead, held up so high such an un-breakable thread. You were all the things I thought I knew, and I thought we could be....you were everything everything that I wanted. We were meant to be , supose to be, but we lost it. All of the memories so close to me fade away. All this time you were pretending, so much for my Happy ending.

You've got your dumb friends I know what they say, they tell you I'm difficult, but so are they, but they dont know me, do they even know you? All the things you hide from me, all the shit that you do, You were all the tings I thought I knew, and I thought we could be. You were everything everything that I wanted. We were meant to be supose to be, but we lost. All of the memories so close to me just fade away. All this time you were pretending, so much for my happy ending.

It's nice to know that you were there. Thanks for acting like you cared, and making me feel like I was the only one. It's nice to know we had it all, thanks for watching as I fall, and letting me know we were done.

All this time you were *JUST* simply pretending, so much for my happy ending.

____________________________________

Oh is right bitches! Anyone want to go shopping tomorrow, give me a call 696-3011.

Jess

I've been driving for an hour...just give me something to believe.

Great way to spend your 4th of July. My favorite holiday, *sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do if one more thing goes wrong.

What can you not pick up a telephone? Did you happen to break you arm while you were gone, and you can't push 6 simple numbers?

So I'm in a really bad mood if you couldn't tell. Everything and everyone is really ticking me off. No offense to anyone.

This is exactlly why I ignore the entire issue, because I don't want to wind up here.
I wonder what it is that happened, if it's something I did wrong...when really it's you! Why I let people walk all over me has got to change. I don't tell you how I feel because I'm afarid it'll cause problems. In reality you are causing the problem, because you don't think before you act. Just don't pretend to be someone your not. I have built up in my head that your this and that, then the way you act...makes me wonder if you're just pretending so I like you. That irrates me. I don't know what the truth is. Be honest, don't be fake, or pretend to be something or someone your not. It not only bugs me, it makes you look like a fool.

I started my period today so I'm extra bitchy. Yes, I did just share that. I don't care though. It happens , get over it. Stupid assholes.

My Grandpa got a cat scan today or something. I'm not even sure what's going on with him which is pretty sad, because he's done so many things for me since we moved to Cedar. When I was like only a few months old. We lived with our grandparents when we were building our house next door. Which was the happiest times of my life. I loved living with all my family. It was my sister, my brother, me in our big room. My parents next door. My Grandparents across the hall. The big bathroom in our hallway where we always took long baths with the rubber ducks and all that fun stuff. My uncle downstairs. Our whole family would come over every Holiday. All the good memories I have when I was little was when we lived with our Grandparents. There was always someone to play with, to watcha movie with, to help you get something to eat, to help you put on your shoes and bring you somewhere. My Grandpa is such a sweet old man. He spolied all of us. I remember when I was little and I never liked what our Grandma was cooking for dinner I'd have to sit at the table untill I finished what was on my plate and my Grandpa would always come into the dinning room and help me finish it, and then give me some of his desert. When our whole family would go someplace shopping, the beach, michigan's adventure. I'd always want something. I stuffed animal, a ice cream cone, a toy, something and my parents wouldn't always get it for me. Trying to teach me that I don't always get my way, and my Grandpa would always get it for me or my brother, or sister. He was so sweet. Every Christmas, every birthday, was aways so specail. I loved that! I loved that they cared more about us than anything else. Lol Jess even still talks about how it's so amazing when she came over when we were litter we had a cookie jar, or something I don't know. She's crazy. ;) She never makes sense, but she grows on ya. Even when things were tough, like when Nick had bonedisplacia, they didn't pretend like nothing was happening, or hide it. Whatever we wanted to know while Nick and my parents were in Detriot, they told us. They were always there with loving open arms. He still to this day gives us rides everywhere, they spoil us rotten. So it kind of makes it worse when all those times both my Grandma and Grandpa have just been a house away, there for everything in my life. Everything that's happened to me, they've been there with my family. Always. So how bad do you feel when something happens to him, and there's nothing you can do...

I really miss Linds. I tell her everything. I cannot wait to see her again.

I'm starting to miss school again. And we still have like two months left. *bah* I thought this summer was going to go by so fast. It isn't... I've had fun..I'm still having fun. I just do miss seeing everyone every single morning.

I miss sharing a locker with Jess
I miss waiting to do the morning annoucments in tv production till the very last minute and being late sometimes to second hour because of it.
I miss doing announcments and always laughing and messing them up while on air
I miss Will and Odren making me laugh every day in Biology
I miss Steve rubbing his bum against everything in Biology
I miss talking to Heather the whole time we're supose to be playing a review game
I miss talking to Cramer and Bigney everyday in 3rd hour. Cracking stupid jokes and making fun of people
I miss always being late to lunch because Jess has to make out with Roman every single day before 4th hour.
I miss how me and Jess lol became mighty friendly with the lunch lady's with always being late.
I miss never even finishing our lunch because me and Jess would always be talking the entire lunch time
I miss Mr. Taylor and Mrs. Scott having to kick us out of the lunch room after lunch was over because we were trying to finish our lunches
I miss how me and Jess always took the elevator after lunch lol never getting caught
I miss how we'd always forget everything we needed for English
I miss how me and Jess has like 4 english books and when we turned them in, none of them were ours..oops
I miss how we'd crawl under Mrs. Millard's desk, meowing...untill we got in trouble lol
I miss everyone thinking me and Jess were very strange in that class
Hell, I miss everyone thinking me and Jess were strange
I miss gossiping all house in Choir with Lindsey and Devon
I miss Devon
I miss Lindsey
I miss me and Devon skipping choir all the time to go to the gym and hang with Mr. Carr lol good times
I miss Lindsey and I always walking to 6th hour laughing like insane freaks
I miss Will stealing my glitter out of my purse, dumping it in Joe's Vandyke's hair, making him cry, and the whole class to get detention's until someone confessed.
I miss will always scrummiging through my purse
I miss everyone scrummiging through my big ass purse
I miss skipping with Jess and always talking our way out of it
I miss our messy locker with crap everywhere
I miss having like 5 geography books , and also..none of those were mine either
I miss talking to everyone after school
I miss Myles , Henry, Mitch, and Jimmy giving me rides home all year
I miss everyone

*sigh* yes, I do miss school. Sad huh?

It makes me sick to my stomach to think that everything ....everytime I tried to fix things, everytime I was there for you to talk to, everytime you were there for me, everytime for anything was just for nothing.

I wonder sometimes how different everything, every word would be, if we all knew every last thing we did, said, tried would be our last. How different would it be? Why is everyone so afraid to actually say how they feel, or how important someone is to you. Would you rather have them leave now knowing?

I don't want you to leave not knowing.

*sigh* You're making everything I thought be the complete opposite. This isn't who you are, you don't act like this. You're just being stupid, because you don't know what to do. Please don't do that. Please, I'm begging you. You are better. Please, just don't do it.

She said "This can't be happening, this isn't supose to be how it happens" and tears fell from her eyes.......one last time.

I love you! It's taken awhile to admit it, but I have for quit a while, and I'm sure I will for a long time after this.

I find comfort in your words, comfort in you. The way you make everything ok. The way you care so much. God is the only person I can rely on. You hear my aching, and you answer my prayers. He knows and sees everything. He has the power to make anything ok. To do anything. I love you, and I can only hope.

Give me one good reason, tell me why, I should stay? Cos I don't want to waste another moment, saying things we never meant to say. I take it just it just a little bit, I hold my breath and count to ten. I've been waiting for a chance to let you in. You just end up watching the chances fade and wondering what's real. I just need a little time. I wonder if you have even realized I've been waiting, now I'm just going to wait untill I see it in your eyes. Suddenly you'll see, everything alright, if I just breathe.

I love Jess because she's always here. No matter where I go, or where I am.
I love Erika because she's so sweet, and does what she believes in. I love that.
I love Brandi because she's sooo sweet.
I love Becky, because she's so funny, and outgoing.
I love Lindsey because well...she's lindsey.
I love Dan because he's a great guy.
I love will because he can make any person or situation easy and fun.
I love Heather because she sticks with how she feels.
I love Jenna because she's a doll and listens to what you really say.
I love Andy because even though most of the time I cannot stand him, I love him anway...just because.
I love Katie, because she's been there.
I love Shannon because she's such a good person.
I love Ben because he's happy Ben
I love troy because he has good intentions.
I love Devon because I always will in some sense.
I love Angeeh because even though somtimes I wonder about that girl I can't help but wonder about how when we were in 4th and 5th grade she helped a lot.
I love Ashley because she's so outgoing.
I love all of you! Sorry if you're not specifically on here, but I do love all of you.

I can't spell worth a darn. lol but you already knew that.

Hmm...I think I'm .....not going to stress about it. It's your call. I try to control too many things. You have to do this on your own though. I can't help you..and I guess I won't. I just HOPE you make the right choice. God knows what'll happen if you don't.

Just pick of the damn phone and have a real reason. A logical explanation. That's all I want.

*Sigh* Thank God for Woohu. I think I might go insane without it.

I love you!

Jess

.........ok then
I'm just going to hold my breath until I forget.

Trapped in the past for too long.

Why haven't you? I've been waiting, and the longer I wait, the more of an idiot I feel and look like. Just don't say it was a mistake. I guess...just be honest. That's all I ask.

This is a very shitty 4th of July. My mom's best friend passed away, and my Grandpa's in the hospital. It's rainy, my plans are totally fucked up, and I just feel like a mess. My ankles hurt so bad, and I took the muscle relaxer they gave me, and my leg is asleep pretty much, and I'm about to pass out it makes me so tiered. So yeah, if I'm feeling better me Erika, Jess, and Brandi will hopefully go watch fireworks.

I want to cry...I'm such an idiot. I let it happen. jafkljasl;kfjalds;fj;alkjf