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Three things that scare me:
1:	Snakes
2:	Falling for someone
3:	If tomorrow never comes
Three people who make me laugh:
1:	Jess
2:	Devon
3:	Linds
Three Things I love:
1:	My friends
2:	Grapes
3:	Music
Three Things I hate:
1:	Mean people
2:	Falling for someone
3:	Fighting with people
Three things I don't understand:
1:	How he can do this
2:	Algebra
3:	What to do next
Three things on my desk:
1:	Headphones
2:	Telephone
3:	Pictures mom got devolped
Three things I'm doing right now:
1:	Listening to music
2:	crying
3:	thinking
Three things I want to do before I die:
1:	Get married and have kids
2:	Swim with dolphins
3:	Go to a Kenny Chesney concert
Three things I can do:
1:	make a fool of myself
2:	be really guliable
3:	cry
Three ways to describe my personality:
1:	Caring
2:	Loving
3:	Outgoing
Three things I can't do:
1:	Forget how bad you're hurting me
2:	Lie to you
3:	Understand what's going on

Three Things brought to you by BZOINK!

I AM::	confused
I THINK::	I'm going to cry
I KNOW::	everythings really messed up
I WANT::	things to be okay
I HAVE::	so much on my mind
I WISH::	i could just be happy for a while
I HATE::	everything going on
I MISS::	having someone
I FEAR::	he doesn't care
I HEAR::	he doesnt
I SEARCH::	for the right answer
I WONDER::	if I'll ever find it
I REGRET::	saying that
I ACHE::	in my heart
I CARE::	so much about what happens next.

jessa's Untitled brought to you by BZOINK!

Name:	Jess Hazen
Nicknames:	Red, Pappy, Bertha, Curly, Jessa, Jessi-Lynn
Age:	14
Birthday:	November 11th
Nationality:
Current Height:	5"3
Hair Color:	Red
Eye Color:	Blue
Family:	Dad-Steve, Mom-Nancy, Sister-Katti, Brother-Nick
Location:	Cedar Springs bah
College:	UNC
Piercings:	ears
Red or Blue:	blue
Spring or Fall:	fall
Santa or Rudolph:	Rudolph
Math or English:	English!
What are you going to do after you finish this survey:	Probably sit around and thinka nd cry more about how messed up everything i
What was the last food you ate:	grapes
High School or College:	High School
Last movie you saw:	umm....Duplex
Last noise you heard:	Box Car Racer- I feel so
Last time you went out of state:	This summer
Things you like in a girl/guy:	kjasdklfjalkdfjalkjsdfl
What book are you reading now:	Johnny Angel
Favorite board game:	Sorry
Favorite magazine:	Seventeen
Worst feeling in the world:	what I'm feeling now
First thing you think of in the morning:	great, another day of dealing with all this
Future daughter's name:	Aley Lynn or Cleo Michelle
Future son's name:	Christopher, Brad, or Tyler
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal:	Yes and a blanky
Dream job:	Choreagropher
Whats under your bed:	ehh...a box with all my notes, shoes, clothes, photo album ...a lot of stuf

Overview Survey brought to you by BZOINK!

My heart has taken so many beating in the last month ....I don't know how much more it can take.
So last night, really sucked. Mitch called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the game with him, and he was meeting someone at Hungry Howies and to ask Devon and Jimmy if they wanted to go. So I went over to Josh’s and asked him and I was just playing foseball with the guys and Mitch came over, came in changed, and we left and picked up Devon. Then we got to Hungry Howies, met him there, don’t know about what he thought about the surprise, oh-well. So nothing was happening. When he talked, I just ugh adskfjalsdjflkasdjf knew this wasn’t going to happen. All I kept thinking about was what a bad idea everything was. What an idiot I am. I’ve fallen for the guy with the girlfriend, the guy who I keep thinking is …basically perfect, when the guy who’s really perfect was right beside me the entire time. God, how could I even think that this thing with him could work out. He never tells me how he feels anymore. He’s never going to do it, and even though he’s made me feel like the biggest ass for the past couple of weeks for some STUPID reason there’s something telling me to hang on a bit longer, but I just don’t think I can. I don’t know why I would want to. Because I’m not the one who has control over a single god damn fucking thing going on! HE IS! and maybe, he doesn’t understand that, but I don’t know if he ever will. And there’s nothing I can do about it. If he really wanted this, he wouldn’t still have that. And I don’t know why the hell it’s taken me so long to realize this, probably because all I’ve wanted too see was the good, but now there just isn’t really any left, so all I can think about is all the crap I’ve had to go threw just for him, to end up being nothing. Brandee hates me and Devon with a passion. And honestly, I don’t care that much anymore. But the fact that she doesn’t even have a clue about what she’s pissed about, is what makes me and Devon so mad. First of all, she only knows the half of the story. She thinks she knows all of it, but how could she when he hates her, and never even talks to her. I haven’t done anything wrong here. If anything be mad at him, he’s the one messing around. And I don’t even have anything to do with him anymore…basically. I have no problem with her, either does Devon, so I’m thinking maybe she needs to just get over it, because NOTHING IS HAPPENING!!! ajfkajwd;flkjasf!!!!!!!!!!!!! So all I kept thinking about at the game is how I really wish I wouldn’t have ruined that,just for someone like him. And Emily, I don’t know she’s a really sweet girl, and when I talked to her, everything was cool. So I’m hoping it still is. There’s nothing I can really do because I’m not doing anything wrong. They think there’s a “situation” and there isn’t ANYTHING!
The only thing I really do wish, …is that for just a little bit, he could be put into my shoes to see what all I went threw just for him, and how it ended and even though he doesn’t understand how I just have to walk away because he’s put me threw so much, and half the time he doesn’t even know it. So he can’t fix it, he can’t do anything. And I want him, and he HAS to know when there’s something wrong! That’s what it’s all about. But now after I’ve gone thew so much , all this crap for him….. I have to walk away with this feeling of…..being unsatisfied, and no I don’t friecken mean in a sexual way. I mean for everything I put myself threw just to get to a certain point, I’m not at that point and I’m calling it quit’s but honestly….god there’s NOTHING I can do! And I’m going to keep doing this, because now that I know how I feel, it’d be me hurting me, not him anymore. And I’ve had enough crap from this entire situation. It just isn’t worth it anymore.
Mitch, is everything I have ever looked for in a guy. And why it took me so long to figure it, I don’t know. But I really hope I didn’t wait too long, because I love who I am around him, I love that no matter how I’m acting, everything is always the same. He listens to me, we have fun together, he knows me, he’s known me since I was little, and I’ve know him since …forever. My parents love him, he’s bestfriends with Jim. I just really hope I didn’t pass my chance because Friday…it felt so right but I was too hung up on him to even look past what was just ….the moment thing, too see the real good behind everything, and I felt something, I really did, when I was there with him, everything for the first time in weeks wasn’t so….crazy. I finally felt like I was in the right place, doing the right thing, at the right time. I didn’t have any regreats, my mind wasn’t racing about anything. Not about what he was thinking, not about what was going to happen next, not about how she’d feel, not about anything! I was just in the moment! And that’s why I know it’s so …perfect. When I’m with him, I’ve realized I’m always just in the moment. I’m not thinking about anything but right then. And I’m so tiered of always having it the other way, “Were going here, he’s coming over at this time, he’ll probably do this, and I’ll probably do the same thing, or that, we’ll be home then, this will probably end up making me even more disappointed, ect” With Mitch…. it’s nothing like that. Everything just ….fits. He’s one of my bestfriends, and that’s the only way I’d want it, having him as a bestfriend first, and that’s what in my mind makes the best relationships anyway. I love how I already know if we were together, it’d be for a long time, and I wouldn’t have to ever worry about all the stuff I do with him. I know he’d be a good guy, because he’s a wonderful guy. And I would never change a thing about him, and I would never want too either. Everything about him I love, and the more I find out, the better it gets. So today I’m telling him everything, and how it goes, I don’t know because of what I said already, I just hope he can just realize that ….he doesn’t know it as well as he knows this. I really do need him.
Jess…I am so sorry. You know that I would never want you to feel as though that was the reason. I’m so glad we got to talk last night because I for a minute started to think maybe things were changing, but they aren’t. And we both know that, and you know that you mean the world to me, and I would never do anything to hurt you. I’m so glad I have you to turn too. Last night you helped me more than you’ll ever know. Last night, if you hadn’t of been there to talk to, I don’t know what I would of ended up doing.
After my mom picked me up from the football game I just started balling, I don’t think I’ve ever had such a bad night that ended in that way. In the car I just started to tell my mom everything, how I feel like if tomorrow never came….it wouldn’t matter. And I’ve never seen her …like the way she was. She pulled over on the side of 18 mile and just gave me the biggest hug and told me how much she loved me and I just told her everything, and I’m so happy I did, because now she understands why I’ve been so moody lately, and when I got home….I don’t know. But the best part of the night, and this probably doesn’t make any sence to any of you, but was seeing my dad cry. I have never in my entire life seen him cry except when I was 7 , that’s it. He never shows his emotions. He just locks them up, and blows everybody off. But last night he just walked up too me and what I’ve been waiting so long for him to say, “Jess..you make me so proud and so happy knowing that you’re my daughter. I know you don’t think I care, but I do. Just because I don’t always say or show to you that I care as much as you’d like, I do. And I think you know that.” and I just looked at him and…, “Yeah dad. I know sometimes you care, but I need to know that my own father cares all the time, I know you’d care if something serious ever happened to me. But I want to know that you care about the little stuff too, because sometimes I feel like you don’t. And the little stuff matters to me too, if I’m not having a good day, and you know, just don’t walk away, you may like when people just leave you alone when you don’t know what else to do, but I want you to give me a hug and tell me that even thoughy ou don’t know what’s going on, it’ll be ok and that I can talk to you if I need too. *I start to break into tears* I just want to know that you care about me, you’re daughter. I want you to say you’re proud of me when you are, I want you at my games, I want you to support me, not to just think because you’re my father I automatically assume you care, because I do want you as a part of my life, even if I am growing up, you’re still my dad, and I love you so much!” And for the first time in like 7 years I saw tears stream down his face, and I can’t explain how happy I was. It doesn’t make any sence to you, but it makes all the sence in the world to me. And that’s all I need.
So last night ….I don’t know what all came from it quiet yet, but so far, the important stuff has been good, except one thing,a nd I really hope that it is important to someone more than just me, and that after school, ….it gets worked out.


Jess, I love you! Don't ever forget it, becuase with out you I would never be who I am today. And without you, I wouldn't never even be here today. Jess, God made you because without you my life...would have such les smeaning. And I would NEVER do anything to jeapodize our friendship! When I saw Lylas, I mean forever!

It's all coming back to me now.....when you get ther, I'll already of beat you there. then we'll know...eh?
I was deleting some old e-mails I saved to make some room for all the crap I get now, ….and reading this made me cry so hard. I need her so bad, and I feel like she’s totally forgotten about me. After everything, I miss her * so* much!…….

“Hey- Okay I’m not really sure what is going on with you two but I am going to try to tell you what I think about it all. K. First off, I think that you guys need to seriously talk, there seems to be a total ‘lack’ of communication, and you know I’m right. You both tell me things opposite of the other one. And I’m not really sure what to think about it or even what to say. It’s hard to see you guys or know you guys are almost loosing eachother as friends. All through the year I would see you guys laughing and talking and now it just seems like you guys have given up on eachother. I can’t stand to see you guys loose eachother. No matter if it’s a fight or what, I don’t know. But out of all people you guys know how many fights I have gotten into this year, with you 2 and annalise and katie. And no matter how many fights I got into with any of you(or them) we always ended up being okay, and I don’t want to see you two end up, well not like that. I guess you could say. I can not be the person in the middle listening to each of you and knowning that I can’t really do anything to change the things you guys say. I’m not gonna be the person to tell each of you what the other person said, what you guys are telling me, you guys need to tell EACHOTHER. It wuold mean a lot more coming from one of you to the other person then it would coming from me. One of you will say that your fine with the other one but you think the other one isnt fine with you and vise versa, and I really try my hardest to tell you guys to talk but it doesn’t seem like you wanna listen or even do listen to what im sayin. I’m just tryin to help you guys out. I don’t wanna see your friendship go down the drain. I know what it’s like to get in a fight with someone you care about so much, and you don’t end up realizedhow much that person meant to you until there gone, and its true, you never know until there not there anymore. And I think each of you without each ther would be heartbroken, and wouldn’t know what to do. You guys are both so sweet and need each ther. You guys are best friends and deserve to always stay that way, just because it’s summer don’t let that get to either one of you. During school or during the summer you guys will always be best friends and I think that now that it’s summer you guys feel like since you don’t see each other everyday, there’s no reason to talk everyday. But there is, and you guys do need to talk. I try to talk to all of my friends each and everyday that I can, because you never know when there not going to be there anymore. Through this whole year, I have been through so much shit with all my friends, trusting, and all that shit, but at the end of the year I realized I only had a couple friends that I could hoenstly trust, and it’s you two, katie, annalise, and stephanie powers. And I’m sure you each have only so many people you can trust, and both of you can trust eachother and know that one another is always going to be there for you. I figured that telling each of you what I though in a IM thing would be harder so I just wrote it in an email. So I hope you guys talk about everything and I did what I did to try n help out. Talk to you both later. Heart ya both”

…..last year, I told her everything. She was my shoulder all the time. I miss her so much, tonight I just started crying about everything going on. It’s just now how I thought it’d be, and I don’t expect everything to be the way it was, but just something, ….actually I do want things to be the way they were. I mean the normal thing would be to say, “We’ve both gotten over the fact that maybe our friendship wasn’t strong enough” but that’s bullshit. Bestfriends just don’t forget each other, and I know we could still have that friendship. I just don’t think there’s any effort left, and I just miss her sooooooooo much! I just want to walk up and hug her, and cry, and tell her about *everything* but somehow I doubt that will happen, and I really wish it would. Nobody understands. I love all my friends a lot, I mean I’m really close with all the friends I have, their just not people I call my friends and talk to every 2 months, but she was one that really taught me a lot ot things, she always made me have fun, and always cared. I just miss her so much. I don’t know what to do.

I miss him too, I feel like I’m walking in never ending circles of….gosh I don’t even know. Too much time has gone bye for the same issue for it to keep making it’s since I guess eventually over lots of time, things will get better. I hope. All I know is I care too much to completely let him go, to all of those people. He’s too good to turn into them. I just hope he knows that no matter what happens, were still going to meet him at the end.

So I guess it’s good, but it’s not. I’m 14 years old, and I feel like I’m 34 dealing with a life of an adult, and I’m too sick of it.

I care too much, tomorrow things could totally just be….eh. I could die tomorrow, and what I want, wouldn’t matter a bit.

You know, sometimes after always telling my friends how much their loved, and how much I care, and always being there for them, it’d really be nice if just for one day, someone just walked up to me gave me a big friecken hug and said, you know Jess, I lov ya! bah oh-well screw that, that’s dumb.

fajfkajdfjakdfjlakjdflajflkajfdlkjadkfj this is so dumb, I’m need to go some place away from everyone, and sit bye the beach, and get some sun.

When is enough, ever really enough?
Please just be strong enough to get through this.

I can't do this .............

The more you tell me good things the more I cry, the less you say, the happier I am.

jasdkfjalkdfjaksjdflajsdfkjadlfkjalkdfjakdjfakjd

???????????????????????????????????????

Your fault!
I've been too worried about being nice, that I've let you be a complete ass. You're either a really sweet and very confused guy too afraid to hurt someone's feelings, or you're a complete asshole that I'm going to regreat ever being friends with.
Screw you for putting this on me, screw you for not being able to even make up your mind and making me feel horrible.

Today really sucked, and you didn't even say a damn work. Fuck you!

I NEED TO GET AWAY!!!!

Why do I let someone like you, get to someone like me?
Sick, *cough cough*. I can't hear myself when I talk. Sleep all the time, haven't eaten in two days. Ehh...Mono...no.

How can you be like that? You're so fake. Bah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

xxxxx,

I'm not sure if what I'm about to say will even matter or make sence. I don't know if I can explain it to you, let alone even try to explain it too myself. But I'll try cos I think I'll feel relieved from holding it all in for so long and making things worse. So here goes...
You have becomes someone I tryst a lot, someone I care a lot for, someone I really just want to be able to tell everything too. My wildest dreams, my deepest fears, darkest secrets, most of all someone I can count on.
You are by far one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I can't explain how you make me feel. but I know it's something I don't feel too often. But I do know the feeling I get when I'm in your arms is one that I'd like to feel for a long time. I just need to know if what I'm feeling, isn't just what IM feeling. I'm not that kinda person, and I jsut want the truth before I get in under my head....?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taryn, thanx for making my day. You're such a sweetheart, and I love you for still caring after so long. Even a few words help. Thanx

It'll never be the same.
I realized today, things will never be the same. He's hurting her, and he's hurting me. He know's he's not the same, and he cares, but doens't do anything. She crys, I cry, and it doens't matter. Sometimes people are just really good talkers, and that's all they are is all talk. I trust and cared for him, and she loves him, yet...he still doesn't care. Oh-well, really, what else can we do? Nothing...no matter how hard we try, it's a two way
street and only one side's being used.
Today really sucked! I just wanted to be with him, to just walk up, wrap my arms around him, and just cry to him. But I couldn't and then after school when he was leaving....ehhh didn't go over so well. I really hate this I'm sick of waiting, I'm sick of being unhappy, and I told myself yesterday I just woudln't care, but we both know that I do. And that's why I'm being fucked over! oh well, not much I can do. I just really want to be happy again...and I can't.
After School me and Dev hung out poor girl, I love her to peices. We walked over to the park and sat on the swings and totally said everything, and I was basically in tears from this really shitty day I've had. And it's still getting worse, rock on man! Not really...yeah... then we watched Linds and Tare's tennis match and now I'm home waiting.....and waiting...for him as usual. This is bs and I know it, and he knows it, god damn I really need jus to have someone say you know what Jess I love you you're a great friends, yada, but fucking day has been the worse I'm out, wow I can't believe I just said that gawdd!!!!!!! <3 Jess

What do I do?
I don't know what to think...eh...I'm so confused. I just need to know what's going on. I need you to tell me what you're thinking. If this is going anywhere. I can't be accused of not being there for you. How many night have you shown up at my door? I hope you understand this wasn't in my plans. But I can't be your friend anymore. It's killing me to know you, without having a chance to hold you when really allI want to do is be withy ou inside. So you can run to me, you can laugh with me, ...or you can just walk right out that door. I don't want to fight, I don't want to be mad. I just want everything to be the way it's supouse to be. And this isn't it.

I really don't understand.
I'm hanging out w/ Kate. Heh she's a blast I lov her! She did my journal, cute huh? Yup, it is!

I'm really confused. I just don't know what I should be thinking, or what I need to be thinking, or even what I friecken *want* to think. I really need the truth. I hate when people bs me. I am sick of this. I don't want to do it anymore. I can't, and I really won't. After Saturday, that's it. It's either all or nothing at all. Hopefully things will go well. I'm just so confused I don't know what to do. bah

I got everything out to Kate today, it was good. I needed a long talk. So I'm happy. "I need tp for..." Kate-"Click Clikc Click" lol hehe

I can't do this anymore. It's too gay. Wow, I'm soooooooo friecken confused. I need your help.

~<3 Jess