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2011 31 October :: 9.25pm
i only have one person who truly truly understands. i appreciate her and respect her so much for that. especially because she never went through it herself so to understand how i feel is a huge deal. of course shes familiar with the feeling of trying and waiting etc but to actually be told its going to be hard for it happen. that theres a possibility it wont ever happen. thats tough to understand. to that person, you know who you are i hope and just know how much i appreciate it.
i hate so much the feeling where you have something that upsets you so much but you feel like its wrong for you to get sad or be mopey because someone of course has it worse than you do. but then on the other hand i dont want to walk around being miss positive when things aren't positive. i hate going to work every day and pretending like i'm caring about the papers i'm filling out, the patients i talk to, the work i'm doing. i dont care. my mind has been focused on one thing and one thing alone for so many months. i feel so selfish and so self asorbed on one hand and then on the other hand i feel like i have a total right to feel this way.
i have always felt i have one sole purpose on this earth. for that to have become something that might never happen for me is just unthinkable. so upsetting. i hate feeling this way but i can't help it. I can't help thinking that if it doesn't happen for me, i wont ever be complete. i dont even have the option of that "out" that most people have. because the person i'm goign tobe with every day for the rest of my life doesn't see that as an option. and thats not what i wanted anyway but at least i could keep that in the back of my mind as an option if no other way is possible. if it doesn't happen i wont be able to just keep going to work i wont be able to keep participating in life like i might get what i want one day. i wont. this isn't how it was supposed to happen.
i know what i was made for.
God, you know what I was made for too. Why wont you allow it? It scares me so bad. I'm so bitter towards everyone I meet or hear about who has what I don't have. It hurts every time I see how great we would be. It hurts when we act so silly together and then look at each other and say "can you imagine what it will be like when....." to think that there may never be that "when" it hurts so much. I hate the feeling that I can hardly cry about it anymore. Its like its not real. Its like I'm seriously just on a moving sidewalk not actually living my life but just rolling on along... watching everything. Of course I have moments that I enjoy with friends and my loved ones. obviously. but i can never escape the feeling of sadness I have about the thing that clouds my mind 100% of the time. Medicated so i'll feel better on a day to day basis but it just makes things feel unreal. Because I can't feel sadness like I did. Its good but bad all in one.
I dont want to be jealous anymore. I dont want to be bitter anymore. but most of all i dont want to be missing this important thing in my life anymore.
i'm so scared to inject crazy chemicals into my body. all the changes or side effects it can cause. weight gain, nausea , insomnia, loss or damage of an organ. potential death. pain. the stress its going to put on my marriage and friendships. and the insane cost. the cost we can't afford whatsoever. but i can't even say i care because its nothing compared to what i want. it will make the pain so much harder to ignore. i'm so sick of taking medications . i'm so sick of appointments. insurance company calls. a surgery. prayers. what more can i put into this. i really truly don't know. i've tried praying to God every day several times a day, i've tried saying fuck it and screw you God you don't want to give me the thing I've wanted most in my life since I was literally 2 years old. anyone who knows me would know what I want more than anything. You know that when I was 4, when I was 11, when I was 14...what did i love? what did i want? did i want a fancy career? a big degree? money? fuck no. you know what i want.
but to reiterate- thank you again to my friend who understands,listens, is so supportive and always says the right thing.
also thank you to the other people in my life who care as well. please know i appreciate more than i could ever tell you.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2011 31 October :: 7.35pm
who would have thought i would have to do what i'm about to do? its so not fair. if it doesn't work i wont be able to keep this stupid positive attitude anymore.............. but yet i wont be able to stop trying........................super.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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gillette
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2011 19 October :: 2.52pm
Ok, so I've decided to post my essay for the class I'm applying for..right now it's disjointed and it doesn't flow well. I can only have 300 words..which it is right now. I have the part in there about my dad (my adviser told me to def. include that part since I got an E and W's the previous semesters..so that part I can't really delete) Here's the prompt:
"The essay should be reflective of your academic and clinical experiences through observations and what you have learned as it relates to characteristics/skills of a "good" student clinician."
Right now it's a rough draft..very rough..but I wanted to get something down on the page as a starting point. Any feedback at all would be helpful b/c I'm kind of 'stuck.' Thanks!!
--My mantra in life is, "Never give up." I feel a good clinician is someone who is innovative and determined to never give up on finding an answer for their client or any problem they face, if you can't find an answer-figure it out. I apply this outlook to everything I do in life. Over the past year, I have overcome many obstacles that have made me realize how passionate I am about Speech-Language Pathology.
The previous year has proven difficult for me academically. My dad was admitted to the hospital last fall with swelling on his brain and diagnosed with Wernicke's encephalopathy. As his conditioned worsened, I moved home to help care for him. Over time, I realized that although I loved my dad, I couldn't give up on my dream of becoming an SLP. So, I'm back 100% this semester and striving to achieve the excellent academic status I had prior to this year. My major GPA was a 3.9 and my overall GPA was a 3.88. I believe this experience has made me stronger and more determined to accomplish my goals. I also believe it will help me to empathize and relate to families who have a loved one with a communication disorder because I understand how truly devastating it can be.
Through academic experiences such as volunteering as a tutor for CDO 335, ASHA conventions and working with Dr. Sturm at sites for her research project and clinical experiences in 494, I believe I have what it takes to be a good clinician. I don't let barriers stand in my way, I find a different way. I have also worked as a Customer Service Representative for 3 years and I feel these skills will help me to interact with my clients and turn negative situations into positive ones.--
It's due next week so I have a little bit to fix it up :/
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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gillette
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2011 12 October :: 2.40pm
so, I have to apply for this class for my major. it's CDO 495 our clinic class. you have to apply and get accepted to get in. you basically ARE an slp and get assigned 2 clients that you have to do therapy with and everything. if you don't get in, they basically say you won't get into grad school. keeping in mind if i don't get in, i still have a back up plan and will STILL make my way to grad school..i really need to get into this class. my grades for the past year have been SHIT. (including an E, Incomplete and W's). HOWEVER, before that I had a 4.0 and am earning a 4.0 during this semester. I have to write a 300 word essay to turn in.
How can I express in 300 words HOW BADLY I want this and how much I have changed my life in the past year and overcome so many obstacles to do THIS. I was at rock bottom..i as in the hospital for 4 days, my dad was in the hospital, i went through two really rough life altering decisions that crushed me and I overcame these things to complete my schooling. I've completely taken myself off of anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I've lost 20lbs and exercise daily and meditate. I'm so much better than before. I am just upset b/c I KNOW my skills and abilities in academia and in a clinic setting and I'm confident in my skills and my ability to do it and do it well, but that's not going to come across in my transcripts. SO this essay could highly benefit me. I just am so worried that they won't see it. That they'll brush me aside, but I'm hoping not. I know I'll get some priority b/c I'm graduating in May, and they let people that are graduating have first 'dibs' so they can get it in. The essay needs to be about, 'What makes a good clinician"--I need more words so I can tell them what I think makes a good clinician and how I embody that. :/
I don't want to make excuses for my bad grades. Nobody cares about excuses because everyone goes through rough times etc..so, in my essay, I'm thinking writing 1-2 sentences tops expressing the fact that I own up to my poor performance and would just ask to still be considered based on my overall GPA and my experiences outside of class. IDK what I should say about it. I don't know if I should say, "yea I did crappy, but that's not the real me..blah blah etc.." or if I should just leave it out altogether and just let them wonder? Any opinions? I don't know what would be appropriate.
3 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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gillette
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2011 3 October :: 11.12pm
i need to not let other people's success in my field get me down (all my peers are getting into grad school etc).. i just need to let it inspire me to find my own path, my own way there,..maybe it won't be as easy and i'll have to take a detour..but i'll get there, in my own way. i'll forge my own path/adventure.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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gillette
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2011 12 September :: 6.52pm
"Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final"
Rainer Maria Rilke
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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gillette
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2011 9 September :: 12.47am
Sorry for the self pity entry but I need to vent
I feel completely isolated and alone because of my lack of active friendships. I don't have a best friend, nor do I have any friends that I can just call and say, "hey let's hang out." It seems like everyone else has moved on or is far away or busy with their new lives.
I've been doing really well making positive progress lately, but the social isolation I feel is suffocating me. I had one best friend, we had so much in common, I felt so comfortable around her and we did everything together. Well she graduated (we used to have classes together) and she got a new boyfriend (now fiance) who she's completely infatuated with and is also pregnant. And I haven't talked to her in months. I try texting or calling once in a while but I never get a response. I am a fun, friendly person I feel and I NEED social interaction. I need to have friends who I can hang out with, go to things with or just talk to. I'm really depressed about the whole thing, I even joined a stupid "friendship" website, but there's nobody even on there remotely in this area. My mom tells me to 'be brave' and just go to the bar or whatever by myself and "make" friends. That doesn't work so well because everyone is already there with their "groups" and people aren't just accepting of a random stranger trying to join in. I just feel sad b/c I feel like everyone else has friends except me. How did this happen? I know I got depressed and probably stopped communicating with people, but I guess when I moved to CMU I just got a boyfriend and he was my only friend, and I didn't make any new friends. And then we broke up, and I was left with just people I work with, who I am not friends with anymore. And so I rely on Nic, who I should honestly break up with but if I did I would have nobody.
I know maybe it seems silly, but I don't know what to do. I went to a couple groups on campus but I felt like an outsider b/c everyone already knew everybody and I was the "new" person that wasn't established in the group. I just want someone NOW! someone I can call and talk to or whatever. I'm sick of relying on my little sister and mom for female companionship. Not that I don't love them..they're wonderful and are happy to talk to me. But it's not the same. I'm 23, I feel like I should have a circle of girl friends, like my sister does! She has like four "best friends" who always hang out and they always do things together. and if one is busy there are three other people willing to hang out.
I just miss having friends and being a friend. :(
6 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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gillette
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2011 4 September :: 2.54pm
Breakthough in therapy*
*It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.
I now view the world in a different way. This is why I was always depressed from 15 on. I've shifted my world view. Other people do not define me. I define me. Other people's opinion of me (or what I assume they think) doesn't affect me anymore. It's going to be a work in progress, but the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one.
I realize now I have a choice. Other people can not make me feel inferior, angry, frustrated, sad etc..unless I choose to let them. At that moment, I need to stop, choose how to react and let it go, b/c before, it automatically affected me. In that split second, I can make a huge difference in the way I live my life. Realizing I do have a choice.
It seems so simple, and I never realized I was doing it. Until now. Time to move forward..
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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tuwang
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2011 28 August :: 10.59am
today should be interesting.
It's time to get it together.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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tuwang
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2011 28 August :: 10.59am
today should be interesting.
It's time to get it together.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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gillette
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2011 14 August :: 12.52pm
Something I foudn on StumbleUpon (my new fav. website)
Positive Affirmations for Self Esteem
1. I deeply and completely love myself.
2. I believe in myself apart from others' opinions.
3. I feel good about taking care of my own needs.
4. I am comfortable being myself around others.
5. I am a unique and valuable person just as I am.
6. I am becoming more and more confident.
7. I love myself just the way I am.
8. I like the way I handle challenges.
9. I feel good and good is attracted to me.
10. I openly express my needs and feelings.
11. I am my own unique self – special, creative and wonderful.
12. I love and accept myself.
13. I am healthy and happy.
14. I am inherently worthy as a person.
15. I accept and learn from my mistakes.
Positive Affirmations for Daily Living
16. I enjoy the adventure of life.
17. I'm responsible and in control of my life.
18. I'm in control of my attitude toward circumstances.
19. I learn and grow through every challenge.
20. I accept the natural ups and downs of life.
21. The Law of Attraction operates in my life for my highest good.
22. I am calm and relaxed in every situation.
23. I am discovering new meaning in my life.
24. I am improving one step at a time.
25. I am healthy, strong, and capable.
26. I am willing to trust others.
27. I forgive myself and others.
28. I am willing to relax, let go and have fun.
29. Everything is getting better every day.
30. There are beautiful things happening in my life daily.
31. I experience the excitement of growth daily.
32. I am at peace with the Universe.
33. I am safe and always feel protected.
34. I am willing to allow others to help me.
35. I am always in harmony with the Universe.
36. I am filled with the Love of the Universal Divine Truth.
37. All is well in my world.
Positive Affirmations for Health
38. I am healthy in every way.
39. Every cell in my body vibrates with energy and health.
40. I nourish my mind, body and soul.
41. My body heals quickly and easily.
42. I am in control of my health and wellness.
43. I have abundant energy, vitality and well-being.
44. I am healthy in all aspects of my being.
45. I love and care for my body and it cares for me.
46. My body is healthy, energized, and perfect in every way.
47. I am healthy, whole and complete.
48. The vibrant wellness in my body increases every day.
49. I am perfectly healthy in body, mind and spirit.
50. I sleep soundly and peacefully.
51. I am living a long and healthy Life.
52. I have a healthy heart and a strong set of lungs.
53. Healthy living ideas flow to me easily.
Positive Affirmations for Abundance, Wealth, and Prosperity
54. I am attracting the financial resources I need.
55. I am a prosperity magnet.
56. The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful
57. I pay my bills with love as I know abundance flows freely through me.
58. Money flows to me easily and frequently.
59. I am eternally grateful for my abundance.
60. Wealth is pouring into my life.
61. I am getting wealthier each day.
62. I travel whenever and wherever I please.
63. I am successful in whatever I do.
64. I always have more than I need.
65. The universe brings me fulfillment and abundance.
66. Everything I touch is a success.
List of Affirmations for Work
67. I work with people I love, and who love and respect me.
68. Great things just always have a way of coming into my life.
69. I have a wonderfully satisfying job.
70. I love and enjoy my work and I receive the perfect pay.
71. Divine Guidance causes me to do an exceptional job.
72. I am a success magnet at work.
73. I am an expert at what I am doing
74. My work now fulfills and enriches me
75. My work is deeply satisfying.
76. I am a magnet for creative ideas.
77. New opportunities are opening for me.
List of Affirmations for Success
78. I am winning in the race of life.
79. I am successful in whatever I do.
80. My possibilities are endless.
81. I enjoy more and more success because I am the best.
82. My intentions unfold with ease.
83. I am clearly pointed in the direction of my dreams.
84. The resources that I need come to me with ease.
85. I am so grateful to be realizing my intentions.
86. I am a success in all that I do.
87. Everything I touch returns riches to me.
88. I am always productive.
List of Affirmations for Love/Relationships
89. I am surrounded with loving, caring people in my life.
90. I easily attract love into my life.
91. The warmth of love fills my world.
92. I appreciate those who love me.
93. I radiate love and happiness.
94. I am loving and accepting of others.
95. Healthy relationships are a wonderful pattern for me.
96. All my relationships are loving and harmonious.
97. My life is filled with love, fun and friendship.
98. I am loving and lovable, and I find love everywhere.
99. I live in harmony and balance with everyone I know.
100. I love myself and I attract loving people into my life.
101. I am attracting emotionally available partners to my loving and giving spirit.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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tuwang
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2011 1 August :: 1.57pm
so I finally put up the deuces, and for good reason too.
The idea that I was being played was apparent, but I didn't mind as long as it wasn't staring me in the face. Last Tuesday it spit in my face and I was left with no choice. Really I should have drawn this conclusion in the beginning. too bad because that ass is seriously tax deductible. I mean that in the nicest sense.
what was nice as well was the back up that I got from everyone.
But worry not, you think I don't have a back up plan? pfff... I don't really. But you know me, perpetually on the prowl.
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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gillette
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2011 17 July :: 12.53pm
Rock Bottom
so i have this one friend, his name is chey. he's the only person i hang out with as a friend. he goes out of his way to be their for me and shows up on my doorstep if he thinks i need company. he gives me rides when my car breaks down and calls me to invite me and include me with his friends. he brings me smoothies to work for no reason. he makes me laugh.
well today was his last day at work and he's moving to florida in like a week.
why is it that the one true friend i have up here bails and leaves to a different state.
i feel so so so sad that he's leaving :( i guess i'm on my own again.
5 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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