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2007 13 January :: 11.53pm
is something wrong with me? i dont even know. i dont know what it is . everyone is imperfect but what is it? do i make people run away? do i deter people from being near me. what is it. do i give off this poison or something. i'm not that bad. i'm certainly not as negative as i used to be. i now i am reclusive and kind of a loner but i'm not that bad.
i dont get it.
i'm missing this SOMETHING. i'm missing something. every time i walk there my eyes fill up with tears. my heart is telling me that that is what i am missing but i can't take the first step and i fear i never will be able to. it was that thing that pushed me away about 2 years ago and i still dont understand. if that is what i am missing and i was trying then why was i pushed away. why do i feel like i dont belong there if it is the thing i need the most. sometimes i feel like i have hit it and i'm finally there but then a week passes and the feeling is gone. sometimes i feel liek its not real. sometimes i feel like feeling that is wrong. what is faith?
i dont want to be preached to but i dont want to be told i'm wrong. and at the same time i want advice.
i'll never understand it. i know i am missing the joy of playing music. i know that that is something i miss dearly but what else is it.
i am stuck in a rut and at the same time never been happier. how does that happen? i just dont want to miss anything. why can't i just be that kind of person. almost a freeloader.
why do i feel that precious time is being wasted. with every day. with every hour. i know it is. god i know it is. what am i missing and how can i get it. i just want to be told. i just want someone to have all the answers. im so scared when you ask me that but i dont know if i'm scared because i dont think i'd be okay or if i'm scared because i'm just confused. probably both . but i dont feel wrong in what i believe. the world is too skewed for it to be straight black and white by the book. the people that live that way are being nonsensical. i'm not trying to adjust it so that i can get away with everything , it's just i am trying to make sense out of something that makes none.
why do you just roll over and go to sleep when i need you the most. what i need out of you, i have no idea. i just know that i need you.
please young ones- do not get caught up. dont do it. love and be loved but just ........................
why do i do the things i do. i can't even do things anymore without thinking about how i am not supposed to be doing them.
i didn't used to feel that. and that is why i know what i'm missing.
i know what im missing but i'm so afraid of it that i dont think i will ever get it. someone please please please help me. plesae help me please. please. i dont want to be like this anymore. i want to be happy like you. i dont want to be scared anymore.
and even saying all that i know i wont put forth any effort and i will be living like this tomorrow and the next day and the next. goodbye
i was going to drink tonight but then i thought i shouldn't since you were coming and all. Now i wish i had for an hour straight. i should have..............ugh
2 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 13 January :: 11.51pm
why is it that things are the way they are?
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 13 January :: 10.00pm
:: Mood: contemplative
I was just affirmed in my nerdishness of English Literature. I just watched Bridget Jones's Diary for the first time with Liz, and couldn't help but pick out all the similarities between it and Pride and Predjudice. I'm sure upon more viewings, I could recognize even more similarities. To start, the love interest was named Darcy, there was a phase that started the exact same way as the first line of the novel ("It is a truth universally acknowledged..."), and the relationship between the two love interests was very similar (save modern 'amping up') to that of Wickham and Mr. Darcy. It was all quite interesting.
Waiting for my hair to dry, it's taking an awfully long time.
Happy Saturday, Everyone.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 13 January :: 2.56pm
i dont have any food in my house.
right now there is:
cheese slices
milk
stale animal crackers
stale cereal
peanut butter crackers
a frozen dinner that i will never eat
canned veggies
some macaroni
jello mix
candy canes
.....i think i'm gonna see how long i can go until i buy groceries. or at least see how long we can go before roman breaks down and says lets go grocery shopping.
i'm hungry though.... i'm really hungry!!!
3 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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tuwang
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2007 12 January :: 11.25am
Eh.. I freaked out... who doesn't.
So I'm reading Rolling Stone on the crapper... usually a dissapointment. However, today was different. They had a little article in there about emo music. It was titled. "Who Hates Emo Music More?"
It was blocked off into different quotes by a bunch of shitty bands like Hinder and Disturbed, as well as other bands that aren't really shitty necessarily but I'm not exactly huge fans of them like Tool and The Killers. I thought it was ironic that Brandon Flowers hates emo, I don't think I really need to say why, I mean, the kid's practically emo himself. I guess he's really in that more artistic with no real artistic skills group. Sam's Town was not as good as their first album, by a long shot. ANyway.. Mayndard said probably the funniest thing. I quote:
" This shitty emo music is created by frat boys for frat boys that slip roofies to their dates. Ooooh, look at me, I'm sensitive, I feel. Here, have a Roofie Collada."
It was also noted that My Chemical Romance was tormented in england. This is a band that has a couple moderatly catchy songs, but is REEEAAALLLYYY Bad live. Have you ever heard the guys voice? He can't sing at all! The english crowd threw all kinds of shit at him, and when he tried to wave UK flag they booed. It's funny that he's never waved an american flag to my knowledge before. THey also apparently said things from like "Fuck your black parade, you cock sucking nunce." Classic english... anyone wanna go there?
And this isn't even the best part. When Panic! at the disco, who were clever enough to divide their name into two unintelligable fragments as opposed to one cohesive statement, played the same crowd, someone threw a beer bottle at the lead singers head and knocked him the fuck out. How fucking awesome is that?
2 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 12 January :: 12.03am
:: Mood: drunk
The world is spinning around me,
Or is it just my head,
Listening to foreign melodies,
Strangers in my bed.
So sad, so sorry,
You feel so bad for you,
I can't think about it all,
How deep is it through?
Approving all your friends,
Laughing loudly all,
Are we going to be caught,
I'm not responsible for the fall.
Making spontaneous shreeks,
Far into the midnight,
The train goes by,
We turn out the light.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 11 January :: 10.35pm
ahhhhh it was so stupid of me to take an accelerated online class. i have not started any homework. i have something due tomorrow and something due monday. in fact, i think i'm supposed to have a topic picked for my research paper and a short essay thing saying what it's going to be due by like next wk or something. ugh how dumb!! and you're supposed to participate by replying to other people's comments but their comments are too advanced for me... i dont even know what to say... like what iam i supposed to say "hey, nice answer to the question Mary....good job!" ...no you're supposed engage and advance discussion ... i dont even know anything about this crap. well maybe i should start by reading the book.
ugh i suck i have no motivation and no self discipline so needless to say this was a stupid idea to take a class where i just like get to pick when i want to do stuff and push myself to do it. yeah.
i'm an idiot.
i'mgonna lose my scholarship i just know it.
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 11 January :: 10.06pm
What the fuck?
Proper questions, indeed.
The blue sky represents her newfound freedom, whereas the clouds that are covering it up are her grief.
Anyone?
2 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 10 January :: 3.49pm
Second real day of classes. Literary analysis isn't so scary after all. I realized that I just have one of those profs that talks about whatever he wants, and there really isn't any logical succession of his thoughts. For a while I thought I was going crazy, but, in light of another class, it's just him.
My political science class is great. It's a huge lecture class, but the prof is great. For over an hour we had a debate about the what rights the Constitution gives to which branch of government pertaining to the Bush Administration's (and for that matter, many other administration's) invasion of foreign countries without an order or Declaration of War from Congress.
In a class of over one hundred and fifty, it gets quite roudy when you start talking about Iraq and namely Bush.
One girl asked, "Why are you guys being so mean to Bush? All I hear is people bashing him, why can't you say anything good about him?"
Then she admitted that didn't even know that there were never really weapons of mass destruction, and that she didn't know Sadaam had nothing to do with nine eleven.
It was all quite fun. I could have swam in the ignorance that was in that room.
Thankfully, there were a few who spoke out and had valid points. It was an hour well spent.
Presidential Address tonight, don't miss it.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 9 January :: 6.40pm
I finally got my internet working, or shall I say, RUEBEN got my internet working.
Second semester of college is going...well so far. This semester is going to be a little bit harder than last, but I think I can deal with that.
And, the new roommates are better by far. No that the others weren't fun...they just had too much "fun" for me.
Updates are sure to come often. Beware.
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 9 January :: 2.12pm
okay so i got a job at Beaners coffee hooray. who wants a carmel marvel?!?!?!
5 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 2 January :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: cheerful
I'm chemically relaxing my hair right now to make it just a little bit more straight. It burns a little. I'm use to it though, I've been doing it for four years.
Anyway, I worked my usual eight hours today. People really are getting more unintelligent and annoying everyday. I'm too fed up with them to give any examples anymore.
Perhaps some mau playing tonight, but not positive. All I know is that my hair is going to have a certain odor, and I'm ready for some fun.
It's going to be some night.
5 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 1 January :: 2.21pm
so yeah i'm really sick and didn't even get to have any fun last night because i was lying on the couch in absolute pain and had to have roman get me medicine and yeah i had a fever and ahhh it just sucked!! i feel a little better right now finally but once the drugs wear off i'll probably feel crappy again. man!
4 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2006 31 December :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: blah
Just hours after my last entry, I was no longer enjoying my fresh cut pineapple. It seems it decided to make war on my anatomy. It was quite difficult for me because I have an intense fear of throwing up. It was like Michelle fear-factor all day yesterday.
I feel a lot better today, but solid foods are still a don't. I didn't go to work yesterday, but I'm well enough for my five hour shift tonight.
I'm ready for a new year.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2006 30 December :: 12.30am
:: Mood: calm
Random
I worked until eleven thirty tonight, and then I came home and enjoyed my fresh-cut pineapple while I perused the Post. It was most enjoyable.
I spent last night with Jessie, Rueben, and Zack. We sat around for a while, and then decided we had to go do something. So, we went to Arby's and played mau.
I got called into work yesterday. I only stayed for three hours so that I won't get overtime this week. It's a good thing I don't have a life. Work has been my life for the past two weeks. I leave again on the seventh.
"So I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray, to be only your's I pray, to be only yours I know now, you're my only hope."
I'm busy collecting quotations on the internet to make some notebooks. I'm excited, but I forgot to buy packing tape to finish them.
"You're the only one who, drives me kicking and screaming through fast dreams, and you're the only one who knows exactly what i mean...i hope you can forgive me for that time when i put my hand between your legs and said it was small, cause it's really not at all."
I've decided that my favorite punctuation is a bracket [not quite a parenthesis, but still subtle and giving a little extra].
"New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, chinese food makes me sick and I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer...you come from Georgia where the peaches grow, drink lemonade and speak real slow."
"Here in this diary I write you visions of my summer, it was the best I ever had, there were choruses and sing a longs, all the nights we stayed up talking...and quoting lines from all those movies that we loved, it still brings a smile to my face. I guess when it come down to it, being grown up isn't as fun as growing up."
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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