<marquee><b>I close my eyes and you're all I can see</b></marquee>

3 comment..choose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2011 8 May :: 2.09am

to you... you know who you are (chris)

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2011 6 May :: 3.30pm

c'mon homie, we major!

1 comment | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2011 4 May :: 2.21pm

I need advice. I don't know what to do.

...

I can't even explain it, it's too long and it makes me too disappointed in myself.

The only thing in life that made me feel good about myself and accomplished and hopeful for the future was speech pathology, and i've slowly just majorly fucked it all up.

i'm so lost, i wish i could turn back time and do things differently but i know it can't. and i'm too ashamed to admit all the wrong/bad i've done in school and with potential letters of rec. from professors that are on the admissions board. i'm an idiot and i feel like i've lost all that i worked for.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2011 26 April :: 7.42pm
:: Mood: calm

My life is set for approximately the next two years. Hopefully, with little to no deviation. I'm almost done with my first semester of graduate school. I just have about 14 pages to complete before the end of the semester next week.

I'm slated to graduate with my Master of Arts in English Language and Literature in May 2013. I've been offered (and I accepted) a position to teach two sections of English 101: Freshman Composition as a Graduate Assistant. I even got hired by the University and all. I get a small (small) stipend, and a tuition waver for up to 20 credits per year.

I really want to teach when I graduate. I know that I will probably teach composition (hopefully at a community college) for a few years, and then I'll think about a PhD program. I'll see when I get there. I'll also be able to get a job as a grant writer for an organization, as I will be trained in that by the time I graduate.

Things are going. Things are happening. Good things.

2 comment..choose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2011 6 April :: 3.25pm

It's nice out... but it's still cold in this house. WTF.

I hate old people.

I want a "real" job.

1 comment | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2011 28 March :: 8.21pm

So...update.

Graduate school is easy. I started in January. So much less crap than undergrad ever was. With that being said, it's getting to the crunch time of the semester that I haven't quite prepared for because I've been busy doing stuff such as:

1. Working at the Writing Center 15 hours/week
2. Organizing a huge fundraiser for the Theodore Roethke House in Saginaw
3. Presenting at the Eastern Central Writing Centers Association Conference
4. Presenting at the Michigan Women's Studies Association Conference
5. Founding and hosting meetings of Anarchists without Adjectives
6. Applying for Teach for America
7. Applying for a graduate assistantship position to teach English 101 next year
8. Sleeping
9. Planning
10. Blogging

Between now and April 9th, I have a presentation and a 15-20 page paper to write for one class. Between now and May 1, I have a 12 page paper, a presentation, and several smaller assignments to complete. Oh, and probably about 2,000 pages of reading. Eh.

The library is my home skillet.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2011 15 February :: 7.10pm

Why? Because I want to better myself

What has gone well? Hmmm, hard question, I guess my attitude towards getting better, I've decided I want change.

What has not gone well? The past couple of years (parts of them anyway)

How do (did) I feel? I feel in between right now. Not great, but not bad, I'd like to strive for great. I want to feel happy.

What do I fear? I'm afraid of being unhappy someday. I'm afraid of not getting into grad school so I can accomplish my goal of becoming an SLP.

What motivates me? I'm motivated by my family and by my drive to give myself and my family a good life someday.

What are my goals? To graduate with my bachelors, then masters, and marry someone who is loving and fun and who makes me happy. I want to be an SLP and help others, that will make my life worth living for.

What do I want for my life? I want to inspire and help others, but I also want to be happy for myself and with my life. I want to sit down on the couch and feel that I've accomplished my goals and feel happy about my choices in life.

What do I value? I value my family. I value my heart. I value people who listen. I value kind strangers. I value my friends who are there for me. I value my right to choose in more ways than one. I value people who are positive.

What am I really good at? I'm good at listening and caring for others when they're down. I feel like I've a very empathetic person and always want to fix others problems.

What is challenging for me? Right now, a lot. It's challenging for me to go to class, it's challenging for me to get out of the apartment and do things I need to do. It's challenging for me to eat right/exercise.

How do other people see me? It depends. Some people may see me as a kind, funny hard working person. Others may see me as a worn out, angry person who has given up. The first one is really me.

What do I enjoy? I enjoy the sunshine. I love the beach and the fresh air and the sand. I love driving with the windows down and smelling the country! I enjoy being with my family and dogs and laughing a lot. I enjoy tanning, relaxing with candles lit and smiling. I enjoy going for walks near the water and being around nice people.

Where am I dissatisfied in my life? I'm dissatisfied with my lack of motivation. I need to figure out how to change that. It angers me when I skip class b/c I have no motivation to get off the couch and go. I guess I just need to remember that I feel better about myself when I do go.

Where do I get energy from? Usually coffee or an energy drink, but I should work to change that to something more natural like exercise etc..

What takes energy away from me? Being depressed, it takes everything away from me, my energy included.

How do I most want to contribute to others? In a couple of years, I want to give people their voice. Their voice to communicate with others which is so important in this world.

What do I love to do? Good question, ... I love to laugh. I love playing with my dogs. I love accomplishing little things throughout the day.

When do I feel alive? I feel most alive when I've helped someone and I can walk away knowing their life is better because of something I could do for them, small or big.

When do I feel the most "natural"? After I get out of the shower and have washed off all the makeup and my hair is curly and wet and it's just me. Nothing to hide behind at that point.

To be continued..
What do I hesitate to admit about myself?
Where am I meeting resistance right now?
What do I most want to create?
If I was brave, what would I do?
What are my dreams?
What are my best gifts?
What have I always wanted to try?

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2011 4 February :: 11.30pm

I feel lost like theres no real fit for me completely. My whole plan I've had my entire life may never pan out and so I'm just living day by day wondering if my life plan will ever come true.

I was so sure my whole life that I never once questioned it. Now who knows.

I also feel taken advantage of and under appreciated.

And maybe related, maybe not, I've been so paranoid lately it's unbearable. Especially when driving,i feel like I'm going to get in an accident at least once a minute. If someones following too close or hits the brakes too suddenly my whole body tenses up. Car wrecks play in my head the whole drive and I pull on my seat belt to tighten it throughout the drive. At night i feel like someone is in my back seat, which I've always checked for but usually just once, at the beginning of the drive, not 4 times throughout, turning on the light to check and even feeling like I feel someone breathing on my neck from the back seat.
I'm having a harder and harder time getting up during the night to pee or let the dogs out without being power petrified that my nightmare about the man behind my shower curtain trying to kill me isn't real. I can't open the curtain to check bc I'm so sure hes there.
These new developments on top of the always present anxiety and stomach upset every morning before work thats been going on for 8 months makes my life a lotta fun right now.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

2 comment..choose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2011 14 January :: 4.34pm

this weekend will be the 6th weekend in a row Ive gone out all night and come home on the first train in the morning. Im not entirely sure how I feel about that.

I had a dream last night that I went to a bar with my friend Benedict. I paid 2000 yen at the door, got my wristband and two tickets, and entered. When I got in, a fat lady with a poorly shaped bob haircut and thick horn-rimmed glasses stops me and asks me for proof that I had paid. I show her my wristband but she says, `that proves nothing`. I pull out one of the two tickets I had and I get the same response, followed by the other only to yet again hear how useless it is. She starts chuckling and I say, `what do I have to do to prove to you that I paid?`. She grins and replies `Tim should have given you what you need.`
`Then Ill go find time`
`Tim wont give it to you now, Im sure`
She is laughing hysterically and Im getting incredibly frustrated at this point. I start cursing in Japanese, to which she responds with laughter.
`Its no use really` she says and continues laughing, her belly jiggling rythmycally.

Its then that I pull out a Colt .357, cock it, aim at her face, and pull the trigger. I hear nothing but see a flash of white, at which point I wake up in a cold sweat.

what does this mean?

For a reality update, Im still alive. Thats nice yeah?

2 comment..choose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2011 6 January :: 9.12am

back then they didnt want me, now Im hot they all up on me.

I wish it were easier to make apostrophes on this keyboard.

Bitches need to learn to take a joke, especially when the implied meaning isnt inately evil by any means.

my three thoughts for today.

Akemashite Omedetougozaimasu.

1 comment | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2010 15 December :: 6.34pm

I got my grades:

C-
C+
B
I=incomplete

I'm like bawling right now

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2010 11 December :: 10.56pm

I graduated from college today.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2010 5 December :: 8.49am

I turned 23 years old yesterday. It's hard to imagine that I've had this journal for about a decade. Almost more than half of my life.

I didn't really do anything 'special' for my birthday. It's the weekend before finals and I'm entrenched in some tough paper and exam writing--but I know that I'll get through it. I just keep chugging along and crossing things off my list and eventually it will be Saturday.

Oh yeah. I graduate from college on Saturday. I'm going to walk across the stage and everything. I'm graduating Magna Cum Laude (I think, whatever the second best one is). I get to wear a big metal, but not as big as the highest honors people get to wear.

Last week was a week of lasts: last undergraduate classes, last Kappa Kappa Psi meeting as an active Brother, my last band concert at CMU, last week of being 22 years old. I thought I was going to be a mess, but I'm actually quite zen about it. I will miss it, but I have the feeling it's just time for me to go--to move on, to do other things.

I will be a graduate student in January and I think being a graduate student is going to be easier than the last few years of undergraduate work. I'm only taking 6 credits, and they are both literature seminars. I'm waiting to take more until I get full funding at a graduate assistant. That is, if I'm still at CMU.

I'm almost done with my application for the joint PhD program (English and Women's Studies) at the University of Michigan. I'm scared to move away, scared that this could be a real possibility, but at the same time, it feels so good that I've come this far. They only accept 3 people per year, and that would mean that I would beat out out over 100 other applicants, most probably with Masters degrees already. We'll have to see. It would mean that Rueben and I would be apart for a semester, so that would be tough, but fuck, it's a PhD program with complete funding.

Exciting, exciting things happening. I can't wait until Christmas break when I can sit around in my owl pajamas and eat bon bons (well, okay, popcorn).

1 comment | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2010 22 November :: 5.09pm

this is the point in time where I usually pack it in and say fuck it.

but fuck that.... not this time bitches.

the question is is it really worth the effort its going to take? and on top of that, the amount of emotional energy its going to consume?

I really dont understand the situation at all, but clearly somethings going to have to give.

its so easy to give up when its two ways, but its so difficult to capitulate when its one sided.... why is that? I dont really have anything to prove, and theoretically speaking, Im sitting pretty otherwise. Its like Im 18 again... I dont like me at 18...