:: 2018 26 July :: 9.50 pm

walking home from my sweeties house I stopped on a bench in my favorite park. the full moon bathing the warm air with reflected sunlight. I hear a faint tinkling behind me. I turn and see what appears to be a small dark figure approaching at a rapid gait. I calmly await it's arrival when up onto the stone next to me appears a black cat.

I immediately begin petting his soft fur. he's purring and hugging me, come around to both sides to make sure he has exhausted all the pets. then we sat in quiet contemplation together.

we then parted ways. thanks my special friend. I appreciate the check in <3

are you reaching out

:: 2018 25 July :: 9.28 pm

heavy sigh

I don't think I will ever be happy with what I have

and I will never feel good enough

are you reaching out

:: 2018 21 July :: 7.32 pm

at his show bill burr said that he wasted so much time in his 20s & 30s worrying and being depressed about things that ultimately didn't matter. at the end of your life, everything either happened or it didn't.

and it doesn't really matter. so why worry?

why do I waste my time worrying about everyone else and everything people expect of me. I honestly don't even know what I expect of myself. I don't know what I want it of life, I guess I have goals, but if something changes and I have to change those goals it's not the end of the world.

I am like a river, full of endless cold rushing depths. I try to keep flowing forward, but sometimes a rock will look familiar, a tree will remind me of you, I get stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it.

I still can't get over the absurdity of conciousness and the human race. of even "being". to be and to contemplate my existence. to feel like a rider in a mechanical fleshy gollum. going through the motions, being an observer in those quiet moments no one ever knows.

I'm still lonely. a permanent companion.

are you reaching out

:: 2018 21 July :: 7.27 pm

you don't need a friend

boy, you're a man

are you reaching out

:: 2018 19 July :: 10.23 pm

I frustrated myself to no end

I just can't find words

but I so desperately want to connect

I don't know what to say or how to say it and I feel like I'm drifting away

are you reaching out