:: 2021 6 December :: 4.47 am

it's funny how fast this disintegrated. it's funny how I'm always the one left holding the rope.

it's funny that I always go after addicted narcissists.

it's funny how no one can really love me.

are you reaching out

:: 2021 3 December :: 8.12 am

how could lil amelia ever know this is how big amelia would be?

are you reaching out

:: 2021 3 December :: 6.27 am

life is an empty picture frame. no memories worth keeping, no memories worth making.

nothing matters. life is absurd. I just want to set myself on fire and watch as I turn to ash.

what is the point to all of this? my purpose in life is to push pencils and make money for soulless corporations. there is nothing bigger. the struggle against the machine is futile.

it all doesn't fucking matter.

so why am I so paralyzed

are you reaching out

:: 2021 29 November :: 4.44 am

a rusty old ghost, in a broken down machine

are you reaching out

:: 2021 29 November :: 4.04 am

been up since 3am, slept like shit. getting as high as I possibly can so I can stop crying.

I just need someone to talk to, but no one is around. don't have my car and stuck with these fucking mongrels.

I'm tires of feeling unimportant I'm tired of sleeping alone even though I'm with you.

I'm yet again just a bank account, a cold unfeeling ATM that needs some tender love and care.

I should have done more to keep Corry alive. if he hadn't died, this spiral would have started so early.. maybe we could have weathered the storms a little better if you were still here. I got you to the hospital and then I fucking abandoned you like a fucking yellowbelly rat.

I'm so so sorry. and I'll never get to tell you that. and you wint know. you won't know...

I feel so lost. 12 years of my life wasted with narcissistic alcoholics. I definitely have a type. and I'm really over it. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life then risk another mistake.

I'm such a half assed fuck up. thanks mom n dad for always loving me, no matter what stupid fucking mistakes I've made. I don't deserve you

are you reaching out