I think I'm going mad. Part vitamin deficiency (no sunlight = bad for business), part brain damage (one too many psychedelic journeys, perhaps?), and chronic depression (environment and heredity).

My step-son is staying with his grandparent's because I don't make enough money to live in a suitable environment, and once he's old enough to know better, he'll probably despise me on general principle. I believe his mother will follow suit once enough time has passed.

I need a new job, because the one I have is soul-deadening, but I haven't acquired enough experience to move on to greener pastures yet. My patience is wearing thin, but what can't helped must be endured. One day I'll have a gig that I can tolerate based upon the adequacy of income, because a dream job is exactly that...a dream, which is an ephemeral aspiration held by immature delusional sorts. I am one of these sorts, but for how much longer, one cannot say.

All in all, everything should be fine, but for reasons that escape me, things seem bleak. Objective thinking says "Things are peachy; negative thinking is habitual and doesn't accurately represent reality." However, perspective at present says "You're doomed. You are failing at your duties as father and husband, and your foibles have cost them the future they deserve." Then it proceeds to chew me out in a briskly paced Japanese rant.

Then there are the other lingering anxieties and troublesome thoughts.

I need to improve.

are you reaching out