uhhh
Ant
in a word,
the whole universe would collapse
in a motion from my hand
let me release my anguish through a handful of dust
let me sprinkle it through my soul
leave the world
I said I wanna
leave the world
just let me vanquish this grief
it's got to be done away with
my angst has tormented my mind for too long

then again
maybe I overreacted
maybe I'm an ant in the universe
if I'm so little
is it better to be nothing
than have the world on your shoulders?

couldn't I leave this country?
what borders did I let this garden put upon my soul?
again
why can't I leave?
maybe a sailboat through the canal would be fun
it's the anxiety
but it's not from my heart
she's causing this anxiety
“Who is she?” Mama always says.
“Mama can't you see
she's right next to me” and I'm lamenting
all the same.
I hear it again,
“Who is she?”
This time from the skies.
God, was that you?
So what if I'm hallucinatory
we're all just ideas
we're all just figments of His imagination
we're all just ideas…
Mama, can't you see her?
-Jesse Mencow

--i need to write again, i was doing so much better when i wrote. i cany believe i did it again, stupid me. stupid stupid me.


slice after slice.
i need to bleed i tell myself
cut deeper
faster & harder
show no emotion as it opens
cut my skin apart
make sure it leaves a mark
open hearts are the same as open wounds
my scars they will forever be
i once again opened my heart too soon
and now im left cutting
more open wounds.

watch it drip
i did it again. i don't know why. No, I do know why I do this to myself. and this quote explains it all:

"All Ive been thinking about lately is how much I want to take back our first kiss. How much I would pay to just let you climb through that window. I mean, who knows what would have happened, I mean maybe wed still be best friends, maybe youd still have a thing for me. I just know that I wouldnt be hurting like this. Then I think about everything that kiss brought into my life. What it was like to look at you & know not just what you were thinking but what you were feeling because I was feeling the same thing. & then its all worth it. Its worth all the pain that Im going through. I want to regret kissing you, but I cant. It was the smartest decision I ever made. "

the playful days began when I was in 6th gradem but true love, it all began that Wednesday night in March 2003<3 and it ended with a heartbreak, i'm so sorry I hurt you, i'd do anything in the world, if it would bring you back to me, I love you more than anyone and anything and I forever will. Until the day I die- you'll always be the one I love, my first, my last, my only love.

pictures update:

here are all the possible sites:

http://community.webshots.com/user/goldie1807
(oldest...Freshman year, Frosh Volleyball, JV Lax, John Mayer/Guster,0319 Reunion, NHS Freshman Semi Formal, USY Randoms)

http://community.webshots.com/user/goldie18072
(YRUSH -summer 2004)

http://community.webshots.com/user/goldie18073
(Randall's Sweet 16, Haifa/Prozdor Exchange Feb 05')

http://community.webshots.com/user/goldie180703
(Dor L' Dor Israel Summer 05' --first 240pics)

http://community.webshots.com/user/goldie180704
(Dor L' Dor Israel Summer 05'-- second 240pics)

http://community.webshots.com/user/goldie180705
(Dor L' Dor Israel Summer 05'--last 90, back at camp 05', Maine with the Family end of summer, Alyssa & Samantha's, camera whoring, 9/30/05 with Marla)

http://community.webshots.com/user/Goldie180706
(NERUSY 05'... leadership (10/28-10/30)


ENJOY!!!