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2005 13 December :: 9.58 pm
:: Mood: calm
I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.
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2005 13 December :: 7.17 pm
:: Mood: angry
Okay, so we found out the kids that took all the shit out of our church were Ed Madey and Brian Wilgus. I never had much respect for them anyway, so it's no suprise they'd do something like that. After cussing out Ed and telling him what a horrible name he's making for his family, I'm satisfied... mostly. I just wish the assholes really knew what they did and how stupid it was, especially at this time of year. Whatever.
Faggots.
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2005 13 December :: 4.24 pm
:: Mood: curious
My brother is on the phone with some chick he met online.
o_0
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2005 13 December :: 3.39 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday - [Tell all your Friends]
Thank the good lord I got paid today. 100 whammies.
Just so I can go out and spend it on ... not myself.
Two little fuckers broke into our church and stole all the Christmas presents for the little kids, wrote "The Devil Is Coming" on the KID'S chalkboard, trashed everything, and left all the doors and windows open. The stupid fuckers have absolutely no balls. Nice to know they were so intelligent as to leave one of their sweatshirts behind... they're arrested. I just want to know who it is. It was a 15 and a 17 year old, but no one is giving out names. Oh well.... I'll find out eventually. To think, I used to go to school with these fuckers? How lame.
I haven't worked any horses in like 2 weeks. It's awful. The weather is so cold... What the hell is this 23 degrees for a high bullshit? Um, I don't know. It is quite un-cool.
I have the day off tomorrow.
....Yesssssss.
God, it was so nice to hear Kirk's voice. ....uhh.... and his laugh. His darling fucking laugh that I missed so much. That was the first thing I ever noticed about him. hahaha. ahhh, Kirkus. You get me almost every time. Slightly intoxicated and a bit cut up.
Cuppy.
I'll see you all this evening. Have a SPLENDID one!
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2005 12 December :: 3.36 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Fall Out Boy - [Take This to Your Grave]
The one for giving up on me. And one just cause they'll kill you sooner than my expectations. To my favorite liar, to my favorite scar; I could have died with you. I hope you choke on those words, that kiss, that bottle- confess. Now ask yourself, yeah, out on the insides. I said I loved you but I lied. Lets play this game called "When you catch fire." I wouldn't piss to put you out. Stop burning bridges and drive off of them so I can forget about you. So bury me in memory. Wrap it tight around your throat. On the drive home, joke about the chick you used to see, and her jealousy. Breaking hearts has never looked so cool, as when you wrapped your car around a tree, her makeup looks so great next to your teeth.
Bury me in memory.
Tonight is all about I miss you, and I can't forget your smile and your cynicism, somehow you were always the first one to listen to everything I said. My smile's an open wound without you, and my hands are tied to pages inked to bring you back.
Tonight I'm writing you a million miles away.
<3
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2005 11 December :: 11.17 am
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday - "A Decade Under The Influence"
December.
Wow. I can't believe it's December of 2005 already. It feels like a month and a half ago we were at 4H Camp running through the party almost ass naked covered in soap suds. ...That was 6 months ago.
I have a lot of things to look forward to in 2006. Especially show season. On top of that, I'm going to try to get to Taste of Chaos, Bamboozle again, and the Warped tour. Uhm. It's been approximately 8 months since I've laid on top of thousands of hands and heads. What a fucking wonderful feeling that is, crowd surfing. For a split second you feel God-like... and even though you're doused with sweat that 50% of it isn't even yours... and your makeup is smeared... and you're probably at your least attractive point... it feels so great. And you forget that your body is burning up, your head is throbbing from the bass, and you're completely limp and weak, because they take care of you while you're up there. I fucking love it. Not to mention as soon as you get to the front, all you have to do is reach out and touch whoever's playing... and they look at you with the most sincerety and their eyes just say "Thank you."
Love it.
I clipped a "C" on Cowboy's butt the other day. He was a little depressed, but he'll get over it. Here comes a sneeze. TEEEEOO. Wootaka.
Uhm.
So the main reason why I'm back here is because I feel like ever since I stopped writing in my journal, people have just kinda... left. and stopped talking to me because they can't keep track of my insane-ness. I think 4 months away from this thing has done me some good.
Maybe not.
Uh.
Gotta go.
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2005 24 July :: 11.11 am
:: Mood: content
It was a Laura weekend.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
So I spent this entire weekend plus two at Laura's casa. Here's the getdown:
Thursday:
Got to Laura's house and said hey to Chris and layed on her comfy bed while talking to Pissy Missy. Had some kickass icecream and went to sleep.
Friday:
Woke up nice and early and had bagels and went to Camelbeach... I went on some toiletbowl ride and then the wavepool... I saw this incredibly adorable kid and all I wanted was to talk to him but I couldn't figure out how to do it cause we were in a wavepool and it was weird. He kept looking at me and smiling then looking away, then when I wanted to see if he was looking at me, I'd look over and he was and he and I both smiled and looked away... AHH! It sucked so bad. I never got to talk to him.
Saturday:
Kinda chilled out and I think people came over, I don't rememeber... it might have been Friday night. WAIT A TICK. It was. Okay scratch that. So we just chilled and played pool then went to the rodeo... which was awesome... We were the best cheerers there and there were some damn hott cowboys checkin' us out and we were checkin' out some damn hott cowboys... hahaha... Anyways... Then we were waiting for the chute doggin' and the rodeo clown asked for 4 volunteers for "something" but he didn't mention what, so of course I raised my hand and he picked me, then I forced Laura to go, too... we both went in with two other guys and he gave us each a baseball bat. We spread out evenly (like 50 feet away) around a cone with a ball on it. Then he goes, "Okay, take the baseball bat, put the end on your head and the other end on the ground and circle around 20 times, then run to the cone and hit the ball off of the cone. Whoever's first wins." I spun and spun and of course the clown put ME closest towards the audience so my ass was like revolving and guys were hootin' and hollerin... then I ran to the center and SMACKED THAT MOFO and I WON!! It was so great. So we were walking out all drunk-like and some 13 year old cowboy came out to Laura and was like "Hey can I have your number?" He was so freakin cute... he was a steer rider. (He's graduating to bulls next week. ) That was really cute...then on the way home I talked to Darren and Kirk then went to sleepies.
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2005 20 July :: 11.08 am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday
Water Drinking Contest...
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Okay. Long story so listen up. So I was on the phone with Jake, when I got this incredible idea to have a water drinking contest with my dearest friend Laura. What an excellent idea. Heck yes. So I filled up two 2 liter bottles to the tippy top and grabbed two glasses and headed outside in case of an issue. On the first glass, I almost puked. I don't know why, I guess I was just over-analyzing the situation. I knew from then I was screwed and I wouldn't be able to get much further. I was getting goosebumps and shaking by the 6th glass and it was weird. Well, much to my suprise, I ended up finishing my first liter and we were both going strong. ...haha. So, by the second glass of the third liter, I was already puking in my mouth and swallowing it at the risk of losing, so I had to bite the bullet and swallow. After all, this is a VERY serious competition. Laura and I both took a piss break and continued... Finally... after Laura finally puked in her mouth and I pissed on the lawn 3 times... Laura said she was done, declaring me the winner. Afterwards Laura peed like she has never peed before and I puked in my front yard 3 times... Now we're sitting here peeing and puking and peeing and peeing.... Not feeling good at all... and if you ever... ever... want to have a water drinking contest, I totally and completely advise against it. Don't even try. I will never do something so stupid again.
Currently listening:
Bad [Bonus Tracks]
By Michael Jackson
Release date: By 16 October, 2001
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2005 18 August :: 3.48 pm
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Letter I wrote to the family the night of Aug. 16...
Well, I guess I need to go to an insane assylum. Lock me up in a mother fuckin' straight jacket. I'm the one who's going crazy here. It's no one else. I'm too much of a dumbass to not be guilty of anything that goes wrong in this house. I guess you're all higher than me. A little too intelligent, and I'm a little too naive. The only one that doesn't think that is my mom. She's the only one that ever respected me. I'd rather be confined to a 10x12 room in my father's house and take my step-mother's criticism than take it from a man. A full grown man, to be more specific. A man of his age shouldn't be as immature as he is. Who's to say I'm not mature? I'm not. I know I'm not. What 16 year old girl really knows who she is or what she is or what she wants to do? All of that's maturity and it happens over time. You'd think by the time you're 60+ you'd have it. I'm glad he has his degree in whatever the hell it is to back him up. I have my fear of men. I don't need him to lurk around and make it worse. If you know nothing at all, know that I am NOT afraid of him. I just don't need him in my life. I've recognized that. However, it's inevitable. Every bad thing seems to be inevitable in my life. My life's like a car on a cable, and I have no control over where it goes, or so it seems. All I am is an hourglass glued to a table, and my "patience" sand is running out. Like I said, maybe it's me that's over-reacting, or maybe its one of you that doesn't see what's going on. Maybe I over-think everything and anything I've ever felt sorry for I never should have. Maybe every single time I ever felt like it was someone else who made me feel how I feel, I was wrong... the entire time, I was wrong. Maybe I wish I had a close friend who knows me as well as I know myself. Maybe things would be better and I'd have someone to call when I'm like this. What you don't understand is, I can't tell you things. You're my family, which is a branch off of myself, but somewhere along the line, your branch grew a little too long for me to be able to reach, and I'm the tiny one at the bottom of the tree that never really grew. You won't ever know me how I know myself, and frankly, I don't know how anyone ever could. I'm nothing more to this new family than a liar, a fake, and a burden, with the exception of my mom... God bless her for putting up with me. I want to start over, and I want a real dad. I want nothing more than my dad back in my life and to live normal, how I used to be before all of this. I don't want to be afraid, and I wish I could stop it. I can't not live here. I have too many responsibilities. I don't like my life being punctuated by sadness and frustration. I can't live here. I can't not live here. I can't leave, and I sure as hell can't stay. So tell me what I'm supposed to do. Put up with this bullshit until I have enough money to live on my own? Even then I can't leave. My life is at this farm. I brought myself up the wrong way, and if I could just start over I'd change it all. Either something in my head is not letting me see the good of living, or it's just not existant. I ask of you not to talk to me about this. It leads to nothing but arguments. I ask of you not to even bring this up. Let's just live life how we have been since we moved in here. Everyone ignoring everyone, everyone holding grudges, everyone sick and tired, and everyone with absolutely no motivation to keep on living like this. Let's just keep it that way until one of us can't handle it anymore. Then we'll see how that changes things. I don't want to talk about this. Don't even bring it up.
Currently listening:
Operation: Cut-Throat
By Hidden In Plain View
Release date: By 13 June, 2002
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2005 12 September :: 1.23 pm
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