I thought it’d be easy, but no one believes me. I meant all the things I said. If you believe it’s in my soul, I’d say all the words that I know just to see if it would show that I’m trying to let you know that I’m better off on my own. This place is so empty. My thoughts are so tempting, I don’t know how it got so bad. Sometimes it’s so crazy that nothing can save me but it’s the only thing that I have.

kinda reminds me of Josh.

I can see just what is coming... another argument worth nothing. and believe me when I tell you, another fight I won't go through, cause I know that it would hurt you, and I don't want that. cause after all the pain you've been through, you deserve much more than that.

Holy crap, when that song came on, me, Sara, and Kelly DANCED LIKE NEVER BEFORE! lmao, it was great. We were singing and dancing and ohmygod I haven't had that much fun in so long. It felt so fucking awesome to just let loose. I haven't done that in forever and I really needed it. People are going to be like um, wtf? Because as soon as I get back to school I'll be my quiet self. Whatevah.. that's just how I am.

Fuck. My brother's alarm clock went off this morning at 6. I was sleeping on his bed tonight because I let Sara sleep in mine, and Trevor's not home, so WOOH, free bed. Yeah. Ha. Great. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. I woke up and I was like "EH!?!" and I was like looking around and it was pitch black and I was thinking "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? IS THERE A FIRE?" and I like jumped up and looked around and I was like SHIT! and I got all dizzy for a second and then I realized it was the alarm clock. I was like "you stupid fucker." So... I jumped back in bed and attempted to turn the thing off. I pushed like 4097633987 buttons and nothing turned the fucking thing off and it just kept beeping louder and louder and FASTER and FASTER... so I was like WTF? So I reached around to the back of the bed and tried to find the cord to un-plug it. [BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP..] Finally I found it after pulling 3 cords and it turned off. I was like.. in heaven. Um yeah, and then I fell back to sleep. I figured you'd like to know that little tidbit of information.

I wanted to dance with Seth Lucas so BAD last night! He was SO funny when he was dancing with Lex and omg... That kid's rad. But he never danced with me and I never danced with him.

I'm so happy Belverio came over last night... we had so much fun! =]

Today just might be a good day.
Here's the schedule:
it's now 11:02.
From here until.. later.. I'm going to be cleaning like crazy.
Barnwork... takes me like 2 1\2 hours?
Riding... 1 1\2?
I don't know if I'm going to be able to hang out with you guys today, but I don't know. I gotta see how everything plays out. I've got a lot of work to make up from yesterday. FUCK and I have to re-do my condom report cause I fuckin' plagiarized on it. Oh fucking bite me lady. I don't give two shits about condoms, OR which ones give more pleasure. You just want me to re-do it cause it fucking turns you on. YOU WANT MORE BABY! HA! later guys.

:Sara snorts::
"DUDE WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE SNORTS COMING FROM?"
"Deep inside my soul."

LMFAO!

The dance was incredibly fun. I didn't think I'd have that much fun. I was thinking, fuck it, if I'm going to be here for 4 hours, I might as well let loose and dance like a mother. So I did. I shook my ass. And I shook my ass some more. And some more. I danced with a few people... I uhm, okay. Josh Belverio... I danced with him twice and it was fun. But I feel so disgusted with myself for doing it. The entire time I was thinking about Brandon and I was like 'oh my god I wish I wasn't doing this'. I felt so horrible. But I kept dancing. And dancing some more. Dancing.. and dancing... I hate myself for that. Even though me and Josh are definately only friends, it just felt like a lot more than that, and I know what I did was so wrong. :sigh:.. I hope Brandon's not angry with me. I danced with Jimmy cause I felt bad for him. First HE danced with ME. He like.. grabbed my arms and had no idea what he was doing... So I just kinda showed him and had fun with it... fun. And uhm, I slow danced with Slater. He was so funny... we were talking about having a mosh pit all of a sudden and throwing punches. Wouldn't that be a blast?! Lmao, he made me laugh. That was the end. All in all, I got my ass grabbed 4 times, twice by girls, twice by guys. It was not cool. Ugh wow, I had so much fun, but I regret so much.

blahdon'thateme.

I don't know why I put I was listening to Jump because I really am listening to Dance the Night Away, but whatever. Strange.

I want to see people this weekend so bad.
Besides the... :cringe:... Snowball tonight... I won't see anyone besides Sara I don't think. I hope it's warm out. If it is, I'm going to ride all my horses like mad. I'll be out there riding until probably 2 in the afternoon if it's warm enough. I haven't been able to have a decent ride in so long cause of the weather.

Um...

I hung up on Brandon last night! =o!
Accidental though... my phone's a piece of shit and if I talk to anyone over an hour the battery dies. I LOVE TALKING TO THAT KID ON THE PHONE OMG HE'S SO FUNNY! Holy shit I can't stop laughing.

My christmas ornaments are underway bitches!

Okay well, I just woke up, I gotta get some jeans on and head out to the barn and start working and riding. [Hopefully...]

Brandon if you see this, call me if you're bored because... PSHKAYTHX.
and Josh.. lmao... You can call me anytime because... I know what's goin' down over there. So sorry. Love you and miss you.

I feel so bad for Josh.

Staying at Rob's house for a week.

Oh holy mary.

LMAO!

Later.

I fucking hate school.
I know I mention that all the time.
I hate how I can never be my normal self in school. I don't even know what it is that's keeping me. I just... can't... do it. I'm so fucking shy and so fucking quiet and it pisses me off. Weird things happen in school that would never happen out of school. Josh was so mad at me today because I was "flirting with Brandon", when all I really did was say "hey" to him and push him kinda after he did. Things are so confusing. I want to move in with Josh and never come back here. I want to live with Josh foreverrr and never worry about anything. Whenever I'm around him I don't worry, and I love feeling that. I hate self-centered and closed-minded people. Partially why I hate school. Today was probably the worst day of the entire week, and it was just my mind that made it that way. Ugh, I hate the way I think. I miss Josh and I want to see him. I don't want to go to this dance. I don't want to see anyone this weekend except for maybe Josh and I'd die to hang out with Sara and Brandon this weekend. Sara's coming over tomorrow. This weekend is going to go by so rediculously fast, I don't even want to start it. It's going to be worth nothing. I hate using the word depressed because no one knows what it really means. I'm so depressed this week. So fucking upset and so quiet. If I could be doing anything right now, I'd be sleeping under the covers with Josh for hours while he holds me forever. I need something better than this. Shit better get easier...