J dawg.

i know it's been a long time. you've lost that look in your eye. the one that told me everything was fine without a word. but now we're standing face to face, with nothing left to say but goodbye to yesterday. I don't know if i can make it. i don't know if i'm that strong. I don't know where we went wrong, but somehow it's over. in my mind I see you clearly, in my dreams I feel you near me. i want to know, does this feeling go away? like shooting stars we shine and then we fade, breaking the promises we made. what about the promises? what about the promises we made? what about our plans for forever? did they scare you? did you need to get away? you taught me many things, like how it feels to miss someone so bad. it feels like a part of you is missing. i can tell you one thing... now that you have gone, I never will forget you. you left your mark. but when I have gone and you've moved on, will you remember me?

In that picture of me up there, I look so careless. Isn't it weird? Do I look weird in that picture? I thought it was an okay picture of me so I posted it. But I look so... modest and carefree. I kinda look like... Whatever, fuck off, I don't like you, and that's cool. Kinda. I love my green tank top even though Josh hates it.

What bothers me is how I'm always attracted to the guys who have girls up their asses 24/7. It never fails. Every... time. It's always the guys that are like fucking... pimps. ...HA! And I hate that. What bothers me even worse is how, they're all those girls that like... will do anything to get him to look at her. I hate people like that. Loud. Obnoxious. Brats. I think they should all die. Just my opinion. What do you care?

PEOPLE are IMing me that I haven't talked to in a long time.

People are ass holes.

I'm like, colder than cold.

So I ended up going to school after all. My stepdad found out we were skipping. I came in around 11:45ish. I missed 4 periods, so yay. I came to lunch and saw Josh<3 and just kinda hung out and waited for the bell to ring. The rest of the day was blah, but at least I got to see Josh and hang out with people. Math always seems to puzzle me. GET IT? PUZZLE? HA! no. Anyways. We're doing these puzzle things that are just... screwed up. She knows they confuse me, so we do them, and then when I ask questions, she ignores. Ha, that's how it works in hurr.

Anyways. In ... my... pants?

Josh (Miller) is probably really angry with me because I didn't go home with him. =o! Oh well. Suck a fat one, you whore. I don't like you. ...wow, that was mean. Anyways.

Buy me colorful mittens.

So yeah, It’s 9:50 and I’m sitting at home. It’s bullshit. The school. Last night into this morning the school was closed today, then last minute they decide: 2 Hour delay. Who the fuck does that? Go die. So I’m being miss rebellious and sitting home.

I’m uh, making a blunt truth survey, so I suggest you take it. I’ll be uber appreciative.
Blunt Truth
Be honest. ;D

I’m seriously obsessing over this kid and I can’t stop talking to him and he’s so funny and… SO funny… and SO FUNNY… and so sweet. And so nice, and if I didn’t know better I’d think I was falling in love with him but holycrap what do I do?! I just need to say “fuck it.” And lay off. He doesn’t like me, which is totally understandable, I mean, I wouldn't like me if I was a guy with the taddest bit of intelligence, unless of course I was a fucking dumbass. Whatever. I just want him. Really… bad.

I can’t wait until my bull’s big enough to ride. He’s so cute. His horns are coming in and they’re probably… an inch long by now. He’s turning into a real ass hole though. Oh well. Born and raised. ;D

Put an X between the parenthesis for "yes".

Would you...

() go out with me?
() give me your number?
() kiss me?
() let me kiss you?
() watch a movie with me?
() take me out to dinner?
() drive me somewhere
() take a shower with me?
() be my boyfriend/girlfriend?
() have a fling with me?
() Listen to me if I called you crying even if you were out with all of your friends?
() buy me a drink?
() Would you let me sleep in your bed?
() Sing car karaoke with me?
() sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
() re-post this for me to answer your questions?
() give me a piggyback ride?
() Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?

Dear the one I love:
I need you now more than ever.
Please reveal yourself.
Thanks.
-Cas

Lol, you know, I'm thinking. What really would happen if she died? Kicked the bucket? Croaked? What have you. Where would I go? Would... I go anywhere? I would never live with that sick fuck I call my father out in the city. Or with that sick fuck I call my step mother. I would never... ever... live with them. If it was my last choice, I'd fucking jump off a 20 story building. (By the way, I know that she's okay now, and theres a really great chance that she's going to make it through all this, but I can't help but think about it.) It's so stupid how I sit here and I'm crying about her, but at the same time, I laugh because I'm in such a fucking pickle if she dies. Fucking pickle. HA! God, what would I do? In reality, I'd have to sell most of our horses and sell most of the things I own to try and live on my own somewhere. The only reason I live where I live is because my horses can stay here and because I'm with my mom. I could move in with Juanita. Yeah, and work my fucking ass off paying for board for Cowboy, Dylan, Doc, and Bliss. That's a flop. I'd die. Fuck it guys. If she's gone, I'm gone. Lets face the facts there, I mean come on now. There's no realistic way for me to survive this if she doesn't.

Okay, so tomorrow my mommy goes in for more surgery to put a... something in. I don't know, its some thing that like... if she goes in to cardiac arrest, which she has a 15% chance of from here on out, it will kinda get her heart under control with an electrical shock type thing. Yeah, that will hurt like a mofo, but at least she won't die of cardiac arrest. She's so excited, if everything works out to plan she comes home on wednesday. How cool. I miss her.

In about two weeks I get to go see my oral surgeon again to see when I can get MY surgery on my jaw. Exciting. I'm not too thrilled, but then again, it will make things so much better. owww... I guess it's just the price I pay for being a bull rider. =] Shit happens.

Remind me to tell you about the abstainance theory.