I'm feeling a little sense of calm today. I'm not talking non-stop, and I'm not worried today. I love these kind of days. They only come around every now and then. I think it's the shirt I'm wearing. Not the one underneath, cause it keeps getting crooked. But when I'm wearing my cute white button down, kinda... secretary type shirt I always feel confident, I don't know why. It makes me look thinner.

I'm so lost in this Javascrpt class.

I'm fucked for school.

I love you Josh. ..I love you Josh Belverio. You're amazing kid. =]

You’ve always known I was better writing things than talking about them. I get confused, I stutter, and I pause. Everything I was trying to tell you will hopefully explain itself in this piece. When I saw him, and how he was, how he acted, and how funny and happy he was, I thought… wow. How nice would it be to be with someone like that? How nice would it be to have someone who cares about me, who makes me laugh and smile? Who makes me want to be around. Who makes me want to be here. I never had anyone like that, ever. I sheltered myself and everyone, and everything around me was basically numb. I figured, if Josh and I were together, that would totally fix everything and I’d have one to trust and love and be happy with. Before I found out he had any feelings for me, my self-confidence and self image was at an all-time low, and I’d never been so obsessed with being perfect. When I found out he wanted to get to know me, things totally turned around. It’s like a high. I never wanted it to end, so I forced myself to have feelings for him, because if I didn’t, things would stop, and it would go back to how it used to be. Desperate. I’d go back to being desperate for someone to care about me, and when I didn’t get it, I’d do things. I don’t want to go back to that. Why it’s so hard for me to let go of him is because, I know how much he cares about me. I know how much. I don’t want it to end. I don’t want the feeling to end. The feeling that someone has me under their wing. I know I have you, and I know I have Bev, but sometimes… I get selfish and I feel like it’s not enough for me. As if I’m totally alone. (Which I’m most definitely not, but there’s that mind connection between what my mind thinks is real, and what I know is.) Now I realize that, I only wanted Josh for that feeling. I felt intimidated by everyone when I was alone, and when I was with him, I felt like… I had someone to care about me, and there was no reason to feel intimidated, and there was no reason to be absolutely perfect. As soon as I lose that comfort, I’ll go back to how I was. I get so jealous. I get so intimidated by anyone prettier than me, because I know that’s why people care about them. Because they’re gorgeous, and I’m not. I know that’s kind of a strange way to think, but its how I feel and how my mind makes me. That’s why I’m so jealous of her. She’s so beautiful and everyone talks to her and laughs with her. I never meant to say she had the perfect life, ever. No one does, or ever will, that’s just how it plays out. I want the emptiness bottle to be corked. I hate that empty feeling, even if it’s fake and I really have all I need. For some reason, I can’t picture it being filled and I get like this. When I see her with you, I get so happy for her, so angry at myself. I get angry at myself because I wonder why I don’t allow myself to be like that. I see her laughing and smiling with you like I’ve never seen me. I’ve never felt that, and I don’t know why. I don’t know if I’m just not allowing myself to feel it, or I just cannot feel it. I can’t make myself feel un-empty and I don’t know why. Everything is so hopelessly unexplainable these days, and I wish it were different. It’s so hard for me to explain this to you, so forgive me, because I hardly understand it myself. You are getting it straight from my mind, no beating around the bush. This is exactly how I feel it. Are you as confused as I am?

I love... how... now that Letterkills have released their new single... everyone's like... "OmFgZZ L3TT3rKIllZ R@WKZ!!!11!" Same thing happened with Hawthorne Heights and Story of the Year. It's sad, really. I mean, don't get me wrong, they all have some decent qualities and I'm happy for their success, it's just kind of sad how they are being engulfed at speeds faster than light. What's even worse is, they know they're being sold into this whole scene, but the money's good. We know it, and they know it. It's a shame that people don't realize how lucky they are... to be out there screaming to thousands of people on a stage. They say they are... but no. I don't hear them thanking God for every dollar they put into their pockets. :sigh:: Oh well. I know I rant about this every now and then, but it kind of... sort of... bothers me.

I have the most evil headache right now. It started second period and its still sticking around. My nose is so rediculously stuffy. I can't breathe out of it. Welcome to the world of poor Brielle. Brielle, anything I've ever said to you about breathing, forgive me. I realize now, it's fucking murder. Ha... My throat is kinda... ow. My eyes are crying. I think people are avoiding me today, just in general. I called 358754 people and it's all ... "The subscriber you have called is not available at this time. Please try your call again later." So I cry. Then sleep. I slept more in the past 24 hours than some people sleep in a week. Like... 20 Hours. Kind of nice.

I need to get laid like now,kaythnx.

This entire weekend has been a blur. Totally and completely... whatever. I'm so apathetic and blah and just... blah. I miss Mr. Belverio and yeah. He's all emo and crying in my ear and making me all sad. ...HA!

Anyways.

I had a really... really... long... jumping lesson. On a horse that I really didn't like. We couldn't trailer Bliss over because of the mud, so whatever. The lesson sucked. It was cold. and blah.

I'm not in the mood for this here sheezah.

I wish... I knew... what I wanted. It's kind of sad that I can't even sit down and tell myself what I want because... I don't know. I can't even think about it, and when I try, I just confuse myself because it all makes as much sense as a 90 year old marathon runner. I need to like... really... honestly think about what's going on. I know what I want and I know how to get it, but everything inside of me is like... wow. I can't even put one foot in front of the other today. I can't... tell him. It's stupid how the only person I can't get myself to talk about it with is him. When I can even tell the person that I have feelings for all about it. It's so stupid, and it goes to show how much you really should trust me. I'm fucking guilty and I hate it. I hate how there's no reason, too. There's no reason for me to feel how I do, so I can't explain myself to him, which will make him that much more angry. I know that no matter what I do or say, he'll be so angry, and I can't change any of that. That's why I'm so apathetic in telling him. I don't know how to. I really... don't. It's been a long time, and tonight it just may bring it out of me again. I hate what I do to myself and him, and I hate how... none of this... is working. None of it is working guys. One word to sum up this entire entry: Fuck.