:: 2005 7 August :: 12.47 pm
:: Mood: weird

take this handgun to my eyes and watch my cells start to rise. the flesh now starts to break as the bullet enters like a snake through one side of my head and out the other one.

please tell me i'm not wanted.
it's all i want to hear.


...the hardest thing about dying is knowing that you'll never see the light of day.

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:: 2005 1 August :: 11.58 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: [Georgia Rain]

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:: 2005 30 July :: 9.55 pm
:: Mood: blah

You know me, I will never, EVER post a "mood" as "depressed"... but if I would, it wouldn't be 'blah'. I've been feeling 'blah' since last night... I don't know why, just blah. I don't want to talk, and I don't want to move. Typical scene, it'll end in a few days. I just need to get out of here. Holy crap, Jim just IMed me and that made me really happy for like 2.7 seconds. It's weird that I'm saying I need to get out of here when I "got out of here" last week when I stayed at Laura's for 5 days. I don't know, it's just that sick emptiness... that void that can never be filled unless I'm with my horses or out west on the bulls. Even if it's fear of falling or anger of not making an 8 second ride, it's still filling that emptiness, and that's what I want, and what I need. It's the only thing I can think of that will fill it... nothing else comes close... normally people would choose people relations... I choose animal. Is that insane? Maybe I'm just gifted. I just can't ever replace the feeling of dancing with Cowboy's emotions, even if they conflict, it's still pure beauty every time I'm on his back. Sure there's that connection with all my other horses, but Cowboy and I go way back. We've been together for 10 years and have been through some bumpy shit but we still find a way to make pure bliss out of him throwing a hissy fit and me throwing one back. We're partners and companions and nothing but fate can seperate that. I swear to God, if that horse leaves my side, I'm going with him. We're best friends and he fills that void. He thinks with my mind and I think with his. Sometimes I let him use his own, occasionally he loans me mine... but to put it short, we both live as one, and if one of us goes, the other one's going too, just to fill that emptiness, like he always has for the past 10 years.

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:: 2005 7 July :: 7.07 am
:: Mood: gloomy

Last night-
You know, I miss him more than anything, but when I told him that I don't understand him anymore... and he said... "If you don't now, I guess you never did. Forget it, Casey, I hope you find happiness elsewhere, Goodnight." ... that killed me. I need him just as much as I did a year ago. There's no one else I'd rather be around for the rest of my life. How did this get so screwed up?

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:: 2005 5 July :: 8.00 pm

OLD Myspace Profile



www.picturetrail.com/its4am

Attention lovely Myspace peoples:
I'm back from camp. Haha. And now I'm legal on myspace. Bizzah?


I hate it how the number of people on my friend's list far exceeds my number of picture comments. ...Okay, comments in general. I love sneezing, it's orgasmic to me. I could sneeze all day. ...You know, that's probably deadly. Good. See, Kirk sneezes three times, always. I only sneeze once, sometimes twice if I'm really feelin' lucky. I cut my own hair. You will not catch me paying 20 bucks to get my hair cut when I have a pair of perfectly good scissors sitting in my underwear drawer. I'm weird. I love sideburns. Fuck that, I love facial hair. ...anyway. I fear sounding obsessive when I like or want something. Which is why sometimes I sound like I don't really care. or... whatever. It sucks. I suck at life.


Okay. I am... Casey Noelle Schwind, as far as I know, the first. No, Casey wasn't a punkrocker, nor was she a ballet dancer. ...Wait! She was a ballet dancer! Only for a couple years. When I was little. Gah, that reminds me, I wore the cutest little gold tu-tu for my first perfromance... So sexy. Anyways... I'm 16. If you can't handle that, suck it. ...To be so blunt. My birthday is June 27, 1989. If that doesn't tell you I'm illegal, I don't know what else could change your mind. I live on a farm in Hope, technically Blairstown, NJ. We've got 10 horses, a bun bun, a bull, 150, give or take chickens, a handful of guinea hens, a handful of bigass geese, 6 dogs, 3 cats, 3 birds, 2 bearded dragons, and... oh, 3 rather large tanks of fishies and starfish. Uh, what else? I've been riding horses all my life, and I compete almost every Saturday and Sunday from April until October... I ride in Jackpot Rodeos for bull riding... I started bull riding in April of 2004 at Sankey Rodeo Schools in Penrose, Colorado. So, me being a late starter, I'm a little behind than most 15 year old bull riders. I'm getting there, though... Now I'm raising a Holstein bull calf to use as practice... You can see pics of him on my Webshots... he's a doll. I love him. I'm also beginning practice sessions every Friday at Edgewood Valley Farms in Nazarath, PA. If you go to my webshots, you can see pictures of me riding. My greatest role models are Ross Coleman, Mike Lee, Jerome Davis, and Paulo Crimber. I think Paulo's great cause he really has a lot of heart and he came into the game focused and ready and it was worth it for him. I love watching bull riding, going to rodeos, showing my horses, and roping my bull calf while hes still little. As for my personality, I'm a fairly respectable person if you get on my good side. If you're ... blatantly dumb, cocky, rude, disrespectful to anyone, obnoxious, bland, or shy.... I probably won't like you very much. I'm actually a lot more sensitive than people precieve me to be, and I cry so easily that it's rediculous. ...Sucks. If ever I'm frustrated, or feel that I've failed in making myself or other people happy, I'll cry like an emo child. I don't like seeing other people hurting or upset... that's the worst feeling in the world, especially if you did it to them. Intentionally or not. The end. Love me.



I get picked on a lot for some of the things I write in my online journal cause I sound "too emo" or I "act" too mature... To clear that whole thing up, journals are meant for ranting and raving, bitching and moaning. That's what I use it for. Its... used... for everything. Not a second of my life is left out of my journal. I just figure... if I ever go wrong, I have my journal to figure out where and when I fucked up. I tend to do that often. Also just the words I use make me seem a little more... "mature" ? I have a wide vocabulary and the mind of a 40 year old poet. I dunno. I get it from my father. Who by the way is moving to North Carolina. ...South Carolina? One of the two. I don't know, I don't care.



I tend to be a tad of a perfectionist? I don't like things going one percent awry, it just bugs the crap out of me. Failure has never gone over easily with me, and I bring that into everything- relationships, work, play, bull riding, rodeos.... or to put it simply- living. I can't stand the thought of a failed relationship, so accordingly, I'm an extremely reliable person. No lies, all truth. Some people don't me being so blatantly honest, some do. Can't please everyone.



Lets see... what else can I tell you? Hm... When you're uncomfortable, I am. Do anything you can to keep me laughing and keep me talking. If you fade and get a little nervous, I'll get nervous. If... that... makes sense.



Also, I curse too much. I love my friends that I have because they don't try to change me for it. They understand that I'm a fairly angry child and fuckshitcockdammitmotherfucker is my way of ranting or expressing myself. If you can't handle that, either, I'm sorry. It's just how I am. Although, I can contain myself when needed, no questions asked.



I'm loud sometimes. I'm quiet other times. I like getting hurt, specifically by other people. I don't like being hurt emotionally, but physically, go ahead, hit me, lets see what happens. Which is why I'm addicted to going to shows now. (Not horse shows... like.. rock shows.) I don't like being in large groups of people I don't know. I don't like being in small groups of people I don't know. I don't like being with people I don't know. Then again, when I'm at a show and pushed up against thousands of sweaty people... I'm in heaven. I love it. I burp loud. I have multiple personalities. I'm the biggest tomboy like... ever. I dye my hair too much. I have really long legs. They're like... spiders. I have a short mid-section. Sometimes it's long. It depends on the outfit. I have a really long neck too, and a sharp face. I don't like snakes, but I still look for them and keep them in cages until they die of accidental suicide. Like today. I'm habit-forming. People tend to flock to me. I like you if you don't have a number in your screen name. Hence LcaughtFLre. But that was so yesterday. I don't like people who substitute letters with other letters or numbers. Kind of like my screen name. Which is why I don't like myself much. I don't like sweaters. I saw the 50 Cent video, and I saw the girl dip the apple into chocolate. It's possible. I have few friends, but I love them all dearly. Shall I name my closest ones? Ricky, Josh, Josh, Dan, Katie Ferg, Brielle, Laura, Sara. ...Notice the majority is dudes. Have I mentioned I'm a tomboy? Jeeze, I really am. I wear sunglasses a lot. I get a farmer's tan in summer. I will never go tanning. I'm afraid of cancer. Cereal also scares me sometimes. Sometimes outdated things freak me out. The future freaks me out. You freak me out. But only sometimes. I can be really random, especially on the phone. Ask anyone. It's bad. I have a short attention span most of the time, unless it's important. I cry for no reason at least once a week. I've never broken a bone in my body. Wait. Lies. I broke 3 bones in my foot when my horse stepped on me last year. Yeah... I'm in love. I don't like cocky people. Or slow printers. I bite my nails hardcore. I have like ... no nails left. I wish you could see it. The paint on my nails normally consists of 10 different chipped up colors. I like to bite my polish off. If I could eat with one instrument for the rest of my life, it would be a spork. I bite. A lot. If you can't handle that, don't talk to me. Don't send me a friend request. Because I will, at some point, for sure... bite you. Shoes interest me. I won't wear just any pair of shoes. I'm picky. I generally go for the cheap ones. I'm addicted to tampons, and anyone who's had their period for over a year and doesn't use them needs serious mental help. I couldn't live without Tampax. Thanks, Matthew. Having your period sucks, by the way. It's a waste of time, and dumb. I want to get my tubes tied. ORGY! I always get a knot in my right shoulder. A long, strong massage usually helps. I have a hammock up on the hill connected with two trees. It's shady, but it looks over the sunset in the PM. It's a really nice spot. I've always wanted a trampoline, but my mom says if someone gets hurt, she's in trouble. ...Or something like that. I don't care, I just like to bounce. ...boobies. What? Yeah. I like boys. A lot. One day, I want to have a boy's babies. HA. Randomness. I want you to call me. I like to talk on the phone, but not with people who have nothing to say. So if you call me, talk to me. Don't just sit there.



Webshots

Journal


You can IM me on:

Its 4 am X





New photos on Webshots -- 2/25/05

For more recent pictures, go to:

PictureTrail








Likes:

Guys that are idiots in front of everyone else but get emotional with me.

Guys that feel they can open up to me.

Cell phones

Microwaves

Sleeping with guys. (no sex involved, just sleeping.)

When a guy needs me.

Being loved.

Home made cinnamon buns

Hugging and holding on.

Playful kisses.

Boys that aren't afraid to show me they love me.

Sleeping.

Rugrats macaroni and cheese

The little plastic things at the end of shoelaces.

Goofy boys. I love the goofballs.

Dancing with no music.

When he, whoever it may be, calls me up at midnight and says: "Sneak out with me. We're going to take a walk." ...and we do just that.

Getting dirty.




Dislikes:

Getting pills stuck in your throat, and not going away for hours.

Real macaroni and cheese.

Bands that sound the same as everyone else.

Guys that ask if they can hug or kiss you.

Guys that ask if they can dance with you.

Perverts.

Hard ice cream over soft ice cream.

Strawberry milk.

Getting poked.

Getting tickled.

Someones hand going down my pants.

Guys that won't leave you alone.

Guys that just want some.

Suprises.






Sit down, watch tv, let me come over and lay down with my head on your chest and my arms around you. Go ahead, play with my hair, you know I love it. Take me for a drive just to get out... even if we're not going anywhere, lets just drive. Don't suck my face, just give me a kiss on the forehead, it's much more romantic anyway. We don't always have to be talking, you know. It's okay, sometimes silence and actions breaks through better than any words ever could. You don't always have to be all over me. I know how you really feel. You're my best friend, remember? We both stand clear. Lets just be lazy. Yeah, lazy. Lets sit around and talk. Let's sit around and cuddle and talk about forever. Stay forever...

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:: 2005 5 July :: 5.02 pm
:: Mood: bitchy

I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you, said "I liked your shoes". You said "thanks, can I follow you?" So it's up the stairs, and out of view; no prying eyes. I poured some wine, I asked your name, you asked the time. Now it's two o'clock, the club is closed we're up the block, your hands on me, I'm pressing hard against your jeans with your tongue in my mouth trying to keep the words from coming out. You didn't care to know who else may have been you before. I want a lover I don't have to love... I want a guy who's too sad to give a fuck. Where's the kid with the chemicals? I thought he said to meet me, here but I'm not sure... I got the money if you got the time. You said it feels good, I said I'll give it a try. ...Then my mind went dark. We both forgot where your car was parked. Let's just take the train. I'll meet up with the band in the morning. We're bad actors with bad habits, some sad singers, they just play tragic... the phone's ringing and the van's leaving. Let's just keep touching. Let's just keep keep singing, cause I want a lover I don't have to love. I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk. Where's the kid with the chemicals? I got a hunger, and I can't seem to get full. I need some meaning I can memorize... the kind I have always seems to slip my mind, but you... you write such pretty words. Life's no story book. Love is an excuse to get hurt. ...And to hurt. Do you like to hurt? I do. Hurt me.

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:: 2005 26 June :: 11.52 am
:: Mood: blah

Yes, it was a fun week, no, I'm not going to get into it right now.

Came home today around two. My boss called me and told me she needed me tonight. I was like... wtf? Anyways, I had a headache and I was exhausted so I just layed down, intentions for only a while. I fell asleep and ended up staying asleep until about 5:30, when my mom woke me up. She was like "I cleaned all the stalls but one at Faith." (Faith Farm being my place of employment) "You need to get up and go do the last one, I can't, I'm exhausted. See... what happened was, they left the horses in for 6 days in a row and didn't have the mexicans clean the stalls. THEREFORE... There was nearly two feet of manure in each stall. My mom said that while she was there cleaning, my boss Ed came over and told her that she didn't have to clean anything and that he'd have the boys come over and do it on Tuesday. My mom turned to him and gave him the dirtiest look and said "I would NOT... let these beautiful mares sit here inhaling piss for another 3 days." ....wow. So yeah. I went. I cleaned. Very uncomfortable. Erdean came over to me and said "wow, you look extra pretty today. Are you not wearing makeup?" and I was like "I haven't put makeup on in days." and she was like "You're a very very pretty girl." and I was like ... nervous. I didn't know what to say. So I was all .. "err... Thanks!" THEN... all these people started showing up for my boss' party and I didn't know any of them and they were all giving me dirty looks because they were all dressed up and proper and I was in a baggy Tshirt and jeans covered in sweat and dirt wearing my work boots.

....Very uncomfortable.
...not having a fun day.

I was hating myself earlier because I said "God help me." and... I sat down and thought about it, and realized... Why the hell would he help me in a situation like this? Why the hell would God help me? I haven't done shit to deserve his guidance, so where the hell do I get off asking him for help when I haven't done shit for myself or him? Shows how disgustingly greedy I am, and how desperate I am to be a better person that I'd take the unfair route and ask God to help me when all I've done is betray him. Everyone thinks that I'm some "God hater" and it's not that at all. I simply have no respect for anything and I'm not going to sit here asking for God's help when I don't deserve it in the least. Thinking about this has made me hate needing God or anyone, and turning extremely bitter towards the whole thing. When I look at a religious person, all I can do is envy because I wish I had the strength to go out and make myself as worthy of God's guidance as they are. If I had any respect at all, I'd have someone forever, and I wouldn't feel guilty asking for help.

...But I don't.
...So I do feel guilty.

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:: 2005 20 June :: 9.20 pm

Laura and I are running away to get married.


... jay kay.
We're staying at the fairgrounds for about a week.
If you need me, call Laura's cell:
570 856 0689

Goodbye loves.

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:: 2005 16 June :: 11.34 am
:: Mood: blah

Have I finally broken the stitch that held the fragile bond between me and my journal?! Oh dear lord! Please say it isn't so! ...yeah, it's pretty much so. I don't know why, I don't really have an excuse or an explaination. The weather's been getting to me... I'm fully exhausted all day and I can't seem to get up on time no matter what I do. Today is my last class for the rest of my life, and then I'm done for good with High School. Hell. Yes. Anyways... This weekend's gonna be beat. Friday (Tomorrow) Laura and Britt are coming over and they're gonna help me get ready for the big GSMHA show which is on Saturday. umm... yeah whatever else... Saturday is GSMHA... then as soon as I get home from that, I have to work 3 horses and give Charlotte a bath for my horse show on Sunday... Chammings in Stillwater. WOOT. Yeah, and... after that... a nice FULL DAY to chill out, then on Tuesday I'm leaving for a week for Harmony with Charlotte and Cowboy and Laura. Fun fun, as always.

Its 4 AM x: tomorrow we gotta clean out the trailer and pack it..... saturday we gotta clean out the trailer and pack it.......... sunday we gotta clean out the trailer and pack it......
xNextimeAroundx: yeah
Its 4 AM x: then we get to camp on tuesday and have to UNpack it
Its 4 AM x: omg that's insane
xNextimeAroundx: i knooo
Its 4 AM x: pack unpack clean pack unpack clean pack unpack clean
Its 4 AM x: hahah

This is going to be insane.
Crazy long weekend. We're going to be so tired.

Um. Yes. In case you people forgot.... YES... I do have a cell phone.... YES... it works.... YES... you should call me. I won't be online much starting Saturday morning.... Call the cell- 908 797 2825

YEP.
Later kids.

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:: 2005 12 June :: 11.51 am

Shut the fuck up she said
I'm going fucking deaf
You're always too loud
Everything's too loud

Now that all my friends left
This place is fucking dead
I want to move out
When can we move out
This shit has got to stop
I'll run away

Get the fuck up she said
Your life is meaningless
It's going nowhere
You're going nowhere

You're just a fuck up she said
I'll live alone instead
She said "You don't care."
I know I don't care

I'll never ask permission from you
Fuck off I'm not listening to you
I'm not coming home
I'm never going come back home

I got too fucked up again
And passed out on the plane
Tried to forget you
I can't forget you

No sleep on this flight
I'll think about the nights
We had to get through
How did we get through?

I'll never ask permission from you
Fuck off I'm not listening to you
I'm not coming home
I'm never going to come back home
I think it's time that I should leave

I'll never ask permission from you
Fuck off I'm not listening to you
I'm not coming home
I'm never going to come back home
I'll run away

I think it's time for me to leave

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