I'm in a mood today. I'm extremely calm, becasue I know that all I have to do is get through the next four hours and I'll be home forever. I'm sad... I'm worried that I'll never see my friends again. I get like that when I leave for a while. I get creepy. I'm so close to crying whenever I walk from classroom to classroom. ...And as I sit here right now. Sometimes I get into these kind of moods when something is going to happen that I'm not aware of, by my heart is. Which sucks... I don't know. I just want to be home with my family, and with my mom. (Ew ew ew I'm crying during World Wide Web class, ew what the fuck, Casey stop.) I want ... (holy shit I'm a wreck.) I want to see Tam and Juanita so bad... I just want to hug her. I miss everything back home, and I miss being around my real friends. I hate how my mom won't get to see me walk down the aisle. I hate how I don't want my Dad's arm around mine when I do. I hate how, no matter how much you all love me, I'll never feel that complete. I'll never feel entirely complete, and I don't know why. I want to feel the mended emptiness that I felt a while ago when Jess was still Jess to me. Not just a girl. I want to love my mom and make her couple years she has the best she'll ever have. I have no money. Why is it, that money brings people happiness? My mom would be so happy... so happy if I could put her on a plane to San Francisco to see Bridg. She would be so happy, and I can't even do that for her. I can't do anything for her. It makes me feel like I can't love her. This world is so fucked up, that you have to have money to make someone love you. I feel so guilty for everything. I can't even imagine what my dad must have been through, walking down the steps and seeing his son hanging from the ceiling, his dark shadow cast on the basement floor. I never cared about that. I never even cried. I never... fucking... cared. Why wasn't I ever there for him? Why when I hugged him, it didn't mean anything? Why is it that everything I do feels so half-assed, and so careless? I want my real Dad back, and I want my mom to fucking be with him. My stepdad turned my family into a whole big misunderstanding. He tought people how to not understand. He taught people how to be ignorant. I just want my family back. I wish Matt wasn't dead, and I wish my Mom was happy. I wish her heart wasn't bleeding, and she'd live forever. How much longer will it be that I can come home and hug my mom? I've never cried in school before.

I guess this is what I get. We trust and believe so easily in words they speak. We seek security in one another, but theres no way to cover this, and these tragic nights and afternoons wreak disaster. And I can still feel you as if you were in the room. Where did our story end? Where did it start? I buried you along with my heart. Entertain me and tell me it didn't mean anything.

I won't be updating big extensive long entries for a while. Just short updates and hello's. I bought myself a nice hardcover journal and I'm busy hand writing all 560 journal entries in it. ...Since last year. So... that's lots of entries, and lots of copying. So bear with me, we're down to the minimal.


'i'm not cold' she said, but she's shaking
as she's lying next to me naked. pull her
hair back from her face to let her smile
heat this place. and it feels so far from
real. i'm lost and i love it. i can't take it. if
you're waiting. i can't wait to tell the
world about a girl who showed me love
again for the first time and it's everything
i've dreamed of.

Oh love.
Don't fret.
I'll be back sooner or later.

Haven't really been in the mood to update. I'm slightly confused today for the mere fact that class schedules are screwed up because of the half snow day, or whatever this is. Negative fifteen degrees this morning. I slipped and fell on my ass. ...Nothing new.

Mom wants me to be a model. It would be nice to make some cash... just have to lose about 10-15 pounds to be as skinny as they want you to be. If it works for me, that will be a decent way to make some money. Also on top of that, commercials. I have a lot of commercial opportunities. I don't really want to model though... but I do want cash. ...So. Hi. ..And I like to be center of attention. mwah. Sometimes.

Christmas shopping today... I have to get something for Juanita, Rachel, and my Dad. I think that's it... I don't know. I'm pretty confuzzled when it comes to Christmas this year.

I saw God's will on a Halloween night.
He was dressed as a bag of leaves.

What a creative costume.

...Ha.

BAH! Last night I talked to Josh for 2 hours until my battery died and all day today I've been going through Josh withdrawls. I've been wanting to talk to him so bad today that I was like... screaming and pulling my hair out! Then FINALLY the little fucking... gorgeous fucker signed online and I was like "YES!" and now I'm talking to him and I'm very satisfied. =]

I heart this kid. <3

my neck... my back...

lmfao. <3<3<3