:: 2004 24 November :: 1.25 pm

I had a shocking relevation the other day.

o.o

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:: 2004 24 November :: 1.20 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

My nasal passages are burning.

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:: 2004 24 November :: 1.11 pm
:: Mood: lonely

I'm really upset. Lately something little like this just gets to me. Josh wasn't himself today. He was miserable and I couldn't figure out why. Seeing him or any of my best friends like that makes me just want to take his position. I guess because over time, I've learned to be strong no matter what, which is why I'm always happy. The only thing I can't stand up to is myself. So, my first reaction when I see Josh like this is I get really upset. When he got off the bus I layed down on the seat and I couldn't stop thinking about him. Something little like that just gets to me. He's my best friend, and if anything ever happened to him, I don't know what I'd do. That kid has taught me so much, I could never repay him for just being himself and guiding me. It sounds strange, and he probably wont understand either, but he has done a world of good for me, and theres no way I could ever love him enough. I love that kid with everything I am.

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:: 2004 23 November :: 9.43 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: [Always]

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:: 2004 23 November :: 8.31 pm
:: Mood: blah

Note: I changed the journal's password. I hope the point has been sufficiently ground in, that my private entries are my private area and it is not to be dragged into the world. ...But feel free to email or IM me with whatever criticism you like, and I will cheerfully tell you where and how far up to stuff it.

Suicide sucks.
I just can't see too much good in it, even given that death is something we all have to learn and understand at some point. And it hurts to think about everyone today who will be grieving for someone they love and will not see again. It hurts to think about the shock and screaming and weeping, and I wonder how many of them will suffer so much that they take their own lives in return.

And I wonder what happens to those of us who live every day with this. I wonder how humans can survive with that much pain. How does she do it? ...How did he do it? ...eh.

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:: 2004 23 November :: 9.30 am
:: Mood: bored

The Perfect Guy For -- Casey

1. hair color – doesn't matter.
2. eye color - doesn't matter.
3. height – My height or taller. I don't think I could date a guy shorter than me. It would make me feel awkward.
4. six pack - Doesn't matter.
5. long or short hair - Doesn't matter.
6. glasses – Doesn't matter.
7. piercings – Doesn't matter.
8. scars - Doesn't make a difference.
9. eyebrows - Doesnt matter.
10. big butt or little- Doesn't matter.
11. chest hair – Doesn't matter.
12. buff or skinny- ...Doesn't really matter.
13. straight teeth, gap, or braces – Hahaha, It doesn't really matter.
14. funny or serious- I like it when he knows when to be serious and when to be funny.
15. party or stay at home- Stay at home.
16. should he cook or bake- Haha, doesn't make a difference.
17. should he have a best friend - ha... I'd be his best friend.
18. should he have a lotta girlfriends – It doesn't matter as long as he's faithful to me.
19. outgoing or shy - Outgoingish.
20. sarcastic or sincere - Sincere, but some sarcasm is always fun. ;D
21. should he love his mother? – Yes.
22. should he watch chick flicks? – Doesn't matter.
23. would he be a smoker? – Preferably not.
24. would he drink? – Yes, no, I don't care.
25. would he swear? – Sure.
26. would he play with your hair?- Uh... I'd be like "dude, what are you doing?" I don't like touchy feely guys. unless it's fun.
27. one or more girls at a time – One. I won't date an unfaithful person.
28. would he pay for dates? – nah. plus, we won't go out on dates that often... We'd hang out at home and watch movies and ride.
29.does he kiss on the first date?- If he wants to.
30. where would you go to dinner? – My house or his house. I don't like going out that much, I'd rather stay home.
31. would he bring you flowers?- Nah.. too cheesy. Just bring yourself.
32. would he lay under the stars with you? - Absolutely. I love that. It's so much fun.
33. would he write poetry about you? – Haha, if he wanted to.. I suppose.
34. would he call you hunny, sweetie, or baby? – Sure. But don't proceed to kiss my neck or hold my hips after. It's so cliche and so fake. just... be... yourself.
35. would he hang out with you and YOUR friends? - If he really wanted to. I wouldn't torture him.
36.would you hang out with him and his friends? - Yeah.
37. will he walk you to the door at the end? – Nah. you can drop me off wherevah you want. ...ha.
38. holding hands – Eh... if you really want to. I think it's cheesy sometimes.
39. soccer – whatever.
40. baseball – ^
41. basketball - ^
42. football – ^
43. water – ^
44. surf – ^
45. skateboard- ^
46. snowboard- ^
47. sing – ^
48. play guitar - ^
49. play piano – ^
50. play drums- ^
51. clean his room – ^
52. paint, draw, sculpt – ^
53. writes his own music – ^
54. use the word dude – ^
55. use the word tight – ^
56. would he watch the sun rise with you - Sure.
57. what kind of car does he drive- Whatever he can afford. A truck would be nice. We could have a snack and a beer on the tailgate in the field. ;D
58. how old is he – Doesn't matter.
59. what would his name be - Josh Miller.

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:: 2004 22 November :: 9.41 pm
:: Mood: devastated

so i have some good news... and some... not so great news.

My report card came back and it's great. I'm passing everything by at least 11 points which is incredible, for me. My mom's thrilled with it and that's cool. Hopefully my mom can ride tomorrow. She's having so much fun riding again.

and now for the... not so good news. My mom got a patient today, a sweet young couple. They have an unborn baby, Cheyanne. They came in because they noticed a decrease in movement. My mom did the ultrasound and it turns out the baby is dead. God, it's so horrible. I can't even imagine what they must be feeling. My hopes and prayers are out to them. Tomorrow my mom gets to deliver the body. ...great.

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:: 2004 22 November :: 7.31 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: [Some Beach]

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:: 2004 21 November :: 8.49 pm
:: Mood: blah

as I was saying... yeah, tomorrow after school I have to fit a girl to a saddle we have for sale and then give her a lesson on C-Man. I think she's gonna ride him in the beginner division in '05. I hope it works out, cause Cowboy's a picky horse. He chooses his riders, they don't choose him. Not just anyone gets on a pre-lim horse. ;D and trust me, if he doesn't want you on his back... he'll let ya know. xD This girl's pretty experienced though, so I think she can handle him. I mean, hell... I had a beginner rider on him... never ridden any horse ever before in her life... and she went on to win the State Championships on him. Then I put a WORLD FAMOUS dressage trainer... Mike Shaffer on his back, and he acted like he's never been saddled before and totally took off and bucked his little hiney off. hey man... I dunno. He's just Cowboy. xD ... i love that horse.

charlotte was great for my mom today... cowboy was a freak in the beginning and dragged me across the field. (i was on the ground..) I don't know what he was spooking at but Jesus he wouldn't stop. Charlotte just stood there like a little precious while my mom goes "I don't think we should be doing this!" ...lmao.

Tomorrow I get to work whackjob because my mom decided to feed early... and by the time she was done eating it was too dark to ride in the outdoor. so... beh. Tomorrow after I give Laura her lesson i'll hop on her.

Sunny hasn't been ridden in... 5 days... and ... wow. Yeah I should get back on him, definately. He gets fatter every day... xD

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:: 2004 21 November :: 8.23 pm
:: Mood: awake

Cman got front shoes on yesterday and charlotte got fronts and pads... which is awesome. We went on a two hour trail ride with the two... that was awesome. My mom rode two horses in one day... how crazy! haha... Julian and Charlotte.... sweet. I rode Julian and Cowboy today. I was GOING to ride Bliss, but instead, I got side-tracted cleaning out the barn. Uhm... Don Vito.

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