I'm sorry it took me so long to come around...

I'm sorry it took me so long to come around...

:: 2005 6 June :: 7.05 am
:: Mood: aggravated

Today was so fucking real. And I don't like it one bit. Okay so I wake up at 8, right.... Hottest day of the entire year. 101 degrees. Woah buddy. So like... George is all on my tail while I'm trying to get stuff done, as usual, just kinda figured it was your average day. He's giving me bullshit about wearing long sleeves indoors with the air conditioner on, and telling me to help him with fencing while i'm in the middle of cleaning out stalls. So I'm getting really pissed. I woke up depressed today. I was on the verge of tears for no reason. So I go inside, right? And I grab my phone, right? And I see that my mom called me twice from work. So I'm like alright... and on my way outside to finish stalls I called her and was like "You called?" and for some reason, George was following me the entire time I was on the phone with her, and at some point during our conversation, I started crying and I don't know why. I was like.. insane. And... I dunno, me and my mom talked for a while and then I got off the phone with her and george was standing right behind me. (I'm still crying like a baby.) So all of a sudden, scaring the shit out of me, he's IN MY FACE... screaming and was like "SO IS THAT YOUR SPOILED BRAT ROUTINE?" and I'm like "What?!" and he goes "IS THAT YOUR FUCKING SPOILED BRAT ROUTINE?" and before I could answer he was like "I BET IT IS. YOU GET UPSET SO YOU CRY TO YOUR MOM. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT WORK IS, YOU DON'T DO SHIT AROUND HERE. YOU'RE NOT OVERWORKED, YOU'RE SPOILED, YOU JUST CRY TO YOUR MOTHER ALL THE TIME. I was so afraid he was going to hit me, cause he was all in my face...and I was like... crying so hard. And I was like "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" and then he just walked away screaming and yelling, and I was like.. yelling over top of him like "FUCKING SHIT I'M LEAVING, GOD DAMN IT I FUCKING HATE IT HERE, YOU'RE A FUCKING ASS HOLE." and like... I've never cursed that bad at my stepdad, EVER. So I made a couple phone calls and I called my friend and I was like "HOLY SHIT, PICK ME UP NOW." but no one could, so I just walked and walked and walked. Then I called my mom and told her what happened and she was like "oh god" and was freaking out and told me to call places to see if i could stay somewhere overnight.... so I tried Rachel, Brielle, Josh, and Dan... no one answered... I stopped at where I work and brushed all the horses there and then kept walking... and walking... I ended up close to 7 miles from home and by then it was 1:30... IT WAS SO FUCKING HOT. 101 Degrees. Fucking shit. and I had no water, and I hadn't eaten breakfast. SO THEN.... it started to thunder and I was like "Fucking great." so I had to head back before I was caught in major weather. I got home at like.. I dunno... late. and ... went upstairs and locked myself in my room and... yeah.. HE kept coming upstairs and banging on my door saying "I THOUGHT YOU WERENT COMING BACK UNTIL TOMORROW BAHHHHHHHH" and I was like "FUCKING GO AWAY AHHHHHHHHH :cries:" and. um. yeah. and. yeah. and.... uh.... I'm fucking hungry. and... uh.... He tried to apologize to me. and I was like "WTF?" and.. yeah. so here I sit. Hungry as fuck. Bored. Cell's dead. double you tee eff. Worst day in a long time.

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:: 2005 4 June :: 5.59 pm

i n f o r m a t i o n
1. name: Casey
2. single or taken: ..taken?
3. sex: I pee sitting down.
4. birthday: June 27th
6. siblings: 7 brothers 2 sisters (combination of step and actual)
7. hair color: black, brown, red
8. eye color: brown
9. shoe size: 10
10. height: 5' 8"

r e l a t i o n s h i p s
1. who are your best friends?: Laura, Ricky, Sara, Josh, Dan, Kirk
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: ...didn't you ask this already? YES I THINK YOU DID.

f a s h i o n | s t u f f
1. where is your favorite place to shop: H&M
2. any tattoos or piercings: 13 Piercings.

s p e c i f i c s
1. do you do drugs?: No.
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: pantene, tresseme, herbal essences.
3. what are you most scared of?: Growing old, failure
5. who is the last person that called you?: My mom.
6. where do you want to get married?: I don't know.
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 43.
8. what would you change about yourself?: weight, shoe size, height, eye color, hair color.

f a v o r i t e s
1. color: gray
2. food: grapes and grapefruit.. gasp.
3. boys names: sonny, brent, ian, .
4. girls names: shayla, nevaeh, brittany, I DONT KNOW.
5. subjects in school: math, sciences
6. animals: cowsies
7. sports: horseback riding, bull riding

h a v e | y o u | e v e r
1. given anyone a bath?: ...negative.
2. smoked?: yeah.
3. bungee jumped?: never.
4. made yourself throw up?: yes.
5. skinny dipped?: yes.
6: ever been in love?: yes.
7. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: I can't fake cry.
8. pictured your crush naked?: sure.
9. actually seen your crush naked?: not my current...
10. cried when someone died?: yes?
11. lied: Mhm.
12. fallen for your best friend?: mhm.
13. been rejected?: probably.
14. rejected someone?: probably.
15. used someone?: probably.
16. done something you regret?: Yes.

c u r r e n t
clothes: cut up shorts, black studded belt, white tank top with orange... graffiti type shiznit, orange flip flops
make-up: Eyeliner... mascara...
annoyance: the dog breathing like HEH HEH HEH HEH.
smell: Nothing.
favorite group/artist: billy idol, from first to last
desktop picture: teal
book you're reading: Psh.
in cd player: senses fail - from the depths of dreams, circa survive - juturna, and brand new - deja entendu
in dvd player: video of me bull riding

l a s t | p e r s o n
you touched: laura probably
hugged: I havn't hugged someone in a long time.
you imed: jason? NO DARREN.
you yelled at: laura?
you kissed: uhhmm... i don't remember. o_0

o p p o s i t e | s e x
what attracts you: Hair and humor
last person you slow danced with: jason WAIT NO, SLATER.
makes you laugh the most: ricky & kirk & jas & i don't know!
makes you smile: kirk & ricky
who do you have a crush on: klfsgnskjnfaskj

d o | y o u | e v e r
sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to im you?: Yes.
wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: yes.
wish you were younger: sometimes, not usually.
cried because someone said something to you?: i'm sure.

N u m b e r
of times i have had my heart broken: 1.
of hearts i have broken: ?
of guys ive kissed: ...different guys? ...uh. i don't know. 15? (total guess)
of girls ive kissed: 2.
of continents you've been to?: 1.
of tight friends: 4.
of cds i own: 30something.
of scars on my body: A lot.

F i n a l | Q u e s t i o n s
1. do you like fillings these out?: When i'm bored.
2. gold or silver: Silver.
3. what was the last film you saw at the movies?: saw.
7. favorite cartoon/anime?: Hey Arnold.
8. what did you have for breakfast this morning?: I don't eat breakfast.
10. who would you love being locked in a room with?: matt/from first to last. ...i'd go down on him. kirk, because i'd have fun. laura, cause she'd go insane and it would be funny. jason... cause i'd ... i don't know.
11. could you live without your computer?: Probably not.
12. would you color your hair? Psh yeah, I do all the time.
13. could you ever get off the computer?: When i sleep.
14. habla espanol? Si.
15. how many people are on your buddy list?: 47+27+30+10+35=whatever
16. drink alcohol? yes

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:: 2005 1 June :: 10.26 pm

Amazing..

Its 4 AM x: I'm so tired i'm going to cry. hahah..
merr3834: Then go to bed.
merr3834: Don't stay up if it's just for me.
Its 4 AM x: I'm too tired to.. get up... and go up the stairs... make that sharp left turn, walk down the hall, open my door, close it, and jump into bed.
merr3834: You know I'd carry you if I were there.
Its 4 AM x: you know i'd cry if you were here
merr3834: You know I'd wipe the tears.
Its 4 AM x: you know i'd sleep with you.
merr3834: You know I'd love it.
Its 4 AM x: you know i'd wrap my arms around you and put my head on your chest, cause that's what i do.
merr3834: You know I'd lay there and let you listen to my heart beat.
Its 4 AM x: you know you know i love that.
merr3834: You don't know how much I just want to hold you. and make sure you're real. because right now you seem way too good to be true.

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:: 2005 31 May :: 3.00 am
:: Mood: amused

Definately my favorite person to talk to on the phone. Of everyone. Anyone. Hahahah, he's so flippin' great. And the silences aren't even awkward silences like they are with everyone else. They're like... "wow." silences. I don't know, they make me smile. Like after he says something funny... we laugh... then it's silent for like.. 2 seconds. Then one of us breaks in with a "wow..." or something like that. HAHAHA! I can't get enough. Too cool. Too funny.

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:: 2005 27 May :: 7.02 am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Coheed & Cambria - Delerium Trigger [Second Stage Turbine Blade]

Oh girrrrrrl, life's so CRAZY!

Lets start with today and work our way backwards since I'm a dyslexic bitch. I saw Dan today working at the A&P, and he punched me in the arm, but I was in the middle of a conversation, so I didn't get him back... but when I was leaving, I saw him PUSHING THE CARTS IN LIKE THE TART THAT HE IS... so I ran over to him and punched him "like a girl" as he said, and was satisfied. Ah, I love that kid, he's so awesome. =]
I didn't do much of anything today... Hable por la computadora con Kirk y Jason... I talked on the computer with jason and kirk and... just kinda... sat around, then realized that... I was uber late for spanish class. I put bright red... like... crayon red streaks in my hair cause I was bored... They look funky. and... they're permanent so double you tee eff. uhh... I don't have any batteries in my camera... so ... I Can't show you. I wish I could, though.
On a side note... I think I should re-start my medication... take them all out of my underwear drawer where I've been hiding them and start... but instead of one daily, I'm going to take two, just because all they're giving me is 10mg, which is essentially nothing... 20mg is the next step up... I'll just go for it and shoot for that, maybe that will make a difference... I don't know... I just noticed that I've been losing energy and interest in stuff lately, so I want to see if dropping my meds had anything to do with it... probably...
I really wanted to go see Circa Survive on July 12th, but I don't think that's going to happen cause my mom doesnt want to drive all the way to Poughskepie NY. ...sadness. By the way, the link's there... go check them out, thanks.
I have a really strong emptiness now that I've left Keith's... The guys (and girls) treated me like the friends I've never had... they were so fucking funny and so nice and... yeah... they were just really cool. Now I miss them. and Keith. oh well. I'll see Keith soon though.. =]
Nowwwww... I think I'm going to try to give Kirk a call because I owe it to him since I haven't talked to him on the phone in...... ever? hahaha, even though I leave him really nice messages. :grin:

Anyways... holla at yer girl.
..or not.
Later.

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:: 2005 23 May :: 6.57 pm
:: Mood: blah

Out there, life is normal. In here, I'm hiding for my life. If things weren't like this, my life would be like hers. ...I'm beset with envy. Why am I this way? Why can't I be like her? Being here is just creating an even more dangerous situation for everyone... that's why everyone wants me to leave. I feel like everyone truly dislikes me. Nobody at all cares if I survive this. No one but me. I want to live.

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:: 2005 18 May :: 10.38 pm
:: Mood: aggravated

Note, Bitches: I changed the journal's password. I hope the point has been sufficiently ground in, that my private entries are my private area and it is not to be dragged into the world. ...But feel free to email or IM me with whatever criticism you like, and I will cheerfully tell you where and how far up to stuff it.

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:: 2005 18 May :: 10.21 pm

DESCRIBE YOUR:
[Wallet]: I now have a purse. I never had anything, but I gave in and finally got a purse. It's black. and ... just... cute.
[Hairbrush]: i don't own one.
[Cologne/Perfume]: Body sprays, fool.
[CD in stereo right now]: Co&Ca - Second Stage Turbine Blade, Senses Fail - From The Depths of Dreams, Circa Survive - Juturna
[Piercing(s)]: 13.. ears.
[What you are wearing now]: long sleeve Thor shirt.. it's... brown... with... white and yellow writing... and... capris.. just.. cut-offs, really... uhm... slippers.
[Hair]: its... in a high messy bun thing... and... hair's everywhere.
[In my head]: Circa Survive's song.. Act Apalled.
[Wishing]: KIRK WAS OVER.
[After this]: sleep. totally.
[Talking to]: Kirk, Brian, Katie, Laura
[Eating]: my ... cheek?
[The last thing you ate?]: a twizzler.
[Something that you are deathly afraid of?]: failure, mostly.
[Do you like candles]: no, they scare me.
[Do you like incense]: no, they scare me even more.
[Do you believe in love]: Yes.
[Do you believe in soul mates]: Yes.
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: semi.
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: Yes, otherwise I'd be a hypocrite. I don't know how many times I've been forgiven, and how many time's I have forgiven someone.
[What are 3 places you wouldn't mind relocating to?]: Colorado, Arizona... Colorado, haha.
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: Myself.
[Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?]: Meeshmoo.

In the last 24 hours, have you:
01. Cried: uhm... come to think of it, yes.
02. Bought something: yes.
03. Gotten sick: i've been sick for the past 3 weeks.
04. Sang: Yes, Natalie Imbrugla.

Social Life:
01. Best girl friend(s): Laura, Sara, Brielle
02. Best guy friend(s): Josh, Dan, Ricky, Jimmy, Brandon
03. Current dating partner: negative, wishful thinking.
04. Hobbies: you all know.
05. Pager/Cell: 908 797 2825
06. Are you center of attention or the wallflower?: I try to be the fucking wallflower but then my mind does something stupid and everyone pays attention.
07. What type automobile do you drive?: 96 Ram 3500... navy blue. ...but I just borrow it. It's my stepdads. I'm looking at others.
08. Would you rather be with friends or on a date?: be with friends.
09. Where is the best hangout?: at the rodeo or just... anywhere.
10. Do you have a job?: yes.
11. Do you attend church?: yes.
12. Do you like being around people?: not normally.

Friends/Peers:
Who:
01. Have you known the longest: Sara
02. Do you argue the most with: Josh
03. Do you always get along with: Laura
04. Is the trust worthiest: Ricky
05. Makes you laugh the most: Ricky
06. Has been there through all the hard times: Josh... I love you babes.
07. Has the coolest parents: RACHEL! I LOVE HER MOM!
08. Has the coolest siblings: RACHEL!
09. Is the most blunt: Definately Rach.
10. Is the smartest: Ricky

Personal:
01. Who is your role model: Mike Lee, Adriano Moraes
02. What are some of your pet peeves: hypocrites, cowards, blatantly dumb girls, feminine girly girls, touchy feelyness, blinking a lot

11. Ever liked your best guy/girl friend: yeah... that was the worst time in my life.

do your parents like your friends?: yeah, love em.
do your friends like your parents?: mostly.
who have you known the longest of your friends?: Sara.
have the best time with?: Josh, Rachel
who's the loudest?: JESUS GOD, SARA!
who's the shyest?: none of them are shy.
funniest?: josh, ricky.
craziest?: Josh, sara, me
smartest?: Joshua, Richard
sweetest?: Josh, ricky
tallest?: Ricky... how sad is that? 5' 10"...
shortest?: SARA.
who do you go to for advice?: Always Ricky. Always. Love you sweetheart.
who do you cry with?: myself...?

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