:: 2005 15 April :: 12.25 pm
:: Mood: blah

This weekend is going to be chaotic, so I'm pre-apologizing for the lack of posts you won't see in the next 3 days.

Today would be friday, and I'm now home.
You don't even want to know what went down last night.
If you care to know, you know what to do.

I have to get a lot of stuff done today, and FUCK I just realized I have class at 2:30. Damn. It. Okay, well after class, Laura is coming over and I have to give her a riding lesson and... ahh... We'll be working until 8:00... and... wha? Yeah... something else... I don't know.

Saturday, tomorrow, I'm going to be busy packing and getting ready for Sunday cause I have a horse show at DelVal with Cowboy... Also I gotta give him a bath... Then we're going to Btown to look at the filly we're bringing home... gah. Then.. whatever.

Sunday.. show.. not going to be home.

Later.

Dan!


... I love you! ;D

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:: 2005 14 April :: 8.55 pm
:: Mood: weird

l Caught FlRE: wanna know the saddest thing thats ever happened to me?
Braiinphreeze: wut
l Caught FlRE: don't laugh at the strange circumstances
Braiinphreeze: ok i promise
l Caught FlRE: well..
l Caught FlRE: i went to my psychotherapy appointment on um...
l Caught FlRE: monday?
l Caught FlRE: no tuesday.
l Caught FlRE: yeah... so
Braiinphreeze: mm hm
l Caught FlRE: I was a little early... so before i went into her office i was like "i gotta piss." so... yeah... I went to go find the bathroom
l Caught FlRE: and i found it...
Braiinphreeze: mm hm..
l Caught FlRE: and in my back pocket i had pictures of me and josh together... that I had printed out to show my therapist
l Caught FlRE: cause she wanted to see him
l Caught FlRE: and uhh
l Caught FlRE: so
l Caught FlRE: I walked into the bathroom
l Caught FlRE: and the second I stepped in there
l Caught FlRE: the first
l Caught FlRE: thing that I smelled
l Caught FlRE: was mambo
l Caught FlRE: I don't know where it came from, or who had it, or why it was in the girls bathroom
l Caught FlRE: but it was josh
l Caught FlRE: and i cried so fucking hard
l Caught FlRE: it was really strange

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:: 2005 14 April :: 8.51 pm

If you have any morality, you'll read the entire thing.

l Caught FlRE: you make me want to call you dumb.
l Caught FlRE: but I won't do that. because I'm nice.
Twinn Of Chaos: i am dumb.
l Caught FlRE: well if you'd like me to agree...
Twinn Of Chaos: i'd like you to be honest
Twinn Of Chaos: despite the fact that you have no idea -why- i am dumb.
l Caught FlRE: I'm an honest person.
Twinn Of Chaos: i'm sure
l Caught FlRE: are you always so sure?
l Caught FlRE: I wish I was you sometimes
l Caught FlRE: ..sometimes
l Caught FlRE: I'd give anything to be 'sure' of anything.
Twinn Of Chaos: why would anyone want to be me? i don't even want to be me.
l Caught FlRE: because you're sure.
l Caught FlRE: i'd give anything.
Twinn Of Chaos: sometimes faking sureness has the same effect as actually being sure.
l Caught FlRE: why would you fake being sure? to out-wit your competitor?
l Caught FlRE: in this case, me?
Twinn Of Chaos: in some instances
l Caught FlRE: although, I should re-phrase that... because I'm not.
l Caught FlRE: competing... at all
l Caught FlRE: I'm simply wishing you wouldn't write those things in your away message
l Caught FlRE: it makes people want to coo over you.
l Caught FlRE: Some people like attention
l Caught FlRE: I guess I have to get over that
Twinn Of Chaos: write what things?
l Caught FlRE: I'm not calling you an attention seeker either, so don't get angry with me
l Caught FlRE: that's the last thing I'd call someone in your situation.
Twinn Of Chaos: i'm not angry, merely curious
Twinn Of Chaos: i don't have a "situation"
l Caught FlRE: of?
l Caught FlRE: You don't have a situation?
Twinn Of Chaos: what i wrote in my away message that you didn't like
Twinn Of Chaos: no... i'm almost sure i don't. almost.
Twinn Of Chaos: not that i can think of, anyway.
l Caught FlRE: dove, I call being a 15 year old girl in this crazy messed up world... a situation.
l Caught FlRE: This place is so fucked up.. and so screwed over... and you're in the middle of it.
l Caught FlRE: just like I am
l Caught FlRE: this... is a situation
Twinn Of Chaos: true, if you're thinking on that level
l Caught FlRE: What level am I on comparing to yours?
l Caught FlRE: I'm no higher or lower than you are
l Caught FlRE: we're both 15 or so...
Twinn Of Chaos: yes
l Caught FlRE: we both know what it is to bleed and fight... and we're both chicks.
l Caught FlRE: and we both live here.
l Caught FlRE: ...merely fortunate, I'd say
Twinn Of Chaos: i'd agree
l Caught FlRE: ...so we're not on much different levels, are we?
l Caught FlRE: or am I still not coming across?
Twinn Of Chaos: no, you're coming in clear
l Caught FlRE: glad you understand.
l Caught FlRE: You remember me, yes?
Twinn Of Chaos: yes
l Caught FlRE: good... just stopped by to keep you in tune.
l Caught FlRE: I wouldn't want to see anything happen to you.
Twinn Of Chaos: what are you talking about?
l Caught FlRE: what are you talking about?
Twinn Of Chaos: i'm confused.
Twinn Of Chaos: well, no.
l Caught FlRE: why?
Twinn Of Chaos: i'm not sure if you are referring to anything specifically that you may think is happening to me.
l Caught FlRE: does talking about life confuse you?
l Caught FlRE: anything can happen to you, dove. You could die right now, for all we know.
l Caught FlRE: intentionally or not.
Twinn Of Chaos: i know, but i wouldn't be too upset if it did
Twinn Of Chaos: there's a time and place for everyone
l Caught FlRE: and no matter how far you turn from it, you wouldn't leave the friends you have... they keep you going.
l Caught FlRE: you and I both know that, and I don't even know you personally.
Twinn Of Chaos: you seem to
l Caught FlRE: I wish I did
l Caught FlRE: you're a cool mother fucker
l Caught FlRE: but I don't.
l Caught FlRE: so I'm not going to start a sob story
l Caught FlRE: I'm probably just not supposed to know you
l Caught FlRE: let alone watch over you
l Caught FlRE: but I do it anyway.
l Caught FlRE: because I'm nice.
Twinn Of Chaos: do you do this for a lot of people, or am i special?
l Caught FlRE: nah... I've done it once before to some stupid twat who needed to realize that life's a tad to borderline to fuck around with wanting to end it.
l Caught FlRE: you'd be lucky number two.
Twinn Of Chaos: is there anything that i need to realize
l Caught FlRE: except in this case, you're not a stupid twat, you're just un-educated..
Twinn Of Chaos: in what sense
l Caught FlRE: in the sense that ... lifes a tad too borderline to fuck around with wanting to end it.
Twinn Of Chaos: oh, i don't want to end it
l Caught FlRE: but you're not a stupid twat about it.
Twinn Of Chaos: i just want to start it over.
Twinn Of Chaos: why thank you
l Caught FlRE: who tells you that you get the chance?
Twinn Of Chaos: no one. i know that i don't. but there's no hurt in dreaming
l Caught FlRE: this... second chance that you speak of?
Twinn Of Chaos: it doesn't exist.
l Caught FlRE: yeah, but dream sense and reality are two totally opposite things.
Twinn Of Chaos: I’m beginning to realize that
l Caught FlRE: and I can easily see you confusing mentality with reality and ending things right now
l Caught FlRE: you can say you won't
l Caught FlRE: fuck... I did.
l Caught FlRE: so did my brother, but he wasn't quick enough to separate the two, and now he’s gone.
l Caught FlRE: keep your filter going..
Twinn Of Chaos: tragic. and i don't mean that sarcastically. i mean that tragedies make us realize things, and maybe i haven't gone through mine yet.
Twinn Of Chaos: though if i did have to die, today would be a pretty convenient time
l Caught FlRE: ...which... is why I'm trying to make you realize it now.
Twinn Of Chaos: ah, well, like you said, you don't know me personally, so how would you know my circumstances?
l Caught FlRE: because you don't have the chance when your lying in a pool of your own blood while your own mother, who you thought didn't love you like she said she did, sits over you crying and begging to God for your life back.
l Caught FlRE: ...figuratively speaking.
Twinn Of Chaos: of course.
l Caught FlRE: I don't know your circumstances at all.
l Caught FlRE: in the least..
l Caught FlRE: your away message simply provoked me.
l Caught FlRE: not necessarily in a bad way..
Twinn Of Chaos: it wasn't quite like it sounded
l Caught FlRE: well in that case, I'm sorry to have bothered you.
Twinn Of Chaos: but hey, tomorrow i'm supposed to have sex with a stupid mexican i don't even like. so, i'd say that this is a pretty good excuse.
Twinn Of Chaos: i'm not bothered
Twinn Of Chaos: but i'm not dead either.
Twinn Of Chaos: just because you're bleeding doesn't mean you're dead.
l Caught FlRE: ...and just because you're dead, doesn't mean your bleeding.
l Caught FlRE: what's your point?
l Caught FlRE: life snowballs, unfortunately
l Caught FlRE: unless you can catch up to it
Twinn Of Chaos: i'm not making a point. only excuses for my own pathetic uncontrollable behavior.
Twinn Of Chaos: i know.
l Caught FlRE: ah, don't make excuses for your actions... make reasons.
Twinn Of Chaos: i wish i had reasons
l Caught FlRE: you do have reasons.
l Caught FlRE: you just don't know what they are, yet.
l Caught FlRE: that's chill..
Twinn Of Chaos: exactly. so i'm not so sure after all.
l Caught FlRE: wow, how ghetto of me.
l Caught FlRE: no, you're not.
l Caught FlRE: good...
l Caught FlRE: you're catching on
l Caught FlRE: I like you.. a lot. You’re an extremely intelligent girl
l Caught FlRE: easy to work with.

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:: 2005 13 April :: 9.20 pm
:: Mood: dirty
:: Music: [Drugs or Jesus]

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:: 2005 11 April :: 7.11 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: [Old School Green Day]

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:: 2005 10 April :: 10.22 am
:: Mood: crappy

I don't think theres a single person out there who could ever feel... or could ever understand how I feel about Josh. I think no matter how much his sluts at school say "Oh Josh I love you so much baby!" they could never mean it as much as I ever have. She's a 14 year old chick who doesn't even know what love means. Love isn't being with someone for a year, breaking up, and the next day fucking someone else. I'm not ashamed to say that I am in fact jealous, but I don't think jealous is the exact word. I think it's frustrated... and ... just... I wish he could see things from my perspective. I wish he could feel what I'm feeling and know how bad he's dragging me down. He's killing me, I swear to fucking God he's killing me. Wether he knows it or not. He wonders why I'm so afraid to even kiss him. No one knows why... no one can explain it except myself. I'm afraid to kiss him because I feel like her. I feel like Shaylin. I feel like I'm just someone that he can fuck around with, no matter how much he says hes in love with me. Respect her? He can say he does all he wants, but I know he has no respect for her. I know she's just another girl to kiss. And have fun with. I'm sorry, but my view on this was totally not what he was seeing I guess. Him and I were on two different levels, and his is never going to back down. I've tried so fucking hard to show him how much I love him... I just don't understand it. If he knows that I am in love with him, and he says he's in love with me, (which I now know is a bunch of fucking bullshit), then why would he go and kiss other people? Romantically? Why the fuck do guys have to be like that? Why the fuck can't they just realize that I have fucking feelings and that yes, I am going to fucking care, and fucking bleed, and fucking cry, and fucking hate the fact that you LIE to me? He'll never change. He was meant to be with lots of people. He was never meant to be in a relationship. I just wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.



Fuck.....................

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:: 2005 10 April :: 10.13 am
:: Mood: crushed

you can't jump the track... we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. no one can find the rewind button girl, so just... cradle your head in your hands... and breathe.

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:: 2005 7 April :: 9.22 pm
:: Mood: blah

Well you're a real hot cookie with a new hairdo, your high heel boots, and your credit card, long legs and a mini skirt, yeah... you know what works, and you work it hard. You smile like such a lady... innocent and sweet. You drive the men folk crazy, but any girl can see you're just a homewrecker. I know what you're doing. You think you're gonna ruin what I got, But you're not. Yeah, you little go getter... I'll teach you a lesson if you get to messin with my man... You don't stand a chance. No, you're just a homewrecker. I'm sure you waited for a long, long time to find a man like mine, but honey you're too late. So before you go and make your move, maybe me and you should get a few things straight. There's two ways we can do this. I'll let you decide. You can take it somewhere else, or we can take it outside, you little homewrecker. Now honey, I'm a Christian, but if you keep it up, I'm gonna go to kickin' your pretty little butt. Is that clear enough?

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:: 2005 6 April :: 10.12 pm
:: Mood: busy

I met a guy on a Red Eye, he spotted my guitar and said "What do you do?" I said, "I sing for a living. ..Country music mixed with a little rock and a little blues." He said, "I’m sorry but I’ve never been crazy ‘bout that twang and trains and hillbilly things. Whatever made you want to sing stuff like that?" I just looked at him and laughed and said, "Cause it’s songs about me and who I am. Songs about loving and living, and good hearted women, family and God. ..Yeah they’re all just songs about me."

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:: 2005 6 April :: 3.43 pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: [MG] - [Speed]

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