this journal is friends only

this journal is friends only

:: 2008 17 December :: 11.53am
:: Music: "Love you till the end" by: The Pogues

8 More Days!!!
It's nearing closer and closer. And it's getting hellish at stores and malls.

Speaking of hellish, last night, me and my mom left to go to Muskegon at about 10 o' clock, and usually it takes us 45 minutes to get there...well, we were driving in a snow storm. It was hell frozen over on earth! It took us an hour and a half just to get there. And on the way there, we had a couple scares. Mom could not see the middle of the road, or where the side of the road ended, so we were basically just guessing on where we were supposed to drive. Then, the speed limit on the road we take is usually around 60 mph, well, we were only going 35, and some guy came up on our ass, at about 70 mph, went around us, and left us in a shit ton of stirred up snow, and that blinded us. The majority of the street lights were not turned on, so it looked like star wars out there with the snow flying directly into our windshield. Well, when we got to Doug's Grandma's house, we stayed for a little bit, and we would have stayed over and slept there if Doug didn't have to work, but then we were off. We had to go to Wal-Mart to get cereal, milk, dog/cat food, "white elephant gifts" for the kids' church, and something for lunch for Doug to have. We got all of that....and then some. And on top of it all, mom wasted a few dollars trying to grab stuff in the crane machine. HaHa. Well, the ride home wasn't as bad, but it was still pretty bad. And we were actually kind of surprised that the kids had school today. I mean, we were, cos of the weather and the roads, but we also weren't because this new super intendent is a dick. Yeah. But, we didn't make it home until about 1:30am. And I had to clear off the back of the van and help put away groceries on top of it. So, I didn't get to bed until 2am. Which is when Doug wakes up for work. I have to say, it was the first night in a very long time where I didn't get a headache the next day. So, I am happy that today I am not going to be depending on Excedrin or Aspirin. But, I have a feeling that might change once Ava gets home. She was kind of cranky this morning, but, I hope she got better during school. Then, I also have to clean up the dining room and clean out our back closet, which is a mountain of shoes and coats. But, it's better than the chores I had to do two days ago. Which included cleaning behind the toilet. Gahh. Gross. But the funny thing is, I would rather do gross stuff like that, than the dishes. HaHa.

But, I think that is enough from me. Bye for now.

-Samm d'Massacre!

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acidtears

:: 2008 16 December :: 12.33pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: "If I ever leave this world alive" by: Flogging Molly

9 more days..
It's 9 more days until Christmas, my favourite Holiday EVER. It's funny because I used to be all about Halloween, and I went to the complete opposite and went to Christmas. I think it might have always been my favourite, but I never realised it. Yet again, back when Halloween was my favourite Holiday I was into darker things. But, I should let you know, Christmas isn't my favourite Holiday for the religious reason. Not at all. I am an Atheist, so, I don't believe that mumbo jumbo about Jesus and what not. For me, it's the traditions we have as a family, and it's probably the happiest day for my family. Not because of the presents or the food, it's because we are all finally together. There's not as much bickering and fighting, which when it comes to the younger kids it is partially because of presents and food, but when it comes down to me and my mom and Step Dad, it's the family time.

So, it's in just a little over a week. And I am torn because I cannot wait for Christmas day, but at the same time, I don't want the anticipation to end. I like keeping the decorations up, and I love making the cookies and putting the frosting on them, I love Having the lights out at night and the only thing going is the tree and decorative lights in the dining room, I like the Candy Canes and Hot Cocoa. I love the feeling I get when I look out the window with a cup of tea or hot cocoa in my hand and I all I see is gorgeous white snow. I like the wreaths that are hung up on the door. I like making my Wintry welcome signs. I love waking up Christmas morning and seeing all of the kids smiling and laughing. I like the traditional Christmas morning Cinnamon Rolls and Coffee we have. If I could, I would live in that damn Christmas Land in "The Nigthmare Before Christmas". HaHa. I'm a dork and I am aware of it. But, hey, at least I am fine and content with that fact. Pretty Proud of it actually.

But, here comes my Christmas countdown. So, if you are grouchy around this time of year, hide your eyes from my blog. Because I can almost guarantee these posts will have at least one thing about Christmas in them for the next 9 days.

But, a grumpy little Three year old needs my help with getting colouring pictures set up. Bye.

-Samm

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twiggypuff

:: 2008 16 December :: 12.30am

Mmm.. I LOVE how Regina makes me feel.
All over in my bones and soul.

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acidtears

:: 2008 8 December :: 11.23pm
:: Mood: productive

Don't mean to flip flop..
But I am sick of feeling angry towards my dad. I am tired of feeling like all he does is blow the chances I give him. Once again, do not mean to flip flop, but I am done. I really am. And not done as in finished with him. I think me and him just need to have a heart to heart. No, he is not the easiest person to talk to, in fact, he is the hardest person I know of to talk to. About anything. Unless it's cars, Harley's, Tattoos, Music, or whatever else he is into. But, I really am just exhausted with this whole mess. And so I believe now it is time to clean it up. Try my best to make things work. Make things decent at the least. Any step forward would be better than this, right now. I think I am doing the mature thing, and also the best thing for us both. I don't want to have a bad relationship with my dad. I don't want the only things I say about him to be bad ones. I would really hate it if me and him ended up in the future with no communication or relationship with each other. I want to hear things from him first hand. Not from extended family members or my siblings. I don't want to look back on this and think "Why didn't I just talk to him about how I was feeling?".

So I am making the decision to talk it out.
"I think you guys just need to sit down and hash all of this stuff out"...I think you're right, Mom. And I trust you. So I am going to.

No more angry blogs about my father...I hope anyways.

Wish me luck.

-Samm

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acidtears

:: 2008 6 December :: 6.24pm
:: Music: "Bad Influence" By: Pink

Good times..
After hearing about my bad night, I am greatful to say I have a great friend who was willing to brave the storms to come out to my house. Jess, thank you so much. That made me night. And once again, I'm sorry I wasn't able to make it to your Birthday dinner. But, it was the first time in a LONG time you stayed at my house. First time in a long time anyone has stayed at my house. I had a good time. And usually you stay awake way after I go to sleep, haha. But, like you said, you were running on an hour of sleep. So, I can't really blame you for passing out as soon as I put the blanket on you. We didn't go anywhere, other than the store and Burger King, but we had alot of fun. We watched "Ghost Adventures" and made fun of the guy doing the show. "Are you touching me right now, Raymond?" "I don't care, I hate snakes. If I see one, I don't even care. I'm running away and screaming like a girl. I hate snakes." "No one should go out that way..in a shower...or naked." "Our gift to you is Aaron." "What the hell dude!" Good times, good times.

I want you to know I really appreciate you coming over last night. If it wasn't for you, I probably would have a horrible night. Thank you and I love you!

-Samm

P.S.- Thank you for the King Size Reese's Cups, Some of your Hershey's Bar, and what was left of your small fries.

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acidtears

:: 2008 5 December :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: "It's all your fault" By: Pink

Father dearest,
It hurt on Monday when we saw each other at Brie's concert and you didn't say hi to me, or even acknowledge I was there. But, it's just getting ridiculous. I am going to let loose right now, because everyone who knows about you, knows I need to. You ignored me all night at Brianna's Choir Concert. No hi, no wave, nada. Okay, whatever, maybe you wanted to get in the Auditorium quick to get a seat. Fine. But, afterwards, you give all of the other kids a hug and say you love them and goodbye. What did I get? I'll tell you. A cold shoulder. If this is about me and dropping out of High School and getting my GED, you don't have to fucking treat me like I just told you I was addicted to heroin. You barely look at me, you don't say a word, until tonight.

Dad: So, you're not going then I take it?
Samm: No, I'm not feeling great right now, I have to help with Ava, and I have plans with Jess this weekend.
Dad: *Corners Samm* Are you mad at Allison[1]or something?!
Samm: Umm, no, why the hell would I be?
Dad: You didn't say anything to her all night Monday at Brie's concert.
Samm: I said hi and had a WHOLE conversation even about hair colour.
Dad: Fine.

[1] Allison is my dad's girlfriend. Right it seems to me that maybe she is running to my dad when I don't have a whole lot to say.

I didn't like the way you cornered me and towered over me, like you used to when I was a little kid. I wanted to cry, revert back to the five year old scared of her dad. I wish my mother had spawn me and the 3 other kids with someone nicer. Someone better. Someone who wouldn't go a month or so without a phone call or visit.

I would never pull the trigger,
But I have cried wolf a thousand times,
I wish you could feel as bad as I do,
I have lost my mind.

Alot of my blogs are about you. But, I wish that for once I could have a good blog about you. You crush that hope all the time. Right now, you are treating me like a disease. "Stay away from her, don't touch, barely talk to her, and don't really look at her". This damn song is on repeat. Because parts of it remind me of you. I wish we could have a good relationship. But, I am done trying. I'm the one making the attempt, and when I try to find common ground with you, you say "hmm, hmmph, uh huh, ok". Your usual responses. Like my ideas are stupid. And sorry to say this; Wait, strike that. Fuck being sorry. I'm done with that. But, frankly, your girlfriend, Allison, seems a bit stuck up. She tips her nose up everytime she's around us. Everytime I bring up a thought, she makes me feel stupid. With her polite frown and "hmm" remarks. Maybe thats why you think we didn't talk that night. I was doing the talking, she was just saying "hmm". One way conversation. I mean come on, why her? Now Brooke, she was the best. We were like friends, her and I. Her parents(I still call them Grandma and Grandpa Miller to this day) took us bowling, to karaoke, etc. Her dad was awesome. We all watched NASCAR together, he got me those "Metal Edge" magazines I loved, they both spoiled us. What happened? Fuck that up to?

You know Dad, I want you to be happy. But, lately, I just want you to feel half of the hurt I feel. So, if you are going to continue to ignore me, treat me like shit, make me feel like a horrible person, guilt trip me, etc..... then don't come back for me every other weekend. I want someone who is supportive, understanding, caring, loving, funny, genuinely nice, etc. for a dad. You try. But, you can't wear that mask forever. You can't pretend to be a family guy who loves to spend time with his kids. Because come on man, we know thats not true. Or, if it was, you wouldn't ditch them for concerts, parties, bowling, and, oh of course...Allison. Don't worry about me anymore. The tears will evaporate, my smile will come back..brighter than ever. And it won't be my dear old dad who gave me the thousand watt smile. It will be my mom. Because she is the definition of a parent. You are the guy who likes to pretend he doesn't have kids. Especially me because I am a High school drop out who had a pregnancy scare. Sorry we aren't all as perfect as you. Bye.

-Samm

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acidtears

:: 2008 5 December :: 11.59am
:: Mood: gahh
:: Music: "Bad Influence" By: Pink

I'm so glad..
He makes everything seem at least a little better. Everything seems less complicated while the other guy is IMing and saying I am wrong. I guess maybe I am. Oh, maybe you are a sweet, innocent guy. Or, maybe(more like probably) not. And when I finally say to you that I'm done, you come back at me with "Not the first person to say that". Maybe because you push people away without realizing it. Maybe it's because you treat girls like they are just some prostitute you picked up from the streets. Maybe because you don't even know when you're doing it. Deny, Deny, Deny all you want. I'm done. Honestly. Completely. Fed up. Things seemed okay, for a little while, then I just started to ignore everything dispicable about you. I'm done ignoring them. Done pretending they don't exist. Done saying "He's not that bad". Finished. To all of you out there who support me, thanks alot. I wouldn't have been able to do it without you. Now, I am going to have a good conversation. With the guy who makes me feel like a person. Instead of the one who makes me feel like a pile of shit.

-Samm

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acidtears

:: 2008 4 December :: 10.22pm

oh god...the conversations we have..
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
want me to make a rap?
Wall flower says:
how?
Wall flower says:
whats the topic?..lol
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
hmm
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
gimme some
Wall flower says:
umm.....eric chunn
Wall flower says:
I would love to hear that rap
Wall flower says:
lol
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
erica chunn
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
you gotta have fun
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
but not in that way bro
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
thats not how you treat a ho
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
wtf are you doin
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
what are ya thinkin bro
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
thats all i got
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
lol
Wall flower says:
it makes me laugh...I like it
Wall flower says:
lol
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
except your not a ho
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
DUDE I GOTTA RIGHT THis SHIT DOWN!
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
it needs to be quoted

Oh boy Jake, you sure know how to make me feel better about the assholes in my life. Thank you. HaHa.

(Copyrighted by Jake Stay. Any copying could result in a cap in yo ass)

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acidtears

:: 2008 4 December :: 9.51am
:: Music: "Gives you hell" by: All American Rejects

Bit of a change in lyrics, but, only made em' towards a guy.
I wake up every evening
With a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And you're still probably workin'
At a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Now where's your pickett fence, love?
And where's that shiny car?
It didn't ever get you far
And you never seemed so tense, love
I've never seen you fall so hard
Do you know where you are?

And truth be told, I miss you
And truth be told, I'm lyin'

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a girl
That's worth a damn
And treats you well
Then she's a fool
You're just as well
Hope it gives you hell
I hope it gives you hell

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
"Where did I go wrong?"
But the list goes on and on

But truth be told, I miss you
And truth be told, I'm lyin'

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a girl
That's worth a damn
And treats you well
Then she's a fool
You're just as well
Hope it gives you hell

Now you'll never see
What you've done to me
You can take back your memories
They're no good to me
And here's all your lies
You can look me in the eyes
With the sad, sad look
That you wear so well

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a girl
That's worth a damn
And treats you well
Then she's a fool
You're just as well
Hope it gives you hell

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
(Hope it gives you hell)
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
(Hope it gives you hell)
When you hear this song
And you sing along
But you never tell
(You never tell)
Then you're a fool
I'm just as well
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song
I hope that it will give you hell
When you sing along
I hope that it will treat you well

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acidtears

:: 2008 4 December :: 8.53am
:: Music: "Someday(I will understand)" by: Britney Spears

Nothing seems to be the way
That it used to
Everything seems shallow
God give me truth
In me
And tell me somebody is watching
Over me
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday I will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he's done to me
Oh but maybe
Someday I will breathe
And I'll finally see
I'll see it all in my baby

Don't you run too fast my dear
Why don't you stop?
Just stop and listen to your tears
They're all you've got
It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby

No moment
Will be more true
Than the moment
I look at you

It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby

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acidtears

:: 2008 4 December :: 7.37am

Bitch, shut up.
You know, I tried to believe you when you said that you didn't really like him and that you were sorry for your actions. But, last night, hanging out across the street with you and the other two Sam's, that just got on my nerves. I really think you did it on purpose. Tried to hurt my feelings. Woo-Fucking-Hoo, you and Adam do shit. You better be prepared to hurt like never before because he won't date you just because you guys have sex. Some of the things you said last night, I just stared at you like "do you really think I want to know this?". It was just "me and Adam did this, Adam said this, We are going to do this, and look at what Adam did to my boobs" the whole time I was there.

Why in the hell did I find so much comfort in being friends with someone like you?
Why did I want your company in the past?

Last night made me realise that you are really a whore and a waste of my time and efforts. And today's your Birthday, but know what.. there will be no "Happy Birthday" wishes from me..nothing but sarcastic ones anyway. I save the real birthday wishes for my real friends. Then last night, standing there with you in Sam's breezeway, you told me what you were going to get for your birthday. "Adam's virginity". Then you smirked. Fuck you, you are nothing but a fucking whore. It doesn't really bother me that you and him are doing stuff, I got over that. What bugs me is that you continue to bring it up to get on my nerves.

But go on. Go on with your ways. Because I'm not going to be there when you turn around anymore. I'm done with you and your shit. You seem a bit pathetic to me and VERY obnoxious at this point. So good bye.

6 years means nothing to me. And obviously you as well. BFF's my ass. Peace out.

-Samm

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acidtears

:: 2008 3 December :: 1.19pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: "It's all your fault" by: Pink

It's all your fault, you called me beautiful..
First time I talked to you in a few days. It was the first time you asked me how I was. Not the question I was expecting from someone like you. But, of course, the only reason you asked me was because I asked you. I hate that your only intention is to get laid. I hate that you only ask me how I'm doing if it's convenient for you. I do not expect a relationship with you. Why would I want one? You get jealous easily(and get this, we aren't even dating, imagine if we were), you think you are always right, you are a serial cheater, you are everything I need to stay away from. So why can't I easily break this chain between us? I don't even like you. So why do I feel stuck? To you. I think I might know the answer to that. I believe it might be because I'm afraid to be alone at night. I think that if I lose everyone else, and get rid of you, I will have no one to turn to. I know that's not true, but sometimes I feel like that. I cling to you like a security blanket and it's sickening. My friends know what you're like, and I do too. Why can't I listen to them and myself? But you know what's funny? Earlier when you called me "hun", it didn't make me smile like it used to. I didn't even smirk. I didn't blush. I didn't giggle. I think this flame has gone out. At least on my end. You're like poison to me. But I still continue to stay in your life, despite your toxic sentences and ways. I continue to say "I'm thinking of dropping him" to her, and she tells me I should do it. I know I should. And as bad as this might sound, I have someone else. Well, I don't "have" him, but things are going on. (Not what you're thinking) And I can't help but think, what happens if I lose both of you? I mean, getting rid of or even losing you won't be so bad. I could live. But, if things went sour between me and him, where do I go from there? I mean, he's the one who asks me questions like "How was your day?", "How are you right now?", "What are you thinking about?", etc. And guess what.. he doesn't ask me any of those things just because I asked him. He always asks them first. Makes sure I'm better than okay. And no, we are not "building a relationship", we are just flirting, but you know, at least he is nice enough to ask me those questions. Instead of just "What are you wearing?". I've dug myself this hole, and now I plan on getting out of it. It might be a little bit hard to climb back out, considering the hole is 11 feet deep and I'm only 5 foot 5. But, I am damn sure that my Bestie will help me out. She will reach her arm in as far as she can and pull me out herself. Because that's what we do for each other. We understand that we dug our holes ourselves, but we are still willing to pull each other out. And if she ever gets into a hole too deep, she needs to know I will pull her out. She's everything and more I could ask for in a Best Friend, and I love her for it.
So Jess....will you help pull me out?

Because I'm in way too deep.

-Samm

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acidtears

:: 2008 28 November :: 4.46pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: "Year of the Cat" by: Al Stewart

When your eyes turned grey, could it be I made them shine awhile?
I need to get away. I need to get out of this house...soon. I'm tired of being cooped up and bored. I need social interaction other than MSN and Eric on webcam. I try making plans, but it seems lately that something always goes wrong. Tonight, I need to get out of here. Leave for a while. But, I'm not sure how that's going to go. I don't like admitting this really, but, I don't have many friends anymore. I mainly have two. I don't have many others. Kayliegh, and Jess. I used to at least hang out with Aubri during the day, but, since that incident I don't talk to her much. My sister tells me things like "Aubri asked how you are...and she said hi". Whatever. But, I don't have much else to update about. Bye.

-Samm

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acidtears

:: 2008 18 November :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "No matter what" By: T.I.

Great song.
Yeah, I say still i stand
Ay, shawty here i am
hey

(Verse 1)
Never have you seen in ya lifetime
A more divine southern rapper with a swag like mine
Facin all kinda time but smile like I'm fine
Brag with such passion and shine without tryin
Believe me, pains a small thing to a giant
I was born without a dime
Out the gutter I climbed
spoke my mind and didn't stutter one time
Ali said "even the greatest gotta suffer sometimes"
So I huff and puff rhymes
Lyrics so sick wit it
Set the standard in Atlanta how to get get get it
So you up and coming rappers wanna diss, just kill it
I'm officially the realest...point, blank, period
Whether I still live in the hood or just visit
Whatever you can do in the hood I done did it
That's why the dope boys and the misfits feel it
This still his city long as TIP living, listen

(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What

Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty

(Verse 2)
Let the blog sites and the magazines tell it
I'm sure to be in jail till 2027
Rather see me in the cell then
Instead of this new McLaren
God will take you through hell, just to get you to heaven
So even tho it's heavy, the load I will carry
Grin and still bear it, win and still share it
Apologies to the fans, I hope you can understand it
Life can change ya direction, even when you ain't planned it
All you can do it handle it, worst thing you can do is panic
Use it to your advantage, avoid insanity manage
To conquer, every obstacle, make impossible possible
Even when winning illogical, losing still far from optional
And, Yea they wanna see you shot up in the hospital
But, when life throw punches, block and counter like a boxer do
Been locked inside mi casa too long, I did a song
To make it known that the king lives on pimpin

(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What

Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty

(Verse 3)
Even in solitude, there's still no hotter dude
I show you how to do, what you do, you ain't gotta clue
All you do is follow dudes
Sound like a lotta dudes
I'll weather whatever storm
Make it out without a bruise
I understand why, ya'll when my hands tied
They take shots, cause if I'm out there it's a landslide
But revenge is best served as a cold dish
And suckas will get served nigga no shit
Guess it was understood, for me it was over with
But I don't quit, if you ain't noticed yet
They couldn't wait to say goodnight shawty
So they can try to rhyme, act and look like shwaty
Go get a beat from Toomp, and make a hook like shawty
Before ya know it I'm back what it look like shawty
I lost my partner and my daughter in the same year
Somehow I rise above my problems and remain here
Yeah, and I hope the picture painted clear
If your heart filled with faith then you can't fear
Wonder how I face years and I'm still chillin
Easy, let go and let GOD deal with it (Ay!!)

(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What

Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty

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