Anyway, I took the night off from work because it's Valentine's Day. I wanted to have a chance to spend some time NOT WORKING. This is a good thing, no?

I meet Brian for dinner and Magnus, Greg and Jason are all up there as well. This is okay, because I do like these people and they keep me entertained.

When we finish eating, we go back to the co-ed hall where the guys live for the most part on the principle that we can go downstairs and play pool. Just hang out, you know? Well, there's a billiards tournament going on so there can be no unscheduled pool. The solution is to go to Brian's room. The guys want to play video games. There is a maximum number of two controllers if we borrow one.
Now, I'm tired of sitting and watching boys play video games. I guess a couple of months watching Caleb and Link and whoever else was at the apartment play vice city did that.
So, I tell them that I'm going to go back to my room to find something to do. I said that I would be back, but that I needed to get something to do that was more to my liking. Magnus and Brian said that I could play, that of course I'm invited.
I don't generally like playing video games. I like the fighters because they're mindless violence. This is good. If I wanted plot I'd read a damn book. But I digress.

I go back to my room and play Killer Instinct for half an hour.

Brian calls me and wants to know where I am. I told him I'm playing Killer Instinct. He was amused and confused at the same time. He did not know what to do.

He said that he felt kind of like an ass, like he'd run out on me to play video games.
Not true, I said I'd be back and I will, but right now I'm playing Killer Instinct.
Okay, but.... I don't know what I should do here. I mean, I guess I can do nothing but leave you to that.
It's my night off, I can do whatever I want.
Well yes, but this is a deviation from the norm. Well, I guess you not working is a deviation from the norm, but... I don't know. I guess I'll see you later.
Yup. I'll be over at some point. *promptly hang up*


I feel like I'm being a childish bitch, so I had to get some kind of public record of it. On the one hand, if I take time off on Valentine's Day, maybe that means I want to do something with my boyfriend. On the other hand, I'm not communicating that I want to spend time with him, and it's not my intent to keep him from having fun with our friends. I know he'll worry about it (because he really does worry too damn much. He'll become a very old man very young) if I make an issue of it.

Sometimes I just don't know how to talk about things so that he'll receive them at the correct level of importance. I don't know why he worries so much about the various miscellaneous shit orbiting me and my life, but he does. As a result, I don't know how to formulate discussions so that he won't get overly distrought, but at the same time understand that I have a problem.

It's not that I have trouble talking to him. Not at all. I barely notice things like emotions without him involved, let alone actively hold them back where he's concerned. He knows that I love him, and I know he loves me. I just wish sometimes that I wouldn't have to feel like I'm shielding him in some small way from my emotions.

Are you crying?