:: 2005 16 May :: 8.49 am

so they still call me crash..
i leave for cancun in 9 days.
got a cute new uniform.... cheerleading. hot.
went to a stip club for my first time the other night. irwin bought me a lap dance and it was hilarious.. the alcohol prolly made it even funnier.
i think im gonna have a party tonight, so if u wanna come, call me...
i havent been on this website in so long, i dont know what to say..
im going to the keys soon to see zach, but i got to make some $$$ first..
i cant wait to leave for ucf. craziness.
got 3 scholarships so i dont have to work, money is being credited to my account everymonth. nice huh?
dont know what else to say, so i'll update in another 3 months, how bout that?

see beyond what is

:: 2005 16 February :: 4.26 pm

valentines day was wonderful. bryan was my valentine and was a good one at that. i drove to his apartment and hung out for a while. he bought me roses, a teddy bear and these chocolates that were soooo good. we had a dinner reservation at P.F.Changs at 8:45. Glenn always talked about going there, but we never did. It was soo good. We talked and had a wonderful time. At one point i looked over, and seanandashley were sitting like 3 tables away from us. i was tempted to go say hello, but i opted not to because it was valentines day and didnt want to interrupt their romantic dinner. they looked so happy, it made me happy. as much as i miss him, and wish he and i could have some sort of a friendship, it makes mehappy just knowing that everything is going good for him. but anyways, after dinner, we went back to bryans apartment and we hung out for a little longer, and then around 11:45 i left. but before i left, bryan kissed me. it was sooooo weird becuase we have been friends for like 2-2.5 years. but it finally happened, and i enjoyed it. he made my valentines day special. and i adore him for that.

i texted glenn on valentines day and said 'happy valentines day, remembr the last one?' and he didnt respond. but im hoping that he didnt because he actually thought of the last one and what happened. all the shit i did for him, andall the shit he did for me. and the weekend we spent on peanut island camping. priceless.

i just have to keep it in my mind that everything happens for a reason.

1 paid close attention | see beyond what is

:: 2005 31 January :: 5.05 pm

fuck it all. he came down. and expected. and i am not giving it up. made a plan. till marriage. and i dont want anything serious right now. cant stand one boy for more then a week. so hen he expected, i felt disrespected and ejected his ass. fuck all that. i got my girls. its all i need. not some jerkoff who wants ass.....

im not giving it up. ever. till marriage.

5 paid close attention... | see beyond what is

:: 2005 26 January :: 8.14 pm

assume i hate.. you fill in the blank
lori told me she saw him in the mall with his girlfriend. the girl i knew he was dating. uhg. i so knew it. oh well.. but its not even who hes dating or the fact that he is dating, its what he had the nerve to say. to assume that im doing 'just fine' really pisses me off. what i would give for you to call me and see how im doing. but i guess you are too preoccupied. whatever. slowly im getting over it, but... to assume. you only make an ass of yourself.

i have a man. not a boy. a man. for the first time. it shows what i was missing out on. you are just a boy. who will always have a piece of my heart. unfortunately. and its the exact reason why i want to move away from here. now. i want to pack my bags and run away. run to the man. but it seems like im good from running away from problems. what i would give for it to all just dissipate. for good. like the pictures on my wall, or the memories. or the wax hand we mad together. everything.. escaping.

like my heart.

2 paid close attention... | see beyond what is

:: 2005 7 January :: 1.44 pm

I just got home from the beach. Jon and I went to the Delray beach because its my favorite and then we went to lunch at the Old Key Lime House. We nearly got attacked by the seagulls there. It was fun. Last night Lange brought flowers to my work and I got embarrassed. They were beautiful and I hung out with him after I got out of work at 11:30. We went to his friend Justins apartment and started messing with my car. I told them what im going to do with it and they made a few phone calls. Everyone thinks my car is going to look soo sweet. I have to work tonight and tomorrow night. Saturday night Lori and I are going out, so we’ll have fun. I got the new Used c.d. and I got Lion King 1 ½. I love the Lion King. Now all I have to get is Lion King 2. Jon is buying a boat soon so we can go on it. He and I are going to take a fishing trip and camp out. He’s going to let me ride his new bike when his ankle heals. He’s selling his car for the boat and is going to ride his bike around primarily.

Im tinting my windows this weekend. Lange is going to do all of the windows except the back. Im getting the back window done at Tint World hopefully on Saturday or Tuesday. Then Im buying these rims for $400 and dropping my car. Justin is going to do my paint job, which will be black with a pink stripe going around. Before the paint job, im getting a body kit, and since they don’t make one for the year my car was made, im going to get one a year later and all of the guys are going to mold it to my car to make it fit. Then my new seats are black with pink lining. Pink neons on the interior and exterior. New speakers are going in shortly and a system. A radar detector and new mirrors. All within a few months. Im excited.

Well I have to get ready for work, so…. Have a good day.

see beyond what is

:: 2005 1 January :: 2.32 pm

Well this week has been crazy. It started on Tuesday but all those details are old now. on Thursday lori and I went to the clubs downtown. We stayed in pure because Ronnie is the owner and we hung out with him most of the time. We had soo much fun. Everyone had to leave around 5am because Ronnie was shutting it down for the night and a fight started right out front. Lori and I didn’t know anything was going on until we got to my car and realized no one was behind us, so we walked all the way back and Richard was fighting some kid over some stupid shit, and another kid popped out some mase and sprayed everyone. Jess got sprayed in her eyes and was crying. Adriana was soo drunk and when she drinks she gets all emotional. The whole time shes trying to walk, shes crying and stumbling and saying, “that fight was all about me because I was talking to this kid and pauls brother saw.” Yet the fight was over some stupid shit with the kid and Richard. Because jess couldn’t see, I had to drive to Wellington to drop off aliza, Adriana, jess and Stephan. Lori and I got home around 6-6:30. and slept until 11. we drove to the beach and realized it was too damn cold out so we went and got our nails done. Then last night was fun as hell. I originally didn’t have plans. I really wanted to hang out with jose but by the time I got off work, he was in Wellington already. So mark came and picked me up and we went to this block party in one of the le chalet neighborhoods. We stayed there with Justine, Erica and Felicia for a while but mark got a call from his uncle about a party they were having in Wellington, so we went there. the guys house is like a mansion and they got a bounce house, a dj a caterer and it was soo much fun. I met all of marks family pretty much and we had a few drinks, and went and ……. Lets just say about 8 of us packed in to a car for some fun. Mark and I left around 1 and I was done. All I wanted was to go home. My mom was trashed and didn’t notice anything was up with me. Crazy. And tonight… lori and I are going back downtown. This time, im not driving, so it will be more fun.

I texted him and told him happy new years and he didn’t reply. I really don’t understand. I wish someone could explain this to me.

anyways, going to work. come in and see me.

2 paid close attention... | see beyond what is

:: 2004 23 December :: 4.20 pm

drving there i had a weird feeling. looking back i had no idea the reason i didnt want to go. i should've listened to my intuition. but of course, i went. so finishing at the table, i look over and see a familiar face walk into the bathroom. right away i knew he was there. i looked up, and there he was, oblivious to the fact that i was a mere 30 feet behind him. leaving everything on the table, i walked out. panicing, not knowing if i should go say hi, or leave it alone.

and of course, i left well enough alone. i walked out and saw his car. and in the rearview window was the necklace i bought him hanging there. right in that second i froze. it was hard for me to breathe through my crying, but i drove off.

sitting here i am wondering if they are dating. is she the reason im not in his life anymore? i thought i was alright, okay even. i could say that everything is going ok. but its in the moment that you see the person you spent so much time with. everything i had told myself just fell.

and im glad he didnt see me.

see beyond what is

:: 2004 12 December :: 1.37 pm

got an acceptance e-mail to college. yesssss....... score!

see beyond what is

:: 2004 5 December :: 3.16 pm

get baked at the bake sale... i did.
The Buzz Bake Sale was yesterday. i went with mason and david and i can not even begin to express how much fun i had. 20 million times better then last year. we got there around 11:30 and watched the skateboarders. dom was skating and it was really cool to see him. {i saw the new shred shed video with him in it and it was nice to see him although he wasnt doing that good.} mason and david and i saw every band that we wanted to. during kottonmouth kings they had these like 6 ft tall weed plants on stage and the guy was like 'when i say smoke, you say weed,' and everyone pulled out there pipes and joints and shit. it was awesome. we saw the used, which was my favorite. we had lawn tickets, but the guy checking tickets for the seats let us in because he knew david and mason from skating at blacktop or something. so i saw my favorite band... the used...and i was happy. i lost my earrings crowd-surfing, but it was worth it. i did it like 10 times near the zippo stage. mason did it with me, but david was scared. he almost did it, but when they got him up there, he got dropped. oh well. i saw a bunch of people i havent seen in a while, like nick sassian, elle and i saw wayne.... havent seen him in a long time. we met up with mike but all he did he whole day was try to get backstage. and he did. during taking back sunday, mason got seperated from us and david and i were up at the front and when the band came out so did like10 other people on the side. mike was just chilling up there soo happy. it was nice. we met up with ciron and josh and gundy and hung out with them during korn and then the 5 of us {mason, david, ciron, gundy and i} went to denny's and ate. i cant wait till next years. i will make it a point to come home from UCF and go to the bake sale.

i went and got detox shit for my drug test tomorrow. thank god for fake id's, cuz i guess they wont selll that shit to people under 18. but i got it. my mom thinks i am a dumb ass for smoking three days before the damn thing. but hey, i need this job. it will be fun.

homework to do today. lots of it. then i got plans to go out to dinner with luis and then prolly go and hang out with ... yepp... so to who ever reads this, have a good day.

see beyond what is

:: 2004 9 November :: 4.38 pm

all i want is to be happy.
i want you to be happy too.
i want to sit here and explain myself but i dont owe it to anyone.
the only thing i want is for us to be able to be friends. i apologize for all of the hurtful things i've said. if your number shows up on my cell phone...

see beyond what is