::
2008 13 February :: 12.33am
:: Music: the little river band
reminiscing
you know... not much has changed, in me anyway. i like to think that i've grown or improved in some way. but i haven't, really.
gangles was on american idol tonight, doing the same thing he's always done. granted, he was essentially booed off the stage. and i knew when i saw him drumming in the intro stuff that it wouldn't end well. i think he would have been much more successful with guitar. and honestly, i wished he would have gone on. which is probably sad.
but it got me wondering... why isn't some podunk town somewhere in an uproar because I'M on national television, making an ass of myself? why isn't it me out there, doing what i love to do? and i came to the conclusion that it's the very same reason that mike chose gangles instead of me. the same reason i was always overshadowed by him in the talent show.
because i'm not a dickweed. i wish i were, but the fact remains that i am not, and i haven't been in a long long time. there was a time when i was. and i enjoyed the privileges it afforded me - just as he enjoys the privileges it affords him. but ultimately, i made a choice growing up that i wouldn't be a dickweed; that i actually wanted a few close friends who liked me, instead of many distant acquaintances who liked me and close friends i pushed away.
but lately, i've been becoming more of a dickweed again. i've begun pushing away many of those close friends, and attracting a handful of distant acquaintances. however, this time the switch wasn't really a conscious choice. sure, i've always been jealous of the dickweeds in my life, since they got to do more and be more, and i just sat there and let them. but i don't think it's worth it to me to give up my close friends, just so i can do more and be more. i'd rather have them and live in squalor, than become big and have nobody there.
even still, i find myself continuing down the path to dickweed-dom. how do i stop it? can i stop it? do i want to stop it? i don't know. maybe. yes.
but i still have no idea where that puts me, or what the next thing i have to do to change it might be.
but hey, i did dishes tonight, worked on my fafsa, did some networking business for my school projects, and watched some T.V. so what am i complaining about? i can pretend to be a big rock star later. for now i'll just be the poor college student i'm supposed to be, and find some way to assimilate and be a happy part of the machine.
"shyah, right, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!"
i have ear infections in both my ears i want to just stay home and sleep so bad. i feel like crap because i have been sick for 2 weeks straight and now both my ears are all weird and i can't hear anything out of either of them ... all i hear is myself talking or breathing or whatever ahhhhhhhhh it's so annoying. this has been going on for 6 days but my other ear just started doing it yesterday. so now its both my ears which is really weird i have never heard of having ear infections in both ears. the worst part is when i sleep - i sleep on my stomach and it hurts no matter which way i lay my head because each ear hurts when i'm not laying it on the pillow ........ owwww
i called the doctor today but i dont know if they'll give me a prescription without going in there and i dont have time..
i have to go to school until 5:30 today and then i work at 6 until midnight and then tomorrow i have to open so i have to be there at 6:45 am but it is a short shift luckily
i'm so ready for break. i wish i was going on vacation..........
well, i got my script done. it's shitty. the dialogue is bad. i'm pretty sure it's formatted incorrectly. which is honestly no fault of mine, since he gave us a bunch of different examples, each of which was ambiguous, and different from the next. but at least it's done.
i'm pretty sure he's a terrible professor. good guy, knows a lot about film, but terrible at teaching. which is unfortunate.
here you go:
FADE IN:
INT – OFFICE – DAY
The office is brightly lit, but dark furnishings and wall coverings are ominous still. PHIL – the boss - sits, lost in thought examining paperwork, in a very imposing chair behind a large oak desk, with a large window behind showing the side of a neighboring skyscraper.
There is a KNOCK at the door.
PHIL
Come in.
JOHN enters, not timidly, but cautiously.
JOHN
You wanted to see me, sir?
PHIL
Yes, please sit down. I'll be with you in a moment.
JOHN obeys and sits in front of the desk, looking around the room, absently fidgeting with his clothes. PHIL continues to be absorbed in paperwork
PHIL (CONT'D)
Sorry to keep you waiting, but I really needed to finish that.
JOHN
Oh, it's no problem. So, you wanted to see me?
PHIL
Yes, John. I've been hearing some very disconcerting rumors regarding your conscientiousness and devotion to your work.
JOHN
(pause)... Is that so?
PHIL
Yes. I understand that you habitually leave early for and return late from your lunch breaks, but fix the numbers on the computer. You have also been known to use a hostile tone when speaking to customers. And you don't always file your reports on time. We're considering putting you on monitored probation.
JOHN
Probation!? I've been with this company for over ten years! And now you're threatening me? After all I've done for you....
PHIL
I'm sorry John, but we have standards to adhere to. And we have to ensure that all of our employees, even those who have been with us for a long time, are adhering to those standards.
JOHN
(increasingly upset) Standards, eh? The way I see it, the standards of this company went out the door the moment they let you start running the show! You're more concerned about keeping up appearances, and a healthy bottom line for the stockholders, than you are about taking care of the very people who take care of you! What would you do without people like me, Phil? We work hard every single day, doing all of the menial, mundane, thankless tasks, which – if gone undone – would bring this operation to the ground. And you don't even give us a long enough lunch to go across the street for a bagel!
PHIL
We have a cafeteria he...
JOHN
(cuts him off, yelling) I don't care if there's some shitty cafeteria in this fucking building! I want options! I want freedom: I want to be able to choose to go to Joe's café for a coffee and a bagel on my lunch break, and not get fired for it. I want to be able to stop what I'm doing for five minutes, so I can take a piss, without having it docked from my pay.
JOHN stands up and BANGS his fist on the desk, angrily.
JOHN (CONT'D)
I'm sick and goddamn tired of spending every day dreading coming into work, because I know I'll spend it looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. We would honestly get more work done, in a shorter amount of time, if we were provided a more relaxed work environment. But instead we're all just quaking in our little cubicles, waiting for your minions to waltz up to our desk and tell us to box up our stuff because we used a No. 2 pencil instead of blue or black ink on our latest efficiency progress report!
PHIL
(Very long pause) Well....
JOHN sits, somewhat awkwardly; anticlimactic.
PHIL (CONT'D)
... It's clear you're upset with the way things are run around here, and that you're intimately familiar with the needs and desires of our employees. It's also evident that you're not afraid to share your feelings and opinions on important matters with me. I'm creating a new position on my staff, "Employee Liaison/Advisor," and these capacities make you the perfect candidate. What do you say? Would you like to join my cabinet?
JOHN
(pause) May I have some time to decide?
PHIL
Absolutely
INT – CAFÉ – NIGHT
JOHN sits alone at a table next to a window, with a bagel and coffee, and his laptop open beside them. He is composing an email, addressed to PHIL, stating simply "I'm in".
JOHN
(to self) What are you doing? Can you even trust this guy? Well, I suppose he trusts you well enough.
He exhales deeply, just before CLICKING "Send". He closes the laptop, packing it in his bag, finishes eating the bagel, grabs the coffee, and walks out of the shop.
they say that sleeping over-abundantly is a sign of depression. but i disagree. i say it's just a sign that you're fucking tired and want to sleep.
then again, it could simply be that you just can't summon up the strength to rise and face the world in yet another pointless day, in which you scurry around doing pointless things until you're tired enough to fall asleep again.
...
naaaaa, you're just fucking tired, that's all there is to it.
all in all not the worst weekend ever. bowling was great. the whole DD thing kind of killed the mood for me, but at the same time provided a new perspective onto the intoxicated times had.
moped around yesterday and today. Boo to that.
it's about a negative four degrees farenheit here. cheers.
okay so eventful day already but i will try to just give the shorthand version
no heat in my car so that means no defrost so that means can't see
been driving it that way for like a week, was planning to have roman fix it today, ordered the part and everything
had to work at 9:45 this morning... left in my car i could see okay but not the greatest
got a little further on byron center and it was total white out and my windsheild and windows were icing over, it was really hard to see, i pulled over in the furthest lane and just sat there with my hazards on.
didn't know what to do but i knew i wasn't going to try to drive because the last time i drove in the wind blowing white out conditions i promised myself i would never do it again. i told my self i would sit there all day until a tow truck came and got me if i had to.
i drove a little bit further and pulled off the road on the side. i sat in my car with no heat for TWO AND A HALF HOURS.
MY BEST FRIEND EVER JESSIE HAZEN and he GREAT FIANCE RYAN came and got me because they are the greatest. they can vouch for me that the conditions were HORRIFIC!!!! when jess got out of the car 5 feet in front of me i oculdn't even tell if it was ryan or jess. that's how bad visibilaty was!
so ryan drove my car to the nearest parking lot and me and jess drove ryans car in front and jess bought me hand warmers cuz she's a sweetie so i could defrost my toes a little. lol i'm SO COLD still and this was like an hour ago
oh yeah and i called into work and this poor girl had to cover for me because fucking midnite sun and cruise is retarted and they dont give a SHIT about their employees and whether they are going to die or not. no one should be driving today! but they dont care. they need to keep their tanning salon open for the 2 customers that might come in today.
lastly... roman just called me and was lkike shouting in the background and stuff it really scared me but he told me a girls car flipped overr and there are tons of cars - at least 20 all collided and flipped and 2 semis smashed into each other and the girl's dog is in romans car right now because her's is flipped over. but he is okay but tons of other people aren't
okay, NOT that i am glad people got in accidents, i would never want that and that really sucks but how come i never get to see the neat stuff like that. i mean it's not neat, it's just kind of interesting to see i guess. rroman sees people flip their cars and stuff all the time, i have never seen it. lol i know that sounds really bad but i still think it'd be .... i can't think of the word ot use that would be okay but yeah...
anyway, i hate michigan winters and i can't wait to move out of this state.
why am i still awake? i feel really weird..................................
i'm watching like the dumbest show ever. and i dont want to go to work tomorrow. and i feel sick.
this lady started crying...a client that comes in all the time at work the other day. she like started crying and i felt so bad for her and i'm just like um you want a hug.... i felt really bad awwwwwwwww
I HATE MY JOB BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THEIR EMPLOYEES WHATSOEVER. I JUST WORKED UNTIL MIDNIGHT AND THEN ATTEMPTED TO DRIVE HOME IN THIS AWFUL HORRIBLE HORRIBLE WEATHER. i swear to you people, you could NOT see a THING not a thing@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just pure white that's all you can see. it was the scariest thing ever i'm not kidding. i called roman and he didn't have his phone, i called jess, and i then i called my mom and woke her up i was crying saying i dont know what to do i dont know what to do becaue you couldn't even tell if you were on the road or driving into someoen's front yard seirously!!! you cludln't see anything and traffic lights were out and omg
taht seriulsy i think wwas the scariest thing i have ever done. ahhhh thanks mom for hleping me get home lol
I need a map of your head, translate it into english so I can learn to not make you frown
feel better if you vent? put your frustrations into four letter words.
Your communication skills are improving kevin-san, just take a chill pill and enjoy the moment.
i had a bunch of weird dreams last night. the one that sticks out to me in particular is the one where i was with emily, (i can't remember what we were doing) and i got a loose tooth. but we were running around, trying to get shit done, and all of a sudden i pulled it out. it didn't hurt, but it was absolutely MAMMOTH, and it left a bunch of chunks in my mouth, which i then had to spit out, which struck me as odd. but apparently nobody else found it bizarre that a 21 year old had just lost his tooth, and so the dream just kept right on cruising.
i ran into a bunch of problems with my film project yesterday. i'm kinda pissed, but i'll get over it. hopefully i finish in time.
and i resolved to call up on my W-2s and see where the hell they're at, like a responsible person, and the people all said that i wouldn't have them until the first week of february. fuckers. way to wait until the last possible second.
so then i was like, "well, i'll do as much of the fafsa as i can without my tax info," but noooo, the fafsa website had to go and crash on me too.
i swear to god. it's like a sign telling me that i'm supposed to give up. because every time i try, i get pushed aside or yelled at or in some way usurped, and i'm just fucking tired of it. i'm losing sleep, having weird dreams, freaking out on people that don't deserve it.
So, I have all the pieces I could possibly need, but I'm still not seeing how they all come together to form that picture of a kitten. This stresses me out.
crazy ass shit
this is ridiculous. nothing is working out cleanly or adding up evenly.
which means the great sheep in the sky didn't like my emo entry about how i'm pissed at it. but i'm not pissed anymore. so it should be nice to me and make the stars align once again.
i'm sorry, oh aviary ovine! i didn't mean to upset you. may your wool grow long and thick! and may your first child be a masculine child! i suck at forcing things to work. which is why it's so much more pleasant for everyone involved when you make things line up properly, so i don't have to mash them together in my rudimentary way.
that would be super-duper.
p.s.
basically, all this means is that i had avoided making plans so we could go get the car tomorrow, but they never confirmed with me, so i had this empty day ahead of me, with a shit-ton of stuff to get done, and a couple of hours ago, bruce called me and said, "so, you busy tomorrow?"
and then this weekend, kristi was like "so you wanna go to president's ball?" and i was like "yeah, that'd be fun!' but it turns out that it's the weekend of winter camping.
so, i'm fucking retarded, and the world hates me. scheduling conflicts galore, and my laziness has placed me squarely behind the eight ball in so far as the amount of shit that needs to be accomplished within a certain time frame.
so i actually feel like i can be a nurse. i'm liking my classes better and understanding stuff. because the program is so new and my school is so small, i have my classes with basically all the same 30 people because that is how many people got accepted into the program. i'm realkzing that i am just as smart as these people and they are struggling in areas just like i was/am. so yay.
we dont get to disect cadavers. we only get to disect cats but oh well. i guess we can learn more because we can disect them more where as with cadavers-because so many people have to use them and they have to last a whole year, you can only do a little.
i can't type well beause i have fake nails on. i haven't got my naisl done in like 2 years but i really wanted to last week so i got acrylilics on. just a frech manicure. not like i sued to get.
roman and i are doing so well. when we first moved in together we had this period of like 2 months where we fought really bad like we'd be fine and then fight fine and then fight but we have really gotten over that ---well i mean, obviously since that was a long time ago but my point is ...we hve just grown from it all and i'm really happy.
we are probably going to florida to visit his gramma and have soem fun for our spring breaks. the bad part is that are spring breaks aren't at the same time and so i might not be able to ugugghghgh but that would really suck because my birthday is during his spring breeak so if he went and i didn't i'd be all alone on my bday.
i can't believe i'm gonna be 20 ..that seems so old! weird.
roman and i were talking about the wedding which was supposed to be in may 2009 but the more we talked about it. the more we thought it would be a smart idea to just wait until we were done with college completely.