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munkysaurus

:: 2007 6 November :: 2.56am

TMFA = To Many Fucking Acronyms...
Lol, the Jessa and Andy show? That's definitely a "wtf". Well, hello Mr. J. I see you with those shady eyes. Wanting me to fill your belly with delicious digital flavor. I've come to say absolutely...sure. Why the fuck not. I think the last time I was on this site, well, I WEREN'T doing so fucking good. Or maybe it was just because I was still a teenager. It seems so long ago. High school. Now that I look back on it. It was a lot of fun. I miss a lot of things and a lot of people. And just as I thought, things between the latter have fallen apart, I realize some people still use this site! Place: "wtf" (/emotabonics).

Err, where do I start. I'm employed at steelcase cleaning office buildings. I would have a better job but I took the summer off and blew a bunch of cash that I shouldn't have. I'm a pfc in the army (ok national guard) as an engineer. Which means I go once a month and build walls on a shitty installation. I have a wonderful and amazingly cute girlfriend named Jess. (Not the one with the show) And some minor heart problems due to stress. Jokes on me. It's not that bad of a life. And I'm hoping to improve some things. But, it's mine and you can't have it. So fuck you. Utility flask. Martha Stewart. Mofo. To be honest besides the whole six mons. of getting my ass kicked by drill sergeants my life has kinda settled down. And so has my demeanor. After reading this little comments I've posted in my more angsty days. I can see the differences and reflect and (reverie <------FUCK! I Misspellled thaat werd!) in the fact that I can see myself growing. Funny shit. So...bleh. And all that shit I used to say.

Time for bed you no-moving-parts, mechanically literate, server in Andy's aparment, mothafuckerpussarex.
-Dustin

4 hold on tightly | let go lightly


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 4 November :: 7.45pm

sometimes i just wonder what would happen if i just dropped out of school. i hate it so much it makes me so frustrated. there really is nothing i enjoy about it. nothing i get out of it. i've learned a few things ..... the only class i really liked and i didn't even like it that much i just found it relatively interesting was medical terminology.

it is stupid. fuck. i should just drop out and i'm not getting anywhere anyway. fuck fuck fuck. i wish i could just move to florida with my parents.

1 hold on tightly | let go lightly


spud

:: 2007 3 November :: 4.23am
:: Music: kevin and jessica


i think i'm a good person.

it's amazing how i can be so alone, and yet so complexly together with so many people.

i wrote this earlier. i had an idea about reincarnation, which seemed poetic at the time:

My soul is an old man swimming.
Am I his final foray into the waters?
Or does he have life left in him yet?
At times he is very adept,
So well used to his aquatic occupation.
At other times he is old and tired,
Barely floundering on the surface.
Despite his age he has a spryness about him.
But is that enough to carry us through?

--------

all questions, no answers. oh - how the mighty fall.

it's so disjointed. primarily due to how i have fallen. or at least that is how i feel at this particular epoch. different times will give rise to different emotions.

fucking A.

1 hold on tightly | let go lightly


spud

:: 2007 1 November :: 3.10am

as much as i feel like a lot just happened, i also feel like nothing's going to change. which is both good and bad.

and i just never know what the fuck i'm supposed to do with it all. it's like god's cruel joke.

puts all the fucking pieces in my hand, and just expects me to figure it out. the only flaw being that sometimes i have extra parts that i made myself, and sometimes i'm missing a few parts that slid under the couch. but i can't just give up on the puzzle because the parts sometimes come alive and bash me upside the head, until i put them together. and then the next shipment arrives, the moment i torque down the last bolt.

it's bullshit, i'm telling you.

and also, i have to remember that, while social relationships are like atomic bonds, once the bond is separated, sometimes they take an electron with. and sometimes they give you one. and sometimes you just trade a few. i think it works. too bad nobody else understands it.

5 hold on tightly | let go lightly


spud

:: 2007 31 October :: 2.17am

i carved a pumpkin tonight. it turned out well.

i also baked the seeds, which also turned out well, considering i forgot them in the oven for over half an hour.

and i got a sharpie tattoo of a skeleton from lindsay. nice work, linz. looks badass. oven mitt and all.

now time to sleep, so i can sort of act normal tomorrow-ish. although i don't have any plans for the evening. i may wind up studying, or something ridiculous like that. but c'mon, it's fucking halloween. i can do better than that. what'd i do last year? i don't remember. and the year before that i hung out with gunnie.

i always wind up being pretty boring on halloween. like the time i read harry potter while i was giving out candy. i enjoyed it, but it was very solitary and slow. which i guess i need sometimes.

i really want to play again. it's seriously beginning to hurt me inside. i just want it. so fucking bad. maybe this thing with robby is an answer.

5 hold on tightly | let go lightly


spud

:: 2007 30 October :: 5.41am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Cake

Paper

Wood pulp; sometimes I despise you.

Now how the hell do I finish it? Dammit. Maybe after a couple hours of sleep this will fix itself.

let go lightly


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 28 October :: 8.49pm

so today .... was like the worst day ever.

except i bought a new camera. i know i know why why why but i can't stand not havin a camera. and this one is really cool i hope it's really as awesome as i think it is.

it has a million settings and stuff.

now if only my man would come home...where is he? work.......

stupid work and stuff. stupid stupid. what an awful day.

i thought wer were gonna see a movie today but ... doubt it.

4 hold on tightly | let go lightly


spud

:: 2007 26 October :: 2.17am
:: Mood: winding down
:: Music: billy hirt - a time for reflection

we could make sweet music together...

i had fun at lindsay's tonight. i feel like there was some good conversation. although, i'm not sure how much of it she'll recall. but that's okay. fun times were had by all.

i want to play again. lately i've had the itch so badly it hurts.

interestingly enough, tonight i didn't have the ache. i had honestly not thought about the ache until katie brought it up as i was walking her home. i didn't know how to respond at first when she said it. i take it as a sign that things are beginning to be right again. at least for us, if nothing else, which is good.

but i still feel like, in spite of that, there's still so much that isn't right for me. but i can't tell what it is or how to fix it.

'til some producer with computers fixes all my shitty tracks.

5 hold on tightly | let go lightly


spud

:: 2007 25 October :: 2.25am

it's cold outside. and now my nipples are tender. i guess that's what i get.

maybe tomorrow i'll just go topless.

this deodorant smells awful.

5 hold on tightly | let go lightly


spud

:: 2007 25 October :: 1.03am

retrospective

"maybe i just don't want a relationship at all. i like being single and flirting with everyone. i don't know... when ever i start to get close to some one it is ok at first and i am all for it and then they start doing things that just freak me out. and then i run away. hmmm.... i need to find someone perfect for me, my personality needs to match their's, i can't be in a relationship where i feel like there is so much that i just can't live up to. why is it so hard for me to meet people i am actually attracted to. this sucks. i feel like i need to have someone, but i just don't want anyone i know. i need to meet someone new. which is hard. i'll try."

at least she's always known what she needs.

i have no idea what i need. or what i want. or what i have.

i'm a menace to society and myself.

1 hold on tightly | let go lightly


spud

:: 2007 22 October :: 12.34pm
:: Mood: not good

it's funny how quickly things change sometimes.

it's not funny how slowly i adapt to them. because just about the time i get settled in (if at all), it changes again anyway, and i'm just that much less interested in attempting to change for the next time.

funnier yet is how even when i don't feel like trying, i wind up changing anyway. it just seems like it should be more advertent and thought out.

this all adds up to me being listless and worthless, and me feeling all the emotions appropriate to those qualifications.

1 hold on tightly | let go lightly


spud

:: 2007 21 October :: 5.39pm
:: Mood: whelmed
:: Music: Extreme - Cupid's Dead

:: Romance Novel ::

Night is the time for deep conversations.
Staving off sleep for the value of a moment.
The haze tries to convince you to forget by morning.
Subduing it, you rise to face the afternoon, believing yourself a poet.

let go lightly


jedibumblebee

:: 2007 12 October :: 10.42am

i have a CLASS REUNION tomorrow.
holy crap.

i am way more stupidly excited than I probably should be.

in other news, I went to the doctor again to figure out why I want to sleep all the time... found out that my iron is extremely low, WITH iron supplements. so we are upping the dose and hopefully one of these days I can make it into work before 8.

4 hold on tightly | let go lightly


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 11 October :: 12.33am

Tonight roman and i went out to east beltline- got coffee at beaners and then went into pet supplies plus and saw these bunnies and the woman let me hold one and then let roman hold the other and they were these dwarf bunnies and we want one really bad. i know that's bad- our apt is going to be all gross with pets but not really but we want one becaue they were so adorable and the woman said that they can be litter box trained and stuff and that they are good pets and you can let them out and hop around and stuff.

so yeah i duno. we might get a bunny i think.

and then we looked at halloween costumes . but we need to find something fun to do on halloween before we go and buy the costumes becaues they are expensive.
but if we do go somewhere we want to look all cute and costumey.

annnd then we went to the IMAX and saw transformers. i had never been there before so it was pretty neat. it was making me a little nauseous though because it is so big and stuff.

and other than that, i want to quit school because seriously i am doing really horrible and i studied hard and thought i did quite well on that last test and i did awful. i'm so pissed. at myself, at the class, at davenport, at the test. they are horrible tests. they are hard and confusing and stupid.

ugh

but seriously i don't want to be a fricken failure. i want to have a career. i dont want to just be a little housewife with kids. i mean, seriously- i dont care if it sounds pathetic to some people but that is my number one thing i look forward to - i look foward to having a family and raising our kids and being the perfect mother and wife. that is number one on my list and always will be but i reallly feel like i won't feel like i accomplished as much as i could have. i'll feel like i failed or like i didn't reach my potential. like... i have to have a CAREER too. at some point. you know? my mom regrets it so much and i don't want to have that same regret.

I hate school so much though. and i honestly really really don't have any idea what i would be good at.

but i'm shadowing this guy's that my dad knows daughter. ( i know i wrote that all wrong i dont care right now) and she is a nurse so i guess i'll find out then if i could handle it or not. which i know i probably can't. ughghghghgh hwhatever.

and anyway i like midnite sun and cruise and getting tan and sexy now if only i could get myself to start fricken working out . seriously. i need to get serious about that. i really really do. i just feel like a moron in front of all those muscley guys. eww and i don't want to run on the tredmills and fall on my face like on a tv show. i'd be so embarassed. and it would hurt. i can't run on those treadmills. i'm not coordinated enough to do that and listen to my earphones and sing MY hUMPS in my head and watch the tvs with no sound and worry about what people are thinking of me and check my heart rate all at the same time.

HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT. HOW DO YOU RUN ON TREADMILLS.

and that m y friend is the question of the day. how DO you people run on treadmills.

SHIT.


shoot.

well goodnight. any advice is welcomed.


4 hold on tightly | let go lightly


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 9 October :: 6.29pm

i'm quite sure one of the many reasons i am not doing well in this stupid one night a week, three hour class is that there are computers in here. this a fricken computer lab. not a classroom. dude. seriously. it's 6 at night-there are plenty of other classrooms but no they stick us in a classroom with computers with access to facebook and myspace and woohu and email. ughghghhh and then the boredom hits and i'm online.

i've never done so bad in school. i think it's a sign. i shouldn't be a nurse. i doubt i can handle it. i'm compassionate but i'm too compasionate i cry whenever someone else gets tears in their eyes. i'd be walking around crying 24/7 and my waterproof makeup wouldn't hold up and also would clog my pores.

fuck you davenport .....i have such mixed feelings towards you- you gave me so much money and a good oppurtunity but no choices.

i think maybe we should break up. how do you feel about that davenport? i think maybe you are no good for me and i am getting no where being with you.

is anyone good at statistics? i'm not.

i really should just leave this class. i think i may. there's no point in me being here. i leave with pointless notes that i never ever look at. they mean nothing to me.

damnit.
stupid college. What else could i do with my life? seriously i dont think i would be good at anything. i'll be a good mom and that's really pretty much it.
i duno. gotta check homework i'm sure i'll be back

let go lightly


tare

:: 2007 9 October :: 9.43am

I knew being patient would work out. =]

let go lightly


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 8 October :: 3.28pm

goodbye red robin hooray!!!

let go lightly


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 8 October :: 12.06am

So today i was in a really horrible mood. really life isn't that bad. i am just really really stressed and overwhelmed. i have too much stuff going on.

what it comes down to is that i am horrible at making decisions. and yeah

gosh now i forgot what i was going to say.

let go lightly


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 7 October :: 6.53pm

what the hell is a wedding anyway.

fuck this shit . i need a mother fucking vacation i swear to god if i wouldn't lose my scholarship i would leave this stupid fucking country in an instant. fuck the sholarship, i'm going to lose it anyway because there is no god damn way i'm passing that fucking class. who the fuck am i kidding whydidn't i just enroll in chic or some shit so i could actually have some income by now. seriously how the hell do people even fucking do it. theres no fucking way . i'd say i shoudl move back in with my parents but fuck it they are moving to florida anyway so too god damn late for me.

2 hold on tightly | let go lightly


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 6 October :: 7.21pm

okay so red flannel is like scary and loud and ugly

and i dont know if i can go to one ever again. it had good parts and i liked the band competition but i couldn't wait to leave. i know, bad right but i duno

whatev

1 hold on tightly | let go lightly

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