gilded smile

:: 2007 20 January :: 7.02pm

Keeping a journal is starting to be scary.

It's weird who still keeps tabs on my life.

2 hold on tightly | let go lightly

:: 2007 18 January :: 9.04pm

spud

:: 2007 17 January :: 2.14pm

wcks radio show

this semester my show is the same format as always (jazz, with some talk in there).

there is a new addition to the crew, as katie booms is now my co-dj.

also, there is a new time and place. it is wednesday nights, 10 to 11 pm, at http://www.thewhale.org/

if anyone has any questions, just say the word.

6 hold on tightly | let go lightly

tuwang

:: 2007 17 January :: 11.36am

yesterday was a pretty long day... so I came home, made some chicken and drank some beer. Then it wasn't so long.

whoever came up with the doug thing gets a blowjob from me

finally I can incorperate doug into my life without being completely embarassed!

3 hold on tightly | let go lightly

tuwang

:: 2007 16 January :: 9.01am

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2007/01/12

har har

2 hold on tightly | let go lightly

:: 2007 13 January :: 11.53pm

is something wrong with me? i dont even know. i dont know what it is . everyone is imperfect but what is it? do i make people run away? do i deter people from being near me. what is it. do i give off this poison or something. i'm not that bad. i'm certainly not as negative as i used to be. i now i am reclusive and kind of a loner but i'm not that bad.

i dont get it.

i'm missing this SOMETHING. i'm missing something. every time i walk there my eyes fill up with tears. my heart is telling me that that is what i am missing but i can't take the first step and i fear i never will be able to. it was that thing that pushed me away about 2 years ago and i still dont understand. if that is what i am missing and i was trying then why was i pushed away. why do i feel like i dont belong there if it is the thing i need the most. sometimes i feel like i have hit it and i'm finally there but then a week passes and the feeling is gone. sometimes i feel liek its not real. sometimes i feel like feeling that is wrong. what is faith?

i dont want to be preached to but i dont want to be told i'm wrong. and at the same time i want advice.

i'll never understand it. i know i am missing the joy of playing music. i know that that is something i miss dearly but what else is it.

i am stuck in a rut and at the same time never been happier. how does that happen? i just dont want to miss anything. why can't i just be that kind of person. almost a freeloader.

why do i feel that precious time is being wasted. with every day. with every hour. i know it is. god i know it is. what am i missing and how can i get it. i just want to be told. i just want someone to have all the answers. im so scared when you ask me that but i dont know if i'm scared because i dont think i'd be okay or if i'm scared because i'm just confused. probably both . but i dont feel wrong in what i believe. the world is too skewed for it to be straight black and white by the book. the people that live that way are being nonsensical. i'm not trying to adjust it so that i can get away with everything , it's just i am trying to make sense out of something that makes none.

why do you just roll over and go to sleep when i need you the most. what i need out of you, i have no idea. i just know that i need you.

please young ones- do not get caught up. dont do it. love and be loved but just ........................

why do i do the things i do. i can't even do things anymore without thinking about how i am not supposed to be doing them.

i didn't used to feel that. and that is why i know what i'm missing.

i know what im missing but i'm so afraid of it that i dont think i will ever get it. someone please please please help me. plesae help me please. please. i dont want to be like this anymore. i want to be happy like you. i dont want to be scared anymore.

and even saying all that i know i wont put forth any effort and i will be living like this tomorrow and the next day and the next. goodbye

i was going to drink tonight but then i thought i shouldn't since you were coming and all. Now i wish i had for an hour straight. i should have..............ugh

:: 2007 13 January :: 11.51pm

why is it that things are the way they are?

3 hold on tightly | let go lightly

:: 2007 13 January :: 2.56pm

i dont have any food in my house.

right now there is:

cheese slices
milk
stale animal crackers
stale cereal
peanut butter crackers
a frozen dinner that i will never eat
canned veggies
some macaroni
jello mix
candy canes

.....i think i'm gonna see how long i can go until i buy groceries. or at least see how long we can go before roman breaks down and says lets go grocery shopping.

i'm hungry though.... i'm really hungry!!!

spud

:: 2007 12 January :: 2.38pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: led zeppelin

first week back on the horse. so far it's been a good ride.

i'm taking calculus, media production I, audio production I, speech, and weight training.

calc is cool. it's nice to have math again. too bad my prof is so dry.

media I should be cool, probably my hardest class. but i get to make movies, right. and my professor is pretty cool.

audio I is my favorite class ever. i'm seriously more excited about this class than i have been about anything before. flippin' sweet. and i'm taking it with my advisor, who happens to be my dad's friend from river city. it's totally awesome.

speech is going to be arduous, but my professor is nice. she's seriously a sweetie.

weight lifting is pretty much what you'd expect. again, cool prof.

that's about it.

i've gotten up at about 8:30 every day this week. and i have to get up at 8 tomorrow.

i'm sore, i'm tired, and i'm ready for a nap. but i don't get a nap. that's cool though. i made muffins. muffins fix everything.

2 hold on tightly | let go lightly

tuwang

:: 2007 12 January :: 11.25am

Eh.. I freaked out... who doesn't.

So I'm reading Rolling Stone on the crapper... usually a dissapointment. However, today was different. They had a little article in there about emo music. It was titled. "Who Hates Emo Music More?"
It was blocked off into different quotes by a bunch of shitty bands like Hinder and Disturbed, as well as other bands that aren't really shitty necessarily but I'm not exactly huge fans of them like Tool and The Killers. I thought it was ironic that Brandon Flowers hates emo, I don't think I really need to say why, I mean, the kid's practically emo himself. I guess he's really in that more artistic with no real artistic skills group. Sam's Town was not as good as their first album, by a long shot. ANyway.. Mayndard said probably the funniest thing. I quote:

" This shitty emo music is created by frat boys for frat boys that slip roofies to their dates. Ooooh, look at me, I'm sensitive, I feel. Here, have a Roofie Collada."

It was also noted that My Chemical Romance was tormented in england. This is a band that has a couple moderatly catchy songs, but is REEEAAALLLYYY Bad live. Have you ever heard the guys voice? He can't sing at all! The english crowd threw all kinds of shit at him, and when he tried to wave UK flag they booed. It's funny that he's never waved an american flag to my knowledge before. THey also apparently said things from like "Fuck your black parade, you cock sucking nunce." Classic english... anyone wanna go there?

And this isn't even the best part. When Panic! at the disco, who were clever enough to divide their name into two unintelligable fragments as opposed to one cohesive statement, played the same crowd, someone threw a beer bottle at the lead singers head and knocked him the fuck out. How fucking awesome is that?

1 hold on tightly | let go lightly

:: 2007 11 January :: 10.35pm

ahhhhh it was so stupid of me to take an accelerated online class. i have not started any homework. i have something due tomorrow and something due monday. in fact, i think i'm supposed to have a topic picked for my research paper and a short essay thing saying what it's going to be due by like next wk or something. ugh how dumb!! and you're supposed to participate by replying to other people's comments but their comments are too advanced for me... i dont even know what to say... like what iam i supposed to say "hey, nice answer to the question Mary....good job!" ...no you're supposed engage and advance discussion ... i dont even know anything about this crap. well maybe i should start by reading the book.

ugh i suck i have no motivation and no self discipline so needless to say this was a stupid idea to take a class where i just like get to pick when i want to do stuff and push myself to do it. yeah.

i'm an idiot.

i'mgonna lose my scholarship i just know it.

holiday

:: 2007 11 January :: 9.01am

Sooo... Back at school. Early. I got up at 6:30 this morning! And my first class was only a half hour long. And my second class doesn't start until 10:30. And I'm excited about pottery tonight with Becca!
In other news...

Caleb is 11 weeks old today, where does the time go?
And....
He started sucking his thumb! It's so adorable! He's gotten really good at it overnight. Yesterday he tried and tried and then overnight he got the hang of it. This morning on the monitor I heard "smack smack smack" and I knew exactly what he was doing and it made me smile. :-)

1 hold on tightly | let go lightly

:: 2007 10 January :: 7.45pm

Life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me.

5 hold on tightly | let go lightly

:: 2007 9 January :: 2.12pm

okay so i got a job at Beaners coffee hooray. who wants a carmel marvel?!?!?!

:: 2007 6 January :: 11.35pm

I guess there's got to be a break in the monotony, but Jesus, when it rains how it pours.
It could be ten, but then again, I can't remember half an hour since a quarter to four.
Throw on your clothes, the second side of Surfer Rosa, and you leave me with my jaw on the floor.
Just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known,
should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
It starts out easy, something simple, something sleazy, something inching past the edge of the reserve.
Now through lines of the cheap venetian blinds your car is pulling off of the curb.
Just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known, should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes.
Oh, here it goes.
Oh, here it goes again.

Oh, here it goes again.
Oh oh
Oh, here it goes.
Yeah, oh here it goes again.
Hey hey
Oh, here it goes.
All right!
I guess there's got to be a break in the monotony, but Jesus, when it rains how it pours.
Throw on your clothes, the second side of Surfer Rosa, and you leave me, yeah, you leave me.
Oh, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh here it goes again.
I should have known, should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes, here it goes.
Oh here it goes again.
I should have known, should have known,
but here it goes again.
Oh here it, Oh here it, Oh here it, Oh here it, Oh here it goes
I should have, I should have, I should have, I should have, I should have known
Oh, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.

70billion

:: 2007 6 January :: 3.59am
:: Mood: uncomfortable

4:05 am blues.
doors are shutting people sleep as i walk down down the street. is this what happieness brings? or is it something deep deep inside, know that i always mess up. Ruinning every evening, on a thoughtless second, i was just playing around. Thats the last time I follow you out after making you mad, "dont talk to me" I dont need this maybe next time ill just walk the away. I here footsteps; look around to caucth a glimps of your sillioete running towrds me. I all alone, and walking down the street.

spud	:: 2007 3 January :: 7.29pm :: Mood: relaxed last night interesting. pretty fucked up. but in a good way. ? 4 hold on tightly \| let go lightly

:: 2007 1 January :: 3.27pm

Just to clarify for those who have questioned, I am not pregnant.

And the term "preggers" drives me absolutely nuts.

4 hold on tightly | let go lightly

:: 2007 1 January :: 2.21pm

so yeah i'm really sick and didn't even get to have any fun last night because i was lying on the couch in absolute pain and had to have roman get me medicine and yeah i had a fever and ahhh it just sucked!! i feel a little better right now finally but once the drugs wear off i'll probably feel crappy again. man!

:: 2006 30 December :: 3.35pm

i am posting this because it brings back happy memories.