rockon14
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2004 12 April :: 3.32pm
:: Mood: stressed
I Hate School
My Daddy and I got into a big fight over the phone yesterday. It sucked. I cried all afternoon long.
I started crying at Jillian's because I didn't want to go back to Carrollton...and then I cried in the car all the way back to Carrollton.
I mean I love some of the people I've met. I mean I really really do love them and we have good times when we're all together, but I can't imagin living here. Right now I'm so fucking stressed out with school. I just want it to end. I want it to all be over so I can go back home and never ever come back here again.
I tried to tell Daddy that but he didn't seem to understand.
I miss Meliss, Nick, Sam, and Brent too.
I miss them all.
I want to go home.
You can't make me talk!
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rockon14
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2004 11 April :: 3.31pm
:: Mood: cheerful
I feel like dancing today.
Yesterday I stayed in and slept. I felt all popular becase Scott and Melissa called me wanting to do stuff...but I was sick and icky so I stayed in bed.
I called Melissa this morning and told her that I simply had to get out. We didn't actually go anywhere until like 6:30. We went to Gwinnett place mall so Melissa could buy Easter clothes. That mall has become so ghetto...it makes me frown. But in the end it was okay, because I bought some dippin' dots which where so kick ass.
After the shopping we left for Jillian's. Nick got his job back there so we sat with him. Melissa and I spent a lot of time in the bathroom having secret Bekie and Melissa chats. We then went out and found poor Brent who was in the game room. He made a comment about me getting with this guy I don't like so I had to go back into the bathroom and cry. Not a big cry, just a little cry. Then we went back out and found Brent and I hit him and said "You made me cry" and then he was like "I was just kidding...I'm sorry." Melissa and I then realized that Sam had been all by his lonesome at the table for like 20 minutes so we returned to him. We were gonna see a movie, but Sam had to get home so we drove around and bought coffee instead. I love French Vanilla Coffee.
You know what I've discovered, Brent is like the only guy I know who has that super cool hug pick up thing mastered. When I told him I was feelin' kinda crappy he gave me one (because they always make me feel better) and he managed to avoid my tattoo, which is still kinda sore. Later that night Sam also gave me a hug like this. Sam sometimes does it right, but this time he hit me right it the tattoo and I screamed. It was okay though...he didn't mean to. So the point is, Brent should give classes on how to hug Bekie correctly.
My daddy's kinda pissed about the whole tattoo thing. Yeah I told him...I always go for 'honesty is the best policy' with Daddy.
I still love my tattoo
Jeremy took a picture of it. I'm gonna post it on here as soon as I get my lab top back.
You can't make me talk!
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rockon14
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2004 6 April :: 3.30pm
:: Mood: crazy
I'm not dead!!!
That's right! I'm not dead!
How excellent is that!
So...let's seee...there's a valid reason why I haven't updated, but I have to tell you about my weekend first. Now what did I do??? Oh yeah!
FRIDAY
I went to a concert with Melissa. Before that I ate some ice cream, but I ran for like 15 minutes...so I think it's alright. After that we went to O'Charlies and ate. We made a new waiter friend named James who asked us to come back and see him some time. I felt kinda bad, because we were cheating on Brent, but we had a good time none the less. What Brent doesn't know won't hurt him.
SATURDAY
I woke up and said to myself, "If I don't get my tattoo today, I'm not getting it at all." So Sam and Melissa came over and we went to the DMV. Ends up you have to have a birth certificate...so we went back to my place and searched for it. It only took us like 3 minutes to find it, which was super awesome. We waited like 10 minutes total at the DMV, which was freakin' amazing. And then I had my ID!! So we headed for the tattoo place, but Sergio was busy, so I made an apointment for 7 and we all ate pizza. Nick joined us for a little, but then had to head off again. So finally 7 rolls around and we go to the tattoo place. He didn't actually bring me in until like 7:45 because he had to get everything ready. I was kinda nervous about the pain and all...but I wasn't gonna let that stand in my way. Sergio was like "Are you ready?" and I was like "Hello yeah." Serg was so awesome, he made me feel so comforatable. It didn't hurt that much at all. To me it kinda felt like someone writing on my back with a ball-point pen and pressing down too hard. Melissa stayed with me. The hardest part about it was after like 10 minutes I started to get really bored. I almost feel asleep at one point, because I was laying on my stomach. Finally it was finished. It's the most beautiful thing ever! I'm so happy I got it! The first thing we did was go to Jillian's real quick and show Brent. He told me he was proud of me. Then we went to Waffle House and ate.
THIS WEEK
I'm in a lot of pain because of the tattoo, but I still love it to death. Nikie's hangin' out with me in Carrollton because it's her spring break. It's all cool
Mmmmmm...I love my tattoo!
You can't make me talk!
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rockon14
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2004 1 April :: 10.45am
Nikie
My kid sister wrote an entry with my name as the title, so I figured I'd do the same.
You know it's weird because most siblings don't get along, but Nikie and I are pretty cool. She reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age. She thinks she's all fat and ugly, but she's not. She's super cute, she just needs more self confidence.
Nikie and I should go on some sort of awesome trip.
If only we weren't so poor.
You know what Nikie...your the shit...that's right THE SHIT!!!
Ahhahahahahha! Who's stealin' who's words now?!?!??!?!
That's what I thought.
You should go and check out her journal though....and leave her plenty of notes.
I'm off to pack...tar tar!
You can't make me talk!
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rockon14
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2004 31 March :: 10.44am
Stress
I'm so ready for this semester to be over.
I don't know where I'm going with this entry...so just run with me if I start to bitch about random crap.
Dude I hate Carrollton. I woke up Sunday morning and I thought I was gonna cry because I knew I had to come back here. I'm just feeling the stress of not having a real "home" I suppose. Living in my parent's house frustrates me to no end. It's like I can't ever do anything to satisfy them. I don't understand how my step-mom operates. I mean I love my little sister to death, but she's getting so fucked up right now she about to become some fucking drug addict and end up just like our mother, and Carolyn (step-mom) fucking rewards her for it. I forget to make my stupid bed and I'm going to hell. I just don't get her. I would so love to get an appartment with someone or something, but the thing is I'm only in Lawrenceville on the weekends, so what's the point of having an apartment that I only live in on the weekends and during my break. I know that I can't afford that. And there's no way in hell that I want to live year long in Carrollton. Like Jeremy said, "Once you've been here for a couple of years they suck you in and you'll never leave." I'm so afraid of never leaving here. I know my Daddy wants me to get married to some nice Carrollton boy and settle down and become a teacher. I just can't do that. I think he's finally starting to understand that I can't just live like that. God I would be so miserable every fucking day of my life.
I really think that the only thing that keeps me in such a great mood all the time is my awesome friends. I mean I can't even express what Melissa and Nick have done for me. It's so crazy. Just to think without them I'd most likely be very very sad and lonely right now. Even the people in Carrollton are amazing. That's what makes me want to come back for another year. Just going out spontantiously for smoothies or skipping class to watch TV, that's what makes everything so beautiful. And of course Alyssa in the dorm room. I honestly felt sad about leaving our little room last night. It'll only be ours for another month, and in a way it has become like my little home away from home. I don't think it would be that at all without her. Even the people that I've just met, like Brent. I mean when he told me I had to come home every weekend just so I could come and see him, that made me feel so kick ass. Just that feeling of people wanting you to be around them...that's so great.
So what do I want to do with my life...
I want to wake up in the morning and decide that I just need a little change here or there., just to keep my life exctiting.
I want to perform...even if I have no money
I want to travel
I want to be happy being myself
Oh yeah...
and I want to marry a rich, hot, rock star.
Hmmm, I am still so 13 somewhere in there.
Man, I feel like laughing.
You can't make me talk!
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rockon14
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2004 28 March :: 10.44am
The End of My Spring Break
Awww...small tear.
Wed. I had no update because I did absolutly nothing all day long. Brent was supposed to call but didn't, and then get this, Melissa was all jumping on me because I didn't call him! She was like, "What if he got into a car accident...what if he's dead?" I was like "Awww, that would be sad. But if he's dead, he's not gonna pick up his phone, and if he's not dead...well then he's at work and he's not gonna pick up his phone. So I have saved myself the trouble of calling and having him not pick up his phone." After that reasoning I felt like I had done something, so I rewarded myself with some icecream.
One of those days between Tuesday and Friday I went to Melissa's work and then another day I went to Jillian's...but I don't really remember much of that.
Friday Teresa got home!!!! I was so super excited. She and I along with Scott and Chris all decided that we needed to go and hang out. Ressa said that she just sort of wanted to sit down somewhere so I informed Scott that we were going to Jillian's...because Scott is my bitch and I like to think I can just do stuff like that with him. Nobody seemed to like it there. I mean, they didn't even like Brent. I was sad. I was all like, "Awww, none of my old friends like my new friends." Oh well...doesn't really matter anyway. After that we all went and played pool forever. I like pool more now than I did before Friday, because in one game, I actually sorta kicked some ass. I was so excited. At around 2 am we all decided it was time to go home...so we did.
And that's it.
I wish my spring break would have had more cars that are on fire...that would have been awesome.
You can't make me talk!
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munkysaurus
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2004 28 March :: 5.38pm
:: Music: Incubus - Southern Girl
The sonic material brain manifestations of those of the numb, come...
Yo' yo' check it, check it. Let me break it down to you.
I set a date
lost a mate
gained a new found
sense of hate
The worl' is stuck
in the 18th century
I lost
another thing dear to me
Now, I can't bust the beats
I can't rap, I can't rhyme
Why the fuck am I wastin'
my fuckin' time.
My job, yeah, she's a
bitch
All the people do is
snitch
Nag, and rag,
what a fuckin drag!
Cough*
I miss Jessica
I miss not doing anything in art class
I miss talking about sex in Anatomy
I miss the ability to have passion towards drawing and writing
You can't make me talk!
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rockon14
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2004 24 March :: 11.57pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Every word I say
What am I looking for?
Tonight I just feel so confused it's almost like it's frustrating me.
Almost like I'm in the middle of all this string and it's all knotted and I'm trying to untagle it, but it's taking so freakin' long.
I suppose everyone that wants to get married knows what they're looking for. I mean you have this plan of what he'll look like and sound like and feel like. You're so sure that from the very moment you see him, you'll know, because you have his perfect image maped out in your mind.
You know just what you want.
You know what it is that you're looking for.
And then one day, you meet someone. It's strange because you just get this feeling and it catches you off gaurd. This isn't that person that you've dreamed up in your head. This isn't your prince charming. Yet he's absolutly everything you could have even wanted or needed. You're not having to "settle" for something. It's like this perfection almost and this voice in you is screaming "finally."
He's nothing like anything you ever wanted
And yet he's everything you've even wanted
all at the same time.
Maybe it's because you didn't see him coming...or maybe it's because you're still so afraid of being wrong or out smarted, or just fucking loosing this one amazing chance.
God I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
I suppose this is the type of entry that's usually private, but I just need to know that someone else out there understands what I'm talking about.
Does anyone else out there understand?
You can't make me talk!
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rockon14
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2004 24 March :: 1.18am
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: Broken Angel
Trivia Tuesday!!!
Today was the official mixing of my Carrollton and Gwinnett friends. It turned out to be soo super cool!
We got there right at 7 when we were all supposed to meet. While headed for the door Melissa gets a call on her call phone. I hear the person ask for Bekie and I immediatly know it's Jeremy. I was like "It's Jeremy!" and grabbed the phone from her. He was like, "I can hear your voice!" and right before I was gonna say, "Of course you can...we're on the phone!" he was like "Turn to your left," and there he was with Daniel. I was sooo excited and I introduced everyone. When we got inside Brent was like right there at the little hostess tabel thing. He was like "You know these guys? They've been standin' around here forever, I started to think they were the new door gaurds!" Jeremy (or Daniel, because I was only paying attention to what side of my body the sound was coming from) was like, "Yeah, we were gonna come in and ask you if you knew Bekie." Brent came back with, "And I would have been like 'Yeah, of course I know Bekie!'" and then pulled out the pictures I gave him of me from his wallet. I felt all popular and cool. We all sat down and started to talkin'. A little later on in the night Sam arrived and so did Daniel's girlfriend, Emma. We all had such an amazingly awesome time! We named our Trivia Team "We Win" and the best part was we did actually come in 3rd place and won $10 house cash! It was sooo fucking awesome! Eveyone got along and it made me soo amazingly happy. It was just like the best night I've had in a seriously long long time.
There was one down point though....
At one point I made the statement, "Wow, everyone's hitting on me tonight." I wasn't even being serious...I was just playing around. Brent did this little laugh sort of thing and then said "You're concieded." but it was like he was being serious. I mean, it's just this is the first time in my whole entire life that I've felt okay about myself, but I don't want to be full of myself. It really makes me want to just go back to putting myself all the time and even hating myself to the point where it was almost unbearable. To just sort of be safe.
I dunno.
I think I'm just gonna not let it bother me. If I don't think about it, then it won't bother me. I suppose I'll just have to watch what I say from now on.
So tomorrow (actually, today since it's like 12:50) I'm going to play some sort of game that's kinda like tennis but not with Brent. He invented it, I've forgotten the name, but whatever. Evidently it's like the best game ever...but the thing is I don't do sports at all and I am so out of shape it's not even funny. So...we'll see how that works out.
I FUCKING LOVE SPRING BREAK!
You can't make me talk!
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rockon14
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2004 23 March :: 1.17am
My AWESOME Saturday...wait, it's monday
Okay I'm going to teach everyone a little lesson about Bekie...
SHE CAN'T FUCKING SPELL!
I really can't. I like to believe spelling is a talent, like singing, and I just don't have the talent for it. Spelling sucks! I've never, never been able to do it...and since this is an online journal I don't pay attention half of the time anyway.
So just today Sam informed me that I've been spelling the word "awesome" wrong all this time. Which is sad because I use it soo often. So now I'll try and make it "awesome" instead of "awsome" for all you people out there whole love spelling. My opinion...awsome looks way cooler...so fuck you.
I'm so confused with the fact that today is Monday because I want to think it's Saturday, because I did stuff.
Here's what I did:
I went to work with Melissa. She works for this baby photo place called Kiddy Kandids (or something like that.) For the most part this portion of my day was just as boring as it sounds. Nobody wanted any pictures, so eventually I dressed up in all these kid things and Melissa took all these super cool pictures of me and then printed them out. I'll see if I can't post them somewhere later. This took up a good bit of time, because after we took the pictures we had to make borders and such and deal with pricing and then print them out and cut them and such. They were so cool. The rest of the night we just sort of sat around. Sam showed up a little later with McDonalds, which was super cool. Oh yeah...and I flashed Melissa (okay, didn't really flash her because my bra was still on.) I was wearing this really low cut shirt (it was really a dress but I was wearing pants with it as a fashion statement) and we were in the back trying to decide how low I should wear it, when I just went "how about this" and just pulled it all the way down. Melissa screamed and I danced out of the back yelled, "I flashed Melissa!" Sam thought we were crazy.
We decided that we all wanted to catch a flick, but Melissa had to stop home first to get changed. She called Sam on his cell phone while she was in her house and told him that her mom told her to just stay home, since she had class and junk in the morning. But she was cool, she had Nick there with her and such. So Sam and I decided to go to the movie anyway. We first stopped by Jillian's (it's right next door to the theater) to say hello to Brent. When he saw us he was like "Don't you people have lives?" I didn't answer that question but instead told him that I had brought him something. He came and did that pickup thing from behind and I had to retell everyone the story from last night and how Matt couldn't pick me up right. I gave Brent the pictures and he said they were majorly awesome. We didn't really talk to him much after that because we had a movie to catch. We went to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It rocked!!!!!
After the flick Sam drove me home and we talked about funny people and how they think they're on dates. I laughed a good deal. I love laughing.
I love everything right now.
It all kicks such ass.
I think Ressa and I might seriously go to Maine...I'm excited!
You can't make me talk!
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