"Vincent"
Starry starry night paint your palette blue and gray look out
on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul Shadows on the hills sketch the trees and
daffodils catch the breeze and the winter chills in
colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand what you tried to say to me and how you
suffered for your sanity and how you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls frameless
Heads in nameless walls with eyes that watch the world
and can't forget like the strangers that you've met
The ragged man in ragged clothes the silver thorn a bloody rose
lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me and how you suffered for you sanity and how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They're not listening still perhaps they never will

For they could not love you but still your love was true and when no hope was left inside on that starry starry night you took your life as lovers often do

But I could've told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think this song is really beautiful.

Of course someone asks are they still victims if they never realize it?

This is the first time I've been home in a while. Only the second night I've been home in a week. It's been fun. But a lot of things have been bothering me and hurting and...stuff. The other night we stayed up till 7:30 in the morning talking about things that made me realize everyone is not a friend. And last night seemed so great and I was happy. And then...now...It's changed.
I had to take a walk. I didn't care about the rain, if anything, it made me feel better. I love the rain. And everytime I heard thunder I prayed I'd be hit by lightning. Hoping I'd be one of the few. At least I could cover up these stupid emotions with pain. That'd be a lot better. Grr. Maybe today is just not a good day. But you know what is weird? I believe those stupid Jone's bottle fortunes...I got one on Saturday and it said:
"Wednesday is the day to make your move."
I'd forgotten about it until now. And I keep forgetting what day it is. Ha. It's thursday...last night was wednesday. Yeah. But anyway. I have to work all weekend but hopefully Casey and I can do something on Saturday.

It's been quite some time now. Let's see. This weekend was really really nice. Friday night was spent out in the rain and lightning. Then watching Donnie Darko. Saturday was an all-day movie thing and we just walked around a lot downtown and drank Jones'. Sunday we went tubing and hung out a lot and it was a lot of fun. Today we just...hung out and had a blast and talked and had fun and swam. And I got to see Casey a lot! :-) And tomorrow I am going to Becca's. Hehe. :-)
My dad is the coolest! He has a marvelous collection of albums. We jammed. haha. We also went out to dinner and stuff it was cool. I miss sleeping. Gah. Night. :-)

Well yes yes yes. I finished that book today. And it is wonderful. I love books. I'm so bored here at home. But this weekend I am GOING OUT!!! Finally. You can tell its sad when the highlight of your day is when you can go out...to help grocery shop. Yes indeed. But I need to help mom get good food, otherwise I'd probably starve. Ah ha. Tomorrow I get to see the band. Hehe. :-) That's funny. I have now started onto "Choke" and it's going to be good, I can tell. So...anyway...adios.

"It seemed that moment would last forever. That you had to risk your life to get love. You had to get right to the edge of death to ever be saved."

You think if I pretended to jump off a cliff she'd call me back? :-(

I love this book:
Fugitives & Refugees by Chuck Palahniuk. It's really interesting and it's made me want to go to Portland, Oregon someday. It sounds like a really interesting place to be.

"Our third night shooting on location, no one can find our meat. The set dressers and props people are pissed. They bought special cuts of meat for this, steaks as thick as dictionaries. Chops big around as tennis shoes. They spent time rubbing the raw meat with face powder so it wouldn't shine under the hot lights. So it would look okay on camera...

...Soon enough, the Dalai Lama will slap Rhonda Kennedy across the face and she'll become a force for the liberation of Tibet. She'll chaperone a team of Buddhist monk "skeleton dancers" on the Lollapalooza Tour with the Beastie Boys. Fifteen years after we spent our night in a bed soaked with cold animal blood, Rhonda tells me nothing is as nasty as sharing a tour bus bathroom with Buddhist monks:

They're not allowed to touch their penises and refuse to piss sitting down.
...
It's at some point that night the set dressers get word about the missing meat. The extra-thick steaks and chops, coated with makeup, fingerprints, and floor dirt, was ground into hamburger. By mistake, the day shift sold it all to customers."

Wow. Good think I don't really like hamburger! This book is really interesting. I won't ruin any more of it though. hm...
:-P

Philip K. Dick
Philip K. Dick, I find this man very interesting. Or so from what I've just learned of him. The movie Waking Life is really, really interesting...and odd. It made me think a lot about life. "On the way to discovering what we love we will find everything we hate, everything that blocks our path of what we desire."
So they mentioned towards the end of the movie the guy named Philip K. Dick. He's an author who wrote about 35 novels, one of them being Flow My Tears, the Policemen Said. One of the lead characters is named Kathy, and her husband's name was Jack. He wrote this story in 1970, now this is what makes it interesting, the following Christmas he meets a girl named Kathy. This is after he finished his novel. She was 19 years old, just like in his book, and her boyfriend's name was Jack. Everything in his book started coming true, everything in his book happened in a sequence of events to him in real life. Her affair with the police officer, the drug dealing, everything. There is one more odd thing that happened...
One day, Phil went out to get the mail and saw a strange darkened figure standing next to his car like he was about to steal it. He decided to approach him, something he would normally never do, and he found out the guy had run out of gas and had no money. So Philip hands him some money, another thing he would never do. Later on, after driving a little while, he realizes that the guy ran out of gas, and he has no way of spending that money if he doesn't have a ride. So he drives all the way back to pick him up. He brings him to the gas station and it's the same gas station in his book.
After figuring all these happenings are really odd, he goes to his priest and describes it all in detail. The priest tells him that everything he had written about was also in the Book of Acts. Philip had never read that. He started realizing a lot of other strange things that were related. He came up with a theory that "time is not real" and that "despite all the change we see, a specific permanent landscape underlies the world of change". He thought we were living in A.D. 50 instead of 1978...
Anyway, I thought that was really interesting that all that happened to someone. I probably bored you with this long long entry. :-P

My icon picture....:-D
i painted it today. It's been so long since I could actually paint something and I'm really happy with how it turned out. As for the rest of the day...not much has happened. I'm going to go watch Waking Life contently.

P.S.- I had a nightmare that my puppy Megan got hit by a truck. Three officers were standing in front of our mirror checking themselves out, doing nothing. I fell on the floor and started bawling. Jessi was there but she just sat there. My parents didn't say anything. And I woke up crying.
It was weird. No more eating before bed.

PART 2 of The Compilation of Lyrics...
-“Do the math the path is a narrow one it led me down to a cold and shallow grave. On my tombstone I read the epitaph ‘Here lies a man who lived and died a slave’.”
-“I’m trusting you to stab me in the back. Beloved betrayer.”
-“I just came by to kill you nobody was home.”
-“And if I die tonight, then I guess I die tonight.”
-“I was fast asleep dreaming I was rain. I fell from the clouds to touch your frame.”
-“Set fire to my home before I turned and walked back in.”
-“You soft and lonely, you lost and lonely, you strange as angels.”
-“Am I the star beneath the stairs? Am I the ghost up on the stage? Am I your anything?”
-“Suffocate me all you need…I won’t breathe but it’s ok…you’ll be somewhere around me…and I won’t need air…”
-“Take my hand, and lead me on.”
-“You’ve wasted all of your tears, on the only one who had never even cared.”
-“Those people that you know, well they don’t care about you, they live easily without you.”
-“It’s one step over the ledge, you’re fading fast into dead ends and tell me why you stand with tight wire and cold hands.”
-“A better slumber was in your arms spent tangled up in you.”
-“How amazing it feels just to live again, It’s a feeling that you cannot miss, It burns a hole through everyone that feels it.”
-“Without accidents you’ll never know what could happen.”
-“Does he lay awake listening to your breath, worried you smoke too many cigarettes.”
-“She had eyes bright enough to burn me they reminded me of yours.”

PLEASE READ! A Compilation Story-(Made Of Lyrics)
-“I wake up and think dreams are real I sleep so I don’t have to feel…the truth that you can’t ever be…the one person that won’t ever forget me…”
-“And some things are better stressed when unexpressed, cause silence can be overwhelming.”
-“I have seen the self image that they’ve forced you to reduce to shattered glass, with the only remaining value lying in it’s jagged edges.”
-“If I died sometime soon would you come to my funeral, would anyone be there? If I needed some backup would I be deserted? Does anyone care?”
-“Bathed in your radiance, I melt”
-“Will you lend yourself to beauty that will horrify? Let me hide within your black, the still inside your eyes.”
-“If I were sand and you were oceans…the moon would be why you’re pulled to me…”
-“I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would, but now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could.”
-“I’d blow this whole world to pieces to not be alone.”
-“It’s only cold when you sleep alone, and pink chimneys in Maine couldn’t keep me away.”
-“I traced all the letters on all of your letters. You never wrote in perfect lines and I never wrote you perfect lines.”
-“Under that threat of sky we lie together, why care about the weather. It only ends in dark.”
-“Flesh seems thicker, sandpaper tears corrode the film, and I need you now somehow and you’re my obsession.”
-“Sex, drugs, and image is just enough to get you by in the real world.”
-“Maybe you’ll kill yourself before you get a turn, maybe I’ll fall in love and never learn.”
-“Reality of this life will stare you in the face and hold your secrets in a latch-box case.”
-“I don’t have the strength to fuel a burning flame.”
-“The finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time.”
-“And whispered rumors of the way you wear you’re black eye like a badge of honor, soaking in the sympathy of friends who never loved you nearly half as much as I do (but irony is for suckers).”
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to be continued------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes...so...
Today was one of the longest days, I swear. I had to get up early and go right to work. And I worked for a really really long time. That's okay though, for being at work, I was in a good mood. Sorry Jess if I wasn't in a good mood when you came over later, it was quite a long day. I hope band goes well for everyone! hahaha. Suckers. J/k. I used to be one of you! :-P
Oh, I forgot to mention Jess/my little escapade. Thursday night, the night before we left, my parents said I could drive my car. It was quite a misunderstanding because they said I could only go to the corner but my mom said I could go driving on the back roads. First of all, I have no liscense. Secondly, there is no insurance on the car. And third, there is no liscense plate on the car. Hahaha. So we go driving and we decided to go to Becca's house. It was really really fun and I'm glad we didn't get caught or anything...I finally told my mom and she was like "Whoa, you are lucky." But she didn't really mind all that much. She's being really cool.
Anyway, that is about it.

So...

what is going on...hm.
nothing. I have a lot to say but my mouth restricts it. So do my hands, they keep me from typing it. What I need is a funnel for my brain. It'll center my thoughts and keep me sane. Haha. I'm rhyming. I have to go now...