it is starting to sink in.....

this really is going to be the most difficult thing i'll ever do in my life... the cacophony of emotions rattling inside me. i think my mini-breakdown a few days ago was a temper tantrum from little me, a defiant act before she's extinguished and i rise like a phoenix into my real self.

oh god i love jimmy eat world. Ian Davis hates jimmy eat world. we started talking again a little big ago and he was everything i could have ever hoped for and more.. and then he told me that. and we kinda stopped talking... what a sick, sad world we live in. hahahahaha oh shit this medicine is strong.

i am staying home this weekend. i don't want to go anywhere, i don't want to do anything but be comfy, productive, and heavily medicated. i'm going to identify my emotions 3 times a day and not procrastinate too badly. (last night i mopped the kitchen floor at 9PM after getting medicated with alexz, without having taken any aleve all day. i was so sore to start, but then i was like 'i reeeeeeally don't wanna' and compromised that i would mop the floor before doing it. then i texted some people because it would have been rude to make them wait and then i realized that is completely ridiculous and my friends would never want me to put them in front of myself while i'm trying to heal. (i feel so so weird saying that. getting better is immensely complicated inside my head. i think way too much)

so i identified (i always spell that indentified. always. at work, at home, only at work i don't use spell check. i must look so stupid haha) 3 emotions and i marked them down (i didn't have to) but i wanted to see if there were any patterns during my experiences and what not. my only wish is that she would have printed it on anything but bright ass fucking yellow paper. i have no idea why it is yellow. i just wanted something i could take out at my desk and look at without getting any questions about it. sigh. hahahahahaha first world problems.

i feel like a whiny bitch. so many people have it so much worse than me, so i should just be thankful for what i do have. but should i feel guilty for getting help that is available to me? is it terrible to donate to alleviate this guilt? what are the alternatives? how is that perceived?

is that even something people that aren't celebrities worry about? nathan at anchored art and his finance are going to kenya (i think it's kenya) on their honey moon to help kids over there build a school or something like that? how amazing is that?? i would be so scared to go over there... knowing that all those girls just vanished there, and being a woman myself, i would feel extremely terrified the whole time that maybe this village would get raided too. i don't know, i admire that greatly, and i would if i could physically and mentally make that trip, but i just can't. does that make me a shitty person? i feel like a shitty person.

but i hate human beings so much. it's like.. over the years my hatred has gotten softer, as i see people more like myself than as an evil them army. i have realized everyone is fucked up. my doctor asked me if i knew any ''healthy'' people.. i told her no, every single person i know is a little messed up. and that's what attracts me to them. i know they won't judge me too harshly and we can commiserate with one another on our traumas and maybe help each other heal or at least feel a little bit more human. (i didn't get that deep into it with her, but that's what i wish i had said). and she looked at me as if that was a weird answer! idk... i really don't think i've ever met a "healthy" person!!

i think i'm going to sit outside. :)

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