lalala

:: 2014 6 April :: 12.15am

I must hold myself in the highest respect if that's what I wish to receive in return.

:: 2014 3 April :: 3.08pm

"Although when I was near you I seem to smile too much like your presence lifts my mood. Lol idk its just that when I'm around you I also get nervous, like I already know I'm falling for you, you should loosen up a bit tho. Be yourself because that's what really makes me smile :) you've made my day the best on countless occasions and I won't ever forget how kindly you have effected my life. :) thank you beautiful :)"

2 loves | <3

:: 2014 29 March :: 11.27am

Sus is FINALLY completely out of my life. We separated the joint accounts, we separated the phone lines, we are done. Free at last, free at last.

In the hours preceding our meeting, my trepidation was close to my limit for mental stress. As I was driving, I was thankful for the distraction my unfamiliarity with the area created for me. I parked, I saw his car, we awkwardly said hi and made small talk. I flirted unashamedly with even man we came across. I updated him with how wonderful my life is, how I am friends with all those who had once been our enemies and how far I've come in the year since we broke up. He talked about that same shit he talked about last time I saw him. His hair was long, faded with faded dye on the ends, everything else looked the same. Nicely dressed, tired, creepy. We left the bank and went to the AT&T store, separated lines and then seperated ways.

I couldn't bring myself to say anything I wanted to. I couldn't bring myself to be mean. Honestly I think it would just be completely lost on him. All the psychological damage, all the horrible memories, all the fear, doubt, self-loathing and anguish he created in me... I just am going to let it go. I'm done with that part of my life. It happened, I survived it, I over came it and now I'm leaving it where it belongs -- in my past.

It feels very liberating. I feel like a huge weight has been shrugged off my shoulders. I can finally leave this all behind.

I love being alive. I love my life, this one I've made for myself. And it's only going to get better from here on out.

2 loves | <3

labyrinth

:: 2014 28 March :: 11.10pm

I like the idea of being a fruitarian. I can eat fruits all day.

:: 2014 25 March :: 5.20pm

I want someone to analyze shit with.

:: 2014 23 March :: 11.11pm

Why is everything always so complicated? Why can't it just be simple for once?

Cramps are killing me. I hate being a woman.

On the bright side... .... Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives! So are you who you want to be?

:: 2014 18 March :: 5.35pm

You feel like you're exploding and imploding at the same time.

It's looking at the stars in the summer.

It's making a new inside joke with your best friend.

It's happiness.

:: 2014 18 March :: 7.10am
:: Mood: happy

I'm thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they are perfectly aligned.

:: 2014 17 March :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: Cloud 9

Fuck. I am pretty special.

:: 2014 14 March :: 10.47pm

Party with coworkers..

Drunk adjusters driving home. Is something wrong with this picture? Signs point to yes.

Either way, whatever and fuck that noise.

I'll just go be goth in the corner haha

:: 2014 12 March :: 8.00pm

Reading an entry from 2006, I still feel exactly the same. This empty feeling, like something is missing. My life is so amazing, I really don't have anything to complain about, but it's still just missing something.

Surrounded by friends, I still feel lonely. All I want to do is lay in my bed and listen to music, smoke some weed by myself. Just contemplate where my life is, where it's going, where it's been. There is so much I haven't thought about in forever, things that shaped me into who I am, things I still haven't gotten over.. And I never spend time to think about them.

:: 2014 10 March :: 9.46am

I just want to sleep :(

:: 2014 7 March :: 9.09am

Something tells me he's starting to come around...

I haven't been getting to sleep until 11 at the earliest, and then it's up at 5. I'm so insanely tired today.. I want to go home and nap :(

:: 2014 27 February :: 7.08am

Hate List:
Double standards
Feeling jealous/envious of my friends
Smoking cigarettes indoors

:: 2014 27 February :: 5.56am

Sometimes I worry I'll never know what it is I want. Or I'll never get it. I am just going through the motions of life, doing what is expected of me.

I rebel occassionally, tattoos, piercings, kink. The more people I get to know, the more it feels like the only things to really look forward to is when I don't feel like I normally do. Either through intoxication or sleep.

But on the days where I get to spend time with him, I'm content to soberly watch movies while he catches up on sleep, using me as a pillow. I get to touch his soft skin and hair, I get to smell him, feel his warmth, his breathing. I'm reminded what it feels like to be alive and human. I missed physical closeness. I missed physical comfort.

And for the first time in a long time I'm feeling faithful, even though I have no duty to be. I don't feel compelled to sleep with almost anyone. I only want one.

On a completely unrelated note: it's almost the mother fucking weekend. Hell fucking yes.

:: 2014 24 February :: 10.04pm

He likes me <3

And I'm his favorite <3

And I feel so hopelessly hopeless. And so ridiculously happy. My heart is so full it could burst, but the pessimist in me is screaming this will eventually fail, crash and burn you.

But such is life. We only have today. The future is uncertain, and dismal. Emotional roller coasters are all that are left in this amusement park called life.

:: 2014 23 February :: 8.06am

Mission sleep over was a success.

Realization I'll probably never for into this world is sinking in.

This journal makes me seem either schizophrenic, bi polar or severely confused haha

But god damn he's fun.

:: 2014 21 February :: 5.43am
:: Mood: Hopeless

"Falling in love again, never wanted to.. What am I to do? I can't help it!"

It's like Mark take two. Only instead of a douche bag, this one is sweet, attentive, affectionate and let's me do naughty things to him.

Maybe I love too easily. Or maybe I just am overflowing with love. Either way, this one-sided, unrequited love business bites. But in the little things he says and does, makes me feel the maybe somewhere inside him there's hope. Maybe, just maybe, if I'm patient, he'll eventually be ready.

And the cynic in the back of my head is screaming about how this is a fools errand, and that he's already made it clear nothing will ever come of us.. My heart, of course, is doing it's best to ignore that voice.. And for once, it's working. I can't help but be an optimist about this.

And this the Jenga tower that is love has been set, and as I carefully maneuver the pieces to the top, the shaky tower wobbles and threatens to crash every day. It's exhilerating, stressful and fun all in one go.

:: 2014 20 February :: 10.25pm
:: Mood: crushed

Oh my fucking god I love him.

labyrinth

:: 2014 20 February :: 9.30pm
:: Mood: bored

Bored
I loved watching movies back in the days, but now I get bored easily. The Great Gatsby seemed like a good film, but I got bored half way through. There are also other new films like Frozen that interest me. I hope I don't get bored. Epic the animated film was pretty good though.

As for work, it's not working out yet. I have to wait several months to get a new job because my mom wants to build a house first. She wanted me to help her pick tiles, colors and style. So I have to stay home until the house is finish, plus I'm still on medication. I have to wait until all of that is over, then I can go back and do my own thing again. I want to go back to Phuket again. Bangkok is ehh.. Phuket is probably the best place in Thailand, with nice beaches and tourism. I miss the setting. I don't prefer to go anywhere else in Thailand. Anyways, I can't wait to get back to work. I'm bored as heck.

:: 2014 19 February :: 9.36pm

Sometimes I feel bad about farting on my dogs in bed, but then I remember they choose to sleep there even after I fart on them. Dirty secret fart lovers.

:: 2014 18 February :: 8.57am

Coming back from a four day weekend just reaffirms how much I hate being a personal injury claims adjuster.

13 voice mails
24 emails
24 file reviews
59 bills
30 checks
And my phone ringing off the hook.

I'm just so tired of this. Arguing with people over their medical treatment, sending out stupid letters, dealing with fraud, being treated like the enemy.

It just wears me down.

2 loves | <3

:: 2014 17 February :: 9.13am

Boys make me stupid.

:: 2014 10 February :: 3.04pm

Got home early today, thanks to samie's sister having a doctor's appointment and me being the driver today. Good fucking lord the snow is crazy! The best part is its supposed to rain tomorrow. We get like 4 inches, then it all melts. How silly. I just hope it doesn't turn into glare ice...

I got my tax return! I got a bunch of moolah, but I feel like it's all going to go to bills :( oh well. Living in 'murica bitches!

On the bright side, apparently my credit is getting better to the point that my two credit cards raised my limits even with a few late payments... I just forget sometimes.

Started my pills again a few days ago. Getting used to them fucking sucks. I feel so nauseated, light headed, spaced out, no appetite, twitchy. Luckily sleeping is seeming to be okay. I wake up at night, but I think I did that before.

I decided to stop smoking weed for a while. I'm on day 3, and feeling pretty good. I'm excited for the money I'll save! I've also decided to cut back on my alcohol consumption, as I think it might be why I have such horrible stomach aches. So far that's pretty easy too..

I look at my texting app on my phone and I just feel disgust sometimes. I think about all the people I communicate with and how none of them really ever are nice to me.

Idk, it's probably me just being a whiny baby. Maybe I'm too nice for real and need to be more of a bitch. I have no idea.

Ugh.

:: 2014 8 February :: 7.35am

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

:: 2014 6 February :: 11.17am

Talking to Shaunte has been a real trip. She remembers the young naive artist of 6 years ago, not the bitter and cynical business woman I have grown into.

She can't believe that I've stopped painting, nor can she believe that I'm bisexual, or single, or on anti depressants. She just has this pure vision of me, and now that I've let the world melt my views into something less than what it was (in her opinion) she has a hard time accepting the change.

It's kinda nice, having someone with so clear of a memory telling me about times long forgotten. I hardly remember half of what she says, but she's had to recover and had my memories fresh in her mind. I've been so distracted by all the things that have been happening I honestly don't remember most of what she talks about.

She want to come visit me. Or for me to visit her. I think I'd rather her come over here, since I'm so completely unfamiliar to Ellensburg.

On a side note: my tummy hurts SO FUCKING BAD and has for the last few weeks :(

:: 2014 3 February :: 10.14am

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my average and unremarkable existence.

Because out of 7 billion people, I'm the same as at least 75% of them.

A single drop in the ocean.

A pointless ocean.

:: 2014 1 February :: 2.11pm

I just want to get wasted :( is that too much to ask?

:: 2014 31 January :: 1.19pm

I'm so glad this shitty fucking week is almost done.

I have been in the worst fucking mood this week.

Ironically, this has also been the most sober week I've had in a very long time.

So here's to getting shitty tonight in hopes of erasing all the shitty from my memory.