lalala

Although wherever you're going is always in front of you, there's no such thing as straight ahead

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lalala

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:: 2014 30 January :: 9.16am

Andy emailed me.

I'm surprised and at the same time not surprised.

It's surprising because I won so hardcore that I was hoping he would actually be done with me. He was so horrified and disgusted by what I did to him. I like to think I cut him deep. I think he probably did more damage to me in the long run, throughout the duration of our friends with benefits relationship, but that last blow was like a TKO punch.

I'm not surprised, because he's a little bitch. This is the second time he's come crawling back to me. The SECOND time. The first time, ok I get it, whatever. He apologized and I gave him the benefit of doubt, gave him another chance.. And wham, he does the same shit to me, only worse. He's a pompous entitled asshole. A rich bitch. He doesn't value other people, only things and status. And right now he must be hard up for sex.

Well, buddy, tough shit. This bridge has been burned from both sides and there is no chance of rebuilding. Good luck being alone forever, fuck face.

:: 2014 29 January :: 11.29am

Made it 2 weeks without my pills. Broke down and bought them today.

I'm destined to be a pill popper for the rest of my life.

I fucking hate this.

:: 2014 28 January :: 8.36pm
:: Music: Jimmy eat world

Are you listening?
I was feeling free
With a little sweet and simple numbing me
What a dizzy dance
The sweetness will not be concerned with me.

Slipping into sweet uncertainty..

:: 2014 26 January :: 9.20am

Today is one of those days were I wish I didn't exist.

:: 2014 24 January :: 12.38pm

Life is too confusing.

:: 2014 20 January :: 11.06am

I hate most things today.

All I want:
1) cuddles
2) sex
3) sleep

I can't help but feel that this is entirely too much to ask for.

:: 2014 17 January :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: blank

Resting time or boring time? Not sure. My last job wasn't okay so I had to resign again and come back home. I don't know what's next. I miss my old job. I had the opportunity to create, but I failed at time management. I don't know what to say anymore.

I like to work around food, but my mom doesn't want me to work at hotel jobs anymore.

:: 2014 15 January :: 7.00am

I hate when my friends make radical changes after getting into a relationship. It makes me feel angry, defensive, hurt and confused.

I think I'll stay single forever, so I don't become a hypocrit.

:: 2014 13 January :: 8.37am

Today is a difficult day. Day two without my Cymbalta. It feels like high school again. Futile, finite, forgettable. All of which I know is untrue, but I'm just so sick of humanity. I'm exhausted at being a part of the whole, and I feel like nothing I do ultimately matters, so why keep trying to hard to win at life?

I don't like feeling this way anymore. So I'm going to try my hardest to will my mind to heal itself, rather than using medicine as a crutch to reach baseline.

It's hard to admit that I may actually be broken forever. I don't want to be. I don't want to be a slave to my own brain chemistry.

This battle feels endless. I know the day I die is the day it stops, but so does everything I hold so dear. So there isn't an out until something shitty happens and ends it for me.

I just wish I could be normal, emotionally. I just wish I could be baseline all the time. I wish I wish I wish. but those won't come true unless I spend all my money on drugs and pills and therapy. It becomes so old, tiring, boring.

I just hate everyone new I meet. People fucking suck. I hate humans. I love my friends, but there's only a handful of them, and they are all busy with their own lives. They don't have time to hear me talk about absolutely nothing and sob uncontrollably.

Its a sobering and depressing thought that the only person who has put up with it in an intimate setting for a prolonged amount of time was Sus. Is that really the best I can get?

Probably.

:: 2014 10 January :: 7.07am

It's not right.

:: 2014 6 January :: 6.36am

Life shouldn't be made of sad and hollow feelings. But it always will be. A pool of water in an inferno won't last too long.

:: 2014 5 January :: 9.18am

I've been sad lately.

I want angry sex.

Sigh.

:: 2014 5 January :: 8.10am

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell you I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you with first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

:: 2014 3 January :: 8.23pm

Drunk, listening to Disney, buying green.

If I told me this is really what adulthood is when I was 17 I would have slapped you.

But this is awesome.

:: 2014 1 January :: 7.40am
:: Mood: introspective

This was the first year I've been single. The first whole year. I've gone through an elevated feeling of awesome, to crippling depression, back to awesome. Overall I've been so much happier this year than recent years prior, and it's been an amazing journey so far.

I've rekindled lost friendships, found a few new friends and haven't really lost any that are worth remembering. I reconnected with my family, which has been a monumental achievement to me, as I never thought we'd be able to reconcile. Mostly because of Sus, but with him out of the picture I've finally been free to do all the things I've wanted. I moved out of my parent's house and into an apartment that I love with a roommate that I am close friends with.

I started a new position at my work, I got my AA degree, I paid off my debt, I did my first river float, I saw the East Coast. 2013 was a very good year for me. Of course I had little emotional hells here and there, but that's really to be expected, so I'm not really counting those in the final tally. No major trauma's occurred this year, nothing horrible that I can remember happened. Either that means this year rocked, or I just have the shittiest memory ever.

I'm closer now to the person I want to be than ever before. I have good feelings about 2014, I feel like this is going to be the year for a lot of people.

I hate making resolutions, because I feel like they are gimmicky and no one ever really achieves them. But I do want to approach 2014 with more optimism, open-mindedness and a go-with-the-flow attitude. I would like to stop taking my anti-depressant pills too.

Here's to the hope that everyone had a safe new year's eve, and their year upcoming is filled with awesome and happy.

:: 2013 28 December :: 8.37am

Oh, Mary Jane, you are beautiful. You always know how to make me feel better when my tummy is in knots and my head is pounding. Cuddle me as I drift off into dreamland. After I lock all the doors, of course!

:: 2013 25 December :: 7.26pm

had a really fantastic christmas this year. it was really nice, low key and fun.

dreading work tomorrow. can it please just be the weekend?

:: 2013 23 December :: 3.55pm

Happy birthday Samie!

No one can me to her party, so there was no surprise. Not even her husband. It crushed me, and obviously Samie was too.

I am so pissed off that people said they'd be there, and then everyone bailed. Including her husband and family members. Who she does anything for. It's just shitty that she's surrounded by so many selfish people that can't even make time for her birthday.

I'm just even more disgusted with people every year around this time. I'm a Scrooge for a reason.

:: 2013 18 December :: 9.01pm

I hate having to repeat myself, but it feels like every few months I end up doing it.

Vicious cycle, I want to break it, but I'm at a loss of how without losing everything.

Maybe some solitude will help.

:: 2013 16 December :: 10.38am

Ashita genki in nare. I hope.

:: 2013 16 December :: 8.04am

This business trip was a BAD idea. I guess all I can do is try to make the most of it.

:: 2013 15 December :: 8.53pm

Fuck everyone.

:: 2013 15 December :: 6.18pm

Landed safe in Philadelphia, laying on my hotel bed.

I like the diversity here. It's refreshing to see a minora in the lounge of the hotel next to the Xmas tree.

But otherwise I am feeling a little upset and a little sad and a little angry. I'm sure it'll be fine tho.

:: 2013 13 December :: 6.40pm

Days like today.. I am SO HAPPY to be alive. <3

:: 2013 11 December :: 11.36pm

Incomplete

:: 2013 9 December :: 12.53pm

Days Twelve and Thirteen
I missed a day because.. shit happens. Gratuity under the cut.

Read more..

I am starting to regret this living situation. Hopefully as time goes on it will get better. Really I just see so many little things that drive me crazy. Particularly that stupid excuse it seems all of my friends use when they really need to be taking care of themselves: "I can't afford any more medical bills." So basically what you're saying is you'd rather push everyone away, make your life a million times worse and never obtain the things you want because you refuse to get the mental help you need. It's not like your health will wait until you make more money. And in the mean time, while you're deciding not to get help because you are a selfish asshole, people around you are getting hurt, your family relationships are falling apart, and you are well on your way to a complete mental break, which will end up costing you far more money in the long run. But you're right, it's completely understandable that you don't want to spend $100 now (rather than on say, junk food or booze) and just pay $20,000 for your inpatient psychiatric care or have your family pay for your funeral. That makes total sense to me.

Really I just see so much of my 13 year old self in her. And as much as I want to help her, I know that when I was 13 you couldn't tell me what to do. I was just going to do it. The first step in getting better is having the desire to do so. Quite frankly, I think that some people (as one of them myself, in the past) really enjoy being depressed, low self-esteem whiners because it gets you some attention. Not really GOOD attention, but when you live your life hoping someone notices you, any attention feels good.

I just don't know how you can be 30 and still having all these pre-teen issues. It's been this long and you still aren't tired of feeling bad all the time?

:: 2013 7 December :: 10.35am

Day Eleven
I'm grateful for my sister. Without her if probably go fucking insane. She keeps me grounded and helps me build proper perspective. But best of all she helps me improve myself. I love you, Zuzu.

I'm grateful for cookies and bacon on cold days. They really help sooth the savage soul inside me.

I'm grateful for being able to change my mind on what I believe. The perpetual evolution of my beliefs makes life a little more bearable.

------

Shit is fucking hard on the home front.

:: 2013 6 December :: 4.41pm

Day Ten
I'm grateful for drama tv, Viking friends, and emotions.

First huge blow out with the roommate. It's pretty intense and I felt horrible. So I apologized and I'm ready to move forward and she's not still.

I'm worried about the future now.. Bleh.

:: 2013 5 December :: 3.32pm

Day Nine
I'm grateful for lazy Thursdays with my family. Watching movies from the 40's, cuddling with puppies and cooking. It's nice and relaxing to just chill for a day.

I'm grateful for the social changes that have happened in the past few decades. It could always be better, but it's better than where we started!

I'm grateful for naps. I love sleep so.

:: 2013 4 December :: 10.00am

Day Eight
I'm grateful that Matt didn't show up. Fuck that guy. Lying sack of crap.

I'm grateful for crossfading, leading cause of me not having hangovers after feeling really messed up.

I'm grateful for all of my friends. They have been so sweet and supportive, when though I haven't always been. They make it easier to get up in the morning :)

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