godessalthena
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2013 4 December :: 5.28am
Rest in peace, Chica. We loved you with all of our hearts, where you will remain. You will be missed.
2 loves |
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 3 December :: 6.50am
Gotta clean the apartment today. I already have the sweeping mostly finished, the kitchen I did yesterday. Just need to mop and wash the bathroom and I'll be gtg. It's not a very big place, but my back already is tired and I've been cleaning for about an hour.
I need to learn patience. I think living here will help me with that.
Day Seven
I'm grateful for Chica. She has been a good dog for the past 15ish years. I can't believe it's probably over. :( it was all I could do not to cry last night, and I had to leave because I just couldn't deal with it. I'm going to really miss Chica Bica the Ant. And her little butterfly piggy tail.
I'm grateful for breasts. They are so lovely and nice, soft and pillowy, beautiful and sultry.
I'm grateful for comfy beds. They have saved my life a time or two.
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 2 December :: 10.30am
Day six
I'm grateful for being alive. I think I often wish I could stop existing, but for the most part in really glad to exist and I don't particularly care to find out the alternative.
I'm grateful for Sundays where I get to have an awesome time and listen to some awesome guitar playing!
And I am grateful for this pair of pants lasting as long as they did!
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 1 December :: 9.56pm
Day five
I'm grateful for intoxicants, without which I would be dead.
For sex, as it's been my greatest motivator in life so far.
And for phone that can be used as a computer!
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 30 November :: 9.23am
Day four
I'm grateful for my friends Samie and Lauren. They are my two best friends in the world, and I don't know how I survived without them. I'm grateful for being alone/single for the past 10 months and being able to find out things about myself. It's been very interesting. And I'm grateful that I met my neighbor yesterday and he said we could use the washer and dryer :)
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 29 November :: 10.28am
Day three
I'm grateful to have a career in a company I can feel good about being a part of it. I don't like my current role, but I love the company and I don't trust other companies. I'm grateful for colors. They are my favorite thing. I'm grateful for mysterious tv shows.
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 28 November :: 10.03am
Day two
I'm thankful for living in a state in this country where I am free to be myself. Whoever that ends up being. I'm thankful for Bjorne being such a sweet and good dog, he's the light of my life. And I'm thankful for reconnecting with my family. I feel so much more complete now that I am close with them again.
3 loves |
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 27 November :: 6.04am
Wanted a TED talks about positivity and happiness. So, calling out three things I'm grateful for over the next 21 days.
Day one:
Im grateful for kittens and their adorable antics, for puppies and their sweet faces, and for warm soft jackets because they keep me toasty and comfortable and make me feel safe.
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 26 November :: 2.37pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Pandora station: Modest Mouse
Got off work early today, so I decided to take this time to do my hair. So while it's processing, I'll write things... and stuff..
Firstly, I love this apartment. Our neighbor might be kinda creepy, but otherwise it's lovely. It's cute, great location, and I like my roommate too. And the puppies seem to love it too. And they get along with the kitty, which is sooo cute.
I was pretty apprehensive about moving out, but I am feeling pretty good about it now. I miss seeing Zuzu every morning and I miss hanging out with the family, but it's so close it's not really a big deal. I'm really proud of myself -- I've been keeping up on the dishes and the kitchen, so it hasn't gotten out of control. Granted, this is only week two, but things can go awry very quickly haha
I still need to organize my room and what not, but mostly it's clean. The apartment is pretty cold, but that's to be expected with the windows and skylight. I'm thinking about getting some curtains or something to help insulate in here better. And make it charming :)
I bought furniture to go inside the apartment, and it should be here around 12/17. I'm so stoked, because all the furniture we currently have hurts my back. Then we'll have our house warming party to show off how cute it is in here. I am so excited to have my own place to decorate and live in and it's mine. Living with Sus, it was always Sus's stuff, and we couldn't decorate, and things had to look his way and what not. But now, we decide on things together, and we have pretty similar tastes, so things are working out well :)
I'm going to Marlton, NJ for a week to mentor employees on No Fault. I'm really excited about it. I bought some clothing and shoes so I can look somewhat professional over there. I bought a dress from Vanity ($10!!) and I wore it all day on Saturday, and it felt good! I felt comfortable and cute and that doesn't happen. It doesn't ever happen in conjunction. It was pretty radtastic haha
Steve's birthday was a lot of fun. I met some new people, 100% of them were assholes. I enjoy fucking with people like that. And I got to flirt and flirt my little heart out with no expectations of more happening. Oh how I love nerdy guys. No pressure, and they are so adorable. I was sad that Sean didn't feel well. I was most excited to see him, but he was dying in a corner. I spent a lot of time with Steven since it was his birthday, and it was fun hanging out with Ori like olden times.
All in all, last weekend was pretty good! And this week is short! Tomorrow is Friday, and then it's Thanksgiving and I get to hang out with the family alllllll daaaaayyyyy long! And cook, and eat too much, and get drunk!
Things are looking pretty fantastic from where I'm at. Now if only I could just remember that all the time.
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 25 November :: 10.19pm
:: Mood: aggravated
I WANT TO TOUCH SOMEONE ELSE.
1 love |
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godessalthena
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2013 23 November :: 12.54pm
I love orgasms. I can't understand not liking them. How is that possible?
1 love |
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 23 November :: 12.16am
I'm drunk.
I'm lonely.
I just.. Want some cuddles.
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 22 November :: 7.34am
One embarrassing moment and all the negative shit in my head starts snowballing down a spiral in my mind. And now I'm in a terrible mood. All I want to do is listen to music and sleep all day.
What's worse is it seems like every single person I interact with on a daily basis hates themselves, and are very vocal about it. It brings me down. There's only so much encouraging and complimenting I can do before is just have to say fuck it and be angry.
Why is life so frustrating?
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 20 November :: 9.05am
Sometimes everything just feels bad. Today is on of those times.
I just want to go back to bed and go to tomorrow.
1 love |
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 19 November :: 6.40am
Just don't let me down.. Haha
New apartment is fantastic! Tho I do miss my family :( way harder to move out this time than last!
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 15 November :: 10.17pm
Moving day tomorrow!! So excited I can't sleep!! (It could also be the 4 shots of white espresso and the liter of my dew....)
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 13 November :: 7.20pm
I am so happy. And sober. It's fantastic.
1 love |
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 11 November :: 10.08pm
Why does weed have to be so good? And make everything better?
I wish I didn't need it to happily exist.
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 11 November :: 2.42pm
Got prescribed some pills in addition to what I'm already taking. So far I've been sleeping a lot and feeling distracted.
I'm itching to move my stuff into the apartment, but I don't have all the keys I need to get inside. So I'm essentially locked out of my apartment! Poop.
I have a lot of emotions going on right now, primarily negative. If possible, I'm beginning to be even more bitter and cynical than before. And I hate it.
I really wish I had never been born. Just not ever exist.
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 10 November :: 9.33am
So the thing with Andy is over. And it's not that I expected anything more out of it than sex and a buddy, but fuck that guy has zero tact and is really a complete douche bag. I made sure he won't contact me again, once this new girl finds out how much of an ass hat he is.
But some of the things he said after I made him angry gave my ego a hard hit. I know he was just trying to hurt me and the things he said weren't true, but having an already shitty level of self-esteem, it shook me. It undid a lot of effort I put into feeling like some people actually enjoy being around me.
With all the awesome stuff going on right now - moving, friends, done with school, etc. - I'm trying not to let this get too deep under my skin. I'm just frustrated and upset. I hate feeling this way.
1 love |
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 8 November :: 3.19pm
It's Friday! And my boss taught me a new acronym:
FOIF
Fuck off it's Friday. It's my new favorite!
I get the keys to my apartment today! After, there will be waffles and booze with teh lala and Laura! Whoop!!
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 7 November :: 8.18pm
i love you much (most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky
—sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess
(except my life) the true time of year—
and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each
nearness) everyone certainly would (my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love
-- e.e. cummings
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 6 November :: 6.26pm
Done with my AA program. I'm happy I'm done, but it's pretty underwhelming.
1 love |
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 4 November :: 10.25pm
Setting with my first real crush/heart break? Yes, please!!
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 4 November :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: aggravated
This essay needs to just fucking write itself. fuck.
I chatted with one of the first boys I never had a huge crush on in my young tween/teen life. He's apparently in a open/poly relationship with an adorable woman and enjoys drawing naked women and smoking weed. It's like.. all my dreams came true haha
It's just weird how people turned out. I feel so lame, living the life I do.
I just wish I had more fun and less responsibility. Or I just didn't worry about being responsible so much. Maybe next weekend I'll just go and do something irresponsible. Maybe that will help.
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 3 November :: 10.36am
I hate that I'm someone who needs to drink or get high to feel ok with how I am. I hate how depressed I feel despite taking medicine for it. I hate that in order for pills to work, I have to take ones that make me gain weight. I hate that when I gain weight I feel even more insecure about myself, surrounded by friends who are equally as judgmental about their bodies and hateful towards their imperfections.
Really, I am convinced that because I'm fat I'll never be happy. This makes me depressed, which causes me to be ridiculously unmotivated to do anything besides drink and get high, thus adding to the cycle of weight gain.
What makes it even worse is when I was thin, I was still convinced I was fat and undeserving of love. So what's the solution? I've done therapy, pills, weigh loss and gain, religion, no religion. I'm still fucking miserable. The future is looking dismal, and I really don't know what the other option is. Misery or death? Life is a lose-lose people.
On top of these personal struggles, I seem to constantly and consistently hurt and piss off others. Not intentionally, just through doing stuff in my life. I get used by men, I use men. I just hate every aspect of life. Not just mine, but all lives. It all just fucking sucks.
1 love |
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 2 November :: 10.20pm
:: Mood: Defeated
Most of the time, you just can't win.
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 30 October :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: Ravenous
I want to fuck you like an animal.
2 loves |
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 29 October :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: weird
It always makes me feel uncomfortable how normal most of the kids I grew up with turned out..
<3
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godessalthena
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2013 29 October :: 3.40pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Idol rambling
I find that the last half an hour to an hour at work, I do next to nothing productive. I just think about what I'll do when I get home. And how excited I am to leave finally.
I often think a about the ice cream I have in the freezer, and I get so excited to eat it, and then I get home and I don't. I think I might like the idea of ice cream more than the act of consuming it, particularly when I'm alone. Maybe that's a metaphor for my life.
I also fantasize about all the people who must be secretly in love with me. It makes me feel happy and giddy, thinking that someday someone will leave me a secretly love note and it'll be an exciting adventure. And then they don't, and I feel like I'm just a weirdo.
It's so fucking cold outside. I hate when it's frigid and windy. But at least I got to wear a Totoro hat to work today! :3
Love,
Mamelia
1 love |
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