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2002 16 August :: 3.51 pm
:: Music: my mom's voice on the phone
... one person down today, two to go. but Kevin hasn't called yet... and we still need rides to and from Ben's. grrrr.... reason number 89798 i need a liscence and a car.
...so i'm coming home tomorrow... home... heh i don't even know what i'd call home anymore. i'm coming back to ftw until school.... god school in a week. i start shaking when i think about it. greaaat. i need some sleep.
psycho-analyze me |
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2002 16 August :: 12.42 pm
See Which Member Of Weezer You Are Here!
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2002 16 August :: 2.24 am
:: Mood: sleepy
look at your left hand
hot guys come in abundance in stlouis... i've decided. after we went driving with Nathan, and he was so gorgeous.... and i smoked a djarum in the tcs park... we got dropped off at allies at like 10:30. brian had called like 4 times and they had broken down from a flat tire in webster groves. so they couldn't come over right away. not until like 11.. they finally came and i ran out to give brian some stuff i owed him and i looked funny as hell. pajama pants... tank top bra... i run out like a madman and they're all standing there.. brian, ben, seth and kevin... ahhh... just looking at me. i was really hyper so i just started talking and i got introduced to seth and kevin, the ones i didn't know, and took an immediate liking to kevin... gorgeous boy he is... longish curly brown hair, tall, tan... gorgeous smile and blue eyes... ahhh... ok so he's going to be a junior at SLUH and i made fun of that, and he put his hand on my leg.. ohh.. so i sat and talked to all the guys for about 30 minutes and then they had to leave to take Ben and Brian home... i invited Kevin to come back and swim with us in like an hour and he said he's call when he could. and sure enough, at 1:15am, kevin and seth come walking up allies driveway to sit with us behind the poolhouse for awhile. we talked a lot more- although i don't think my friends liked it too much. .... but he left at like 1:30 and we came inside, and i was pretty hyper... ahhh hot boys ... we made plans for tomorrow and now i have 3 different people to see on my last night here. shit...
what is it with me and brian's unknown friends named Kevin?????
psycho-analyze me |
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2002 15 August :: 6.37 pm
:: Mood: morose
memory
....ahhh.... i love stlouis. i think elyse is having fun here. at least i hope so... i think tonight we might go back to the creepy crawl with Nathan and see some bands and go to allies afterwards. ... my mind is running about 9879 mph so i can't think of a train of thought.
tomorrow we're going to my brothers house. hoo-ray for him. you know what that means....
everything seems so surreal here. like its not really happening, or like i'll never really go back to ftwayne. especially with elyse here. almost like she's visiting me at my house or something. i don't know. after i had marie today, we went to the zoo and besides the fact that it was sooo hot, it was fun. elyse had never had dip 'n dots before so we sat and ate those on a bridge for awhile, and people-watched. there's more interesting people at the zoo then there is animals.
ahhhh i still need to call aaron and clayton and brian today.. i should probably go do that. ahhhhh... the only bad thing about this week is that, after everyone falls asleep, i've been staying up so late and waking up early.. automatically. i'll go to sleep at least 2 hours after everyone else and then wake up at least an hour before they do... ehhh i need help...
psycho-analyze me |
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2002 13 August :: 2.46 am
:: Mood: high
:: Music: norah jones- come away with me
shine down on me
i'm just confused why i'm not asleep.... 5 hours for the last two nights. last night i stayed up after the last person fell asleep at 4... didn't go to sleep til 7am... it just didn't feel right shutting my eyes.
allie comforted me last night after the other two feel asleep... she really did. but she also made me think more, which is dangerous in the early morning hours on a night like that. ehh sigh, sometimes i don't even know anything i'm talking about.
..i'm in love with norah.... but its almost 3am, and i think i might be the only one up again. ahhhh i wish someone else were here.... grr allie knows who i'm talking about
psycho-analyze me |
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2002 10 August :: 4.38 pm
:: Music: norah jones
Which Avril Lavigne Song Are You?
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2002 10 August :: 1.27 am
Kainoa9 [1:19 AM]: no i mean i remember talking with u and definetly wishing you'd be there to rescue me from rachel and whatever, and i liked that
.....ahh... after lowell left i started talking to taylor online... haven't talked to him in .. months. i remember when we used to talk.. first semester... ehhh. there was a time when i talked to taylor and never lowell, its funny now that i talk to lowell and never taylor...
Kainoa9 [1:20 AM]: where i draw a blank is the time where all that just kinda stopped and i guess i just started making fun of you/lowl at about then
...sigh. i don't know what the hell is happening..
so this is strange- writing about a night with lowell when i know he's gonna read this. bllppp... maybe i just won't write about it- its late. i should sleep.
god i don't know why, but now i'm thinking about taylor.. errrr. make me stop..
yeah and lowell... that definately should've happened earlier. i was just thinking about that- how horrible i am at making moves around you, but pretty ok at it with other people-... ask allie... i was struggling all night. ...it got late really fast.... ahhh all these random thoughts in my head are colliding at full force and i can't think straight. maybe the right words will come tomorrow.
1 psycho-analyst |
psycho-analyze me |
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2002 9 August :: 4.07 pm
i've been doin things that i don't want to do for at least 2 days... after last night at 10:30, when i was already exhausted of people, i got online and i had to deal with a couple different fights with people in my class. why is it that people feel the need to confide in me? even people that i don't even know very well....?
then lowell called around 12:30am and we ended up talking till 2:30am, and by then i was so wired from people that i stayed up till 4. sigh. i need some sleep. i think i might try to take a nap before we go pick up lowell around 8. hah, like that will happen..
psycho-analyze me |
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2002 8 August :: 10.35 pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: phish- billy breathes
slow it down some and have some space.... fuck you too
every time we say hello
to some new encounter
we're on our way
toward goodbye.
some distance
from the actual phrase
but moving toward it all the same.
the distance between those two words
becomes a little less
as we grow older.
be aware then
that tomorrow
is only tomorrow.
there is nothing to fear
except the coming of another day.
but two against a summer morning
are sure to claim one more victory
over chance and trouble.
if i seek your eyes
i'll do so with my own eyes only.
psycho-analyze me |
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2002 8 August :: 10.24 pm
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: ben folds five
amen
so.. today was... fun. i went to Lauren's with Elyse for like 4 hours... came back here, and immediately Ben Walker called.. i talked to him for like an hour.. and then Rachel called in, and i talked to her for about an hour. that was.. awkward at first, but then i kind of enjoyed talking to her. she was so ..forlorn and sad though. seriously. it wasn't like dodge-insecurity it was.. just sadness coming through the receiver. complete sadness. so i listened and said "uh huh" a lot and laughed at her jokes and told her we'll get together and i think made her feel better about the semester although at the end of the call i was feeling worse. then JK called in the middle, and invited himself over.. so then i called lowell until he got here, and he just left about 5 minutes ago..... ahhhhh.. so i've been occupied with people since noon. sigh. i'm exhausted. j'ai fatigue.
i think im gonna go sit on my ass and pretend to read my summer reading. i wonder where my mom is...
psycho-analyze me |
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2002 7 August :: 12.28 pm
in the end we're found
i should have told you
that love is more
than being warm in bed
more
than individuals seeking an accomplice.
even more than wanting to share.
i could have said
that love at best is giving what you need to get.
but it was raining
and we had no place to go
and riding through the streets in a cab
i remembered
that words are only necessary after love has gone.
psycho-analyze me |
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2002 7 August :: 11.07 pm
:: Mood: restless
shortcuts can slow you down
you lie bent up in embryo sleep
below the painting
of the blue fisherman
without a pillow.
the checkered cover kicked
and tangled on the floor
the old house creaking now
a car going by
the wind
a fire engine up the hill...
i've disentangled myself
from you
moved silently,
groping in the dark
for ciggerettes,
and now three ciggerettes later
still elated
still afraid
i sit across the room
watching you-
the light from the street lamp
coming through the shutters
hysterical patterns flash on the wall
when a car goes by
otherwise there is no change.
not in the way you lie
curled up.
not in the sounds
that never come from you.
not in the discontent i feel.
you've filled completely
the first july day
with sausilito and sign language
canoe and coffee
ice cream and wide eyes
and now unable to sleep
because they day is finally going home
because your sleep has locked me out
i watch you and wonder
at you
i know your face by touch
when its dark
i know your profile
your sleeping face
the sound of you sleeping.
sometimes i think
you were all sound
kicking free of covers
and adjusting shutters
moving about in the bathroom
taking twenty minutes
of our precious time.
i know the hills
the gullies of your body
the curves
the turns.
i have totall recall of you
and Ely street
because i know
it will be important later.
its quiet now.
only the clock
moving toward rejection tomorrow
breaks the stillness.
psycho-analyze me |
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2002 6 August :: 5.14 pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Jack Johnson
you're not the only one who's afraid of change
i'm stalling to get ready to go out... meeting Elyse to see a movie in an hour.
ehh my hip hurts. running on pavement sucks.. i wish my pool were open. wow. i just realized exactly what i feel like today... the most shallow person ever. anti social, socially inept is a better description. and its so easy to get out of the deep end of the pool...
1 psycho-analyst |
psycho-analyze me |
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2002 4 August :: 4.17 pm
:: Mood: dirty
all i really know is i don't wanna know
....ahh things go awry when sarah goes to sleep at 3am, only to get up at 5:30, get on a bus at 7..... ride 4 hours to indianapolis. ....things get worse when sarah starts talking in 3rd person. but yeah, the bus was hell on wheels. i got on late to say goodbye to my dad and had to sit in one of the only seats left- the very back right in front of the "washroom" which should, as i look back, be called the "shit hole"... every time someone would come back to go in it, which was about every 10 minutes for 4 hours, the smell would just hit me like a cold glass of water... but not a refreshing one either. ehhhh...
and my seat partner, a nice lady that gave me gum, just happened to paint her nails about 22 times... only to asphyxiate (?) me even more. hoo-rah. god i was light headed about the whole damn time. also, since i was the seat in front of the "washroom," it just happened to be the only seat on the bus that didn't recline..... fuck me... guess who didn't get any sleep while everyone else was snoring... damnnnn.
the only highlight of my day was a tiny 4 year old girl walk by me on her way to the "washroom" and wave...
god my head hurts.
i need some sleep.
psycho-analyze me |
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2002 4 August :: 1.34 am
i love my brother... and lowell and lil and elyse and allie and everyone. mgc and mike's hard lemonade adn smirnoff and budweiser are the best. hoo-rah.
3 psycho-analysts |
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