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1 psycho-analyst | psycho-analyze me

i want that day back....
.....headwaters with lowell earlier today. other than the fact that it was so fucking hot, it was pretty enjoyable. we walked around.. sat under a willow and played a game and walked some more... only to be followed by a shaky hug that i'm STILL glad i iniciated and a too-long goodbye...
random things that happened:
first thing he says to me when i see him, "you're brown"
i realize right away that i have really missed him this past month.. his smile, his hair, his laugh especially.. the way he looks at me, the way he gets nervous and excited.. all that came back at once when i saw him. but it was a good overwhelming feeling. i just wanted to kiss him right then.
then i started to look closer at him while we walked... how much i used to like him compared to now. how many flaws i overlooked daily..
we started to walk and i had to get my bearings a few times... in shock..
we run into ryan, adam adn brad... well, first we try to run away when we see them, but we end up walking straight into them 10 minutes later. it was so awkward.. adam, who i should have called back, ryan who i haven't seen since we had a fight (about lowell), and decided not to be friends..
awkward is not the word...catastrophic...
we walk a little more and sit under a willow and talk. my willow. finally got him there. all those plans that elyse and i made a month agoo.. here they were...
we ended up playing the "i have never" game and i lost horribly.. 10-6.
i'm in control. finally.
we get up to go walk back for our rides and we get really close for about 20 seconds.. i'm putting on my backpack and i can tell he's questioning whether to kiss mee. whether i want it. and i know i could easily face him and kiss him.. something i've been missing for too long
but something inside of me pushes me to walk out from the willow and away from the kiss... who knows why...
we walk around more and its so comfortable with him, i realize. so easy. so right. so.. exactly what i've been looking for. the funny thing is, i stopped "looking" with lowell probably about a month ago, and now i get hit with findint it.. funny how this worked out...
now we see my mom.. parting is always such sweet sorrow, or something.. we stand, close. i say i had fun.. he makes a sarcastic comment- never drops his guard down, that one-and i open my arms and say "hug"
i realize now how childish that was but it got the job done. we hugged in all our stickiness.. "of course," he says to my "hug" as if he's so glad the physical barrier was finally broken.
"write me?" he says. now its my turn to say "of course".. i realize how much of a constant he is in my life these days and we leave on a joke about ryan but no formal goodbye
i don't look back. i'm very proud of that.
i wonder if he looked back...
i'm so relieved (i wasn't sure it was possible) that we can have just as much fun, without all the physical contact. not that i don't love that stuff with him, i do.. but it makes us both so much more relaxed.. no have-tos, no commitment, just lowell and sarah.
just....2 more weeks till it will "lowell and sarah" in person again...
sigh
aaron got home yesterday, talked to him tonight for awhile, he's supposed to call back..
back to lowell.. i can still smell lowell. not on me necessarily, but around me.. in the air.. cinnamon. cream. i don't know, lowell smell.

ehh.. leave tomorrow for stl for 2 weeks. i should pack. here i go.

its getting hot in herre... no, really, my apt is sizzling...
i can't complete any sort of concrete thought today... i started 82897 different thoughts with elyse, and trailed off to a completely different idea entirely... ahhh... so much is on my mind, and Elyse's for that matter, that thoughts are constantly circling and circulating through my head. this hasbeen one of the worst summers when it comes to circumstance and "raining and pouring" but my summer compared to Elyse's, is child's play.....

hell in the sun....

so many random thoughts.... ahhh... list time...

a. take it back- a is for Adam because that kid is really pissing me off. we meet, have a nice good time, and he STILL is fucking complaining to me, two days later, about this and that... about how he feels i'm the cause of his depression, but only because he has no one else to blame. but its "his problem" he says, not mine. damn right its not my problem, i just started talking to him this week.... i mentioned therapy and he about took my head off... hey just trying to help..
b. But he called 3 times today- i didn't pick up.
c. Cause i'm a horrible person.. no... because i can't take that sort of thing right now...
d. toDay, i went to jp with Elyse, had coffee.. guys tried to pick us up.. i told them we had boyfriends because Elyse refuses to talk to any guys in public that she doesn't know.. and they said they would kick their asses. right, i wanted to give him my number when he said that, let me tell you... good times. i regret not hugging her at the end of the night though.... but she had to jump in Matt's car before he left without her... reasonable excuse.
e. Enough of that... ok, here's the deal with tomrorow. Lowell and i made plans for dinnerish time. and it was all set. finally, a set date with the boy. then he decides to tell me tonight that he has to work tomorrow from 5-8. great working hours, i might add..
f. fuck that. it really makes me kind of sad... just that he waits till the last night i'm in town to plan something and then brings out, once again, his unreliability that i hadn't seen in awhile.
g. God. so i don't know what's happening.. probably something stupid like lunch without so much as a hug. and i'll leave.. unfulfilled. not that i'm expecting anything... but the plans we had were something to look forward to. sigh.
h. i can't think of a word that starts with H... but on another note, i almost threw up after swimming today.. that can't be good... Adam says that type of thing is "physical torture" to oneself.. as if he's the psychotherapist-
He needs one. there's my H.
i. I'm really growing attatched to elyse... i don't know where that thought was going, i think thats the broadside of it
j. Joseph Valley is hot. and he has cool friends. too bad they're all 20.
k. K.. still haven't gotten that phone call from Aaron. he gets back from sanfrancisco tomorrow.. i don't know what to say to him. hey, how have you been? ... shit.
l. Lillian has been out of town for way too long.. and i can't remember when she gets back.
m. mmmk.. what else was circling around my head... once i sit down and try to write it all fades away. john Mayer is already sold out for august, some of the worst news i heard in months.. i'm still sad from that...
n. Nathan's birthday was yesterday.. i don't think i'll be giving him a "present" anytime soon.
o. Oh- that reminds me, i just got a present for Ben today for this bday next week. on my low budget i bought him a map of the usa, and some red shiny stars. i got the map out and marked all these places i want to "visit with him," or so the card says... ahh... my creative side fluorishes when all i have is 38 cents in my wallet.
p. i'm realizing now that i don't think i'm going to finish this list... actually i started to realize it around H, but thought maybe i could have a stroke of genius, or at least something semi-interesting would float through my brain.
q. nothing has.
r. so maybe i should sleep. i have to get up in 9 hours to swim for an hour, and last night i got next to no sleep, sitting up, stairing at the ceiling, and the tile in the bathroom.
s. did you know that there are 28 tiles in my bathroom? not counting the 12 half tiles that line the edges....
t. damnit, i almost told elyse about my bi-ness tonight. she's one of those types that i'm sure how she'll react. i'm sure she'll be ok with it- but maybe not ever fully except it, or do the same things she normally would around me. like sleep in the same bed when i spend the night, or randomly sit on my lap during a boring lunch period... those are things she doesn't even consider write now, and she shouldn't, but she would if i told her.
u. i'll tell her. eventually. no, soon.
v. it could be a catastrophe when she visits if she starts to find out a bunch of stuff about me that she never knew through random comments and conversations i have with other people. yeah, i should tell her.
w. ok, now i think you've noticed i'm just rambling on for the sake of finishing this damn list. i Want some alcohol right now... or a nice big feather bed.. all white.. and some apples and honey. i'm hungry... did i eat dinner?
x. i can't wait to come back to stl. a week is much too long here in the summer with nothing to do but swim.
y. yeah.
z. finally... sigh.. i need some sleep. here i go. hah. sleep won't come with aaron and allie and lowell and elyse and adam on my mind.... they take up way too much space. one alone could take up a whole night's sleep. that coffee i had not too long ago probably didn't help, either. damn the man.

elyse's was... really good. we sat and talked for a couple of hours.. just talked. like we used to during the school year when we got bored... we listened to music and watched a movie and ate with her brother and his friends. i must say, that is one good looking family.
i was sad to see 3pm roll around today... i miss just hanging out and talking to people. sigh

things ive wanted to say but haven't......couldn't.. shouldn't.. but will now:
1. first of all, i really think what you said is bullshit. i hate excuses, and i wish you could be more honest with me about everything. i wish you could see how much i need your honesty right now.... but you don't.
2. it was a bad time to bring it all up when you did. i didn't have any time for rebuttle, or argument and i sure as hell couldn't let what you were saying sink in enough for me to think. bad timing. now my head hurts and its too late to call.
3. i never expected anything from you- i had no expectations of what we could be, that's why i was always happily suprised when things turned out well. i'm not hoping for a relationship or hoping for friendship or hoping at all.... i'm hoping for us to be honest with each other, and the honest truth is....
4. i like you.
5. i don't usually like people... the emotion doesn't come too easily for me. and it did with you. which tells me something.. tells me the oppisite of what your gut told you. it tells me that something good could come out of this.... if only we would try...
6. i think you need to get past this whole "you're going to hurt me, i'm going to hurt you" thing. one thing that i have learned is that every single relationship i have had has been completely differnet from the last, and i can't compare them to the others at all. yeah, i've been hurt in a lot of them, but i've also had the time of my life... pleasure, bliss, along with the occasional sad night or week.
7. you've gotta take a little pain with every single good thing in your life.... even if it means taking a risk.
8. i feel so stupid saying this stuff to you, or rather, writing it. even though you said i shouldn't feel that way, blahblah... yeah i know i shouldn't. but still, i feel pathetic. .... i'm not one to chase, but something about this doesn't feel right. i feel like i'm trying to persuade you to like me, but that's not my purpose at all. i'm trying to understand why you said those things you said tonight. i'm trying to be reasonable and realistic. its not working.
9. i think my list should end soon, but it doesn't even feel like i've begun to explain anything to you.... it doesn't feel like i've done anything for the past 2 hours but think myself retarded... and i've ended up nowhere. i'm completely unexhausted, and lil and allie are asleep. or maybe just lying in the other room, but its cold in here..... i don't know
10. now that i think about the stuff you said tonight, its made me angry at you- and at myself.
11. i don't see why you think that you have the right to think about you and i and then tell me that you don't think anything should happen. weren't you the one that said we should live for the moment and that you're a on-a-whim type of guy? this doesn't seem like what you're doing to me at all.... it seems like you're planning, plotting, deciphering... figuring... measuring, and you don't like what you see. BE HONEST with me. hey, it rhymes. if you don't like me, i can deal with that. but not getting closer because you think you'll hurt me? i don't like that reason at all. i want a better reason.
12. you're not going to soil me. you're not going to do something wrong if its out of honesty.... you're not "bad" with relationships, there's no curse and there's definately not something wrong with you... you're 17 fucking years old. so you've had a few relationships that have ended badly, everyone has. it doesn't mean that you're the cause. it doesn't mean that you and i would end just like those. it doesn't mean anything- what is past has passed. i want you now.
13. i've gone through so many emotions today. 6pm... excited that i get to hang out with you tonight. 7pm... hyper as hell. 8pm... smoking. i'm not doing that for awhile, by the way, i decided. paranoid as shit.... 9pm... gettin to your house. paranoid. my head hurt. my heart was beating way too fast. 10 pm... i wanted you. i wanted to kiss you. i was so cold... 10:30 pm... we're in tyler's room and he's entertaining and i'm lying down and the thought crosses my head that i feel so comfortable with you lately that i wish we were closer... i wish that lying here on your brothers bed with you, putting him to sleep, would be somewhat of a tradition. i wished that we were together for a second, and it scared me. 11pm... i was confused by you. i knew something was up with you... you didn't seem like your usual self with me. you seemed like you wanted to get away. you didn't want to be alone with me. you had something to say, but i felt like maybe i didn't want to hear it. 11:30pm.. i guess i heard it, and it hit pretty hard. i felt like i could cry or scream. all i wanted to do was tell you how much all of it was a lie because i didn't want to believe that all my feelings for you were getting thrown out the window in one 10 minute talk. i wanted to believe something else. so i tried. it didn't work. 12pm... i'm sittin in allies room think about stuff. thinking that i really need to talk to you tonight but cant call.. too late. started the list.
14. i need some sleep.... this list has gotten increasingly sober as the night has gone on. i wish that you saw something in me, aaron. that's the bottom line. i'm sad that you don't see any sort of potential in me and i'm sad that i'm not worth the risk.
15. i guess after my lucky number 14, there is not much else to say. if i'm not worth the risk of getting hurt and hurting, then i'm not worth it and it was never meant to happen anyway.