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2008 17 December :: 11.53am
:: Music: "Love you till the end" by: The Pogues
8 More Days!!!
It's nearing closer and closer. And it's getting hellish at stores and malls.
Speaking of hellish, last night, me and my mom left to go to Muskegon at about 10 o' clock, and usually it takes us 45 minutes to get there...well, we were driving in a snow storm. It was hell frozen over on earth! It took us an hour and a half just to get there. And on the way there, we had a couple scares. Mom could not see the middle of the road, or where the side of the road ended, so we were basically just guessing on where we were supposed to drive. Then, the speed limit on the road we take is usually around 60 mph, well, we were only going 35, and some guy came up on our ass, at about 70 mph, went around us, and left us in a shit ton of stirred up snow, and that blinded us. The majority of the street lights were not turned on, so it looked like star wars out there with the snow flying directly into our windshield. Well, when we got to Doug's Grandma's house, we stayed for a little bit, and we would have stayed over and slept there if Doug didn't have to work, but then we were off. We had to go to Wal-Mart to get cereal, milk, dog/cat food, "white elephant gifts" for the kids' church, and something for lunch for Doug to have. We got all of that....and then some. And on top of it all, mom wasted a few dollars trying to grab stuff in the crane machine. HaHa. Well, the ride home wasn't as bad, but it was still pretty bad. And we were actually kind of surprised that the kids had school today. I mean, we were, cos of the weather and the roads, but we also weren't because this new super intendent is a dick. Yeah. But, we didn't make it home until about 1:30am. And I had to clear off the back of the van and help put away groceries on top of it. So, I didn't get to bed until 2am. Which is when Doug wakes up for work. I have to say, it was the first night in a very long time where I didn't get a headache the next day. So, I am happy that today I am not going to be depending on Excedrin or Aspirin. But, I have a feeling that might change once Ava gets home. She was kind of cranky this morning, but, I hope she got better during school. Then, I also have to clean up the dining room and clean out our back closet, which is a mountain of shoes and coats. But, it's better than the chores I had to do two days ago. Which included cleaning behind the toilet. Gahh. Gross. But the funny thing is, I would rather do gross stuff like that, than the dishes. HaHa.
But, I think that is enough from me. Bye for now.
-Samm d'Massacre!
4 riot's |
[[Let's start a Riot! in me...]]
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acidtears
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2008 16 December :: 12.33pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: "If I ever leave this world alive" by: Flogging Molly
9 more days..
It's 9 more days until Christmas, my favourite Holiday EVER. It's funny because I used to be all about Halloween, and I went to the complete opposite and went to Christmas. I think it might have always been my favourite, but I never realised it. Yet again, back when Halloween was my favourite Holiday I was into darker things. But, I should let you know, Christmas isn't my favourite Holiday for the religious reason. Not at all. I am an Atheist, so, I don't believe that mumbo jumbo about Jesus and what not. For me, it's the traditions we have as a family, and it's probably the happiest day for my family. Not because of the presents or the food, it's because we are all finally together. There's not as much bickering and fighting, which when it comes to the younger kids it is partially because of presents and food, but when it comes down to me and my mom and Step Dad, it's the family time.
So, it's in just a little over a week. And I am torn because I cannot wait for Christmas day, but at the same time, I don't want the anticipation to end. I like keeping the decorations up, and I love making the cookies and putting the frosting on them, I love Having the lights out at night and the only thing going is the tree and decorative lights in the dining room, I like the Candy Canes and Hot Cocoa. I love the feeling I get when I look out the window with a cup of tea or hot cocoa in my hand and I all I see is gorgeous white snow. I like the wreaths that are hung up on the door. I like making my Wintry welcome signs. I love waking up Christmas morning and seeing all of the kids smiling and laughing. I like the traditional Christmas morning Cinnamon Rolls and Coffee we have. If I could, I would live in that damn Christmas Land in "The Nigthmare Before Christmas". HaHa. I'm a dork and I am aware of it. But, hey, at least I am fine and content with that fact. Pretty Proud of it actually.
But, here comes my Christmas countdown. So, if you are grouchy around this time of year, hide your eyes from my blog. Because I can almost guarantee these posts will have at least one thing about Christmas in them for the next 9 days.
But, a grumpy little Three year old needs my help with getting colouring pictures set up. Bye.
-Samm
9 riot's |
[[Let's start a Riot! in me...]]
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acidtears
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2008 8 December :: 11.23pm
:: Mood: productive
Don't mean to flip flop..
But I am sick of feeling angry towards my dad. I am tired of feeling like all he does is blow the chances I give him. Once again, do not mean to flip flop, but I am done. I really am. And not done as in finished with him. I think me and him just need to have a heart to heart. No, he is not the easiest person to talk to, in fact, he is the hardest person I know of to talk to. About anything. Unless it's cars, Harley's, Tattoos, Music, or whatever else he is into. But, I really am just exhausted with this whole mess. And so I believe now it is time to clean it up. Try my best to make things work. Make things decent at the least. Any step forward would be better than this, right now. I think I am doing the mature thing, and also the best thing for us both. I don't want to have a bad relationship with my dad. I don't want the only things I say about him to be bad ones. I would really hate it if me and him ended up in the future with no communication or relationship with each other. I want to hear things from him first hand. Not from extended family members or my siblings. I don't want to look back on this and think "Why didn't I just talk to him about how I was feeling?".
So I am making the decision to talk it out.
"I think you guys just need to sit down and hash all of this stuff out"...I think you're right, Mom. And I trust you. So I am going to.
No more angry blogs about my father...I hope anyways.
Wish me luck.
-Samm
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[[Let's start a Riot! in me...]]
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2008 6 December :: 6.24pm
:: Music: "Bad Influence" By: Pink
Good times..
After hearing about my bad night, I am greatful to say I have a great friend who was willing to brave the storms to come out to my house. Jess, thank you so much. That made me night. And once again, I'm sorry I wasn't able to make it to your Birthday dinner. But, it was the first time in a LONG time you stayed at my house. First time in a long time anyone has stayed at my house. I had a good time. And usually you stay awake way after I go to sleep, haha. But, like you said, you were running on an hour of sleep. So, I can't really blame you for passing out as soon as I put the blanket on you. We didn't go anywhere, other than the store and Burger King, but we had alot of fun. We watched "Ghost Adventures" and made fun of the guy doing the show. "Are you touching me right now, Raymond?" "I don't care, I hate snakes. If I see one, I don't even care. I'm running away and screaming like a girl. I hate snakes." "No one should go out that way..in a shower...or naked." "Our gift to you is Aaron." "What the hell dude!" Good times, good times.
I want you to know I really appreciate you coming over last night. If it wasn't for you, I probably would have a horrible night. Thank you and I love you!
-Samm
P.S.- Thank you for the King Size Reese's Cups, Some of your Hershey's Bar, and what was left of your small fries.
2 riot's |
[[Let's start a Riot! in me...]]
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acidtears
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2008 5 December :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: "It's all your fault" By: Pink
Father dearest,
It hurt on Monday when we saw each other at Brie's concert and you didn't say hi to me, or even acknowledge I was there. But, it's just getting ridiculous. I am going to let loose right now, because everyone who knows about you, knows I need to. You ignored me all night at Brianna's Choir Concert. No hi, no wave, nada. Okay, whatever, maybe you wanted to get in the Auditorium quick to get a seat. Fine. But, afterwards, you give all of the other kids a hug and say you love them and goodbye. What did I get? I'll tell you. A cold shoulder. If this is about me and dropping out of High School and getting my GED, you don't have to fucking treat me like I just told you I was addicted to heroin. You barely look at me, you don't say a word, until tonight.
Dad: So, you're not going then I take it?
Samm: No, I'm not feeling great right now, I have to help with Ava, and I have plans with Jess this weekend.
Dad: *Corners Samm* Are you mad at Allison[1]or something?!
Samm: Umm, no, why the hell would I be?
Dad: You didn't say anything to her all night Monday at Brie's concert.
Samm: I said hi and had a WHOLE conversation even about hair colour.
Dad: Fine.
[1] Allison is my dad's girlfriend. Right it seems to me that maybe she is running to my dad when I don't have a whole lot to say.
I didn't like the way you cornered me and towered over me, like you used to when I was a little kid. I wanted to cry, revert back to the five year old scared of her dad. I wish my mother had spawn me and the 3 other kids with someone nicer. Someone better. Someone who wouldn't go a month or so without a phone call or visit.
I would never pull the trigger,
But I have cried wolf a thousand times,
I wish you could feel as bad as I do,
I have lost my mind.
Alot of my blogs are about you. But, I wish that for once I could have a good blog about you. You crush that hope all the time. Right now, you are treating me like a disease. "Stay away from her, don't touch, barely talk to her, and don't really look at her". This damn song is on repeat. Because parts of it remind me of you. I wish we could have a good relationship. But, I am done trying. I'm the one making the attempt, and when I try to find common ground with you, you say "hmm, hmmph, uh huh, ok". Your usual responses. Like my ideas are stupid. And sorry to say this; Wait, strike that. Fuck being sorry. I'm done with that. But, frankly, your girlfriend, Allison, seems a bit stuck up. She tips her nose up everytime she's around us. Everytime I bring up a thought, she makes me feel stupid. With her polite frown and "hmm" remarks. Maybe thats why you think we didn't talk that night. I was doing the talking, she was just saying "hmm". One way conversation. I mean come on, why her? Now Brooke, she was the best. We were like friends, her and I. Her parents(I still call them Grandma and Grandpa Miller to this day) took us bowling, to karaoke, etc. Her dad was awesome. We all watched NASCAR together, he got me those "Metal Edge" magazines I loved, they both spoiled us. What happened? Fuck that up to?
You know Dad, I want you to be happy. But, lately, I just want you to feel half of the hurt I feel. So, if you are going to continue to ignore me, treat me like shit, make me feel like a horrible person, guilt trip me, etc..... then don't come back for me every other weekend. I want someone who is supportive, understanding, caring, loving, funny, genuinely nice, etc. for a dad. You try. But, you can't wear that mask forever. You can't pretend to be a family guy who loves to spend time with his kids. Because come on man, we know thats not true. Or, if it was, you wouldn't ditch them for concerts, parties, bowling, and, oh of course...Allison. Don't worry about me anymore. The tears will evaporate, my smile will come back..brighter than ever. And it won't be my dear old dad who gave me the thousand watt smile. It will be my mom. Because she is the definition of a parent. You are the guy who likes to pretend he doesn't have kids. Especially me because I am a High school drop out who had a pregnancy scare. Sorry we aren't all as perfect as you. Bye.
-Samm
4 riot's |
[[Let's start a Riot! in me...]]
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