enjoy your dots!
i went to bed at 530 this morning. well actually i went to bed at 1030 then i had to wake up at like 115. i called Emjay to see if he wanted to come to the moon and he was like 'sure' you shouldve heard the confusion in his voice when i told him he had to be at my house by midnite. we left the house at 130 and went to bellview. me, laurie, brett, mario. it took us like 20 minutes to get there. the mars was stupid. just so you know. and their hamburgers tasted like beans. they had good popcorn though. we went to waffle house at 330 and mario picked a fight with this old guy who started chasing him with a crowbar hahaha. so we got home at 4...45 i think. maybe later than that. walked around the house for a bit then turned on best of the doors at 515. i just woke up. got my school stuff on friday so i gotta get some giant binders.

Hurt.
I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away but I remember everything. What have I become? My sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end. And you could have it all: my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt. I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair. Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair. Beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here. I will let you down. I will make you hurt. If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself. I would find a way.

Can't find the answers, been crawling on my knees
Not all things are worth the consiquenses. But this is. Don't worry. It's not drugs or alcohol this time. It has to do with feelings. And I'm scared to death about it. Because I know I'll somehow screw it up like I always manage to. I've also managed to push so many people out of my life. Because I'd rather be the one to disappear. And I never want to suffer like that again.

duh-nuh-nuh!!!
OH. MY. GOD. you MUST download this song. its probably one of the hardest pieces ive ever heard. apocalyptica-one. you have to listen to the whole thing. its really amazing. its starts off like classical maybe, then gets darker, and harder. by 3 minutes and 15 seconds, it has pretty much converted, and at 3:30 it is now heavy metal. oh, and you have to listen to the solo at around 4:20. im most definitely going to try to play this song.

i got antiqued last night. ugh..laurie comes in at like 1245 "hey, are you asleep?"..."uh. no."..."ok!" *POP* there was at least 3 cups of flour involved. all over my face, my hair, my pillows, clothes, floor, and basically everything. i had my eyes open too, so i get up, and my eyes are like shut so hard, all filled up with flour, and i open them and dough rolls down my face. i get up and start yelling at her, shes laughing soo hard, and i open my door. brett walks by "what happened to you?"..."ive been turned into a living piece of bread." 5 other people in my house, and no one had any sympathy for me. wankers. they all laughed at me. brett was so proud of laurie too. dude..i woke up this morning with dried muffins around my eyes from the stuff i was too tired to wash off...

Love is an act of blood and I’m bleeding a pool in the shape of a heart
I can't believe how many things I can say wrong when something happens. omg It's like any possible bad thing to say at a time, I say. The past 3 days...ugh I don't think I'm going to open my mouth or talk to anyone ever again.

super-happy fun times
I'm going to complain, then brag about my weekend. First off, I was THIS close to going to Warped Tour. The only reason I didn't is cuz the rents didn't like my ride. My mom didn't like that I was gonna go with a bunch of boys, and my dad didn't like that the guy driving is only 17(and supposedly not an expirienced enough driver). So then I ended up going to Tally and spending the entire weekend with Mary. that was fun. On saturday night we went to see The Dukes of hazzard. Gooood movie(because imma marry Johnny Knoxville someday). Anyways, it started at 10, and we got there at like 940, so we all chilled, the 3 of us. Then these 3 really hott guys came and sat down, one of em was in front of me. They werent abercrombie hot they suck I hate those dudes. They were like...punk-rock hott. I'd make a guess of 17 or 18. Mmmmm. Whoa, so..then I couldnt put my feet up. Mary started talking to one of them. When they stopped talking, I was like complaining about not being able to put my feet up, so she tapped the guy in front of me's hat, and he didnt turn around, and she kept doing it, then the guy she was talking to like hit him in the face and was like 'they want you' and i was like 'ooh yess we want you'. then the 2 guys and mary kinda started an argument about who's going to move, while i made goo-goo eyes w/the 3rd guy(hahaha). They fininally decided on 'paper scissors rock: if we win we dont move, if you win you dont put your feet up' is what he said. Mary pulled scissors too early and he said they won. but hey, at least we got to play 'paper scissors rock' with 3 hott guys. thats my really long story.
On Sunday we went to see Batman Begins at the IMAX. It was incredible. It was even better than it was at the theatre with reclining chairs, and that place was incredible. lol. After that we went to both Ryan's houses. Broke into the first one and played cards, then legally entered the other one and played foozball(or however you spell it) for a while. The first time playing it. And I lost. Then we made fancy coke mixed drinks/martinis w/lemon, heavy on the salt. It was gross.
oh, also, I stole a street sign. perfect for my collection of stolen property. this post is getting long. bye.

all apologies
i apologize for not updating in such a while. ok...its only been like...a week. anyways, ive had to deal with rejection. yeah, that crap again. holy shyt...no, twice last week. whoa... im better though. alex and someone else are my damn angels.

I LOVE YOU!

wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
im getting i bone transplant next week. or w/e it is. i dont even know. its for growth i think. they have to do some marrow tests on my wrists and knee. i wonder if its gonna hurt....

learn to buck up
guess what. i went to sea world on friday. i had never been there before. pops had a meeting in orlando, so he dropped me, laurie, and brett off there. it was like 100 degrees out. we watched like 10 minutes of a really gay show. then we went on a ride. they only had 2 rides. then they shut down the rides for a while cuz there was a 'storm' coming. so i was like 'hey! wanna eat?' so we got 2 slices of pizza for 17 bucs. wth?! i was like 'bro...we got 2 large pizzas at gumbys for like 9 bucs'. it was so expensive and it wasnt even good. then we walked around some more. i have huge blisters on my feet now. oh! oh! i saw a penguin poop underwater! it was like a jet, man. sorry, but it was swimming at the same time haha. it was probably the 2nd funniest/most disgusting thing i saw that day. 1st was a walrus's weenis(hahaha i laughed soooo hard at that), and 3rd was this manatee. it was like floating, then it kinda went under like it was doing a handstand, and its hole was right there and it farted like 4 times lmao lmao.
ok, then on saturday night i went to a party. it was pretty rad. got back at like 12 sumthin. right on.
i just woke up and im hungry, so imma go eat.

its all in your goodbyes

current clothing:	khaki shorts, moosehead lager shirt
current mood:	hate
current taste:	hungry
current hair:	messy
current annoyance:	alex and max
current smell:	my self
current thing you ought to be doing:	sleeping or watching a movie. i think im gonna watch something.
current jewelry:	none right now
current book:	hitchhiker's guide: life, the universe, and everything
current refreshment:	none
current worry:	everything. school mostly.
current crush:	no one
current favorite celebrity:	no one
current longing:	to hang out with someone
current music:	a boy brushed red...living in black and white(underoath)
current wish:	to have my friends back
current lyric in your head:	'tonight's your last chance to do exactly what you wanted to'
current makeup (if you're a girl!):	black and blue eye liner and mascara
current undergarments:	american eagle undies, joe boxer bra
current regret:	that i said some of the things i did(and its been my regret the past month or two)
current desktop picture:	ocean's eleven
current plans for tonight/weekend:	nothing. hoping to go to mary's though.
current cuss word du jour:	of the day? havent said any yet. its only midnite
current disappointment:	alot.
current amusement:	none.
current IM/person you're talking to:	no one
current love:	no.
current obsession:	no.
current avoidance:	austin
current thing or things on your wall:	geez. alot. hed pe shirt, lars frederickson, es, map, flag, john lennon...
current favorite book:	hitchhiker's guide
current favorite movie:	fight club, ocean's eleven, how to deal, stealing harvard

currents!@*&!*@&^& brought to you by BZOINK!

maxi pad. ahahaha.
On Saturday night we saw Fantastic Four with Mary. It started raining really really hard and like blowing stuff around on Sunday, so we headed back to Ocala. When we got to G-Ville, we stopped at Nero's to eat and then we saw Dark Water. It wasn't scary. It was pretty dumb, actually. So anyways, after that we just came home. The air conditioning died again after Max left. So...yeah. that was 4 days ago. Whoa. It's only been that long? It seems like it was forever ago.

I just found out the rents are going to Puerto Rico from Thursday to Saturday, so I'm planning to head back to Tally on Sunday. Alrighty.

Max came over yesterday. He slept over. We went to the mall and Goodwill, got back at like 10 maybe. At 11 we went to The Mesto. Awsome, awsome fun. I love that place. We got back at midnight and went swimming till 1:30 then we made like Kim Chi or w/e. It was good. We went to bed at around 3. So today, omg omg NO RENTS hahaha so rad. We basically did (nothing). Ahhh so much fun.

nothing
I'll give you a story. The other parts are secrets. Alright, starting on Wednesday till now. On Wednesday we(Me, Gabe, Max, Mary) got 2 large pizzas at Gumby's. Then later we went to Krispy Kreme and got some hot ones. Then to Guitar Center. Max played Van Halen's "Eruption", and a Metallica song on a Worlock and "Stairway to Heaven" on an all-black electric acoustic Martin. Then we went and saw War of the Worlds. That was a really good movie. On Thursday we ate the Sweet Shop. That place is awsome. If you ever see a place that looks like crap, go in it, because it's probably gonna be the best place you've ever been to. I can't remember what day it was, but anyways, I got this Beck Loser single and REM reveal for like 3 bucs each.
On Friday we ate at this tofu place called Charcoal Grill. None of us had ever eaten there before, because it's another one of those "crappy-on-the-outside rad-on-the-inside" places. It was really hot out after that and we kinda got lost. When we finally found what we were looking for, I jumped fully-clothed in the fountain again. People walked by and shook their heads. Max wouldn't swim with me, so I just hugged him and he got all wet. We went for "Darkroom Adventures"(as called by Ryan). I was still dripping wet and I leaned on the drywall and it came off all over my shirt. haha oh well. We chilled in The Darkroom for like 55 minutes and Sergio comes in "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!?!" and basically grabs us and drags us to some concert. This one was like Apocalyptica or w/e. They played Metallica "Fade to Black" and it was craSEE cool. I left my purse in the bathroom and they wouldn't let me out, so I couldn't tape it.
My house has no aircon until Tuesday and it sucks. It's hotter in here than it is outside.

reveal
I have stories to tell. Oooh boy!

Saw War of the Worlds last night. It was really good.

duh-nuh-nuh
This past week has been pretty awsome. Not like last year, but then again it wouldn't be, would it? Jessie's pappi wouldn't pay(wanker), so...w/e. Screw that. Hung out with Matt, Galen, and Kendell. Random facts about them: Matt-16, has the sexiest beard I've ever seen; Galen-17, bassist, also has a beard, looks like John Lennon; Kendell-16, really tall, black, eats alot of chicken. And I call him Marvin.
Walked around yesterday and ate at Quizno's. Those people sucked at making the subs. And they wouldn't stamp my card. Then Starbuck's. They wouldn't take my gift card. It was really hot out by then, so I decided to swim fully clothed in a fountain. People stared. And it was awsome. Then I decided to skip masterclass and just go somewhere. That was pretty fun. This car right in the parking lot blew up. I saw it. It was AWSOME. Actually, it started out as a little fire, then some people went out and tried to extinguish it, and it exploded. Then the fire department came.
Made new friend yesterday. Elliot-drummer. That's all I know so far. Probably hang out with him on Monday. We also went go-karting yesterday. And bumper-boats. I got soaking wet. Good times.

P O N A

life is an annoying, nagging little emo bitch
today was really surreal. and its still continuing. ive found the meaning of life. twice in a row. no, not jackpot. because ive figured out everything ive been doing wrong, why my feelings have gone numb and i cant do anything but mope around feeling sorry for myself.
i couldnt smile. i tried. i tried so hard. i was so angry at myself. my heart and mind were fighting. who won? whats the difference.

[edit]

i think that, other than just being called a heartless waste of time, i had a good day.

some things do change, however
im changing my journal. nothing's final because so far im completely dis-satisfied. i dont want to change too much. i like the table background, text, link, and subject colors. also my icon. i just dont like the journal background cuz you cant see the words, and i dont know how to get the *hugs* and flooble chatterbox centered. you can see im not a very big woohu whore. if you have any suggestions, say them. cuz i dont have any ideas so far.
also, i read the worst, most inacurate horroscope ever. i hated it alot.

it will all be better....someday
i feel like ive been totally cast out by everyone i know. its like i cant connect. i cant even begin to...w/e. forget it. this is about so many things. ive been thinking about things normally my mind would never even begin to touch. and it really hurts me. no, im not stressing about tuesday. im not scared. im not nervous. i just cant...
should i stop running away? will giving up make everything better?

whenever im at home...
yesterday worked. everything worked out. but there's something i cant seem to get my mind off. and no, i dont care to talk about it.
about yesterday: 4.00 people showed up. rad. chilled, ate, chilled, jumped, swam, jumped, it rained. we went inside. chilled, ate, chilled. 9.00 people started to leave. dyed aaron's hair. jumped again. 10.45 last(non-overnight) person leaves. 11.07 took a walk. 11.37 got back watched malcom. then italian job. skip w.e. 3.sumthin went to sleep. we all fell asleep w/a bottle of jack daniel's in our hands haha.
everyones still asleep. i dont feel good though. i mean, i feel fine. its just about something.

maybe im being selfish
basically everyone i want to come is coming to my party. but i still feel like everythings gonna go wrong. pockets empty, how can you tell me everything will work out? there's one person i really really want to be there. maybe things are getting better. maybe things arent so bad. if i had to explain it, i wouldnt know where to start.
sometimes i miss you. ive been here all the time. and ill always be here. i cant wait till this is all over.

arent you tired of being weak?
i havent listened to atreyu since early january, maybe late december. it brings back good memories. i dont know why i havent listened to my favorite band in such a long time. i think certain things have been scaring me. not about atreyu, but certain other things i choose not to discuss. not thats there's anything so secret about it.
anyways, if i un-invited you to my party last time, you're re-invited. soo...go ahead and show up if you want.
im going to the gainesville mall today to get a dress for my solo recital in a week and a half. we did a full rehearsal yesterday, and it turns out i hardly know half the words for vittoria, so i cut out the second verse and third chorus.
on wednesday i caught 20 frogs and called every pet store in ocala. none of them even thought about buying from me. well...except for pet safari. i was like 'do you buy frogs' and they asked what kind. i said "2 cane toads, 12 african dwarf, 4 muller, and..." something else i cant remember right now. then they said 'probably not cuz we could probably get em cheaper from out suppliers'. i didnt ask how much their suppliers sell them for and make an offer. i didnt feel like it. oh well.

sakaparap
know what sucks? well a couple of things. my pool is empty and will be until the day before my party cuz it has to be dry for 5 days, then we're painting it, then dry for 5 days after that. also, i tried to build a house out of bamboo today. but it didnt work. also, only 4 people have given me straight, set answers about my party. half of those who havent are like "wellll...i dunno...it depends...on who else is going" which i cant really tell them who's coming cuz NO ONE HAS RSVP-ED YET! so get an answer and freaking tell me if or if not youre going, dont you dare leave me hanging. and i think my little minnow friend Little Gookie got eaten by a koi.
i caught Little Gookie today guess how. i put the pool net in the pond across the street and the i walked off. the i ran out of the woods yelling "GOO! GOO!" ahahaha. great fun. the pond is in my neighbor's back yard(somehow. i guess cuz their house is backwards right haha). that mustve been amazingly funny watching me. man, today was such a good day.