kellielynn
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2008 29 March :: 1.22am
:: Mood: okay
Smoking away
After Mom's party I stopped at Jenni's; she wanted to cheer me up and I wanted to talk a little. We smoked and I went with her to pick up Scott and we smoked again and watched tv. I love hanging out with Jenni. It's always so mellow. I think that's why she's my best friend. It's always drama free. :)
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2008 18 March :: 4.31pm
I walked miles through the city and recognized
nothing as a giant claw ate at my
stomach while the inside of my head felt
airy as if I was about to go
mad.
it's not so much that nothing means
anything but more that it keeps meaning
nothing,
there's no release, just gurus and self-
appointed gods and hucksters.
the more people say, the less there is to say.
even the best books are dry sawdust.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2008 16 March :: 9.09pm
this summer will be amazing.
i am done with caring what people think.
i will get drunk and high and i will go to the beach.
i will play at the park and at elementary schools, and i will love.
i will love the world and the sun and the sky, and my boyfriend.
i will chase down the ice cream man and eat choco tacos.
i will listen to records and watch my lava lamp.
i will go barefoot.
i will go camping.
life is so beautiful.
2 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2008 4 March :: 11.07pm
i've been thinking far too much lately.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2008 27 February :: 8.56pm
RIP grandma.
September 11, 1919 - February 25, 2008.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2008 14 February :: 10.01pm
john rinka is the sweetest boy ever.
he took me downtown to a restaurant on the riverfront...
it was right at sunset, and the outside seating was heated.
this is the first valentine's day i've spent with a boy,
and i had such a wonderful time.
i love him.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2008 18 January :: 9.08am
in you i see something pure and beautiful.
in you i see hot tea, coffee, and cigarettes.
in you i see. simplicity.
in you i see white russians and leg warmers,
and dance parties of 4.
i see scrabble and scattegories and mouse trap.
i see good times and good music in your old buick.
i see a nervous wreck,
and i see an angry black woman screaming inside of you.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2008 12 January :: 9.59am
writer's strike,
please... don't see this as a bad thing.
use this as an opportunity to pick up a book and read.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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wonderelf
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2007 25 December :: 8.02pm
:: Music: avenged sevenfold-afterlife
merry christmas! :]
merry christmas to everyone! :]
wow. it's been such a long time since i've posted here. i really do want to start keeping a journal again even IF nobody ever reads it. i bleed emo all over aim conversations with friends of friends and think that maybe i should just write it all down in a journal. that way, i don't feel like i'm forcing it on anyone to read...because...you can leave the page if you want. ;]
so, anyways...christmas was nice, i was dreading going back to my dad's at first but it wound up being amazing. he actually seemed grateful to see me back at his house instead of with my mom for the week. i think that when i go away for a few days, he actually might miss me. wishful thinking?
anyways...when i woke up for christmas here with my mom and john, i opened my presents here...<3 i got some clothes from american eagle, an ae gift card, a purse, a pac sun gift card, harry potter and the order of the phoenix, a few little giraffe things, a candle, an air freshner for my car (lol), little miss sunshine, choke and invisible monsters by chuck palahniuk, a7x's new cd (i held out - something i'll never do again no matter HOW close to the holidays it is!!), hurt's old cd, personalized earphones for my ipod (they're amazingly cute, with a heart engraved with my name and swarovski crystals), a swarovski bracelet, and a few other things here and there that i'm really, really, REALLY thankful for. i loved it all!!
THEN, i went to my dad's and grabbed my stocking, completely unexpecting what was in there - my dad is paying a new membership for me to the ymca (tiff - my stepmom - too, so i have added motivation), tiff bought me a gift certificate for the most effective car wash/detail/body shop in town (god knows i need them to detail my car), i had $100 in gas cards, an itunes card, another air freshener for my car (maybe they're trying to tell me something), a lip gloss, some cards, but the thing that made me bawl my eyes out - literally, tears of joy - i opened up a letter and there was a gift certificate paid in full via credit card from my dad to get my windows re-tinted. <3
there were also some cute little things to take along in my purse in my stocking (like a nail kit - i'm ALWAYS asking if someone has a nail clipper) and a set of toe rings (which i loveeee). but then we went upstairs and i saw a freaking hoarde of presents under the tree, which as any kid would make you happy, but i was definately convinced that my dad and tiff could've just gave me my stocking this year and i'd have been the happiest soul alive...well, i unwrapped some fuzzy boots (with pom poms!), some clothes, some typical girl stuff (lotions, etc. - which i also got at my mom's), a kickass weather book (<3 nerd lol), a really neat looking lamp (with feet as the base), a $200 alpaca sweater which is probably the most amazing and expensive garment of clothing i've ever had and will ever have, a vera bradley checkbook cover, and of course, the other thing that made me cry - a year long subscription to xm radio. i had a receiver and gift card ready for activating my xm <333 all wrapped together, and my dad and i are supposed to go out thursday before i have to go to work so that they can install it.
this truthfully WAS the BEST christmas EVER. for once, my dad didn't make my cry by saying something horrible to me - maybe now that i typically live with him every day of the month really IS helping our relationship more than i know. i still miss living with my mommy, though. :] she's my hero and means the world to me. i hate being away from her and missing every beat.
guess i better get used to it though - it just dawned on me today that i leave for college in 8 months.
well, merry christmas everyone!! hope everyone has a great one :]
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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::
2007 19 December :: 9.34pm
i couldn't ask for more right now.
i am so content and i can't stop smiling.
this is so wonderful.
he is so wonderful.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2007 9 December :: 1.22am
someone please,
help me cure my writer's block.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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::
2007 29 November :: 11.22pm
dear woohu,
please describe me.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2007 17 November :: 11.08pm
i can never find balance with anything in life.
i'm really inconsistent with almost everything i do...
i'm really inconsistent with almost everything i am.
it is worrisome.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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::
2007 6 November :: 8.39pm
I don't know why I have to, but man I must move on
I love my time here, didn't know 'til I was gone
November shadows, shade November change
November spells sweet memory, the season blue remains
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2007 4 November :: 10.39am
Like Japanese poets who capture a Summer in only three lines,
With just one kiss, I want to tell you but it takes all night.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2007 26 October :: 11.47pm
across the universe.
i went with a really cute boy
who gives me butterflies
and who makes me laugh
i mean genuinely laugh.
like i used to.
i wanna hold your hand.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2007 25 October :: 11.29pm
this could potentially be
a really great thing.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2007 15 October :: 4.19pm
it's happening.
i'm moving on.
and it's beautiful.
it feels amazing.
the butterflies are back.
and i've never felt so relieved.
it honestly brings tears to my eyes.
not because i'm sad.
i feel... clean. done.
i am wiping my hands of you, and it is so satisfying.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2007 16 September :: 10.55pm
he's had a new girlfriend for a week.
sweeeet.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2007 9 September :: 6.43pm
this weekend was amazing.
i am looking forward to orlando with everyone.
my third period class may just make school worth going to.
but only maybe.
zack is in my first period class.
i. have. to. see. him. every. day.
it really is killing me.
i hate crying myself to sleep over this shit every night,
knowing that he hasn't even thought twice about it.
he's moved on. to an older, easier girl.
she isn't even good looking.
every time i lay down to fall asleep,
this shit is all i can think about.
it's burned into my fucking mind.
even when i have a great time like this weekend,
i still end up feeling so horrible and sad.
i never did anything to deserve this.
what a jackass.
2 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2007 2 September :: 9.46pm
i have a freckle on my lip.
Read more..
2 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2007 31 August :: 8.27pm
i broke up with zack.
i'm really glad i did it.
it still feels like shit.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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imugly
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2007 30 August :: 12.22pm
:: Music: dismantle me (the distillers)
In this world, one never knows what to expect. So don't. Don't expect anything from this awful place. Take what comes to you, make it beautiful. We might have a plan: follow the rules, take the clean, straight path. But forget the plan! The plan means nothing. Must we imagine what could go wrong? Does a plan often change? It's better to chase a dream. The world fears this word, this wretched, ugly word, the concept that leads to heartbreak. Humans are blind, selfish creatures and will continue to be until the end; until the day we finish off our own kind. We're leaders and followers, all trying to build our monument so when we're soil in the earth we'll be acknowledged by a slate, a marble slab labeled with a name and date, a verse that sums up our existence; our last days; moments in a time that will effortlessly be forgotten by the future in which we will create, yet inevitably assist in destroying. Our fate was decided long ago by our cave-dwelling ancestors the most intelligent of our species claim we've derived. Life on this earth has always been self-centered: survival of the fittest--kill or be killed--a trait carried on since the beginning of time, when our first primal relatives evolved out of the strongest accidental mutation of green muck. Our thoughts are not our own, but an illusion of individuality taught to us by a parent, a grandparent, a great-grandparent. A traditional brainwash questioned by no one. Everyone in the world is a hypocrite. People have continued to grow more and more greedy, gloating over themselves and their self-proclaimed royalty, a hunger satisfied only by money and power. In our blindness, we praise worthless pretension, a vagrant who worships his fool's gold. We've been spreading false hope on ourselves, our youth, our future: follow the plan, you will all die happy. You will all create a legacy, make history. But the question is not Is history real... is it Important? We read about important men, recite dates, facts, we become parrots. Pets who imitate their masters in order to carry a piece of them to form their own identity. A forgery. But a name in a book won't make us smarter. Memorizing our past won't make our future. And Greatness is not measured by success. We want the credit we deserve, so we build ourselves up, make others fear us. All because we were taught to follow. Not to create, but Recreate. Unoriginality has become our world's biggest solidarity, and its been used to kill. They've showed us to hate what is not like us. They've showed us to blame others, to fight without cause. And no one has ever questioned the morals of a soldier--they just do what they're told. They've reasoned that its right to kill the killer. "An eye for an eye." Its whats written in the books; a set plan for the next generations. It'll never change. We've accepted the biggest fallacy. But what if we all broke free the plan? What if we were able to stall the impending doom of our human race a few million years? Would the world change? We have yet to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and when we do will we be ready? Or will we still be as selfish as we were created?
What started off as a story about my shortcomings ended up about ideals the world may never live up to. How this happened I'm not quite sure myself, but after reading through it I saw the irony. I may never live up to my parents' ideals, but I'm not about to follow anyone's plan. I'm not holding myself responsible for anyone else's actions, and I'm not blaming anyone for my own mistakes. Instead of being punished the way I am, I should be congratulated for learning from the mistakes I've made. Wars have been going on since Bible times. There were wars before the earth was created, and there will always be wars. Nation against nation, family member against family member, cat against dog. There will always be a struggle for power. It's the same mistakes made over and over. Even a rat learns to avoid traps. Maybe humans aren't so superior after all.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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::
2007 14 August :: 11.27pm
i've got too much on my mind.
in time you'll find i'm worth figuring out.
this is why i drink, baby.
and i give myself away.
yeah, i give me all away.
it is what it is.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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