There’s a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment that you leave
Though I try to look away
The pain it still remains
Only leaving when you’re next to me

Do you know, that everytime you’re near
Everybody else seems far away
So can you come and make them disappear
Make them disappear and we can stay

So I stand and look around
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace, of the person
The person that I need

Do you know, that everytime you’re near
Everybody else seems far away
So can you come and make them disappear
Make them disappear and we can stay

Can you make them disappear?
Make them disappear

There’s a pain that sleeps inside
Sleeps with just one eye
And awakens, the moment that you leave
And I search through every face
Without a single trace, of the person
The person that I need

Do you know, that everytime you’re near
Everybody else seems far away
So can you come and make them disappear
Make them disappear and we can stay

i cried last night again... but for a different reason

haha wsup im in spanish rite now and im so totally bored. we're looking at peoples my space and chillin out. ahh i have tech todai.
skank haters for life!

reading your note over again
all of the things
i try to compehend
but theres not a word
that i understand..

~Easter~

~My Dad's Birthday~

well todai sucked. i woke up way too early... at 8... and then we left late... and well i wuz absolutely bored. we went to eat at carmichaels in ocala... it was me, my bro, my dad, my mom, my dads aunt and uncle, my aunt mary, my uncle ron and my g-ma. i was so bored... but i had a coke.. aahhhh. for the first time in 40 days.. it was so good lol. i didnt even order diet. just good ole sugary coke. in fact practically all i ate today was good ole carbs and sugar. delicious. ryan called rite b4 my salad came.. it wuz gross btw.. but me and him didnt rly talk much i dont knoe it was weird. so evryone else was still eating and conversating and i hate it when people talk about me like im not there when i am.. its annoying. they were making comments about being a teenager blahblahblah and cooing over me... saying i should be a model. yeah rite. and my dads aunt... my great aunt debbie, she used to be this fabulous hardcore principal ballerina and every friggin time i see her she asks me about dance. of course i lie and say its great i dont rly have the courage to say i absolutely hate it and i wish i didnt have to it anymore. but yeah i couldnt sit in that chair n e longer my back wuz hurting rly bad and so i got the keys and went to lay down in the car with the stereo real loud listening to sum41 and i started crying.. i dont even knoe if ultimately there wuz a reason. but great aunt and uncle went home back to their ranch in bell. theyre real big horse people and my great aunt does dressage and all that. i felt kinda bad cuz i barely talked to them cept for greetings and goodbyes. i barely get to see them and theyre so nice. o well. n e hoo my aunt mary and uncle ron and my family went back to my g-mas house for cake cuz it wuz my dads b-day n all. but i had cake and then went into the other room i didnt feel like making conversation i wanted to be alone. so i wuz watching ashlee simpson and doing make up work for geometry and i started crying again for no reason. i ono. my aunt and uncle left soon after, and then we didnt leave till ba lil b4 6. ryan called me again but i dont knoe he seemed rly irritated with me... so i just said i would talk to him later. it didnt seem like he wanted to talk to me he sounded annoyed. but i asked him if he was ok and he said yeah so i ono. so i hung up with him and then i just started thinking... a million thoughts were going throo my head like 100 mph.. and it was cool until they put on sum freaky tribal african music and it was so annoying. so i asked if they could change it.. but i they didnt they just turned it up and turned the dashboard and steering whelel into drums and i kept asking them to stop but they kept going louder so i freaked out and started crying.. yet again. not like little tears comin down ur face im talking bout crying ur eyes out water works kind of crying and i dont even knoe y i freaked out like that. but it got em to stop lol. i wuz miserable for the rest of the ride home. like an hour left.

i called ryan back a bit after i got home he was out with his mom at starbucks... his mom wants me to start going back to church again like i used to every sunday and jonet would pick me up and then sumtimes i would hang out with ryan afterwards.. but n e hoo she said it would be nice to see me again its been like a month and a half since shes seen me. but i dont think my mom will let me go n e more and i dont knoe. it would be cool tho.. it was fun and me and jonet were rlyrly close when i went every sunday. we still r rly close tho.
but n e hoo me and ryan didnt talk for long. it was ok.

im gonna go tho im so tired.


**QuOtE oF tHe DaY**

"Think before you make up your mind
You don't seem to realize
I can do this on my own
And if I fall I'll take it all
It's so easy after all

Believe me 'cause now's the time to try
Don't wait, the chance will pass you by
Time's up to figure it out
You can't say it's too late"
--Sum41

I'm slipping away
In every way
I can't stay awake
(and I don't know why)
I'm slipping away
(and I don't know why)

I'm trying to make it through each day
I'm falling apart now in every way
I'm finding it harder to get by
There's a hole in my heart
And I don't know why
Now I've come to realize

I'm slipping away

..grrr...

n e hoo todai wuz pretty boring i basically sat around all day till ryann came and saved me... she picked me up at like 6:30 and then we called aj and picked him up and then i called brandon and asked him if he wanted to hang out too. we met him up at gate cuz when we arrived at his house he wuz not there.. and then he scared the shit outta me at gate cuz i wuz calling his cell to see where he wuz at and he popped up at my window and waved and i freaked out lol. it was pretty sweet.. we were gonna go to ale house to eat but we went to steak n shake instead and ate. it was cool... but ryan called me rite b4 we left.. and i tried talking to him but he got off the phone real quick after i told him i wuz out... and he wuz in the car but he wouldnt tell me where he wuz going... grr... then we went to the new walmart cuz ryann wanted to get some hemp.. which she ended up not getting.. and we were there for a lil bit and then me and ry decided we wanted to leave cuz we were bored... but aj nor brandon were n e where to be seen... so we went to customer sevice and i asked the lady to call for arthur and brandy.. i wuz trying so hard not laugh... but ryann wuz laughing so hard she had to walk away lol... brandon took forever and then when i saw him i yelled "brandy i found you!" and everybody wuz looking at me.. haha it wuz funnie. n e hoo so then we went over to my place and chilled for a bit. then at 10 ryann had to take brandon home, but he left his cell phone here at my house and then my mom took aj home a lil before 11.

but im rly tired.. and i have to go to ocala 2moro for easter.. and its my dads birthday lol woohoo.

tootaloo.


**QuOtE oF tHe DaY**

"And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve"
-- 3 Doors Down

i
wanna
cry
sometimes

it seems like everytime i look at a clock... its exactly 14 minutes past...grrr..

n e ways todai wuz pretty boring. i just sat around and watched tv and vacuumed. it rained pretty much the whole day and all of a sudden at 4 it got sunny... ryan was supposed to go to the beach with this gurl jennifer... but it rained... so i ono wut he did all day.. and he didnt work todai. a first.. and he didnt call me at all... weird.

well ne way aj came over round 8ish and we ate pizza and hung out. we watched spongebob movie and then ryann came over and we watched center stage lol. craziness. we tried to give aj a facial but he wouldnt let us and i dont knoe y. my dog ran away but my boo ryann rescued her and brought her back safely home.. n e hoo it wuz pretty tizzight. i burned him the matchbook romance cd... he better listen to it lol and then we took him home round 12 and thats pretty much it. it was fun tho.

im tired tho i think im gonna get rdy for bed

.~niteenite~.


**QuOtE oF tHe Day**

"close my eyes
and let the whole thing
pass me by"

its kinda like hearing that one song you've been wanting to hear all day
its like getting all the air knocked out of you when you fall flat on your face
its kinda like when it rains when you're at the beach
or when you look into someone eyes and it hurts
cause you know you cant have them
its kinda like breaking down and laughing when every goes wrong
its like getting ice cream all over your face
its like waking up from a dream you wanted so bad to be real
its knowing something so wonderfully powerful could destroy everything you worked for
its like getting jealous
its kinda like saying goodbye to your bestfriend
its kind of beautiful
its kind of lost
its like finding a twenty dollar bill
and then loosing it
its like being stood up
its kinda like seeing an old friend
its like a compliment when you least expect it
and a put down when you expect it the most
its like breaking curfew
its like mood swings
and funnie things
its like kissing in the rain
its kinda like mr cuddles who always knew how to listen when you cry
but never said a thing
its kinda like loosing your favorite shirt
its like late nite phone calls
its kinda like movie marathons
its like crying for no reason
its like eating the whole carton of ice cream
its kinda like
him.

ahh i hate this! ok so yesterday morning i woke up and i thought there were 2 cold sores on my lips.. but turns out i have sun poisoning... all the way from the beach on sunday... dont ask me how that works... but n e way so now i have thew 2 HUGE sun blisters on my lips and it is ridiculous. they hurt like a mo.. and they burn and theyre rly hot and now my upper lip swelled up like a friggin hot air balloon so now my lip is like 4 times bigger the normal! it hurts and i dont knoe how long it takes to heal my mom said a week. and i dont have a week.. i popped on em last nite with a needle and all this clear/white liquid came out like water. theyre gross. theyre like whitish yellow now on my lips! and my lips r like the one thing i actually dont hate about my self. this is so sick. im gonna go sulk now.

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me goo...
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I knowww..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

i cant believe i was at school todai... wut a loser! n e hoo i had rehearsal for ms saltmarsh's peice for childrens concert. i cant believe its the week we come back to school. i rly dont wanna do it... its march 31st and April Fools Day at 7:30 just in case u wanna give sum support! lol. but do that peice over and over again made me realize how i rly dont wanna come back to DA next year cuz i rly hate it and i hate dance and o well i guess im just gonna have to deal with it cuz i rly dont have n e where else to go and my mom doesnt want me at parker.

last nite i slept over kaylas house.. i was saved! lol i didnt rly do much cept watch tv and eat and then i fell asleep cuz i wuz rly tired but me and her rly wanted to see SAW ondemand but it wasnt there i ono y. and then i had to drag myself and get rdy to go to school at 10 and her dad drove me i got there at like 9:45. and no one else was there so i went to the dressing room and tried to sleep. but i felt like crap and i didnt have n e make up on it was grody.

me and my mom got into another fight on the car ride home and i ended up crying like i always do. lol.. but i hate it when she tries to talk to me like im her friend and i rly dont wanna hear her shit and she always ends up psychoanalyzing me and pisses me off. but she told me that my aunt mary is gonna prolly end up dying n e time in the next year.. so im sad about that. we cant tell my grandmother yet.. soo yeah im going to ocala sunday for easter so thats gonna be pretty awkward.

i rly wanna sleep over ryanns tonite i hate being in this house.. and then me and her can go over to lindseys house.

...tired...

tootaloo


**QuOtE oF tHe DaY**

"some times the people you think you love are the ones holding you back from the people who love you."
--beautiful words by devon zook

grr.. he makes me soo grrr! how is he gonna call me.. he called me on my cell phone. and i wuz like "hey can u call me back on my house?" and he said "ok" and he hung up and then i waited 5 minutes and he didnt call back so i called him... and he wuz like "y did u call me back?" and i said "cuz i can am i not allowed to?" and hes like " no i never said that"... so then i asked where he wuz at and he was at the mall cuz he wuz bout to go to the movies. and i wuz like wut movies... and i asked hoo he was with.. and he wuz with jennifer, tim, and brandy... hmm.. 2 boys and 2 girls.. and he used to like jennifer a lot when we broke up the first time cuz of my mom.. so i wuz like "o thats nice" and then!! then hes like "yeah can i call u back later?" and then i wuz like "ok" and he hung up. how is gonna call ME and then be like hey can i call u back later? its nice he called and all but he should have never called in the first place if it was gonna be like that. unless hes trying to make me jealous... cuz if he is its working... and i should be the one hoo has ahold of him.. not the other way around! and ahh its killing me and i dont y im still like this... i talked to his mom yesterday when i was talking to him on his cell and he wuz in the car and his mom asked if he wuz talking to me and she wuz like "oo gimme the phone i wanna talk to alyssa" and we were talking and stuff she wuz asking me how i was doing and i told i was ok. and she asked me y it was just ok and not good or wutever and i wuz like my allergies r bothering me.. and she said "other than that is everything good? nothing else is bothering u?" and i wuz like well the whole bout me and ryan is getting to me.. and she told me that ryan has been really busy with his work schedule and everythin... all of this of course i knoe.. and then she wuz like "well i told ryan maybe when he has a day off or some free time you two should get together and go see a movie or something.." and i wuz like yeah rite like he would ever do that... i dont think he would and i dont knoe a reason y.. i just have a feeling.. i didnt say n e of that but they she wuz like "i miss u i hope to see you soon... hopefully. god bless u" and that was it. honestly.. i dont think ryan will ever find another girl who will lovehim like i did for a rly rly long time... and im not trying to sound like cocky or n e thing cuz im not.. but i think ive put up with so much that most other girls wouldnt. or maybe im wrong.. but i dont knoe if he rly realized wut he had. i need to stop thinking bout it so much. i just need to let everything take its course and not try to go either way. wut ever will happen will happen. and if was meant to be it will be and if not.. then not.

i went to the beach yeasterday. i hung out with ryann and catherine. it was pretty fun. my face got burnt. but i went home last nite instead of sleeping over cuz i wuznt feeling very good my allergies are crazy. so my mom picked me up and we went and got some tylenol allergy stuff. i took 2 and it made me feel a bit better... but im gonna go take a shower i be stank and then i mirte hang out with kayla i ono. we dont have much to do over my house n e way.

and yuck 2moro i have to go to school! from 10 to 1. dance sux.


**QuOtE oF tHe DaY**

"You sat me down beside myself
To show me all the reasons I was wrong for you
Was this for real? It's hard to tell
'Cause it was such a beautiful mess we had got into"
-- YellowCard

SPRING BREAK!!! yess... i have been waiting for this for so long.. and well im so ready to go to the beach that i copied and pasted the weather for the whole spring break. courtesy of weather.com the reliable weather channel... but n e hoo wut a freak!

Sat Mar 19
Mostly Sunny
67°/49° 0%

Sun Mar 20
Partly Cloudy
73°/52° 10%

Mon Mar 21
Scattered T-Storms
72°/59° 40%

Tue Mar 22
Scattered T-Storms
75°/58° 60%

Wed Mar 23
Partly Cloudy
73°/53° 20%

Thu Mar 24
Sunny
72°/51° 20%

Fri Mar 25
Mostly Sunny
78°/53° 0%

Sat Mar 26
Partly Cloudy
75°/57° 20%

Sun Mar 27
Mostly Cloudy
76°/59° 20%

well todai was ok i suppose... in 1st period i wuz sewing my skirt for my childrens concert dance.. and then in 2nd period we had to be with level 2 and ms O (o is for oppressed) was getting on my last nerve.. ah i cant stand her i wuznt even doing ne thing and she starts getting an attitude with me yellin at me to go sit by her and then when i started laughing with ryann she starts yelling at me again.. ahh i cant stand her.. she needs to get sum defrizzitization. hehe.
i actually had fun in 3rd period todai.. which is like a first cuz on b3 on thursdays we have ms barret and i rly dont like her class sumtimes and ive skipped it a couple tmes.. but todai it was fun we did all this ab stuff and 300 crunches i thought i was gonna die. but we did a rly fun combo it was fun it wuz like all late 60s early 70sish. lindsey is so funnie.
n e hoo in 4th period it wasnt to bad. we starting a poetry thing for this quarter for 4 weeks. and we wrote a poem and we had to incorparate (is that a word?) this one line we got in a egg. of course ms dvorak wouldnt let me pick out my egg like everyone else she just gave me the one that said brat... er.. and then we had to do this thing in groups about sum famous poemsand we had to preform it. kayla and jared were in my group and i couldnt stop laughing we had fun.
so heres the poem i wrote.. im not sure if i like it or not i ono

*****
They lived through it all
Through the love and through the fall
About suffering they were never wrong
I learned this through the saddest songs
I dreamt to breathe again tomorrow
Close my eyes
And sing the sorrow
About lonliness they were never wrong
The pain, the hurt
And the wanting for so long
I dreamt to love again tomorrow
He stole my heart instead of borrow
And through my tears
I heard them say
If this never ends..
Then where do we begin?
*****

we got report cards.. ahh it made me mad! i have all As and 2 Bs.. 2 Bs.. in dance! it pisses me off.. u knoe if i went to a regular skool like terry parker i would have a 4.0 instead of sum 3.84 crap. i rly dont want to go back to DA next year... but i dont want to go to terry parker and my mom said i could get a scholarship to Bolles.. but i dont want to go there lol...
we took cliff home todai so now i knoe which house is his muwahaha. jaja just JKin ya

im gonna go i need to get started on all my hw i have. yucky


**QuOtE oF tHe DaY**

"And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two
do you?"
-- Maroon 5

i tried to watch mean girls but i wasnt rly in the mood... but the guy in the movie reminds me of you knoe hoo.
ah its raining... its like pouring.. i love the rain. it smells good to me lol. and i think rain is so romantic... ahh k i s s i n g in the r a i n. i havent done that in awhile.
well i think ima go lay in bed and listen to the rain

i stayed home from school todai... my allergies r killing me. i fell asleep last nite cuz i wuz feeling rly sick.. and i tried doin on my hw but it didnt quite work out cuz i was feeling so sick. so i wuz like o well and i called aj and we talked for a bit and i decided to stay home... so friday i gotta make up my chemistry test and my NBQ in geometry.

i havent rly done much todai. i woke up a lil b4 11 and i had somethin to eat and then i watched garfield the movie. it was pretty funnie. i called kayla back cuz i missed her call when i was watching garfield. she stayed home todai cuz of her poor leg. poor baby got stitches. luckily i had sum1 to talk to todai or i woulda gone insane with just my mom here lol. i dont knoe y she didnt go into the office todai..but ne ways then i got on my comp and tried installing the wireless card so i can be all cool with high speed internet access and all... and i installed it.. with a lil trouble.. but it says its connected and the signal is good and everything.. but i tried signing on and it said there was no internet connection.. but every now and then the bubble pops up saying the card lost connection and then it comes back in 1 sec. but i ono.. my dad imed and said he would try to figure it out when he got home from work.. but hes going out to a dinner meeting with some guy so i ono when he'll be home. i prolly should be doin my hw rite now but i ono i dont feel like it lol... i think im gonna go watch mean girls for like the 20th time and then maybe ill start my geometry that wuz due todai lol.

but i havent been able to stop listen to going crazy by natalie.. its stuck.


**QuOtE oF tHe Day**

"Theres a million reasons why I cry
Hold my covers tight & close my eyes
Cuz I dont wanna be alone"
-- AS

todai was like a seriously bad day.
nothing went right and i felt like shit the whole day.
and in third period we were in the library lookin for scenes. i talked to john bout his gf julie it was pretty sweet i never talk to him n e more he always runs away from me lol. n e hoo i was on the comp and ryann was playin round with me or sumthin and then grabs my head and like snaps my head to turn to the side to see this kid that all these freshman girls like and my neck like popped, snapped and cracked and stuff.. in like every vertabre and it hurt so bad.. and i dont knoe wut came over me i hit her and i started crying! i wuz like wut the hell it wasnt that bad cuz i crying pretty hard. hehe i pissed her off for a lil while but i guess im just pmsing rly bad i ono. but now my upper back hurts rly bad so i ono and i have a migraine and like 4th periond i wuz in such a bad mood i wanted to cuss everyone out.. and ms dvorak was laughing and i wuz like wut the hell.
well im going to go sleep... tootaloo.

-:things to do:-
.study for chemistry test 2moro.
.copy all geometry vocab and theorems.
.assignment 1.
.figure what im gonna do about well u knoe.


**QuOtE oF tHe DaY**

"one kiss will show
all i really need to know
one kiss will let me see
if you and me
will ever be."
-- FL