WELL!!!!
saturday wuz bad.. kinda... welll good and bad... rite b4 i left for the movies with rachel and everybody me and my mom got into this HUGE fight and she wouldnt believe a damn thing i said and she WENT THROOO MY DRAWERS and found my thongs... yeah she got mad... well yeah we were fighting and she said i couldnt go and then i snapped and i started crying and i couldnt stop for nothing and i wuz crying SO HARD... i hadnt cried that hard in like a rly rly long time... it felt good and bad but for the rest of the nite i had to try not to cry.. the movies wuz funn... nikki kepy laughin at me and jared b. said i wuz sooo weird... lol the couple in front of us.. EW GROSSNESS RACHEL! they looked like the guy wuz bitin off the lady's tongue... and he kept staring at her nose it wuz so weird... they were like 30 or sumthin i ono... we went to the mall after seen the perfect score which wuz kinda stupid and then rachel left with her mom and matt and o yeah that guy ryan... hoo likes emily now... lol.. well emily bought a slice of pizza and i wuz observing peoples and these 2 guys caught my eye cuz they we had skateboards on the back packs and this one dude came to a table across from us.. and he put his backpack and skate board and his food down and then HE WALKS AWAY like a dumbass and i wuz about to go sit down in his chair but then he started walkin back and so i didnt and then this other guy came over and he wuz a complete opposite dressed in all nike attire... lol... and then his other skateboarder friend came over and they r all eating and we're staring at them... and emily took a picture of them LMAO tha flash wuz so bright and they saw and were wtf... "what wuz that all about" wuz wut one of em said and they were all laughing and i told em that emily thought they were H-O-T-T hotthotthott! they kept talkin bout us...

sunday i went to target and publix with emily and we had the best time... we got new outfits! ahahaha and i had the best publix adventure EVER! we had so much fun and i dont think they r gonna hire emily that her publix no more... shez badbadbadbad! we took a bunch of pictures they r hilarious and especially them flower ones... i laughed so hard my stomache hurt but i love u emily matchett!

today wuz ok... i got 2 notes from ryan throo jonet... YAY! lol and then we were workin on our ethnic piece... which we're going to kristins house monday since we have no skool... i wuz thinkin about being able to go to teens on friday with jonet.. and i told my mom that we had to work on our project and she said maybe... but then i rly thought about it and it would be rly complicated with rides and stuff and if she ever found out i would be in a lot of trouble and that would be a lot of lying and so yeah... i dont think ill be going *tear* i rly want to tho. but o i got ryan a valentines day present even tho emily said i shouldnt... but itz not n e thing big..... today wuz perty boring.. but in lunch... er.. carlos! he spit in my hair... cuz i crumbled up pretzels and put in in his hair... and then he knocked me and made me spill my gatorade so i had to clean it up and i squeezed the gatorade from the napkin on his hair... AND HE GOT SO MAD!!! lol ahaha hiz face... priceless.. and then he drank my gatorade and spit it all over my hair it wuz sooo nasty and so for the rest of the day it wuz all sticky and nasty... but it wuz funnie... like haha lol...
rico still wont talk to me
well i g2g
tahtah

ill write about wut happened today later... but now im crying and i hate having to cry all the time and it hurts and it sux... and slowly itz killing off every last bit of me.

Phantom Planet - Lonely Day

I could tell from the minute I woke up
It was going to be a lonely lonely
lonely lonely day.
Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes
And try to tell myself I can't
go back to bed
It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Even though the sun is shining down on me and I should feel about as happy as can be
I just got here and I already want to leave
It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day

Everybody knows that something's wrong
But nobody knows what's going on
We all sing the same old song
When you want it all to go away
It's shaping up to be a lonely day

I could tell from the minute I woke up it was going to be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.



:: i rly wanna talk to emily but shez at extravaganza.... rico ripped up my note... yeah but he kept saying i looked so pretty today... ::

i cried on the way to dance tonite... my mom calls... shes so random and she starts yeliing at me saying ive been lying to her... she asked me if ryan went to fort caroline... i said yeah... and then she said "o so he's in the 8th grade?" "yeah.." "but u told me u met at lavilla" "we did" "u've been lying to me" " um no..." "yeah u told me yall met at lavilla but he goes to fort caroline... uve been lying since the beginning.. u told us he went to wolfson..." so without letting me say a word she goes on yelling at me about how ive been lying to her... and then i start yelling at HER bcuz she goes on and assumes the absolute worse of me.. like always.. and so after awhile she finally got it straight and i told her she failed like 3 times and each time she would act more shocked... but then she tries to tell me that i never told her he failed and ive been keeping secrets from her.. so finnally when she realized he failed and he lied to me she starts YELLING at me again about ryan and how i can never see or talk to that boi again becuz hes a bad kid and she doeznt want me hanging around people like that... and i cant believe she said that and she told me this wuz it... i couldnt have n e more boyfriends... she said she didnt even want me to go out with ryan and only let me bcuz i argued with her about it so much... now this proves i cant have n e more boyfriendz cuz this has happened twice now and i started crying rlyrly rly hard but my tried tried to get me to calm down... i just hate the way she never believes a damn thing i say and she always thinks im doing sumthing bad and she wont trust me worth a damn... i havent been lying since 2 and half weeks ago when i first started findin things out and ive been doing rly good at not lying to anybody...and im am just so sick of this... at first i thought she wuznt too serious so i could pursuade her out of it but now i dont knoe and im not sure if there will ever be a chance for me and ryan again and im still crying now... and all this valentines day stuff is making it worse..
in dance ms tammy kept asking me wut wuz wrong but i didnt rly say anything and so i had to try and cheer myself up... i texted message jonet during dance.. it said i love ryan lol... at the end of class ms tammy taught everybody how to do a body roll cuz u knoe sum peoplez just aint as talented as me... hehe lol..
well im gonna go this is depressing..

(-__- *)

HAPPY 15th BIRTHDAY RACHEL!
today wuz... eh... soso...
emily brought her digital camera and we took sum pictures...

TODAY WUZ NATIONAL CUTE DAY! lol well it seemed like it... almost EVERYONE looked like rlyrly cute today and about half of the girls wore skirts... so u knoe all us fine girls at DA looked their best today..

*health* we did these weird activities with communication but it wuz fun.. and one time we had to pretend to listen to the other person (emily) and then the 2nd time we actually listened and then shared wut we heard...well emily didnt share everything i said but she told the whole rico thing... and she used names! lol ahahaha he has coach rivera on A days... well n e way everybody wuz like "whoooaa dr phil..." lol.. we also took a bunch of pictures that i wanna put on my site..

*dance* we didnt dress out! omg i wuz soooo happy! i said hey to rico as i wuz walkin into the dance hall.. but he just looked at me with this face and waved.. so yeah.. still hates me... i wish i had done my hair tho.. but i didnt cuz i thought we were dressing out... we watched dirty dancin.. well most of it.. i had never seen it b4 but it wuz kool... that wuz the best period of the day... we all layed around. very kool.

*biology* ahaha i hate this class... i didnt understand wut rly went on today but ms bhomik wuz trying to explain this project for us on thursday.. ok well we have to make a "3-D model" and put it to a poster board... er yeah and it cant be drawn.. but then i asked ms bhomik how that wuz possible.. and she gave me the worst explaination she dont knoe a damn thing she sayz.. but then i asked "wut if we're too poor to buy a posterboard?" and she sayz "u mean u cant afford a poster? why?" lol im not sure she comprehended cuz she wuz trying to give me an answer but it made no sense at all... when we came back from lunch i wrote rico a note.

*lunch* at first i ate with john strickland, and charde and emily.. my fried chicken sandwhich wuz off tha chain! i made it. yupyup.. lol well then yeah i had a bad lunch... i wuz walkin around cuz i wuz in pain.. with u knoe... and a bunch of people were sittin at the picnic table thing when i walked by and they all go "hey cute skirt" i must admit... my skirt is very cute and i actually looked cute today! i got compliments too... but then i went inside to ask people if they had tylenol and rico wuz sittin with ryann and he just glared at me and pretended not to look... i dont knoe wut the fuck his problem is... when i went back to biology drew pulled me aside and wanted to get me and kaylin to fight... and hes like "ill give u 10 bucks to beat her up... " i wuz like "eh no" "y not?" "cuz" "cuz y" "thats mean" "not ah she called u a slut" "so i dont care" "SO?! aahahaha" "wa?" i knew she wouldnt say that to me cuz she'z rly nice... me and her were talkin and of course rico used to like her too and they did all this stuff on the disney trip and she said rico said i wuz so damn hot today at lunch.. but i ono

*algebra* funnie stuff.. we learned this new exponents thing... itz weird...it wuz a perty boring class until we got into our groups and did part of our homework.. me and jonet... ahaha we could not sstop laughing! we were mostly laughin at nick... he wuz makin the funniest faces he looked so stupid... only he didnt rly knoe wut he wuz doing.. and then he wuz there sniffin hiz u kno.. it wuz in a box and he looked so funnie ahaha... and aaron kept ticklin meh dont knoe wut that wuz bout but rachel looked at us like we were so stupid. luv ya girl
after skool i gave rico the note but he got all mad at me and said "cant u see im talking to my friend?"

*bus 324* it wuz a rly perty day today... wanted to go to the beach... but it wuz also windy... and when i was walking to the bus my skirt flew up! o my! lol.. well n e hoo it wuz perty boring.. . and jared b and the other girl named rachel rode home with nikki.. ooo and i saw ryan... hehe well yeah ok our bus wuz late and it wuz preciseley 4:23 when we arrived at fort caroline... and we were driving by the football field or wutever those things of grass are ahah... yeah well runnin out come this pack of like 20 kids with their skateboards and it looked so funnie i wuz laughin rly hard... and then i thought " i wonder if ryan is there runnin with the pack" and i just laughed at myself. i felt rly weird and i wuz tired and then sure enuff there he wuz runnin too ahahaha i waved.. and he looked at me like i wuz crazy or sumthin... like he wuz think "wait wuz that hoo i think it wuz?" er yeah... but our bus stopped behind these cars and he came up to the bus and i went over to the window and all i said wuz hey baby... er yeah he didnt say anything and i went to my backpack cuz i wanted to give him sumthin but the buss puleld away and he left... i felt rly.. um stupid.. yeah.. and emily walston iz like "OMG ALYSSA THATZ THE RYAN U WERE ALWAYZ TALKIN ABOUT???" i said "um yeah.." "well i thought u were talkin about sumone else... sum1 taller and cuter and yeah wow i hated that kid... he wuz rly retarded and he wuz alwayz with jonathan.." er yeah a lot of people rank on ryan.. i usually stick up for my baby unless im too tired or not feelin well.. er yeah lol... on the way walkin home me and emily stopped to talk to kamar and i wuz talkin bout ryan cuz kamar goes to fort caroline to help out at the office.. cuz he goez to terry parker..and then when i wuz walkin down my street i wuz walkin rly slow and thinkin bout ryan az usuall... but the other nite i wuz reading all his notes... and i wuz thinkin bout how ome of them seemed weird but they made sense now i knew he went to fort caroline... and then i thought about how everything else made sense now that i knew... eer yeah..

when i got home i saw my mom's purse and i realized she stayed home and didnt go to work today (which sux) cuz her back went out again... i called jonet and i told her how i saw ryan and my mom heard me and when i got off the phone she went all out on me and i wuz trying to explain to her... but she said "well wutever just as long as u knoe that if i ever catch him around here hiz but iz in trouble... i dont want u seeing that boi n e more.." and that made me rly sad cuz i thought things were lookin up with her and the situation but i guess not... and that makes me rly upset... we've been "broken up" for like a week and a half and it feels like a month and a half and im just so sick of this i wish it wuz back to the way it wuz... we kinda went throo sumthin like this a while back but we got throo that and it wuznt as bad but.. now im not sure we will.. i just pray every nite that everything will be ok...

i hope ryan likes the notes and stuff that jonet iz gonna give him tonite at teens.. i forgot to give her sumthin else and thatz wut i wuz gonna give him when i saw him earlier but o well. i gotta get rdy 4 dance soon...
tahtah

grr
today actually started ok...
i did my hair all cute and we didnt dress out for dance in 1st or 2nd period cuz i ono dr penney changed her mind i guess...for another extravaganza show.

*Ethnic Dance* we watched a movie.. well pretended too and we did BODY ART! lol...
but i got a info flash.. rico has been tellin everybody that he never wants to talk to me again and that he wished he had gone and screwed that gurl...

*Dance* we started watchin this australian ballet thing but then we watched chicago which rocked... and i sat in da back with jonet and sarah

*world history* boringboringboring more compliments on my hair we took notes on the INCAS (theyre my people yall) and we did this crunchy little worksheet and then we had storytime... oo yeah and i wrote ryan a note..

*lunch* we ate in the secret garden and talked to mr. allen and then i went inside and ate with jonet and ryann

*english* we reviewed the A & P story which i didnt get at all i thought it wuz sooo stupid... then after a long long discussion we split into groups to read this other story that i didnt get either... itz called "the end of sumthing"... jamison wuz readin it in the voice gosh my jamie is so funnie! im rly gonna miss him when he goez to stanton *tear*. u knoe he wants to be with all hiz asian gurls... tru aznz unlike me lol... well i punched jamie in a certain place... lol i felt bad.. sorry hun. then emily came over in our group to join the laughter! ahaha funnie stuff... they both had their "reading voices" goin on.. and the jamie kissed my tosies! lol no one ever kissed my toes b4... cept for my mom... but i wuz little... and well if u count my dog and my cat.. but yeah he kissed my nastay toes.. lol no they arent as bad as sum peoples...

i got home and my mom picked me up from the first stop today and she wuz listen to NPR as always... bout children get abducted and of course she had a couple million things to say about that... and then they took my cell phone away i dont knoe y theyre always yelling at me for sum thin im always doing wrong... i went to dance and we had an ok class.. it wuz slow and short... and i did rly bad... it just haznt been my month... actually it haznt been my year.. or past 2 years.. lol i ono im just screwed wut can i say. after dance my mom took me to buy rachel a present cuz her birthday iz 2moro. HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAYRAY! on the way home tho my mom wuz bitchin and she would not stop yelling at me for all this crap and then she said that we r gonna have to move to new york soon.. abuela almost died again yesterday.. she haznt been takin good care of herself and my mom wants to her to move down here since abeula iz sellin her house and moving to an apartment in lindenhurst.. but n e hoo i told my mom tht they can go move whenever i dont care ill just move in with emily.. but she starts yellin at me about how i couldnt do that blahblahblah and ii told her to shut up and stuff and she started yelling at me for my attitude and about all the things i never do rite around here... and i wuz starting to cry and trying to get her to stop.. but she went on how emilys mom wouldnt let me move in and i said "well i'll just tell her ur abusing me" and she goes "yeah rite" and said i needed to stop my crying act cuz im ridiculous and all this stuff and i cried the rest of the way home.. when i got home i just went to her room and watched tv for like 40 minutes and at 8 o clcok i asked her when we were gonna eat and shez like " u didnt eat yet?" and i said "um no... nobody told me dinner wuz ready.." so then she started yelling at me for not having a brain and knowing to come out and look for food or sumthing bcuz they ate while i wuz at dance but how the hell am i supposed to knoe that.. and my mom said "it doeznt take much of ur little brain to knoe that alyssa.." so shez yelling at me for not knowing when to eat... i ended up eating at like 8:40 but wutever... i hate her days off... but now im rly tired and i gotta bunch a stuff to do so
tahtah

just a quite interesting discovery.. just read

A u bId 1 1 (7:01:45 PM): do u put cool aid on ur lips
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:01:51 PM): uh no
A u bId 1 1 (7:01:59 PM): would u do it if u were in jail
A u bId 1 1 (7:02:31 PM): lol u wanna no something funny that happened with me jay and josh
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:03:30 PM): yeah sure
A u bId 1 1 (7:03:43 PM): we were at lunch right
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:03:46 PM): k
A u bId 1 1 (7:03:54 PM): so we finished and we were bored so we went to the library
A u bId 1 1 (7:04:12 PM): we got on a comp and me and jay were planning on dling a hack that tells us watever the ppl in the library are typing
A u bId 1 1 (7:04:17 PM): but we werent suppose to be on the comp
A u bId 1 1 (7:04:28 PM): so this teacher was like excuse me wat r u doing
A u bId 1 1 (7:04:44 PM): so josh is like being all loud and the librarian came
A u bId 1 1 (7:05:02 PM): and she said give me ur id numbers im gonna track wat yall were doing
A u bId 1 1 (7:05:24 PM): so me and jay started thinking of wat to say right wen the lady walked away and josh was like "omg woman wat r we gonna do"
A u bId 1 1 (7:05:31 PM): and me and jay were coming up with a plan lol
A u bId 1 1 (7:05:36 PM): so i go get the hell out of here
A u bId 1 1 (7:05:38 PM): and he left lol
A u bId 1 1 (7:05:57 PM): and we didnt even get it trouble
A u bId 1 1 (7:06:18 PM): but he was being annoying as hell wen 2 great minds were working
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:06:29 PM): o
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:06:32 PM): wut wuz he sayin
A u bId 1 1 (7:06:45 PM): he was like omg woman wat r we gonna do guys omg
A u bId 1 1 (7:06:47 PM): benuig all loud and hyper
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:06:52 PM): wut a dork
A u bId 1 1 (7:07:09 PM): so me and jay were trying to discuss a good excuse
A u bId 1 1 (7:07:19 PM): so i was like get the hell out of here1
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:08:21 PM): doez he have a lot of friends
A u bId 1 1 (7:08:41 PM): he noes like all the ppl from band since hes loud and shit
A u bId 1 1 (7:08:43 PM): so i guess so
A u bId 1 1 (7:08:50 PM): not many ppl other than band ppl tho
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:08:52 PM): o
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:08:56 PM): he haz a girlfriend
A u bId 1 1 (7:09:15 PM): does he?
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:09:18 PM): yeah
A u bId 1 1 (7:09:21 PM): oo
A u bId 1 1 (7:09:24 PM): i meant to tell u...
A u bId 1 1 (7:09:28 PM): but
A u bId 1 1 (7:09:37 PM): u have to tel me something first
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:09:41 PM): yeah ok
A u bId 1 1 (7:09:49 PM): how often do u talk to him
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:10:02 PM): um i havent talked to him in like 6th months
A u bId 1 1 (7:10:05 PM): ok
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:10:06 PM): so like never
A u bId 1 1 (7:10:07 PM): listen
A u bId 1 1 (7:10:13 PM): we were in gym right
A u bId 1 1 (7:10:18 PM): 1st period
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:10:20 PM): ok
A u bId 1 1 (7:10:29 PM): i was dressing out and like talking about basketball or something
A u bId 1 1 (7:10:32 PM): and he walks in
A u bId 1 1 (7:10:38 PM): laffing like he just saw a dam circus or something
A u bId 1 1 (7:10:45 PM): so i said wat the hell is wrong
A u bId 1 1 (7:11:08 PM): he said omg alyssa called me yesterday and my mom picked up the phone and i told my mom i didnt want to talk and she told alyssa i had a gurlfriend ahahahahahahahahah
A u bId 1 1 (7:11:14 PM): this was a long time ago
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:11:24 PM): o..
A u bId 1 1 (7:11:26 PM): :\ sry
A u bId 1 1 (7:11:29 PM): he doesnt lol
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:11:41 PM): r u serious
A u bId 1 1 (7:11:42 PM): hes like a mix between a wiggerwannabe and a kid from jackass
A u bId 1 1 (7:11:43 PM): yes
A u bId 1 1 (7:11:48 PM): i have no reason to lie to u
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:11:54 PM): omg..
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:11:58 PM): y would he do that?
A u bId 1 1 (7:12:04 PM): i dont no
A u bId 1 1 (7:12:07 PM): i guess he wanted to impress me
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:12:17 PM): thatz not very impressing..
A u bId 1 1 (7:12:21 PM): he came in bragging about it :\
A u bId 1 1 (7:12:22 PM): ya i no
A u bId 1 1 (7:12:28 PM): i was like dam woman
A u bId 1 1 (7:12:29 PM): not u as in woman lol
A u bId 1 1 (7:12:31 PM): him as in woman
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:13:14 PM): yeah well i dont knoe wutz wrong with that child cuz i just wanted to see how he wuz doing
A u bId 1 1 (7:13:39 PM): ya ;\
A u bId 1 1 (7:13:48 PM): i seriously think he might be gay
A u bId 1 1 (7:13:58 PM): i no if u called ide talk to u lol
A u bId 1 1 (7:14:06 PM): dam looking as good as u do :D
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:14:11 PM): and if he even thinks that im gonna cry or sum shit next time i talk to him he doeznt need to flatter himself cuz if he rly told her to say that.. then i dont kne hoo he thinkz he iz
A u bId 1 1 (7:14:24 PM): :\
A u bId 1 1 (7:14:29 PM): sirrrrry
A u bId 1 1 (7:15:24 PM): so wats up with u and skate adventure
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:15:35 PM): lol o um
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:15:36 PM): yeah
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:15:40 PM): read my journal
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:15:49 PM): start around the 25th
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:16:24 PM): i dont wanna type up the whole story but we're takin a break cuz my mom wont let me go out with him n e more
A u bId 1 1 (7:16:39 PM): lol isnt ur mom the 1 who messed up u and josh
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:17:04 PM): yeah
A u bId 1 1 (7:17:17 PM): ;\

TODAY
today wuz definately a bad day...
well it all started when i got my period this morning... lol a yeast infection and a period... AWESOME! not...okee well letz go throo the day...

*health* it wuz boring.. coach rivera gave us chocolate cake and i must say i gave in cuz i wuz so hungry... i wrote a note to ryan... o yeah and *sumbody* told me that they heard rico telling sumone bout how mad he wuz that he turned down having sex with thiz one gurl for me and i still blew him off... that made me rly mad cuz that wuz total jerkness of him... we also watched the rookie and we had to look for non verbal communication.. but it wuz boring and i wuz cramping ... i alrdy saw that movie...

*dance* the worst time in my whole entire life... well almost. it turned out that dancers did have to dress out when our teachers told us we didnt have to cuz lavilla and sum other skools came for extravaganza... dr penney gave us like 3 minutes to change and chased us out cuz the extravaganza people had to use it but oo i saw ms ottely and gave her a hug... well n e way i thought i wuz bout to die my cramps hurt so fucking bad i wuz crying... and then i told ms jenkins and she told me dancing would help even tho the lord knoes as well as i that in my case it doez not but she made me try and i could barely do plies and tendus were worse and i almost passed out.... so i just sat in a corner shaking begging for sum tylenol or sumthing... and btw... we had 3 classes in one half of the studio and then the other class in the second half.. so we had like maybe 65 in half of a studio taking ballet cuz everything else wuz extravanganza... it wuz the longest hour and 15 minutes of my life and i wanted to go jump off a bridge lol i never had cramps that bad in skool... i used to never have them at all... and then my level ran our peice while everyone else watched and i marked it.. amy said "o alyssa u look terrible... i actually believe ur in pain this time.." lol yeah i wuz a total mess. but herez a tip for everybody out there... wut ever u do... do not mix motrin IB, midol and excedrin... it wuz meant for it to take only one kind per 24 hours... otherwise u will go crazy.. like me... o yeah and jonet tole me bout her and sean's problems... im keep tellin her to put that boi straight...

*biology* i like run into class and im not yelling at people lmao it wuz hilarious.. i kept telling everybody they best get outta my way and then nicola comes over to calm me and i felt the tears comin and shez like " ok alyssa breathe...bbrreeeaaatthhheee.... beathe in throo ur nose *breathe* breath out throo ur mouth *breath*" it worked actuallly... took awhile... and she massaged my hand and charde gave me sum cotton candy.. it wuz almost as sweet as her! lol well after like 15 minutes of breathing like that i began feeling rly rly dizzy... and it felt so wierd i thought i wuz gonna faint and then i felt like i wuz out of my body.. and then i started shaking... it wuz sum crazy shit im tellin ya dont mix pills... badbadbad... ok and then after awhile i went to the bathroom and came back and i wuz acting so high... ahahahaha... i felt sooo out of it...

*lunch* half of it i ate with emily and then she left and i wuz eating with carlos, sarah and ryann and we were sharing nachos... mm yummy.... rico totally ignored me the whole time and made an effort to not sit near me and i knoe hez been talking about me and telling people all this crap and he told sumbody that i said "i never liked u in the first place" but i mumbled it and covered it up with "i dont think we should go out.." first of all i would never say that to sumbody cuz i am not that mean... and secondly i wuz mumbling.. but i wuz doing that little jibberish thing soo yeah... hez just being rly stupid and i cannot believe he could be that much of a jerk.. i thought he wuz a nicer person and i thought that our friendship meant more to him but obviously hez just tryin to get sum and so hez just gonna have to go get sum with sumbody else... and yeah thatz all i have to say about that rite now cuz he hurt my feelings.

*algebra* well by now i wuz feelin a lot better and jonet let me read the note shez givin to sean... i finished warm ups and mr. allen wuz talkin to peoplez waitin for every one else to get done and i raise my hand... and then he tells everyone to shut up cuz he couldnt hear me askin him a question and so it wuz perty quiet and im like "mr. allen can i use the restroom?" then he said " well wut time did u get here?" i dont knoe" "well class starts at 1:40 wut time iz it now?" "i dont knoe" and then i grab aaron'z watch and it said 1:53 and then mr allen goez on about how i should have had time b4 class blahblahblah and if i rly had to go then i should have known b4 class and he went on... and then i said "well wut if i have to do sumthing else?" and hez like "well u should have known that b4 u came here.." and itz perty quiet and then i say to him across the room "wut ever mr. allen im on my period..." and hez like "OO well hehehe just go then...remind me to get u a calender or sumthing hahaha.." and then everyone iz like laughing and lamar is like "TMI TMI i didnt need to knoe that" and ali'z like "rite on alyssa" but i dont care everyone knoes when im on my period and earlier aaron crosby wuz makin fun of me sayin everyone knoes when im on my period and im like gulpin down the whole midol bottle which iz so not true and i had never had midol b4 until today... so yeah... when i came back to class everybody wuz like staring at me and i walk past mr. allen and he holds up hiz hand to give me a high five and then i go to give high five man and snatches his hand away and goes "ew gross no gett away!" but i wuz like " BUT I WASH MY HANDS MR. ALLEN!" "i sure hope so" ahahahaha funnie stuff and then he went on about how god iz gonna curse him and give him all girls and then wife would probably die or sumthin and he would have to buy all the feminine products and deal with all that stuff and yeah that wuz it.. im sure u all didnt rly wanna knoe all that but this iz my journal so fuck it. ahaha j/p

*bus* at first it wuz quite boring and then glen asks sum dumb question bout how they sterilize lethal injection needles... and so we got into this rly rly rly big debate about the death penalty... and then president bush ( no offense but i cannot stand that man and i rly rly hope that there are good people in america hoo will not re elect him..) and of course once u start about bush it dont stop there u gotta go into iraq, and bin laden and suddan and then of course here comes september 11 and bombing things, and oil, and husain gettin at bush's daddy tryin to kill him and thatz a big reason fer everything.. and then we talked about taxes and prison and gain with the dealth penalty.. and then this thing bout sumbody wanting immigrants to be legal.. and this gurl wuz totally hatin that.. im not for it or against it but we're all immigrants so yeah less then 10% of the people here are native american... but i gotta blast i got a paper to write...
tahtah

hey im just here... *sigh* just finished one tree hill aka CHAD time since i missed last week cuz well.. yeah i needed too thatz when me and ryan *broke up*... and then the week b4 and the week b4 that.... cuz i alwayz talked to ryan at that time... but now *tear* i do not... so.. yeah but i thought about him the whole time and me and emily discussed the situation... and we got into the whole lying thing again... i forgive him and all but it still rly hurt me... of course no one iz perfect and i love ryan will all my heart and lil bit of emily's too since we share her heart lol... so it change me deep *feelings* but i think i should go to bed soon... i havent been gettin much sleep lately... either itz cuz i dont go to bed until late doin my homework cuz i wuz moping around during the day waiting for a miracle when i could have been doin that homework or bcuz i stayed up moping and thinkin bout ryan instead of going to sleep... moping... now thatz a strange word. i hearby declare it my word of the week.
adios
tahtah

Here'z Your Letter

Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone
Hear your voice in the dark
Lose myself in your eyes
Choke my voice say goodnight
as the world falls apart
Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this

Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence

The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

:: gosh i love this song!!! lol yeah i do it means a lot to me... especially about... well u knoe.. ::

grrr...
badbadbad...well today wuz
yesterday wuz ok... i wrote i love ryan with the mustard on my sandwhich.. lol the day wuz perty boring.. but we didnt even have the biology quiz.. in algebra we had a quiz and then i wuz done and i wuz rly rly bored and then the fire alarm went offf and omg it wuz soo funnie everybody flew at least a foot out of their seat. it scared the shit outta me... mr.allen said it wuznt a drill... and it wuz rly cold and rainy and we were out there for like 25 minutes... i just huddled with jonet and ali and i wrote garrett a note bout my problems lol... but we didnt get to go inside until after the dismissal bell rang..

ahh today now.. eh.. well rico came back today.. he wuz on sum cruz thing or sumthin i dunno... but after 1st period he wuz like "we gotta talk" cuz thiz mornin i didnt say hay to him cuz me and ryann ran into him and then we went to where matt obrero, and jonah and everybody were a skatin... so yeah... but then rico started askin me bout ryan and stuff and i havent talked to him but i still rly love him and stuff and then rico iz like "so r we gonna go out?" and i wuz like oo no hunny child i knoe u did not just say that... but wut i actually said wuz "um i gotta talk to u bout that later..." he said "well y cant we talk about it now?" "cuz" "cuz y?" "cuz i dont wanna" "well y not?" "cuz i need to get my words straight" then he said "well b4 u get ur words straight ask sarah L. wut happend in tampa..." yeah well sarah muh gurl told me... well rico met this gurl in tampa and he said she wuz rly pretty and hott and stuff and well one thing led to another ..they made out and she gave him head and he ate her out... and then he said that he wuz bout to fuck her but he thought about me and decided not to... and well if i wuz him... (well i wouldnt do that in the first place) but if i did i wouldnt want the gurl im tryin to get with to knoe about it... cuz ew gross gross gross that wuz so nasty and wrong... but yeah so in the hall after 2nd period he said he wuz gonna skip and come to my lunch so we could "talk" and i wuznt lookin forward to it cuz i felt bad that i wuznt gonna go out with him.. i ono i just like to bee nice to people... but yeah we talked and he asked me wut wuz up.. and i told him that i am still deeply deeply in love with ryan... and nothin could change that and rico haz just been pressuring me to go out with him this whole time and ricos nice as a friend and stuff but yeah i dont like him... im all for ryan... and i told rico that i dont think we should go out and i rly wanna stay good friends like we have been gettin but... he hates me now which iz sooo stupid... y iz he gonna hate me just cuz i wont go out with him cuz im happier with ryan.. he should be happy that i would be happy... but he got rly rly upset and i felt bad but he looked like he wuz bout to cry.. and i dont like hurting people but at least i told him the truth cuz i hate lying... az everyone should knoe by now.. and i try not to lie... well when itz not to my parents lol... actually no ive been rly rly honest with my parents for the past month... thatz y ive been in so much trouble... but N E HOO he just walked off after that and he told me he wuz upset and then he told like all his little guy friendz wut happend and he would not talk to me at all.. and he wuz near me all during lunch but he would not even look at me... and then i wuz right there and sarah L. asked wut wuz wrong and hez like " this iz so stupid you should've heard wut she said.. this iz so stupid i hate this..." i wuz like 'wut bia?' im sorry if i didnt tell him wut he wanted to hear and im sorry that i didnt tell him that i wuz head over heals for him and i wanted to go out with him asap... but thatz not how it wuz soo im not gonna lie about it... and ive been trying to be rly nice about it too... but itz like we broke up our friendship... he didnt talk to me for the rest of the day and totally avoided me and carlos wouldnt tell me n e thing that he said so... yeah... i let emily read all of the old notes i have to give to ryan in 4th period and the little pouch thingy im surprised it stayed together cuz i cant sew worth crap.. and it showz... john frazier strickland said " oo alyssa... did u make that? itz soo.. um.. primitive.." lol yeah well itz the best i can do without a machine lol.
my body iz so fucked up itz like crazy man... now if u could see how ive been walkin since i got home... u would laugh so hard... i would laugh rly hard too but im in too much pain.. lol well letz see.. im limping on both legs cuz on my left foot i screwed up my ankle all of a sudden i dont knoe wut happend and now there are spasms in my metatarsals on that foot too... um on my right leg im havin these weird cramps and spasms in my calf and my hip wont turn out itz like stuck... my back iz back... lol yeah itz bothering me a lot now do itz painful thing... um i have a sore throat and head ache and o yeah did i mention that i think i have a yeast infection??? er yeah.. but im not talkin to my mom n e more remember? so i cant say "hey mom i think i need to see a ghino" ahahahaha that would be the shit.
okee well i gotta go fold clothes...
i love u ryan
tahtah

um yeah im on "punishment" my mom just yelled the crap outta herself... things between me and my mom arent going too well... actually they never are... if ur mom iz one of those momz hoo actually remembers wut itz like to be in highskool... and will actually let u make u own choices and can give u real advice about stuff other than vitamins... well ur really lucky..
i wuz watching tv and talkin to emily and my mom comes in with her fake british accent trying to be a smart ass telling me to "collect your things i advise u to do so" then i wuz talkin to emily cuz she asked me wut wuz up with my mom and i said " o u knoe shez just being her retarded usuall self thinkin shez all kool talkin like shez british"... and then i mumble "but she needs to go on a diet.." and she starts runnin to my room and closes my door as she sayz "o alyssa dont be a fool" and i screamed and i said "gosh shez such a BITCH!" and she heard me and she yelled sumthing but i didnt knoe she wuz yellin at me and then i realized and i started to laugh... and emilyz like "wut the hell.." and then she came in and started yellin at me ahaha i dont even knoe wut she said i just stood there and laughed... but then she snatched the phone out of my hand and said "goodbye" and pressed the flash button... god shez so stupid and then she stormed out of my room... then i broke down and started to cry... i hate the way i can never please my parents and there iz alwayz sumthing more i can do and i alwayz seem to have the worst attitude in the world... and i wish i would just fail and that way they would appreciate it when i show them my str8 a'z but i dont think i could ever let myself fail cuz i get mad over a b...and i wanna be in honor society and i rly want a scholarship so i dont have stay in florida cuz i want to move away az far as possible...
grrr i hate crying all the time.. everyday i cry... where do all the tears come from?
sumtimes i wish me and my mom were close... and i could actually tell her stuff with out her going psycho about how im not allowed to do that... i wish i could explain to her everything about ryan.. and how much he means to me... and how special he iz and that he didnt mean to hurt me and i rly love him but i could never tell my mom n e thing. she wouldnt only lecture me about how im too young and im not allowed... but if she rly knew everything i've been throo... and she knew me.. she would knoe... that i am capable.
im crying... go hug a tree

*u look like a porn star*
thatz how i will remember ur face... teehee

how do u kill the one thing that iz keeping u alive?

here iz the song that wuz playin when i wuz "talkin" to ryan in claires...

Him and her
Life is turned.
The day I knew you would leave
I can barely breath
Can you hear me scream

O-o-o thrown in all directions
You epitome of perfection
She's lost her will,
time is standing still

He walks, her, home
Now he walks a-lone
The days they turn into years
The eyes they drown in tears

Can you hear me scream

The way we are the way they were
(It's just a shadow of what's wrong)
The time with you the time is stirred
(I love you for , so long)
The hearts they turn, they turn away
(she says to go please don't you cry)
Love lost was found, night turns to day

Time is standing still


makez sense ya knoe

Today is supposed to be a WONDERFUL DAY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMILY! HAPPY HAPPY 15!
yup today iz emily'z birthday... and yesterday she had a couple people over... but letmeh start from da beginning...
FRIDAY WUZ RYANN"S 15 BIRTHDAY! she left school after 1st period to go get her learner's permit.. friday wuz ok... at skool... hmm first period wuz ethnic and we did these african dances... aha funnie.. um yeah im too white for that stuff... but hmm 2nd period wuz mrs barret class... hated it... 3rd period we watched the road to elderado and people finished their molas.... boring... um lunch wuz boring i wuz rly rly hungry tho.. and then 4th period i dont remember wut crap we did...
but n e hoo i went to ryann's house at like 7:30 and i got her flowers, a piggie that oinks! (she sayz itz a boi cuz it looks like itz got a weewee but i said it wuz a belly button!) and lolli pops... i always have fun with ryann... it wuz just me, kristy and ryann tho cuz sum peez couldnt have fun... we had chinese food. yummy! itz so funnie to watch ryann eat.. her dad iz hilarious... then we watched blue crush.. we stopped it in the middle to watch what not to wear.. had popcorn then watched blue crush again and had sum ice cream... but we were all rly tired and went to bed soon after that... it all started out with all 3 of us on ryann's full bed and then i didnt feel like being squished so i slept of the floor... i like sleeping on the floor now itz weird.. but i dreamt about ryan.. i wuz kinda in a good mood cuz jonet called me from her church friday nite and told me that ryan just left but he gave her like 5 notes to jonet and this wristband with an R on it to give to me... so ya... we all woke up like 5 times in the morning but we didnt get out of bed till till 10... we watched bring it on again and had cinnamon rolls and fruit salad for breakfast. kristy had to leave at 11 cuz she had dance.. we missed her teartear lol well then we finished the movie and started to get ready to go to the mall.. took awhile.. and then ryann got on the computer and then she yells my name.. and said "alyssa come here! quick!" i wuz like o...k.. and ryan wuz online! he had hiz away message on fer awhile and i talked to emily about him and i read hiz journal on his website... hmm yeah and then finally he came back when i wuz on ryann's sn.. we didnt talk very long cuz we had to go.. but it wuz weird.. i ono... i saved the convo thoo...
k well then ryann drove us to the mall!!! wooohoo! lol she did good! we got to the mall and ryann wuznt rly in shoppin mood and i wuznt in n e kind of mood... but i got emily'z b-day presnt... which wuz totally different than wut i wuz plannin on.. i got her earings, a necklace and bracelets and then i got her an i love u dog... cuz shez always there for me and i love her to death and the only time we were every truly in a fight wuz that time in october.. and it wuz all over aaron... it all seems so stupid now... everything iz soo different... but n e way i got flip flops and a new purse...
hahaha me and ryann went to go eat in the food court and after we finished eating we just sat there and stared at every body and analyzed them.. we talked about if they were single.. y they were at the mall, wut kind of person they are.. wherre they r going in life... and there were these 2 guys sitting at the table next to us and we looked and we were like o no hunnie.. haha on had a buncha of piercings but they looked good kinda and there wuz the surfer lookin guy.. and we said "yeah those guys think they got it and think they can get sum but rly they cant n e.." lol then they started talkin to us... they were hittin on us.. theyr asked about how we liked our food.. from charley's and they asked if it wuz good and stuff... then they said "well yall dont look like ur having fun." we told em how we were observing people.. they started laughin... then they were like "so yall go to skool here?" we said "yeah" "where at?" "Douglas Anderson" "O iz that like a highskool?" "yup" "what grade are yall in" "9th.." "OMG DAMN! yall r freshman??? yall sure dont look like freshman...." ahaha ryann said we should of told him we were juniors... then they asked us how old we thought they were... i knew they werent in high skool...well the surfer guy looked like he mite be a senior but the other guy looked like he wuz in college.. i told the guy with the peircingz he looked about 18/19 and i wuznt sure about the other guy... he looked younger tho... but it turned out that the pericings guy wuz 21 and the surfer wuz 18... lol... o yeah and after that we say erin and jason.. my old childhood friend lol.
when me and ryann were in claires... jonet called me and shez like "guess hoo'z here?" "i dont knoe hoo?" "GUESS!" "ryan?" "yup wanna talk to him?" "yup" ok so we talked fer a lil bit.. he kept shivering... but um yeah then we didnt talk for like 20 minutes.. he wuz talkin to everybody else and i dont knoe wut wuz wrong with me im just like that sumtimes but yeah then he gave the phone to jonet and said "yeah shez not talkin soo" hmm then jonet asked me wut the deal wuz and i just i rly didnt have n e thing to say to him and he wuznt talkin to me soo.. it wuz weird... but after awhile we had to go and ryann left and i waited in the food court.. i called jared and he thought i wuz emily AGAIN. i saw those guys again... after awhile emily came and we went back in the mall cuz her mom had to get sum more of her gift... after that we went to best buy and stayed in the car and read YM. when we got to their house devon wuz home and emily wuz rly happy cuz he wuznt supposed be home... then danny came and then jared... so it wuz just me, emily, jared, dannyC, devon, nikki, katelyn and her friend and then jordan came later... at first i wuz rly hyper.. i wuz crazy... we went outside... when it wuz rly dark.. in da woods! devon proposed lol.. then we went on to the bailey property.. and itz rly scary down there.. we had these 2 wimpy flashlights.. and all the birds in the house were sleeping... devon kept scaring the crap out of me and we were gonna walk all the way down to the river but every kept gettin scared and then devon freaked them all out by tellin em there wuz sumthin in the house or wutever down there and sumone wuz coming so everyone starts walkin rly fast back to emily's house but emily tole me he wuz jokin well it wuznt funnie boi!
when we got inside we had papa john's pizza behbay! mmm mm good. lotz of funnie stuff... i kept bumpin into emily's mom and then i got cake down my shirt... and then lmao... danny starts gettin everybody paper plates and stuff and hez like "i can stack em for az long but that doeznt mean im puttin them away.." and emily thought it wuz so funnie and then her drink came out of her nose... ahahahaha.. priceless... we were video recordin alot... and then we went back outside... all of dem skateboardin and devon wuz talkin to jenna.. they be having sum problemos. poor dear. jordan kept stealin my phone... awhile layta jonet called again... we were talkin about ryan alot and i started crying..it wuz just all this stuff about how i cant look at couples n e more.. and i cant watch tv.. and now that valentines day iz every where.. u knoe... so i wuznt very hyper n e more... and me and jonet kept talkin bout guys... sean... but she had to go cuz her and angela had to have a deep convo. u knoe. lol yeah well i luv ya jonet. after that it wuz just me , danny, emlily and jared... devon, jordan and nikki had to go home and i didnt get to say bye to devon. tear. emily and jared... welll they were eh hem.. hmm yeah ok well we were watchin the tape from emily's birthday last year... it wuz soo funnie... it wuz so.. perfect. everything haz changed sooo much.. and olivia wuz there... gosh i miss the way she used to be... last year it wuz me, josh, katelyn, kasey, olivia, elizabeth and of course emily... josh wuz soo funnie... and country! omg i havent heard hiz voice in a real long time so i frogot but yeah... it wuz rly rly rly funnie... lookin perty good! ahaha sum parts were sad... u knoe bring back dem memoriez... katelyn called josh like 3 times... he didnt pick up hiz cell and when she called hiz house mary said that he wuz out with hiz girlfriend...but we made new memoriez this year... it wuz the birthday of da butts.. ahaha.. danny carey az the new abercombie model... in the jungle.. emily porn star now... my expertise video recording... fun fun fun... emily said the tape broke but i dunno... when i got home it wuznt so fun.. my dad eylled at me the whole way home and i cried my self to sleep... my parents just came in to yell at me sum more... they wont believe n e thing i say... and ive gone mute to them.. they only thing ive said to my mom all week wuz this morning... i asked her if she wuz going to bjz today.. "she said um im not feeling to well so i dont think im doing n e thing" "yyy" "well go ask god to get urself a new mom'' "i alrdy did i dont think he wuz listening cuz it haznt happened yet..."
but now january iz over... quite an eventful month i must say..
i just hate everything now... itz like that quote from class the other day... when it rains it poors...
think about it

eh...
today wuz... okee.. considering the circumstances... i wuznt in a good mood today... not rly.. neither wuz nicola.. but i tried not to show it cuz it getz annoying when everyone asks u wutz wrong...
progress reports were today but i didnt look n e way... i dont need to worry bout my grades... we have a new format for the progress report tho... alot better i guess.. we get the other half our classes tomorrow
*before 1st period*
me and emily talked about aaron.. eh hem.. yeah aaron haz been jerky.. kinda... i ono he doeznt seem very understanding or open minded to my situation... and then he went all off on emily last nite... not good not good... i tried not to go off on him too last nite..
*Health* it wuz a pretty boring class... we did mini interviews with people we dont normally talk to in class. and memorize them then present... after that we did sum lesson on communication but i wuznt rly paying attention... i made a bunch of hearts out of startburst wrappers for emily... o yeah b4the bell we played telephone which i havent played in awhile..
*Ballet* boring... we did a relatively short barre... shorter then reg and then we worked on our peice cuz brooke and cristina are on probation and cant preform...
*Biology* boring.. more boring... we took notes on 3 slides then she tells us we're having a *pop up quiz* on monday... but next week iz extravaganza week and we're not supposed to get n e tests but kylie and aaron are like "o itz ok itz just a quiz" yeah sure... after that i just colored in my planner and helped emily with her LAM homework. she sits next to me now..
*lunch* hmm yeah im not gonna say alot bout lunch dont wanna hurt nobody's feelins... rico bought my lunch.. well half of it. I got nachoes even tho im supposed to be on a diet..grr.. i sat with ryann, sara l, carlos, josh L, sum other guy and rico.. well he didnt rly sit with us the whole time ahahaha he got everyone food.. cuz he got a lot money.. sellin er stuff.. um yeah... hez muh slave boi
*algebra* OMG IT WUZ SOO HILARIOUS! i come in class and mr.allen iz singing all these musical's songs... and then sum one starts sinin "a whole new world (magic carpet ride)" u knoe from aladdin... mr allen went all out and then EVERYONE started singing it we were all loud it wuz sooo funnie...we did this FCAT practice test while mr. allen did our progress reports but he kept them all to give us 2moro. i think i saw a 95.6 im not sure... n e hoo the test wuz ok there were sum questions that were hard.. when we finished we all just talked and i wuz talkin to aaron and rachel and then ali came over to where we sit and me and her were talkin about rico... cuz we're like in the same sitch... he liked her too.. lol o yeah and we were talkin about ryan ahahaha they went out for like a day last year and i ALWAYZ bugged him about it.. but when ever i talked bout ryan she didnt knoe it wuz him... and then ali asks "so iz he hot?" and i wuz sayin well u knoe him.. and then rachel sayz "remember u went with him at the end of the year.." and shez like "omg short little ryan???" awww.... lol then we kept talkin and she had to go back to her seat. shez rly nice.. then we played the silent i/o game...
hmm letz see the bell rang.. rico walked to my bus.... i got home... ooo yeah i watched dismissed. gay guys are so cute! ahaha theyre all competive and crap! this one guy wuz like "o no im gonna win this hoo can resist wut i got" and theyre body language wuz soo funnie... and then this other guy said about his openent.. he said "yeah he haz a nice singin voice... for a woman" but gay guys knoe how to dress!
then i got to dance and it wuz only me and this other gurl marissa.. yeah i dont like her too much... i came in late and shez talkin on her CELLPHONE and she sounded sooo stupid... ahaha okee well i dont wanna be mean.. class wuz ok but i had to work..
okee well i gotta go do my homework.. been trying not to think bout ryan too much cuz it makes me sad... i havent talked to my mom since tuesday nite... itz kinda hard to avoid my dad tho..
taha

-: there will be no white flag upon my door.... im in love and always will be :-
<3 @~~~'~~ <3

there will be many times where u will have to make a decision and choose a path leading to the direction ull start heading.. only i dont knoe where im goin...
um yeah... i didnt rly feel like doing n e thing today... and i rly dont feel like writing.. but i figure if i dont write now.. than i never will. last nite wuz... bad...badbadbad... me and ryan... eh...yeah... well he called me... after i wuz explainin everything to devon on da phone... and i had no idea wut to say to him cuz there were so many questions and so many things i wanted to say... but i didnt even say half of them... but he apologized about lying.. he said he thought that i wouldnt like him n e more or i wouldnt go out with him if i knew he failed... which wuz stupid.. i wuz hoping he would knoe im not like that... i rly rly rly wish he told me from the beginning bcuz there mite be a chance we wouldnt be as bad as i am feeling now.. me and ryan broke up.. kinda..sorta i ono. i didnt want to.. we're taking a "break" bcuz my mom and my dad have made it perfectly clear that they do not want me to have n e thing to do with ryan n e more... and yesterday they would not stop! they just went on and on and on about ryan... hez trouble... i dont need a guy lying to me thatz wrong for him to have lied to me since the beginning.. he cant be trusted... he got suspened.. bad towards his mom... im never allowed to see him again.. i cant go out with him and "if they ever see hiz name on the caller id im in trouble" and i think all of that iz a bunch of bull$h!T but wut can i say... itz all crap thatz wut.. but i love ryan sOoOoOoOosOsosOso much... and the thought of never being able to be with him again iz unbearable... i wish i could describe the way i feel... but i feel like doing sumthin... *cough* but i cant cuz i promised ryan i wouldnt do that n e more... so i guess ill just do a buncha head stands against the wall... but n e hoo az much i regret it.. im hoping i made the right decision so i can wait till my parents kool down until i convince them to let me be with him again.. and i need a plan.. only itz not working so well.. i wuz in a rly bad mood today and i wuz snapping at everybody and i didnt rly talk to my dad all day ( i havent even seen my mom 2day yet) but when i did i snapped at him and that made him rly mad.. either i can cry and cry and make them feel sorry for me, never talk to them or i can suck up and hope they get over it... gosh i am just so so so mad i wanna be with ryan so bad rite now... i hate feeling like this...
last nite i didnt get in bed till 12 and i dont remember when i feel alseep but i woke up at 5... i didnt cry as much as i wanted to last nite cuz i wuz so exhausted.. almost too tired to cry.. and then this morning i wuz trying to be calm... but when i started to talk about it to nicola.. i started crying... and it wuz hard but i held back.. and then when i got into the cafeteria b4 the bell rang for 1st period (it iz too damn cold to wait outside) and everyone kept asking wut wuz wrong and it wuz soo annoying and i didnt rly wanna talk aboutiy ... i told ryann.. and emily of course. ryann's b-day iz friday and emilyz iz on sunday o yeah and glen iz saturday.. yay... rico wanted to knoe wut wuz up.. but ive been hearin stuff.. aint so nice.. n e hoo i didnt want to tell him i barely said 2 words to him today.... b4 1st period when we were changing for ethnic in da dressin room... i wuznt rly talkin and liza and amy and stuffz were askin wut wuz wrong... and jonet came over and asked and i tried telling her but i staarted crying.. and then her and saniece kept hugging me tellin me it wuz gonna be ok... but i cant be sure if it will be.
i tried to feel better.. dance wuz boring we had perty much a regular class (ballet) and i tried on the yellow dress kristy brought for my costume... cuz im belle... from beauty and the beast.. 3rd period wuz long we made molas... sum mayan art thing with felt... megan chin and a bunch of other peoplez looked rly good.. mine um yeah mine looked crappy.. i did a parrot and a palm tree only it doeznt look like a palm tree it lookes like a pot leaf to me..lol... lunch wuz boring i didnt rly sit with emily... 4th period sucked i kept fallin asleep since i didnt get any last nite... we reviewed our stanley papers... i didnt do very well 7 2's and 2 3's... a 3 wuz the highest... i slept the whole bus ride home.. i just dont feel like doing this n e more... i wish it wuz like 2 weeks ago... i wanna be with ryan again... i wanna kiss him..
hmm stephen desorbo IMed me outta no where and here iz hiz poem..
.:: The love once thought to be twirling inside,so much he almost never wouldve amagined it died.and die it did as the sorrow wound up,all in to a ball that he could never give up.For in this ball was his joy and his pride,his love and his life, in a circle all cried.And cry they will for the one not yet lost,but abandoned in a world,so willfully sought.All this time he still wanders and searches,for the love that he lost,and the love that he still lurches. It's been such a time since its juices were tasted,on the tip of his tongue they almost went rancid,for the thought he was told, and the one they did tell,was near truthful enough,to make the greastest make quell.He thought all amuck and in his tidings did find, a simple thought tht emerged,to be the key to this blind,lost,oh so utterly lost soul,of tormented lives,and her name he cried out, to the wind. your name here ::.
i thought it wuz rly good... well i gotta go.. more home work o joy.

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

*hmmm now i wonder wut i mean by this song..*

ahhhh
well i would try and type everything up thatz happened since friday...but that would take too long and i'm feeling rly lazy lately... ryann slept over saturday and we had bundles of fun! uptown girls wuz sooooo good and TWISTER MOVES WUZ AWESOME! lol no not rly...well yeah thatz not really all that happended but i dont feel like typin it up.. but we had fun i love ya gurl...
sunday nite... gosh... ryan'z mom called me and we talked for a couple minutes... and then she talked to my mom... so basically wut she said to me wuz that "ryan iz making bad choices..." and "i rly like u alyssa, i think ur rly sweet and nice and pretty but i dont think itz a good idea for ryan to see u n e more" um yeah and sum more stuff about him being a bad influence or sumthin... o yeah and she asked me if ryan rode hiz bike to DA to see me and sum of hiz friends but u knoe ryna told me hiz mom got dropped...and then i wuz like o... "can i ask u a question?" "shore" "doez ryan go to fort caroline?" "yeah... wut haz he been telling u?" "that he goez to wolfson" "well no... obviously he haznt been honest with a lot of people" ...obviously.. then she talked to my mom and i couldnt understand all of it cuz i was talking to emily at the same time... but they talked about how we shouldnt see eachother n e more... and then ryanz mom said ryan "got physical" and she had to call the police or sumthing...i dont knoe... at first my mom thought me and ryan had sex ahahahaha and then she interpreted it as ryan hit hiz mom... but i dont knoe im confused i feel totally in the dark about this whole thing... but i havent talked to ryan in 4 dayz and my mom and dad have been lecturing me about how i cant go out with ryan n e more bcuz they didnt realize that'z hw he iz... or sumthin like tha? bad news i think iz wut my dad said lol...
so i dont knoe wutz gonna become of all this... it could be 4real or just sumthin said cuz they were rly mad... and i cant believe this iz happening... again.. and ugh it just pisses me off... everything.. and yes emily... i still cant believe he lied to me... more than once...and thatz like a big deal to me but maybe it wuznt to him... ive been rly sad bout it and ive been talkin to peepz and they're like "o he didnt deserve u, u could have dont a lot better..." and otherz tell me to break up with him cuz he lied to me... or to get back with him later... sum feel sorry for me.. but me i dont what to think...i just rly didnt need this rite now... bad bad time.
today wuz an ok day... alot alot ALOT better than yestderday.. the biology test wuz soo damn hard.. i think i made an 80- if im lucky. rico apologized to me for being a jerk about me and ryan (he got all happy when he headrd wut hapened.. that made me mad..) dance wuz retarded and algebra wuz boring... kinda... o charde (sp?) said she wanted to paint me... lol she wantz to take a bunch a pictures of me and then paint me for a project cuz she thinks i m so pretty... i thought that wuz soooooooooo sweet! made my day...
i just watched tv since i got home...
but n e hoo saturday me and ryann called josh rite.. but mary picked up and said he had bronchitus... again... and he wuz sleepin and stuff but she would tell him i called. so i felt bad for him cuz wuz it hurts him and i sent him a text to hiz phone tellin him i hope he feelz better and stuff... i wanna start talkin to him again.. cuz i miss him sooo much.. we could be friends... but.. i ono.. then i asked jay to ask him sum stuff and lookee here

IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:06:12 PM): hey
I am The Stinger (7:06:16 PM): yo
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:06:34 PM): did ya see joshie boi
I am The Stinger (7:06:39 PM): ya
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:06:45 PM): did ya talk to him
I am The Stinger (7:06:46 PM): dont think ur gunna like it tho :
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:06:53 PM): ok i dont care
I am The Stinger (7:07:02 PM): i asked if he had a gf
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:07:17 PM): mmk..
I am The Stinger (7:07:19 PM): that u wanted to kno
I am The Stinger (7:07:21 PM): and he said
I am The Stinger (7:07:26 PM): "uh tell her no comment"
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:07:42 PM): wut the
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:07:58 PM): y did he say that?
I am The Stinger (7:08:15 PM): dont ask me
I am The Stinger (7:08:15 PM): i tried to get more
I am The Stinger (7:08:20 PM): but hes like "no commeent"
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:08:39 PM): gosh......
am The Stinger (7:13:22 PM): its gunna be REALLY HARD but il try and make him call u again atleast 1 more time
IzntLifeSo JUICY (7:14:17 PM): lol ok thanx darlin

mm yeah i thought that wuz kinda harsh...im pretty sure he haz a gf n e way cuz when i called on christmas eve mary said he wuz out with hiz girlfriend...it just seemz like he totally forgot about me and i dont mean n e thing to him n e more.. like all we went throo iz nuthing now... but thatz sure az hell not the way i see it.. but bois can be stupid... thrown rocks at them...
but ill be off now... im gonna go clean and wait till... CHAD TIME
tahtah

I'm Lost Without You Lyrics

I swear that I can go on forever again
Please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
Where are you now I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming
And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you

Have u ever found someone so special...some one who loves u the way that u love them...well i have twice and who ever said that the second times a charm, or the third or maybe even the fourth...well...it iznt as a matter of fact it seems like every time i get really close to someone sumthing happens where they get either taken away from or we get seperated. sum times....i wish...things would go my way for once...

hmmnn...
i feel bad... like guilty kinda? I ono being a P.I. iznt as good az u think when u find out sumthing u rly didnt want to... but i feel like a stalker kinda? i ono... i just dont like it when people lie to me... but hoo knoes maybe they didnt... i gotta get back to my paper... but ill write about me and ryannz love fest later... lol and o yeah i called josh but he haz bronchitus... so i couldnt talk to him.. ill also write bout the dream later.. and i havent talked to ryan all weekend *cough* um yeah hez at hiz aunties...
tahtah

i can't believe he lied to me...

Blink 182 - Here's Your Letter

Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone
Hear your voice in the dark
Lose myself in your eyes
Choke my voice say goodnight
as the world falls apart
Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this

Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence

The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

-: wow this song describes me soo much..i can relate :-

*yucky*
i just came back from dance... well i just came back from taco bell where we went after dance... lol... today wuz kinda... yucky...
*ethnic dance* prolly the only fun period of the day.. and it wuz 1st period woohu! ok well we dressed out but we rly didnt have to cuz all we did wuz watch movies... DUMB MOVIES... well first we watched hawaiian dancin.. AND THEN!!!!! we watched texas two step LMAO me and jonet o yeah we rocked we did COTTEN EYED JOE!!! ahaha i think i we got it i think we got it... then that got dull and we watched childrens concert from last year... they had sum cute stuff...
*between classes* rico said "we had to talk" so yeah... we talked... lol sum stuff bout how he got rly jealous on saturday when i wuz with ryan... only he doeznt knoe y he wuz jealous when he shouldnt be cuz im not hiz... and then sum more stuff......and sum more stuff...
*ballet* um yeah this period didnt go well at all... we did a longer warm up than usual... drag,,.. and then we ran our childrens piece once... JUST ONCE! grrr a lot of people didnt dress out today tisk tisk.
*world history hon* um b4 we went to lunch the guidance lady came and handed out these booklets and talked to us about all the course we have to take and wut our chocies r... honor society (which i plan on being in lol) florida bright futures and sum other stories... then we got our learn on about the mayas and the aztecs and we had to write this paper in like 20 minutes which wuz stupid...
*Lunch* well i didnt get to sit with emily and rachel *tear* so i sat over with ryann(my new best friend yeah emily shez replacin u hahaha), carlos, jonet,sara,big bird, alton and sum others.. i wuznt rly hungry which wuz a surprise...
*English Honors* GOSH I HATE THIS CLASS!! ah i used to just not like it.. and i would joke around saying i wish ms trotter would run into a tree but she wuz rly nice and she wuz eazy and gave me a'z... and then this new bitchy lady came cuz ms trotter left cuz of her dern kids and itz ms cooper there too.. but now itz hard and she actually makes us do stuff like write reports every week.... grrr i just talked to jamie and whispered bad stuff bout emily lol... i/j
and dance after skool wuz ok... cardio work out lol... im just rly tired and i havent talked to ryan since tuesday...*tear* I LOVE MY BABY TIGER!!! not tigger jonet... TIGER like grr.. lol... i miss him toooo...but now i got to write my biology report.. ahhhh when will it end..
tahtah <3