i feel so sick
and i love this song... it used to be my favorite song earlier this year and then i stopped listening to it and then last night i heard it on the radio.
but yeah last night was horrible
i went to ryans house, cuz when his mom got home he asked me to come over. so i got ready and what not and then they picked me up a little before 7. and i got there and sat down with his mom and we were gonna see whats on tv and then we started watching look a like and then ryan came in and put the movie in for us. so we were watching the jacket and i kept asking ryan to come sit by me cuz he wasnt sitting somewhere else and he just kept saying "nah thats ok". i knew he was kidding. it wasnt unusual ryan behavior. but i thought that fter 10 or 20 minutes he woud come sit with me but he didnt. then he left and we went in his room for about an hour doing whatever i dont even knoe. and i was sitting there on the couch alone while his mom was sittin on the other one watching the movie. and the whole time i had to bite my lip to keep from crying cuz he rly hurt my feelings. i had no clue what was going on. his mom went into his room to ask why he was iroom when i was here .. when he had someone over but he didnt come out for a lil bit. and then she asked me why he wasnt her with me when i came over to see him and i was like i dunno and she asked if we were in a fight and i said no cuz we werent. and then shes like "well is he on crack?" yeahhh lol. but then he came out and he sat in the kitchen and ate a banana. and then he came and sat on the same couch as me with a bunch of pillows between us and i gave him a look because by then i was rly pissed off. so then he goes "fine whatever" and he walked off and went back into his room.
the movie ended and me and his mom were watching the bobby brown show cuz i thought it was funnie and he came in and sat in the chair again and i mouthed to him "i love you" but he glared at me.. and i knoe he was kidding but.. it wasnt nice. he went back to his room after liike 20 minutes and in a little bit i went to his room to ask him if he would come sit with me out there and he said "nah thats ok i dont feel like watching that." so i was like "ok.. well you can have the remote and we can watch whatever you want to watch" and he said "no thats ok." and i said " i love you" and he said "as do i" and then i just turned around and went back to watch tv. but then i decided i couldnt be there any more cuz my head was pounding and the tears started to come down.. so i went in his room and i told him i was gonna leave soon becuz i didnt feel good and he waas playin halo2 on his xbox and he was just like ok. and then i went and told his mom i wasnt feeling good and i wanted to go home.. so i went back to his room and i had my stuff and i said im leaving. and he was like ok and i told him i loved him and i gave him a kiss on the cheek and i said bye and then he said bye. and he was still on his xbox so i figured he wasnt coming and me and his momgot in the car and left. and she told me what he did that nigt was entirely rude and unecceptable. and she said "when he calls tonight to apologize dont let him get off easy bcuz if you do he will keep doing it and acting like that.. ryan needds to knoe that when you are in a relationship with someone its give and take. and you need to think about the other persons needs as well as your own.." but yeah
i got home and cried my eyes out and i called aj and cried and then i called mimi and cried some more and she hates it more than anything when i cry and it gets her pissed off and she told me if she calls him and tells him off to not be mad at her.. and 4 months ago i made a promise to her.. and she wrote it down and it said that if ryan ever made me cry again then i had to break up with him. and well i didnt break up with him last night. so i broke a promise to her.. i called aj back and then ryan called and well i dont knoe that whole conversation was a mess. i told him he hurt my feelings bcuz of all that he did and i explained how i felt and all he said was "sorry" it seemed like he didnt have anything to say for awhile. and i told him how rude he acted and how hurt i got.. you just dont invite your girlfriend over.. of 1 year and 9 months over and dont pay any attention to her or spend time with her. i felt totally unwanted and unappreciated. and he said he didnt mean to hurt me.. he said he didnt think i would feel like that. and i was like "ok.. so when you left me out there all by myself you didnt think it was gonna bother me?" and hes like " i knew.. but you could have come in my room and sat with me or whatever.. and besides i was just kidding." and iwas like "well i figured that it wanted to spend time with me then you would come and ask me to come in your room or something. not leave me. and i knew you were kiddng.. but then you never stopped so thats when it got serious." and he said "well i thought you came over to watch the movie and i didnt feel like watching it so i thought i would let you watch it." and then i got rly upset and i was like " the only reason why i would ever come over to your house would be not to watch some movvie but to spend time with you." and i was so upset cuz i felt like he didnt want to be with me anymroe and i started to feel negleccted again.. and he said of course he still wanted to be with me.. and yeah... some more stuff was said i dont feel like typing any much longer.. .and then there was a long time of silence and he said " i love you alyssa. im sorry"
but yeah b4 school starts hes supposed to make it up to me. and it has to be rly good and thoughtful. and he said that if its not good enuff i have to break up with him.
and everyone tells me to break up with bcuz ive put up with so much.. but i just cant get the word out.
im out
<3

gimme a *winkwink*