::
2008 23 September :: 9.49am
:: Music: Moby-Porcelain
2 x 2 = 4 = no more
Rachel and I decided to call it quits yesterday. Seemed to be a rather mutual deal for the most part.
Im not gonna lie, it stings, and Im sad to let it go. Fortunately, I hope we will both be able to keep ourselves civil and sociable enough to not let it ruin at least being friends and to continue to talk with one another. I dont really want her to just up and leave from my life.
Moving on to other areas of life, I would like to say the walls are closing in on me and I feel Im about ready to submit to the pressure. Heres hoping I dont.
Weekend Report
Ok so Im back home now. Sitting at work writting this out.
Its been a very long vacation time. Full of...eh lack of sleep.
Trip #1
Friday was filled with being busy at work, then going to pack up for the trip to Wisconsin that weekend. The event was subpar, the field was amazing, and the days were wet. Getting the yurt to sleep in was an amazingly awesome choice, so thanks Vern on that one.
Saturday was spent just kinda dinking around once we arrived at the location. The evening was spent at the field hoping to get night games going but no one showed up because of the weather. Oh ha! Weather, non stop annoying rain for the whole day. Some flooding was seen here and there along the way.
Sunday was the event; turn out for the event was subpar as to be expected. Only 3/4 of the folks, at best, we ended up with like 37(OpFor/civi) and 17(US) players. It was just plain ducks in a barrel for them. The scenario was adjusted per turnout and skewed the whole thing up big time. My day was spent walking to and from the spawn location because I Was being killed constantly as I tried to medic heal the other players. I died about 10 times and attempted 13 medic card heals, all which turned out to be dead cards. So Im gonna go ahead and say next time someone else is doing that. Once that event was over with we returned to the yurt and changed/showered then went to eat. Dinner was good. Nice relaxing time.
Monday was the return trip and it went by with nothing exciting. Got back into GR around 4:30 that afternoon. Got home around 5pm and then unpacked threw the airsoft gear to its spot and grabbed clothes for the next trip. Left the apartment around 6:00 and went to Sprint. Ive got a new phone now. Went to my sisters after that and spent the evening talking to her and doing laundry in her 'flooded'/wet basement.
Trip #2
Tuesday: train day. I was bussed into Chicago from GR because of a mudslide closing the track around Michigan City. I got into Union Station around 10:30am(CT) and awaited the next train until my CHI to KC train came in. Wandering around Union Station isnt something I like to do, fyi. The train rolled in about 15min late and we got on our way shortly after. Got into Kansas City,MO around 11pm and walked through the station to find Rachel.(<3) The rest of the day was spent in the car till the wee hours of the morning driving to Cassville.
Wednesday was spent lounging around most of the day while Rachel was at school in the afternoon. That evening I got to meet Tylor and Tessi as well as Jacob. We hung out in front of Rachels place most of the night just talking then moving inside where they all had some drinks and continued the enjoyable night.
Thursday morning was amazing. The day was largely uneventful till that evening when we met up with Tylor, Caleb, Tessi, and Jacob to go to the Casion's in the area. We ended up all wining a little cash, me only winning like $10 off the slots. Im semi mad for not clocking out earlier than I did on the video poker, I have had about $30 more than I did.
Friday was spent moving, all day. Rachels mom and Lacey's mom made us dinner and it was good. Meatballs, Corn, Potatoes.
Saturday evening Rachel worked and I went to watch the softball game for the church that they all attend. Ridgley won 14-4 over the other church they played. The evening was spent feelinging somewhat ill from fastfood.
Stayed up that evening until going to meet Rachels parents to head back to KC.
Big mistake.
Sunday was a long, long day. I slept maybe an hour or so on in the car to KC. We left late out of KC, about 45min late, and I got like 3-4hrs of sleep on that train. 2 times we stopped without warning or reason and sat waiting for like 30min. Got into Union Station around 4:30 and immediately walked over to the boarding gate for the next train. We left on time for that one. Unfortunately the trip was stalled out as we sat in Gary Inidana wastelands for an 1.5hrs moving a little ways here and there for whatever reason. Traffic was heavy out that way on the tracks I guess. I got into GR around midnight and headed home. plopped into bed around 1am.
I slept hard last night but if I had the chance I would have been sleeping till around 1pm or so.
So thats the trip in a nut shell. Id write more but my brain hasnt given me a good way to put it all into words just yet. This being thoughts/feelings about things here and there in the trip.
But I will say this. I love Rachel wholeheartedly.
So apparently the guys over at CERN are totally gonna mark a big moment in the human sciences. ...Which will go totally unnoticed by large portions of the populace of the world.
Ive been keeping very unbusy I suppose. Havent had much of anything to do or look forward to -aside from the middle of this month- so its been a holiday weekend filled with wow mainly.
Sold some of the airsoft stuff I was looking to sell. Ive got hopes to finish selling it all so I can change over like I wanted to. Moving to a better quality of G36C with a ppa M4 conversion on it.
I seriously spent 95% of the weekend being a bored slug. I hated it but I went along with it. I wish I had some amazing story to tell or something fun happened but it didnt.
So basically all I can say is that Im looking forward to the middle of the month and Ill be tired of the long trips but the fun awaiting on the other end of each will be worth the time. I arrive at Kansas City around 11pm(cst) which is rather unfortunate, for me and for Rachels sake. I wont see her much of the next day so Ill be just kinda taking in the environment. Maybe go for a jog, look at the paper if she has one -check for jobs- and just generally relax. Then when she gets home Ill totally be mean by holding out on giving her the gift I got. Our second 2yr anniv. is just a few days before the trip.
I dont know what she may have for work that week, but I hope its not too much. Id like to get some time with her. I know we both need it badly. Very badly.
I really need to look at getting another phone and I prolly will this week or next. Hoping my bill wont be too bad for what I want, which is just basically good service, texting, and like 100-200min.
Sigh. Rachel Im getting to antsy over this. <3 you so much!
::
2008 28 August :: 10.55am
:: Music: The Raconteurs
Selling muh gunz!
1.)
Echo1 SOC16 (OD Green) @ $100 Includes original box and 4200MaH 8.4V Battery (large type) Pic1 Pic2
2.)
x4 Echo1 M14 Hicap Magazines @ $15 per Or $55 for all 4 Pic1
Staying busy at work...Ya...this is really depressing because all those things marked 1-3 will each takes about 30min+ to check and move to the next section below it, Start Testing. I hate the tail end of a development cycle.
Rachels been super busy this week, starting at Wal-Mart and all that such stuff. Havent talked to her much but if nothing else she got to know the joyful news. I was just talking to her but she left, internet stealing still so her connection is shit, she was putting some pics on my photobucket. That didnt seem to get accomplished beyond picture #1. Alas, Im happy with that 1 for now.
Spent about the last hour and a half talking to Brittani -from work receptionist/accountant- last night. We've been talking alot lately because Ive been down there fixing things for them more. Shes my inner workspace gossip talker. Its all good though. Shes my age and knows some of the same things I do -relationship wise- so we constantly chat about things. She enjoys rambling on about her wedding coming up Sept. 6th. Shes getting married at 19. Shes been with the guy for about as long as Ive known Rachel. Just kinda shocked somehow by her getting married at only 19.
Ive decided to take the week after my last Op for the airsoft season off and go down to see her. The tickets for Amtrak are insanely cheaper than anythign else around. I was shocked. GRR to KCY roundtrip was $190. Its unfortunate that MO only gets a few locations, none located in the southwest corner of the state, to choose from but it works. And based on the rest of this months event, we shall see if both is do'able. I may have to skip the airsoft event. Unfortunate, but possible. Woman > Airsoft
So when Id get home Monday from Wisconsin its straight into repacking for leaving the next morning to Kansas City where Rach' would pick me up.
Im going to have to skimp like no other for this month pull it off but Im ok with this.No spending for Kelly. If Rachel was here she'd totally budget me. Boo hiss.
/slap @ wrist
The Dark Knight was freaking awesome. I definitly would go see it again. This time I would do Imax though. It needs the bigger screen. The themes and ideals placed into the movie are really dark but very entertainining. The jokers style pulls out the worst in those around him and its good to watch. Grats Heath for the good movie before you were lost. It will be a shame to not have you around for any more of these Batman films.
Ive been fairly busy at work, just more of a hurry up to wait feeling though. We lost one of our developers and it would see the guy I hate, the old guy, is going to be leaving/reretire so I dont have him to irk me on things anymore. Im happy about that. I will miss Enrico, the developer, he was a good guy. Quiet, but easy to talk to, and willing to buy lunch for others. *gotta love free*
I called and talked to Rachel Saturday after getting done with the event earlier that day. I talked to her for awhile and I think we've smoothed things out some. I havent talked to her since then. Shes been really busy though. For instance, when I called she was doing cleaning on the new house shes going to be renting with everyone. -I miss her way too much right now- After I got off the phone with her I was walking back to the campsite and Mandie said "get ur shit unfucked?" I shrugged and said "I think so." Then she said something that struck me and I think its true too. "You two are just fed up with waiting and your taking it out on each other[without knowing it or not.]"
Blarg
Jerry, the old guy at the office I really dont like, keeps talking to me about data bases. I honestly think that he keeps thinking Im a developer or something. Hes like "could you do this and with these things I got." When that thing he would like is involving words that have meanings I dont know of in a database system I know minute things about. I dont know SQL code. I dont know what the hell your are talking about. I dont have any background with database stuff. So asking me to do these things is just like ramming my head into the wall. The things he wants involve some prior knowledge on the subject, which I dont have any everyone else here is clear of except him.
The last week in June I got to see Bill again, hung out at his house with everyone playing football most of the evening. Me and PJ took him out to lakeshores field to play airsoft on that sunday. Doc, Prez, and Osiris followed suit. As well as the other FMF members for the morning. The day before that was the cookout at Doc's place with everyone. Good enjoyable day.
Ive been fairly distant with the family. I shouldnt be so distant but I just am. Im not one to reach outwardly for talking. I have managed to make sure that I at least go get my mail and stop to talk to my mom for awhile. Its alot easier to deal with my parents now that Im not in the home.
Weekend of the 4th I stayed home for the most part. Just stopped by the parents house and had friday night pizza with them.
I was going to go airsofting last weekend but sunburn left me defininetly not wanting to do that. So I stayed home again. Im sunburned from going on the tubing trip with PJ's family. Friggin hate sunburn so much.
Relationship: Me and Rachel are still together. Ive been in need of seeing her again. I get fairly emo'esq alot lately. We are both fairly good at keeping busy so talking to her helps ease those wounds for the time being.
It would see she is taking a big step on her end to move out. We talked about it last night, although Im not sure how much got threw to her. She was on crappy internet stolen from neighbors in town. On top of this she had been drinking. We got to talking about her situation and it started to irk me more and more that she was doing this. I should be estatic that she wanted to move out. I should. But the costs of which she is doing it isnt so great. She was told she has to be on the lease and its likely it will be a 1yr lease. I asked her to see if she could be off the lease and just be an occupant. She was like "well I cant do that, I mean I cant just leave them with that higher payment." "Valid point. But do you want to be there for another year?, I responded. She says no. Then is like "we will see more of each other than we ever have this next year." (True-possibly)
[Edward Norton style Self Narration:] Thats about the time I was most irked.
I dont know how to respond to that without getting into a fight and have it end with those words spoken that I know I dont want to hear. Chances are she really doesnt want to say them either.
I just feel like she may be sabotaging herself whenever it gets to be us being close. The date of when we get to be together and not just for a visit seems to just fall farther and farther away.
[ Edward Norton style Self Narration:] And there we go...deep sigh....heavy blank stare into the abyss...yup. 3...2...1....ladies and gentleman emo moment status is a go. I repeat go for emo marker.
Rachel. I know Im asking alot to be with you and be distant from your family. I cannot apologize for that. It just feels like this is turning into perpetual long distance relationship.
EDIT: Im happy for the changes you want to make to better your life in the way you want to do it Rachel, know that first and foremost. Im just afraid you may be getting in over your head with this rent/lease issue.
EDIT 2: One of the guys here at work happened to just quote yoda for no reason and it totally was moment fitting but completely random. "I sense much fear in you...fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate...hate...leads to suffering."
Edit 3: Ugh Im totally not one for arguments. I feel one brooding and nothing has happened yet.
